arnoldx11

Today went well, it was lovely to see her 🙂 However, it does raise questions about how I’m going to proceed…

I chatted to her briefly this morning to see how she was and she said she was feeling a bit better. We both did two hours of coaching and then went for coffee and a walk during lunch.

We caught up on a few things. I told her about the Muay Thai and she just said “omg” about it, because I’m getting so many bruises but I explained that just happens in the beginning until I get used to getting hit and my technique gets better. She said she is planning to learn to drive too but not until she finishes her course, so not until much later in the year. Her course is only going to be one night a week btw, and she’s doing it with her brother. She thinks she’ll need to study on weekends because it’s about computer programming and it’s almost like learning a language from scratch. She already speaks six languages fluently so I’m sure she’ll be fine! Her brother lives near me and she’ll be staying over with him when she goes to the course, but it’s during the week and she’ll be up at 7 am to get the tram straight into work the following morning anyway. I guess if I’m driving I could pick them up from the course but he lives quite close to town and there are loads of buses so it’s not really a big deal one way or the other.

She talked about how lonely she is during the week. We both coach individual children on Skype and she says she’s been giving them more time than she’s paid for just so she has someone to talk to! She coaches four nights a week, from Monday to Thursday. I guess if I was driving I could come over and see her during the week if she really wanted me to, but it’s not ideal as both of us have work in the morning. We used to video call on Skype/Facebook all of the time but we stopped doing that after New Year’s and the last time I asked (the day we broke up) she said she was tired and preferred to text.

We only went out during the week once, just before she went home in December, and that was lovely, but with her coaching schedule I don’t think she’d be free to go out as it would involve going into town for her, unless I came all the way out to see her. Possible if I’m driving, but there’s no quick fix before then. During the summer I’ll be off for two months, but in the meantime I don’t think I can help with this unless we go back to talking on Skype/messaging all of the time.

I also said that there’s a child moving here from England who’s very keen and I asked if she’d be interested in coaching her too, that I thought of her as soon as I heard about it. She said she has a lot of students already but would be happy to take on another one because “what else would she be doing?” I think she’s feeling very lonely and needs friends more than anything else, but perhaps she wants to keep me at arms’ length because she still doesn’t feel ready for a relationship. I just don’t know what to do. I think she’s very conflicted too!

Her voice had gone by the end of the day so I took all of the kids and did the final hour with them while she watched. It was a lot of fun (I was in my element, it was like the hobby we play and the teaching I do for a living all coming together) and I was delighted she was there to watch, and also that I was helping her out because her voice was gone.

She made no reference to what I said to her the last time we saw each other, except to say that she loved the present I gave her. She admitted she had been bragging about it to the kids! She didn’t mention me, but told them that her friend got her a book signed by the author, who’s her favourite author! They were very impressed and I just made a joke about having friends in high places. I was chuffed that she liked it so much. She said she’d love to meet him, and said that one of the other Irish teams asked her to play in the league in England that I play in at the final weekend in May (the author plays on the same team as me). She’ll be away for it, but said she would consider it next season (it begins again in November). I once again told her that we were always looking for female players and my team pays expenses too so she’d be more than welcome to play for us (I had said it to her before when we were together, but it didn’t suit her).

We also saw a street singer whose CD I got for her, and she pointed him out to me and mentioned that I had bought her the CD and thanked me again. I said if we’d known we’d run into him, we could have gotten him to autograph the CD and she blushed. It was a nice moment and a good memory. The night I bought her that was after a date we had where she had been in foul form all day and I reacted badly and, in her words, was a bit harsh to her. It was nice to see she remembered the positive thing about it, that I bought the CD without her realising and surprised her with it on the way home.

There’s a junior tournament that we’re going to be coaching together at, but it’s not until the end of July. It will involve us staying overnight in a hotel in another county/state for a few days. I mentioned this to her and told her the dates to see if she was free, and she said yes she’s definitely going to do it, but also visibly reacted when she found out we’d be staying over together (in separate rooms, but still!) I was cool about it and just passed it off as a necessity, but I’ve a feeling we were both thinking the same thing, that perhaps we’d be tempted to spend the nights together. I don’t know for sure, but she definitely sort of smiled/grinned a bit.

She’s looking forward to going home soon, but it’s not until the end of April. She said she was going home for Easter, but Easter in her country is two weeks later than it is here, that’s how I mixed it up. She can’t wait to see her parents, she says she’s going to visit her grandmother’s grave and hopefully get highlights in her hair. I’m hoping she feels great afterwards and I’ll see her the day after she gets back for more coaching, but that’s six weeks away.

