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I appreciate your advice very much. It’s hard for me still to understand how someone could stop caring so fast but i do need to stop thinking about it. I told him my values before we started and he agreed to all of it. No sex before marriage was also one of his he said. And he said many times it’s not because of sex. I’m just so busy and i wanted him in my life so every promise be made i didn’t have a time for second thoughts.
Anyways The thing is for so long everything i did was for him and now it’s so hard to do things for myself. I only wanted to move out from my parents house to be with him and that’s what was driving me to work hard in school and do well in interviews. He was my rock. When everything failed he was there. At least i thought he was. I didn’t know about the lying abd cheating back then. Now everything is failing and he isn’t there. I don’t know how to fix my life. The pain is becoming better but Idk how to stop loving him. How do i let him go? How do i heal?
I’ve tried everything and nothing is working. I’m going counseling next week.i hope it helps me.Wow, whats your major? My ex failed dynamics 3 times, and his graduation got delayed by 2 years, and he even took a leave of absence this year. He wasnt serious abotu his studies, but i didnt leave him. I was really upset about he whole thing ( you can read my story, and I would appreciate your feedback)
Idk how long ago she left you, but start no contact, I say, and focus on schooool!!! I =m telling you now you are young and you have soo many opportunities, and when you get older, these opportuntites get limited! Engineering is very competitive. Im in engineering myself.
I think you should go NC for a month, and in that month, ace all your classes. Put all of your energy, everything you have into school. Then contact her, after the NC, tell her soething short about your accomplishment. You need to show her that you changed for GOOD!
After the qaurter/semester ends, show her your grades!
I hope I helped you out, and good luck!
I would appreciate a male perspective on my situation, and one from engineering !!! 😀 😀 😀It should, I think. I begged and pleaded for two days, and a week later, my ex tells me thank you for making me a better person, etc. Then I was thinking omg he has feelings for me, and I professed my love, stupidly, and he said i see you as a friend, i lost feelings for you, and stuff. If you read my story (its long, so i dont want to spam you 🙂 ), you will see that he cheated on me, and during the time he was, he even asked me to marry him.
I deleted him from instagram, after he wanted a break, and 3 weeks later he adds me back today. I haven’t seen him in 3 weeks and im not doing NC. I have no plans to get him back, actually, If he wants me, he can change, and prove it to me. Im just focusing on bettering myself. Finding that confidence and happiness and proving to myself that I dont need anyone to make me happy. I haven’t talked to him in a week, simply bc if i do, it hurts. After everything he has done to me, I still haven’t lost an ounce of love for him, and I think about him all the time, wondering how he is doing, if he is ok, and miss him, and I still see my future with him bright and clear. But, I dont trust him anymore. And i dont feel that connection i felt toward him, that even though we arent in each other’s sight, we are somehow still connected type connection.
So what I am saying is that no contact after begging and pleading does work. this time, my friend, please be strong, and stick to it 🙂
I believe in you and NC will help you act out of self love rather than feelings. It is your feelings that wants things to work out. But does your self love think that things can really work out? NC will help you gain clarity. If you foucs on becoming a happy and confident person, nothing will bring you down. NC will help you accept the situation, and it will liberate you.
I hope it helps, and I would really appreciate a male’s perspective on my situation 🙂
Good luck and I hope things work out for all of us! The fact that we are here, tells a lot about our character, that is, we dont give up. So many poeple give up on dreams, school, jobs, etc, including love, but we dont 🙂 We fight for what we want, I know we are all strong enough to become better and learn from our experiences because we have the support of caring strangers 🙂 I am so depresssed, I still cant eat, sleep or focus on school, but no one knows. I keep a happy face for my family, friends, classmates, and work. I let it off all on here and Ill be going counseling to hekp me cope so I can focus on school.
I think we will all be fine with time 🙂 Time does heal all 🙂So basically he gave up on school, me, then on his parents. Now his friends cant talk to him. All he has is that girl.
I know it will break up and when it does, i know his family and friends will welcome him back with open arms. He basically lost nothing.
