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Hey there,
I don’t post/reply here as much as I used to, but the content of this post kinda shook me.
I totally agree with kaila, even though right now, being in the position you are, I can understand why you can’t see it.
Post-breakup relationships are quite a roller-coaster, with both sides saying one thing while thinking, and sometimes doing, the other. Hearing him say he hates you hurts like a bitch, it does, but unless you’re a shitty, heartless person (and from your post, I think that’s not the case), he’s venting his pain and frustration at you.
As for your lack of will to live. Think of it this way, maybe right now the world looks like shit, that there’s no reason to wake up, but how cool is it that already 3 people have tried to lift your spirit up? And it’s not like we know you, so hey, that’s a good thing isn’t it?
It hurts and it’s gonna hurt for a while, and that’s fine, it means you had something real. But right now, you’re a mess. You are, and that’s also fine.
What you need to do, and I can’t stress this enough, is go NC. A lot of people say that like it’s a miracle cure, but it’s not meant to cure the relationship, but to give you time to think, let things sink in, and just understand what you’re going through. Cuz right now you’re in a shitstorm and YOU ARE NOT THINKING STRAIGHT. And that’s cool, we’ve all been there, but make peace with the fact that this is the situation, and the best thing you can do is to embrace that fact, and try to make the best out of a shitty situation? Calling/texting/mailing isn’t gonna help you in any way (speaking from experience), and certainly not gonna make him realize he’s made a mistake. Not that I care much for the way he feels, but you do.
Give yourself a break, try (even trying and failing counts) to go and enjoy stuff, go out, have a drink or two or ten, find reasons other than him to wake up (and that’s fucking hard, I know), and know that you got total strangers who got your back if you need them, isn’t that awesome?
Hey there guys!
A bit of my thoughts here- Solid, this game of who makes contact first (which I have played lots and lots of times during the last year) seems silly, and it is.
The reason, well, one of them I guess, that she didn’t contact you yet, or pushed-pulled you and all that, is rather simple, at least, that’s how I see it; she’s the one who dumped you, and so she and all her friends think it was after careful thinking and not some rash decision. So, how the hell can she run straight back to you without looking like she’s this spineless girl who can’t back her own decisions up?
I’m not saying she’s like that, chances are she isn’t, but (and that’s one useful insight I got from Kevin), she has to be consistent in her decision. So yeah, while you showed that you’re open to communication (which is awesome) you need to realize a couple of things.
1. NC DOESN’T SOLVE THE PROBLEM- it doesn’t. But it gives you both breathing room, to think about all that was and let some of the bad (and good) stuff sink in. If you just get back together a month after the breakup, it’s only cuz you miss one another, maybe just the company, maybe the individual, but you’re not really thinking whether or not getting back is actually SMART.
2. There’s a very broad line between showing interest and chasing (been in both places), so yeah, showing her you still care for her as a person, while giving her the time and space she NEEDS (not wants, needs), makes you seem much less available, makes her wonder wtf, where’s this guy that used to be by my side all the time? Have I made a mistake? Because OBVIOUSLY you wanna get back, but you can’t force her to want what you want, she needs to realize how much losing you really is just that- a loss.
As to your last paragraph, come on man, who are you kidding? We’ve all said that last part, but nobody really means it.
What you’re going through is complete and utter shit, I’ve been there for the past 9 months, and I’m still there, and it’s shit, but I’ve made some peace with it.
Point is (since I’ve been rambling on forever), you’re right to think that NC doesn’t solve it, only working on it together does, but for that to happen, you need time. Not for her, screw her right now, FOR YOU! You got dumped, you wanna get back, and right now you’re having a shit go at life. But, and it’s a very important but, YOU ARE NOT THINKING STRAIGHT AT ALL (neither am I, but forget about that). As much as she needs time, so do you, cuz everything between you guys right now is in wayyyy high voltage, things need to cool down.
SOOOOO, to sum things up, things are shit, but they get better eventually. You can obsess about it all you want, but at some point (took me round 7 months), you’ll realize it doesn’t help one bit, it doesn’t increase your chances of getting back, it doesn’t do you any good, and it’s just not fun at all.
That’s what I think anyway…
First off man, thanks for commenting!
Second, yeah; I got some girls’ numbers, was gonna meet one, but the day before my ex contacted me. I explained to her I was gonna meet that girl but now that we’ve met I’d cancel it, because I want her (my ex).