I offered to send her materials for the next session, especially because she’ll be away before it, but she says she’ll prepare something herself. She appreciates everything I’ve sent to her, but she also says she’d rather I didn’t send her so much as she feels like she owes me. I’ve told her many times to think nothing of it, but she feels that way about a lot of things, meals and coffees too, so I absolutely respect that.

I walked her to her tram stop and went grocery shopping with her along the way. She wouldn’t let me carry the bag for her, but it wasn’t so heavy anyway. She said she always seems to get the same cashier when she goes to that shop, and he’s seen her with her ex-husband, her brother and me! We laughed and I just said he must think she has all these men to do her shopping for her! When her tram came we shared a tight hug and I told her she could message me anytime.

We’re both playing in a team tournament next weekend (starting on Friday) and there’s actually a very good chance that we’ll play against each other at some point. I’d rather not, but we’ve discussed this before and it shouldn’t be a big deal, we just play and forget about everything, and go back to normal after the game.

Here’s the really good news: she wants to meet up the weekend after next! She suggested we go for a walk along the beach (on the other side of the city, not the one we went to before where she was with her brother last weekend). This was something she mentioned to me when we were together, but the weather was never good for it and we didn’t get around to doing it. It will be a walk and a hike up a hill overlooking the sea. I’m really looking forward to it, I think it could be very romantic, just like the other beach walk was the first time, and I’m sure we’ll get to talk a lot.

However, I get the impression from her that she’s simply not ready to start a relationship, but she’s also very lonely. She was used to living with her husband and seeing him when they both got home from work. However, she wasn’t happy for months with him as he went out to play poker on weekends and left her alone anyway. I think she’s conflicted and still has negative thoughts about getting involved with me so soon after her marriage, like she told me back in January.

She said then that she felt “weak” for getting involved with me in that way. I couldn’t be there all of the time and couldn’t replace her husband in this way. She had just met me and it wasn’t like we’d be able to move in together straight away! I told her before that I wasn’t a replacement for her husband, that I’m a different person and many things would be different with our relationship. Some at first wouldn’t be as good (such as how much time we’d spend together, how much we’d see each other’s families), but that other things would be better and over time everything would be great. I really believed that and I think she wanted to believe it too.

I want to be there for her and I care about her more than anyone I’ve ever met. I’m just unsure whether I should push her to talk about things with me or just support her totally as a friend. Maybe I should just see how the next two weekends go? Is there anything else I can do? When we see each other in two weeks time for the walk, it will have been six weeks since I apologised to her. I wonder should I bring up the apology and ask her if she’s still processing everything I said? Or will I just see how the day goes and see if we share any romantic moments and be ready to respond to any signals she might give me?

I am so sorry for the incredible length of this post, I just wanted to be thorough! As always I really appreciate any insight you might have. I think there are a lot of positive things to take from today, but I’m also totally confused about how she’s feeling and what I can do about it! Other than being patient 🙂 Thank you so much again 🙂

Hello again 🙂 She messaged me last night, very friendly, ended the message with an x again. I’m trying not to read into that but she didn’t always send xs when we first started spending time together so I guess if it’s any sign it’s a good sign 🙂 She says she’s feeling a lot better and has been eating vegetarian for the past week and might stick to it. She’s got a new lens for her camera and is going somewhere to try it out today. She’s had a cough but is hoping to be ok for the coaching tomorrow and said “I guess we’ll have coffee at lunch time?” and asked me how my week was.

I just replied and said how glad I am that she’s feeling better, eating vegetarian might suit her, hope she enjoys using the lens as I know she’s been looking forward to getting it and gave her some general tips about her cough. For most of the time we were together I had a 90 day viral cough so I hope I’m not being patronising giving her tips as we probably already talked about all of that, but I don’t suppose I’ve done any harm. I said coffee sounds good and asked her what group she wants to take for the coaching (I’ve finished the materials I’ve prepared and am ready to send them if she asks for them). Also told her I was really enjoying teaching my class and that I’ve taken the first step towards learning how to drive. This was something she was hoping to do too but I’m not sure how far she’s gotten with it.

I was surprised that she didn’t message me back since then, but I don’t think it was anything I said. She didn’t read the message for an hour last night even though she initiated the conversation so I guess she was just busy with something else. I did think I’d have heard back from her this morning, but I’m sure she will contact me again before tomorrow, and if she doesn’t, no big deal.

This was what bothered me during the last week when we were together, her not replying and me wondering where I stood, as everything had been so intense and we were always talking and expressing our feelings for each other. I’ve accepted that it’s just her manner, I know she has a lot going on in her head, and just because she doesn’t reply to me it doesn’t mean that I’ve said anything wrong or that things aren’t ok with her.