I work hard and have ambition. Ill be graduating in three yearss this june with an engineering degree from a polytechnic institute with 2 minors, a certification, 2 years of scholarly research, and club work. So ofcourse the man I’m going to be with, I’ll want him to try too. I’ve been working hard for 2 years trying to get internsips, and finally this year, the companies who have been rejecting me for 2 years are calling me for interviews.
I never give up on my ambitions abd goals and i don’t sacrifice on my values. I don’t think that makes me less than that girl.
I don’t force anyone to work hard like me if that’s what it seems like. I influence people around me to be better. We met in physics class abs the first quarter he studied by himself he got a B. Next quarter he studied with me and he got an A. But i got the highest Grade in class. I help people, but i don’t force them to be better.Also he gives up so easily i think. I never wanted to be a mother and he would push me about it and i was in love with him and i was thinking that having a son that looks just like him and dresses like him would give me much happiness. I could dress up my two boys and take them out with me. I’ll take care of both of them and love them to death. But in the summer when he got the new cashier job (which he didnt need) he truly gave up on school. He took a leave of absence from school and i was thinking to myself how can i havea kid with a man who gives up so easily? What if he gives up on our kid when things get hard? What if he gives up on both of us?
I didnt tell him what i was thinking. I was being strong for him and made a grad plan for him. I helped plan his finances for him.
Then i asked him what if cant support our kid? And he said the government can help with wic checks. I was so appalled. Here i am busting my self for that A, getting involved in clubs, working out, doing projects, networking for jobs so we can have a good future and he talks about wic checks? There’s nothing wrong with government aid but what i mean is that he has no ambition.
I don’t want to bring a child who’ll have to worry about finances. I never had to worry about it thanks to my parents. And I’m working hard so i won’t have to worry about it when i move out, and he completely shuts down my effort. ?I know deep down he loves me. He was so crazy in love with me. When he would need to go gome or go to work, he would try for like 15 minutes to shut off his feelings so he can be strong enough to leave and go to work or go home.
People are telling me he is acting like a typical 22 yr old, but me being 21 what if i had done to him what he has done to me? Then most people would call me the s word. They’ll tell me i have no morals and i toook a good guy for granted. No one would say that i acted like a typical 21 yr old girl. Does he get an excuse for his actions because he is a man?
I have known him and his friend circle for over 4 years, and none of them would ever do what he did. His friends cant even talk to him after what he did to me. He works as a casheir (where he met the girl with my short hair and looks like me) and a tutor at the high school he went to and the tutors there lost respect for him.
The thing is he would pressure me to give him a bj and the fact that he would push my head down just made me go all cold and not want to do it. There were so many times when i was mentally prepared but he pushed my head down and i felt so humiliated. And thr smell honestly made me throw up many times, but i never knew how to tell him. I know that cashier girl wouldn’t mind the smell and would give it to him anyway. And i was strict about no sex until marriage. And its not like he kept me sexually satisfied either. I was really frustrated but it didnt matter to me. What matteres to me is that i was able to talk to him about anything, i trusted his fidelity, and i loved how he would check on me and would tell me everyday how much he loves me, how I’m his one and only and how he wants to spend the rest of his life with me.
When we would go to places together his attention would always be just on me. Nothing else. So i really thought i was his one and only.
Like i said we liked each other for 3 years but i was a closed and untrusting person, and i gave in a little last year when we got together in Jan 9. And again he said i love you withing a week of being together, he wants to marry me within 5 months and he wanted to get engaged within 10months. And looking back, at the time he wanted to get engaged, the girl was in the picture unbeknownst to me. He always talked about how he felt, and i didnt much. It took me 6 months to tell him i love you. I fianlly fully opened up to him last month, and thats when he started closing. And i know its because of the girl. She would always offer those sexual favors. When he wanted a break he yelled at me saying you know there were girls specially at work who wanted but i made sure everyone knows ib was going out with someone, accusing me of being his gf.All this came out of nowehere honestly. We never had arguments, never disagreed on anything.
Only time he would get upset with me is when i wanted to give up on school or job search, but upset in the way that his gace would look like he wants to cry and he would say i know i cant help you little girl, but you cant give up.focus on the bigger picture. When you graduate next year and have a job we can ger married and spend the rest of our lives together.
So i went from acing my classes, to working out for just myslef to for him. So he can like me more, so we can have a better future.
