BeingReborn

Sorry I just cant go to sleep….

The job I landed and that I have worked since then has absolutely sucked. I was constantly getting harassed by my coworkers. I started applying for new jobs and recently landed a new and better job this past monday. My first day of work is Nov 4th and I havent worked for close to a month now. I dont know what I am going to do this coming week now after this interaction. I mean in my mind. So much is going through my mind I need to be able to calm it down. I know its not the end of things. I know life will continue. I guess I just need to remove the expectations that I have had and that will alleviate my mental symptoms. I cant believe she found another guy again already. Like seriously? I’m hurt but why? We havent even been a thing for a year now. It looks like she was single for just three months. Do people really find others that fast? I mean three months aint really that fast but I havent even had a gf since her…. Maybe I just need to find a girl to go out with…..

Hi guys. Its been a while and lots has happened. Some of it good and some of it not so good. I will try to keep it as brief as possible but I’m writing now to clear my head after what has just occurred.

As we know she had started going out with a new man, Ryan. Since then we have gone no contact and I started my new job.

At the beginning of August something happened in my home town and she broke contact because she was worried about me. We started talking again. We escalate from texting to talking on the phone to her bringing me coffee to my work one day and a donut the next. She lets me know that she broke up with Ryan. Things looking good right? We continue interacting and escalate things more. We go have dinner a couple of times and she lets me see her daughter (huge win!). I finally kiss her and we go on a couple of dates, including doing yoga. It escalates more and now I’m in her bed and I tell her that I love her and she reciprocates the words (huge mistake). We were supposed to see each other later that day but she goes AWOL. She freaked out. She felt bad that she was lying to her friend about seeing me the past week. I want to talk but she doesnt so I leave her alone. This all happened in a span of just over a week, we moved oh so fast….

I sent her an email saying its just not working out. She apparently sees me as a stalker. I tell her that I wont chase her anymore and will leave her alone because I dont want her to be afraid of me and because its not going both ways (im chasing shes not). She doesnt reply. We go no contact again.

Its september now and my birthday. She comes into my work and surprises the hell out of me. She brought me a tart and a drink to enjoy. I walk her to her truck and we hug and she kisses me on the cheek. I felt so conflicted. I go to my home town for the weekend and when I return I call her and we are on the phone for a bit. We get disconnected but I drop by the dog park where she was at. We hung out and flirted just a little. I wanted to invite her to go eat but she invites me first. She follows me to my place and picks me up, this is the first time that she learns where I live. We eat and she drops me off. Now I hug her and kiss her on the cheek. The next day I call her in the morning but she doesnt answer. I leave her alone. No contact again…

October is here. It is now one year since we have broken up… Its her daughter’s birthday and I bought her a couple of gifts and drop them off at her house. She texts me later that night saying thanks and that her daughter knew it was from me right away. I dont respond… This was this past Wednesday.

Now we are here. Its tonight and I’m at a bar having a beer and boom she enters and sits next to me. I hug her and we talk. Catch up here and there but the conversation is interrupted frequently because the bartenders are her friends. I notice on her phone a guy is texting her. He sends three texts and then calls. She answers the phone but walks outside for the phone call. She finishes her beer, pretty fast, and says good bye. I ask if I can walk her to her trucks and she agrees. She says shes happy for me (about the things we caught up on) and I tell her that I brewed a beer and she asked how was it and I told her that I was saving it for us to enjoy together. She says something along the lines that she doesnt think that its a good idea to have a relationship of sorts. I ask her why and I forgot what she said but I call her out on the phone call by saying something like “its okay if you’re meeting a guy right now” and she says yeah she is meeting a guy and I tell her that I respect that but it still doesnt answer my question and she says that she has to go. I tell her to enjoy her night and that was it….

I feel defeated. I felt that I got so close to getting her back but rushed it and botched it up. Then the email didnt help. Now it looks like she found another guy and I’m here left alone. It doesnt feel good. I dont know what to do. I feel like I just want to give up but I dont know if that is the right thing to do. I still feel strongly for her but it seems like she’s trying to move on again. Maybe I just have got to move on. I know a year isn’t really a long time but now it looks like shes going onto another guy and what am I supposed to do now? Stupid me and my stupid email. I totally did this onto myself by sending her that email when it looked like she wanted me back but I pushed away. I just didnt feel good being called a stalker. I didnt feel good about a lot of things she said. IDK…

Prod her as in bug her about her new boyfriend and ask her questions about whats going on?