I’ve often had really long texting conversations with women over the years, back and forth, and it can be very invasive. It just led me to over-analyse and worry whenever their behaviour changed i.e. not replying or sending very short messages, and often times I would be right, that something was up. I think these experiences led me to feel insecure and react the way I did when we broke up. In fact, when she said “I think we said I love you too soon”, I had said this exact same thing, word for word, to an ex before, and I remember discussing this with her (the girl I’m trying win back) too! So I just assumed she meant it the same way I did that time, when actually the context was completely different. Ultimately it’s very important that we both have our own lives to lead and shouldn’t feel like a reply to a message is necessary.

I’ve also started doing Thai boxing classes twice a week with some friends that I wouldn’t normally get to see during the week, but I might just tell her about that tomorrow if an opportunity arises. I want to let her know I’m doing things with my life, but I also don’t want to overdo it and make it seem like I’m doing great, when I know she’s been having such a tough time recently.

I think the most important thing is just to be supportive of her, listen and try to really empathise with her, and be confident and happy when I see her.

Tomorrow is the first time we’ll have seen each other in person since I apologised to her. She said before she needed time to process everything I said, and joked about taking a month to do so like I did. Well, it’s been a month! 🙂 She did contact me after two weeks asking to be friends again, so that could be her way of saying she thought about what I said and decided this was best. I feel I shouldn’t ask her to talk about it all tomorrow unless she brings it up herself. What do you think?

I’m hoping to just enjoy spending time with her tomorrow and if we re-ignite the spark we had at first, that would be wonderful. I felt we really did that last time too, but it ended on a very serious note because I needed to apologise to her. I’m hoping tomorrow we just have a fun day together again 🙂

Next weekend there’s an event I’m playing in and I’d say she’ll probably be playing too, and the weekend after I think she’s going home to visit her parents for two weeks. She gets back at 1 am on a Saturday night and I think we have our coaching day again later that Sunday morning!

So there isn’t really a huge opportunity for us to meet up outside of our hobby over the next few weeks. If she’s free in two weeks time before she goes home, I’d love to meet up with her, but she may well be just really busy packing or she could well be leaving on the Friday night/Saturday morning for all I know. Very happy just to spend time with her tomorrow, hopefully see her and chat a bit next weekend if she’s there, and see how she feels when she’s back from her trip home. It’s another month away, but I can wait and I’ve a lot going on between now and then myself. It feels like things are going well but I need to take each day as it comes and be very patient. Thank you again! 🙂

You’re absolutely right, I don’t know what I was thinking. I’m not the kind of person who plays mind games, and I’ve always been so sincere with her that I really hope she won’t read too much into it. I got completely carried away. Obviously she would be thinking about our time together there anyway, as I was the last person she went there with. I will definitely calm down and not say anything like this again. I’m just so happy that she has started to trust me and contact me again. I need to be so much more patient.

It may be even worse than it seems though 🙁 I know this is an anonymous forum, but I still felt uncomfortable sharing this as she’s only ever told her husband and me about it…but she has an eating disorder. She has it under control normally, but with everything that was going on, she relapsed last week.

She told me about it on Saturday and I sent her contact numbers for helplines and gave her loads of encouragement, telling her that everyone relapses and it’s part of the recovery process, that she needs to focus on the diet that she has made for herself and has been so disciplined to stick to all this time.

She told me yesterday morning that she felt a lot better about food and that the critical moment had passed.

And straight after I had written that stupid and insensitive picnic comment, I said I was so glad to hear she was on the mend and that she felt better about food. I’m hoping against hope that she takes it to mean that a picnic could be just what she needs now that she’s feeling better, rather than a doubly ignorant and insensitive remark about our time together and about food.

I wonder should I actually write to her and apologise in this context? That I realised afterwards how that could have been taken the wrong way and I didn’t mean anything by it? It really is out of character for me to write something so blatantly insensitive. I feel terrible about it. Perhaps she’ll pass it off as me just encouraging her to eat and enjoy herself? I literally just didn’t make the connection, I was intent on referring to our time together somehow, it was a huge lapse on my part.

Maybe I should just wait until Sunday and see if she brings it up? I wasn’t planning to contact her otherwise. I think she will most likely get in touch with me around Friday/Saturday to discuss what we’re doing on Sunday. I have prepared a load of material that can really help both of us for Sunday and I told her about it last week. I’m going to have that ready to send to her if she gets in touch. I think she will really appreciate it, it will save her having to prepare anything.