She tried going out on dates, even sorta dated one guy, lasted two weeks, and she contacted me.
Point is, we both know I’m on hold, and I told her that as much as it looks like the door will always be open, I’ll get tired one day and close it, and it sucks since we’ll both lose one another.
She told me how much she wants it to work again, and to finally ready that point in time, and it made me super happy that she admitted that. But right now it feels like I’m just waiting for a maybe. I’m working with my therapist about the stuff I’m not happy with but I truly feel like I’m ready to meet up with her and either take that step together or walk away.
The way things are right now, we can’t be together but can’t move on either. We’ve been together for 9 months and yesterday was 9 months since the breakup, it feels like if it doesn’t happen soon, the whole point will be lost and it’ll never happen…and the whole in-between zone I’m at right now isn’t really doing me any good…
Today’s one of those days where I really wanna talk to her, since I think that at this point, staying NC only keeps us further apart. For every hour we talk, we stay off contact for weeks, so every conversation causes a ridiculous release of tons of emotions, and this sporadic outburst doesn’t really help stabilize the situation.
In simpler words, I wanna talk to her, not about us, but just in general, because I know she misses me and our talks (said so herself), so I’m struggling to respect her request for me to initiate contact when I’m ready to give it a serious go, and I’m not there yet…
Just venting I guess, but I really wanna talk to her; right now is the best position we’ve been since the breakup, and I really don’t wanna ruin it, just want her in my life.
Been a while but I got some nice updates.
She contacted me two weeks ago at 1am, some sort of booty call. I agreed to meet but just to talk, and we had a lovely time.
The following day, her family went on vacation and she stayed home to study. I came over, we talked and slept together. The following day I stayed over (family still not home).
In the end, she told me, after some arguments we had, that she’s still scared of getting back together. She told me how she’s started seeing a therapist to solve some of her issues. I told her how I started seeing one too, to solve my tendency to be obsessive and generally being bad with getting a “no”.
A few days later we talked, she suggested being friends, because that’s the most she can be at this point, and I agreed. Next day I called her and explained how, since I wanted her to be in my life, I agreed and that it was a stupid move that’ll only hurt me.
She said she talked to a girl friend of hers and told her how she’s not sure she’ll find the same bond she had with me, and I was through the roof; because that’s not something you say to an ex you’re trying to get over.
In the end we decided that I’ll try and really solve my issues with my therapist and when I feel ready, we’ll go grab a coffee. I told her that while I’m backing off, she’s welcome to call me, not for deep let’s-get-back talks, but to just talk a bit, she told me she missed me and our talks a lot and agreed.
She also said she really wants to be there, to fast forward a few months from now and see us together, said really wants it so bad, that she’s eager for our arguments to be because I’m messy and dumb stuff, made me super happy.That’s it for now. Obviously, the thing with that guy wasn’t serious (she didn’t sleep with him), and she still loves me (said so herself). Now I guess we’ll just wait and see what happens.
It’s just that for the first time in 8 months since our breakup that she actually wants to give herself a chance with someone else, and I just keep thinking that if I’ll talk to her I could somehow show her that we’re worth another shot.
And I know it’s her decision to make, but I just miss her. Her specifically, as a person, not only as a girlfriend, and it’s killing me she’s started going out with someone else.
It’s stupid I know, because for all I know it might not work it whatever, but I’m thinking about it, about them, way too much…I just wanna talk and really close that door, because she can’t think that she can say that she’s starting seeing someone, then continue on saying she doesn’t know if she still loves me and that she still misses me and expect me to really move on…
This is a venting post.
I wanna talk to her, I really do. On our last conversation, I asked her if she still loves me, she said she doesn’t know. I asked her if I should throw away our one year album (which she haven’t seen yet), she said she doesn’t know.
I wanna talk to her because I want to have that door closed already, she doesn’t want me and that’s fine, but at the same time tells me she misses me and us and wanted to text me…I can’t let it go if she can’t let it go, and it’s really bothering me.
But it’s not possible, she’s seeing someone; she said that for the first time in 6 months, she’s ready to give something like this a chance, who am I to deny her that?
She had tons of opportunities to get back with me, hell, we even gave it a try 3 months back, and while she said and wrote she misses me, it’s obviously not that strong, or else she would’ve come back.