Thats not really the type of interaction I want to focus on. No one likes a needy, desperate person. If I am to focus on getting her back I need to focus on interacting with her in ways that make her happy and feel good.

However I am rewriting the letter I made but I think that is more for me than for her.

I figure since she has gone cold I have to just accept it for a little bit as in leave her alone for a small while (like a week at most) then start texting her again.

This first bit of interaction since NC was really heavy and emotional and brought questions up to her that had her feeling confused. Maybe she is realizing that she should leave him or maybe not but right now she is doing a lot of processing and perhaps its best to give her a little bit of time so she can ask those questions to herself without me breathing down her neck.

Im still stuck on those five months and she still doesnt love him. I think because she broke her rule about introducing new men into her life (wait at least half a year before she introduces a new man, she broke it with him because he also had a daughter) she feels that she wants to stick with this new man because she doesnt want to remove another man from her daughters life, she does desire stability but even after five months she says she doesnt love him makes me think she might leave him, as long as I continue showing her that I am stable and more mature than before.

I cant imagine being with another girl and not being in love with her because I am in love with the woman I left. I understand why since I hurt her so badly that she is trying to move on thinking I wont change or thinking she will never forgive me for the things that I have done. I guess I would try to move on with a woman that hurt me intensely but if that woman showed me a lot of growth then I would most definitely give her another chance but thats just me, not her. But maybe, just maybe, she will give me another shot

My good friend had separated with his then girlfriend, now wife, because she was real immature but in that year she grew up a lot and he got back with her and while they were separated he went out with other girls. Now they are married. Yeah things are different and I doubt she hurt him as badly as I did with her but hey nothing is impossible right??

I still don’t think NC is the thing to do. I need to interact with her, I need to reignite those feelings she’s has for me, I need to get her to open up to me and really let the love flow again.

Maybe not sending a text and calling everyday but I do need to interact with her.

I think with NC I will make it easy for this other guy to root himself more. Maybe not. I don’t want to risk it by letting them do their thing. If I want it I need to work for it.

Five months of dating and saying she doesn’t love him because he isn’t me. That’s my opening. That’s my in. Yeah i need to continue working on myself but at the same time I need to work on getting her back. I did NC from January till now and i don’t want to step backwards after seeing her and do NC again. I think that’s the wrong direction to go as of now.

I think I need to interact as much as I can in a non needy way…

However just now I remember of an instance that happened when we were together….

She went to a parent teach conference for her daughter and her ex husband was there and they had talked and both had cried and they kissed (or he kissed her as she said) and grabbed her butt…. she told me of it when she got back and I was okay with it because I believed she loved me…. I feel like this is eerily similar as in that we both talked and cried (I didn’t go for a kiss though)…..

Thinking of that just now doesn’t make me feel good. I feel like she even told her new boyfriend of what had occurred with us.

But then maybe not. Because she continue to text and interact with me positively afterwards.

All the woes of an over active mind.

Maybe I’m just making connections that aren’t even there

When we talked I told her that I wasnt there to say that I am better than him nor during any point of our talk did I talk about him negatively. I focused on what I have gone through and areas I have improved…

However in the letter I ask questions that are in reference to him.

I told her that yes she is the reason as to the start of my improvement.

Of course I am hung up on her.

I dont think more NC is the way to go. I have to go and actively create the feelings of attraction. Leaving her alone will let her focus on her new relationship with this new man and get over me fully. She said she doesnt love him because he isnt me and now it is up to me to light that fire from this kindle I have. That isnt going to happen by just stopping communication. She started talking again to me and I just have to show her that I have changed and not just faking it. I have to go out and make it happen.

I want to see her in person. I can’t just show her how much I’ve grown through text. I need to interact with her in real life. I want to reattract her in person.

I know I have to be mature at the right times but when will I be mature enough? What is that? What is mature enough? I’m on my own two feet. I’m holding down a full time job and have my own place (two things I’ve never done before!). I’ve quit drinking! I’ve joined a writing club and I am going to start a charity event which involves two passions of mine. I have improved a great amount. Yes i suffered from some insecurities when she told me she was meeting someone, I’m not perfect but no one is. My attempt at teasing her to make her laugh might have fell flat but I’m always learning.

I know what she needs, what she wants and im striving to be the best that I can be and I can be all that easily.

I know I said I wasn’t going to interact with her but I feel that it is the wrong approach. She won’t actively text or interact with me so it’s up to me to bring her back. She’s past the point where she wants to interact with me to see where I am at. So it’s all on me….