I really feel like I messed up royally though. I’m hoping she doesn’t see it that way and gives me the benefit of the doubt. Maybe I should just leave it? Or would it be good to send a short apology/explanation to try and take the harm out of it? I still can’t believe I said that! Thank you again for being so perceptive. I’ve been trying to be so careful and meticulous I missed something huge…

Sorry again! When we were there one of the romantic moments was me shielding her from the wind on the pier at sunset. We also had a picnic (that she prepared the food for!) on a summit overlooking the seaside. With the way we were sitting, my leg went dead and she had to hold on to me until the feeling returned.

I’m thinking of making some quip about how it should be a bit warmer than October and say it’s a lovely day for a picnic and hope her brother doesn’t lose all feeling in his leg, something like that. In a way it feels like a missed opportunity, but the romantic memory text might seem a bit too full on and this way will still get her thinking about the time we spent there together. She’s also been there before with family and her ex-husband, and recently posted a picture of her sitting on the pier there about a year ago.

What do you think? Should I avoid sending a full on memory text? Or maybe not mention it altogether? I could keep it brief and say “I know how much you love it there”, and just save the memory text for later? I have other occasions in mind to use for a memory text if it feels right. If I get sentimental with her now I feel like it might put her off, as this is the first time she’s hung out with her brother since their grandmother died and she already has a lot to think about.

Sorry, I know I’m overthinking again, it just helps me to write all of this out before replying to her. And thank you once again for all of your advice! You’ve helped me all the way through NC to initiate positive interactions with her again! I also feel like this thread is much longer than any of the others I’ve looked at! I can’t thank you enough 🙂

Thank you 🙂 She has been through so much, with her separation, everything that happened between the two of us, she also had a problem in work that she lodged an official complaint about, and now with her grandmother dying and her missing the funeral, she’s suffered so much more over the past few months than anyone should. I wrote her a long message telling her how strong she is, not to feel guilty about missing the funeral as there was nothing she could have done, linking her to bereavement counselling services and telling her I’m always here for her. She just reacted with the heart-eyed emoji.

I hope she’ll be ok and if I don’t hear from her I might check in with her later in the week. She’s quite introverted and will probably try to deal with everything herself, despite the fact that there are support services available. She’s also conscious of not worrying her parents, and her brother is younger than her so I’m not sure how much she’ll confide in him. I may be the only person she is being truly honest with and I hope I can live up to the responsibility. At the same time I don’t want to hassle her. She says she needs time and I want to respect her wishes.

I’ll be seeing her tomorrow week for coaching anyway. I’d love to see her before then but I doubt she’ll feel up to rescheduling. I think it’s going to take some time for her to recover from all of this. I’m just going to do all I can to be there for her if she needs someone to talk to and make sure she knows that.

Thank you again. I really hope that she will feel better soon. She’s going home for two weeks in about a month’s time, I’m hoping that will be a lovely, relaxing holiday for her. I will continue to be patient and just look out for her as best I can.

Sorry clicked “enter” before I had finished! I definitely plan to hug her first thing, and I would like nothing more than to kiss her on the lips too, but I’m wondering would I be coming on too strong? She has said she just needs a friend and I’d be worried about pushing it too much too early?

I’d love to take her to dinner too, and there’s a good chance we’ll go for food if she’s hungry. She doesn’t like people buying her dinner and insists on paying for herself, and she’s also trying to save money and so prefers not to go anywhere expensive! I will definitely suggest food (I’d imagine she will be hungry as she has a game in town before we meet up) and I have a couple of places in mind if she wants to, but it might end up just being coffee. I will definitely listen to her and see if there’s anywhere romantic she’d like to go or even just go for a stroll (town is lovely in general at night time).

I would love to treat it as a date, but she has contacted me under the pretense of us just being friends, and I think that’s where my confusion lies: I want her to know I can be there for her without putting pressure on her to get back together.

Do you think she would have reached out to me if she genuinely just wanted a friend, or is she seriously considering getting back together? I know it’s very difficult to tell, but I feel like if I tell her I still love her and be very direct, I might just push her away.

I told her when I was apologising to her a few weeks ago that I had realised she was still the same person I fell in love with. I know that’s not quite saying “I love you”, but she did say before that she felt we had said “I love you” to each other too soon. She also mentioned that everything was too intense last time. I would love to be up front to her about my feelings for her, but I also don’t want her to feel under pressure to get involved with me again so quickly, if she genuinely just needs a friend in her time of grief. I guess I’ll just have to play it by ear and see how we get along together?