Yesterday i realised how much sacrificed to be with him. I’m very busy being a senior, taking full load of class, club involvement, research projext leader, interviewing for jobs, working out, group projects, taking care of my family because I’m the oldest.
I sacrificed in all those areas to be with him just for some time. I hung out with friends and family less to be with him to the point where i kinda drove them away. Now I’m working on rekindling the relationship.
I pretty much gave my everything to be with him. And its not like he gave mw all. He gave up on school. He stopped going to school and started working 2 jobs he siad to pay off his car and loans. I learned from his mom that the car was a gift to him. He lied so much to me and his friends as well as his parents. He would purposely fail his classes by not showing up to the finals and it would make me so sad that he is throwing our future away. His graduation got delayed by 1 year, and instead of beating him up over it i helped him make a grad plan and get it approved. I know people who break up over these things.To me what was important is that i would be able to push him to greatness like no one can, and we would be able too give each other the love undestanding, patience and care that no one could.
I wonder did he break up with me over the bj? Becaue he was an abuser in that part by pushing my head down. His friends told me to never get back with him Because he was becoming abusive in their opinion, blaming me for His mistakes.
So many people told me i deserve better. Even strangers told me honey you look like a Movie star.what are you doing wasting your time with him? You deseve a man who can get you a house, sport cars and jewleries and i would tell them that my worth isnt based on money. If a guy wants to be with me he would have to be faithful to me most importantly, and treat me with respect, understanding, love, patience and care. He gave me that for a while ?His friend said he wont let him get back wit me lol because i derve better than a liar and a cheater and once a liar and cheater always one.
But i do belive in love and second chances. I’ll give him a second chance if he proves he has changed. I’ll meet him halfway this time.not all the time. He cant push my head down and if he wants it we use a condom (i can’t get past the smell. Even tho he showers everyday?) I’ll be a happy person arpund him and I’ll work on compromising more and talking about my feelings.
Orher than that, in honestly see nothing else i can do.I have values. I’m not a backseat sex kinda girl or you make out for a minute with me and you push my head down.But that girl is. And i dont see that I’m lacking somehting in me because I’m that type of person. His friends told me I’m not either. And they are disappointed that he treated me more like a hooker in that sense rather than a girlfriend he wanted to marry.
Thank you everyone for your help.
Screw deserve better. While I was with my ex, even strangers would tell me I look like a movie star, and I deserve a man who can buy me a mansion and sport cars. I told them that my worth isn’t based on money. It is about how much my man cherishes me and shows me his fidelity, trust, love, understanding, care, and patience towards me. I wasnt someone who makes me happy,
I know NC is hard. It really is. But you really need to let your self love take actions instead of feelings, and when you better yourself thru NC, you will be able to do so. 🙂
I dont know about you, but I consider sexting cheating. NC will give you clarity on whether you still want this person back. My ex’s best friend, the guy who was going to be our best man at our wedding told me that once a liar is always liar and once a cheater is always cheater and to move on, and that I deserve better. But it is so hard. All the memories, feelings, and shared moments…
Good luck, and I feel like your situation is a bit similar to mine but mine is even worse :'( I would appreicate any persepctive!
@sunaglass not only did i go through an affair, he told many degrading things. One was that when he used to look at my pictures he used to feel like the luckiest guy in the world.
Now those feelings went away he said. He treated me so badly when he wanted a break. Like i said his friends couldn’t belive he was being so mean.
He told me it’s not me, it’s not about sex, it’s not a girl. He just needs a break to figure out why he’s cold to me. I feel like guys are going to like me for some time and g then when I’m ready to Commit they’ll leave me.I’m not crying anymore at least. I don’t understand why the wronged people suffer.
He is doing so well. He’ll be getting a raise next month at work. He’s living with the girl he’s been cheating on me with.And I’m here broken. I’m considering counseling for myself and its so hard to get an appointment abd the sessions are expensive. I feel like it’s already too late becsuse i lost motivation to do anything. I was a driven woman and nothing would compromise my school and work.
Now I’m failing my Classes, i still cant eat and hence don’t have the energy to work out. I tried many different things but nothing is working. Its so hard to keep a face for my family, at school and at work. But i don’t want anyone to see me broken. I’m glad i have this online place where i can let out how i feel and get meaningful responses. Thank you everyone.