I really wanna talk to her, but there’s no point. If she’s happy with that guy, then he succeeded where I failed, and telling her to give us a chance will just make me seem needy and pathetic. It’s her choice, and I have to respect that; if she wants me back, it’s up to her to contact me. Not because of ego or whatever, but because she needs to realize (or not) that what we had was good enough to try again.
Well, this week was rough. I think after about 8 months of trying, 3 months of on/off NC, I’ve finally realized that this break up is for real, more so because she’s started seeing someone.
They knew each other before and she says that right now it’s “nice” and she wants to give it a chance. According to what she told me, they’ve been going out for like 2 weeks, he introduced her to his friends and such, so I kinda lost hope.
I don’t want to be back with her right now, but she wrote me something, the day we talked about missing me, about how she saw me at the university and wanted to send me a message to check if I saw her too. There are clearly still feelings involved, but she wants to give this guy a chance, some I’m gonna step aside.
I’m ready to move on, I am, but still, it saddens me quite a lot that she gave it up, kept me on a hook til some guy came around then let it all drop.
Nothing to be sorry about, honestly, I AM happy for her, and while I do believe it was meant to be, it’s time to go look for something new.
I won’t lie, I think of her kissing him and worse and it wrenches my gut, brings tears to my eyes, the whole shebang, but if we can’t be together, it doesn’t mean she should be alone.
And yeah, who knows what tomorrow will bring? or the far future for that matter? Hell, maybe in a few dates she’ll realize he’s not for her, maybe not, but it’s time I let her go.
I knew when I wrote the letter that this was a possible outcome, and that’s what makes it okay; it’s not the end of the world, but for, it’s just so very sad
So, I called my ex yesterday since the whole no-response shit started to really bother me.
We had a great conversation, and she told me how she has just started seeing someone new, and that she’d like to give it a chance. It was a great conversation because there was no anger, no resentment, just her understanding that she doesn’t think it could work between us right now, and that’s perfectly ok.
I told her I wish her well, that I hope he’s worthy of her and that he makes her happy, and I do, though some part of me wants it not to work, for her to realize what we had was good, but that’s being selfish. She told me she saw me at the university and dreamt about me that night, that she missed me but doesn’t see us working, so I hope that guy’s worth it.
We ended the conversation with me telling her not to contact me whatsoever unless it’s to try and give us a chance, and that I hope that by the time she does that, that door will still be open.
Obviously last night I cried a lot, because while I can finally let go, it feels like these last 8 months have kind of been for nothing. But I’m free now, ready to start something new, and as much as I wanted it to be with her, it’ll have to be with someone else, and that’s okay too.
You’re absolutely right, about pretty much her entire act. I didn’t see it coming, but it’s been 9 months so I’m not in any way a wreck, just disappointed, which sucks but is manageable.
Maybe she’ll respond, maybe she won’t, but I suspect she will. And when that happens, I hope she’ll be a little bit more mature than she is right now…that’s all I can hope for right now
It does, and I’m not trying to control it, not for the past few months (though I did back when it was all fresh…doesn’t work); I just expected her to be decent and respond, even if it’s to say she doesn’t want anything to do with me. It’s called common decency. If you didn’t want to know what I had to say, don’t call me over, don’t take my letter, but you can’t do both these things and then just ignore the whole thing.
But what’s done is done. I thought of calling her, of telling her that I understand she doesn’t wanna get back though she could’ve responded in any number of ways, and that as of right now, I’ll appreciate if she wouldn’t contact me for whatever reason; but what’s the point? At this point, the only thing I can do is let it go, and maybe she’ll come around, maybe she won’t, and maybe my door won’t be open when she does (and it pains me to realize that’s entirely possible).
Anyway, the worst feeling is the disappointment with her; we always enjoyed talking to each other, even when we met to give her the letter, I thought she had to courage to say she’s not there anymore, but I guess she didn’t.
(This is a venting post)
So, it’s been a week to the day since I handed her the letter, and at this point, I’m sure she won’t answer it.
I don’t know what I expected, but it wasn’t that; last week, when I texted her that I wrote her something that I wanna give her, she was the one who called me over, KNOWING the point of it is to get the letter, so not answering seems just unfair.
It’s just pure disappointment- when we met it was great, she called it “an escape from reality”, told me she missed me and now this…don’t know what’s going on at her side, but as much as I care for her, this seems a little too bitter to swallow.
So, a slap on the head or just an opinion, take your pick lol