Thank you so much again! I feel much more confident about everything and I’m really looking forward to spending time with her 🙂

I am sorry for seeking advice again as you have already helped me so much. I just feel like the next step is crucial and I am a bit confused as to how I should act. I would really appreciate your opinion.

I asked her if she would like to meet up this Saturday evening for coffee and she said she would. It turns out that her grandmother died last Friday, and this may have been part of the reason she reached out to me when she did. She was feeling alone and vulnerable and needed a friend. She was unable to go home to attend the funeral as she had to represent her office in court, so she was naturally very upset and disappointed about this as well.

She said nothing about our previous conversation and just said that I’m a very nice person and she really needs a friend.

I am happy to be there for her and hope to help her feel better. I have already sent her condolences and several messages to try and cheer her up and she has appreciated them. I haven’t heard back from her since Tuesday but I expect she’ll message me either tonight or in the morning.

I think she feels she wants to just be friends for now. I am hoping that we just have a lovely evening, that she feels she can trust me again, and that I can give her the emotional support that she needs.

However, knowing what happened between us before, I’m also concerned that things may move very quickly, especially if we end up going for drinks afterwards. In the past I have always either gotten the tram with her and then walked her to her door (as the walk is unlit and quite lonely unaccompanied), or she has called me when she gets off the tram in order to feel more secure. It sort of depends on how late it is but in any case I would prefer to walk her to the door, even though it adds potentially two hours to my journey, I just want to make sure she is safe. I’m planning to offer both options to her and see what she says.

My concern is that I know she is emotionally vulnerable and as much as I want to reconcile with her, I don’t want to take advantage of her emotional state. If we happen to have a great time together and rekindle our spark, I don’t want to rush into anything with her again, but I also don’t want to miss my chance.

The first time we agreed to be “just friends”, we had a long conversation about it, she said she wasn’t sure how she felt about me but wanted me to be rational and just be her friend. A couple of days later however, we went on a lovely romantic hike near the beach and she told me much later that she had really wanted me to kiss her then. Two days after that hike we ended up sleeping together and that’s when everything started.

I’m sure she doesn’t want to fall into the same pattern again and rush things with me. I’m also well aware that she may not want to get back with me at all and truly just sees me as a friend. I’m happy in any case and just want what’s best for her. However, I don’t want to ruin any romantic moments we may share by not taking the chance to, for example, kiss her if there is still strong chemistry between us.

I know I’m probably over-analysing again, and a lot depends on how tomorrow evening goes, but I’m just looking for your opinion in general: should I err on the side of caution and risk missing my chance to get back with her? I feel that I should and that no matter how much it might seem that she wants to rekindle our spark, she most likely isn’t emotionally ready and she’ll realise that before long.

If an opportunity arises where it seems like we’re getting very close to each other, perhaps I should just ask her how she feels? Again I don’t want to ruin the moment or pressure her. Should I just treat it as a friendly meet-up no matter what?

Thank you again for all of your advice. I understand that I’m probably thinking too much about this, but I also feel like it’s a tricky situation and I want to be prepared as much as I can for how things might play out. Knowing our history together, these were more or less similar circumstances to how we first got together, and it’s possible that things may go in the same direction again.

If she simply wants someone to talk to and spend time with, I’m happy to be that person. I would hope that she’d appreciate me not rushing into anything and that even if it seems like she wants something to happen straight away, she wouldn’t hold it against me if I was “rational” and held back. At the same time, I am concerned about her potentially feeling rejected if things are going really well and look like they can go further. Especially considering the confusing way in which things ended with us before. She told me she felt weak for getting involved with me and just wanted to be friends, and then I took that completely the wrong way and initiated NC. I am thrilled that she seems to feel like she can trust me again and wants to spend time with me, and I’m perfectly happy if that’s all there is to this. I just feel like I have spent the NC period healing and getting to grips with everything, but that she may just be in a similar emotional state to when I first met her/when we broke up.

I hope this comes across the way it’s intended! I completely understand that she may simply just want to spend time together and lean on me for emotional support, and that’s fine, I want to be there for her. I’m just worried that if the right thing for me to do is to just be friendly and keep a certain distance between us, I might push her away. The first time around I took everything she said at face value and tried to just be friends with her, but it turned out to not be what she wanted at all.

I know I can’t guess what’s going on in her head, but I feel like it’s a delicate situation, she’s decided to trust me again, and if I misread something I could damage that. I’m also aware that what she might feel she wants in the moment may not be what’s best for her or for either of us if she’s emotional fragile.

Apologies for the length of this post and for over-analysing again! I just feel I need some reassurance on what the best approach might be in this case. Thank you so much again!

Thank you very much again 🙂 I will let you know when I hear something!