I think in time that you’re doing no contact find your self love. You also need to prove to her that you’re the man she needs. So i would say make your game plan mean time, find your self love, and become the man she needs! You need to be prepared for change because when you guys get back together things will be different
I have so much faith in your relationship! Keep me updated!She seems like me in thr sense that her career and future is important. I’m very driven as well and put my school ans career first before everything including my family health and relationship.
We both need a man that will reassure us that we can focus on our goals and our men will be there for us always, supporting us emotionally.
My ex was like that for a while. He promised no matter what happened he will always be there. So i focused on school and career more than him. And it resulted in him having an affair behind my back for months.
I think you could try nc for a while to get some clarity, and then become her best friend. Show her that you’ll always be there no matter what. Show her you’ll be faithful always. Show her you love her for her. Have long conversations with her just aboit her.That is the biggest thing women like us look for in our men.
We have everything except a man who will be faithful to us and treat us with undestanding, respect, love and caring. When we find a man like that we plan our week, month, yearn heck even our whole life to spend time with the man. Any promises they make we expect it to last forever because when we make promises we keep it forever.
This is assuming she is like me. And i think she is ☺You could deactivate for a week if that makes the NC period is easier for you but honestly the whole point of no contact is to be in touch with yourself and realize you’re an independent man and no one can take that away from you. She can’t take facebook away from you. She can’t take your 30 day no contact, the time when you’re focusing on yourself away from you. I think you can deactivate for a while so it might be easier for you but do it for yourself. Not her ☺
I would appreciate a guy’s perspective on my situation if yu have the time ☺good luck and i wish you happiness!That is a great idea Molly! I definitely need to find the confidence, love and respect I have for myself, and I will write and take a picture of something that makes me happy and am thankful for! Ill make an Instagram post of it! That will keep me occupies 🙂
I would recommend to just not contact her at all, by any means, emails, calls,texts, fb, etc for a month and focus on yourself meanwhile. thing is, you have to realize, that only you can make yourself happy. not anyone, not your ex. Start working out, hanging out with freinds, and find a new you, a more confident and independent you.
try it for a month, then message her something like, hey I was just re watching this ppv, and I remembered your enthusiasm when this guy won, and it put a smile on my face. Then build up the friendship, and eventually, become more than friends. i think Kevin’s 5 step plan to getting your ex back is solid. but if she cheated on you, or had an affair behind your back, then I really dont think it is worth it.
I have a post on my ex and I would appreciate a guy’s perspective. Good luck and I hope you find your happiness 🙂Maybe you guys should take some more space, like a month before you guys talk? I feel like you already tried the whole no contact rule, finding yourself, then getting him back.
I think for this time around, you can try the no contact to gain some more clarity, then have a serious talk with him about the future. He needs to know that you wont wait around.You know when my ex suggested he wanted 6 months break in dec 30, 2015 until I graduate this June, he said if we were meant to be we will find each other, and he still love me. On dec 31, 2015, he says he sees me as a friend. He told his friends a weeks ago , that he broke with me a month ago, and started going out with this girl since new year. After hearing things his friends and family said, i know he had it goign on with her since last September. took her out, gave her rides. he never took me out, or even tried really hard to, while we were in a relationship. This is a guy who told me I love you within a week of our relationship, that he wants to marry me one day within 5 months, and wanted to get engaged after 10 months. looking back, at the time he wanted to get engaged, he had it going on with this girl. And he had the unmitigated gal to suggest that if we were meant to be, we will find our way back to each other. the way I see it, if someone truly loves you, he or she will make time for you no matter the circumstance. He will never contemplate cheating on you no matter the circumstance, because he knows that what you two have is invaluable, and can never be replaced. There are couples who dont see each other for months and they are still committed and faithful to each other. I think after you apply the no contact rule again, you might be able to see my point of you. If he wants you, he will make sure you are with him. When something is important to you, no matter how tired you are, you still make time for it. For example, no matter how tired I am, even if I pulled an all nighter, I still make time to put on my makeup before going to school for half an hour because it is important to me.
Good luck and I wish you happiness 🙂
