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So I’m gonna try to sum it all up. My now-ex-gf and I met in August. Instant spark for both of us. We were long-distance, and started dating officially in mid-September, about a month after we met.
The relationship was magic. Of course, there were little things here and there but we worked through them together. We were a team.
So it came as a complete shock when she broke up with me out of the blue in November. Basically, I visited her family for Thankgiving, then her mom called her after we went our separate ways back home and voiced some concerns. However, it was my ex’s idea to break up.
She called me up immediately after a stressful but great few days together and broke up with me. I handled it well. I stayed calm and collected, and I didn’t beg or ask her to stay.
Immediately following the call, I didn’t contact her at all and I stopped posting to social media. I journaled a lot. Then that Friday, I received a letter from her that she wrote right after the breakup, basically comforting and encouraging me and apologizing for any pain she caused.
She texted me the next day. I responded, and it became a short but sweet conversation. Then we didn’t talk again until the next Saturday. I had written her a response letter basically telling her my intentions had not changed, and that I *do* accept the breakup, but that my commitment to her stands.
She said it hurt a lot to read the letter. She also said she didn’t mind that I felt that way, but that I’d need to conceal my feelings in order to maintain a friendship with her because it would be too painful otherwise. After that, we didn’t talk much for a while. And then the day after Christmas, we had a nice and long texting conversation. And then another one the next day. Then the third morning, she explained that she missed me dearly, too much to be friends yet. Then she suddenly stopped responding for another week or so.
Since then, I found this page. I also started rebuilding attraction through texts to the point where she was initiating almost exclusively. Don’t know if that was a bad thing. She had the idea of us Skyping, and we planned to talk last Saturday. But then Sunday last week, we had a somewhat pointed conversation. No fight, but it appeared to end poorly. We didn’t talk again at all until Friday, the day before we were supposed to Skype. I was going to text her to check in, but she texted me first saying not to do anything for her birthday or Valentine’s. I acknowledge her and then asked if she was still good to talk the next day. She said that she was busy and that we’d see. She sounded upset, so I decided to confront it head-on. I asked if anything was wrong. She then stopped responding for two weeks. She finally texted me with some nice conversation starters. I was busy and finally responded a couple days later and we had a nice and short exchange. Then I texted happy birthday to one of her friends that I had met once while visiting her. As soon as I did, she must have heard, and she immediately asked me why I was contacting her friends. I answered honestly. I clarified the misunderstandings and I clarified the misconstrued truths. I said I understood that she did not like it and that I would stop, even with birthday texts. I finished by asking how I can better respect her, and then she stopped responding again.
What do I do? I think a good approach now is to genuinely just keep things light and prove to her that I’ll be there for her no matter what. But I have a feeling her idea of me of me is changing into something creepy or annoying just because of these past couple conversations. Can I undo this? What is my best next step. I also want to make sure I come across as decisive and as a leader, because I feel like I lost confidence and independence toward the end of our relationship. I am cool and confident and strong. How can I ensure I come across this way? Maybe I didn’t spend enough time improving myself. Maybe I didn’t spend a long enough time doing no contact. Maybe I shouldn’t have voiced my current feelings. I feel used, but I know this is not her nature, and I am still interested in this relationship, even if it is years in the future.
What’s my next step?
Next step huh bro? Well you’re actually at the first step. No contact. Why? You responding to her is like a status quo now. She feels it is normal for you two to not be in a relationship but still enjoy each other’s company. Destroy that comfort zone. Break her misconception of you. Don’t let her adapt to this status. It’s like “I feel like you’re my bestfriend” type of thing. And it is good you are aware that you need improving. Now start doing it. Active no contact. Not passive. Passive is like watch me do nothing. In active is like. Watch me being cool about everything.
Okay, so update. We live on opposite ends of the country. I visited my friend who lives near her for Spring Break. I was trying no contact, but after being there a couple days, she finally reached out to me. This threw me off guard, and I didn’t know what to respond. I decided to sleep on it, but when I woke up the next morning, I had some desperate sounding texts just begging for me to at least acknowledge to her that I was in there. I finally responded on the third day calmly, saying that because of her silence I was (honestly) confused about her messages. I offered to meet up and talk things out, but she just responded that I had merely misunderstood her (ha!) and that she would be busy all day so she wouldn’t be able to meet me, and she closed by saying she hoped I enjoyed my time in town. I then left and haven’t responded since.
That was last weekend. Then this past weekend that just ended, she visited her friend that was trying to get her to leave me during the relationship. I am confused, and everyone seems to have a different opinion. Any advice?
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ALSO: I am doing the “be cool about everything” approach.
You know just be cool with it. You should lose you cool. Remember when unsure silence is a valid answer. Sometimes. Well you should give meaning to what other people think about you as of now. Not even her own opinion. Just go with the flow for now.
If you ignored the desperae messages it wpuld have continued. But meh. There are consequences to actions. What was the thing written in the guide? Make it her idea to come back.
I’m considering writing her a letter to tell her that although she originally said she wanted to be friends, she’s made it impossible. And then request that she not contact me again. Do you think this would have any positive result or no?
Because I mean, up until this point, she’s been the initiator of most contact and she’s the one who stops responding. So in a sense, I’m letting her walk all over me, so maybe if I just end the relationship completely, she’ll really rethink her actions.
The guy I think she’s kinda with now has been one of her best friends for a year or two. They have a long history of friendship. He also pushed for her to break up with me so she could date him. I know I can’t push my intentions, and that it is ultimately her choice. I just don’t know what to do here. I don’t think this is just a rebound. They haven’t made any relationship “official” yet, but I fear it’s only a matter of time. When she was replying to someone’s comment to her on social media about the two of them, she replied say “it’s *our*…”. Sounds very couply. Anyway, crushing me. Thinking maybe I should just write a long letter explaining that although I’ve loved her, she hasn’t been doing a great job at this friend thing, and since I don’t feel respected by her, I know I need to move on. In the letter, I still can be encouraging and try to close on a positive note, but tell her I’m going to move on because I don’t feel she’s really as interested in this friendship as I am. Basically say “I wanted to be your friend, but you’ve made it impossible. I do truly wish you the best, but I am moving on, and I’d appreciate it if you didn’t contact me again.”
I think it might show maturity and self-respect on my part. And then if she ever wants me back, she’ll be the one to chase me, which has unfortunately never been the case.
I feel like any one of these days I’m gonna see a relationship status pop up on her Facebook profile when she decides to take her relationship with her guy public. Nothing is public yet, but I just have this gut feeling that when she visited him he asked her out. He begged her to break up with me, and now she’s single. She flew out to visit his family, which she never did for me. I know they must have hugged, and physical contact is really big with her. Like instant trust with people she’s comfortable with. They’ve cuddled and fallen asleep together before as friends, which her and I have also never done, so they could have very well done that together as well. And they’ve been best friends for almost two years, whereas her and I only dated 4-5 months.
During our relationship, we didn’t take very many adventures. I only saw her three weekends in-person since we were long distance. Last weekend when she visited her best friend, he took her hiking through the mountains, making memories like I was never able to with her.
Don’t even know what to do. He’s playing his cards perfectly even though he’s immature and sneaky.
What can I do if they start dating? I feel like they’d last it out. Is there anything I can do? I don’t want to move on. I want to be with her.
Well .. I think that she likes you .. But maybe she’s keeping you on the hook ..
She doesn’t want to lose you ..
I think you should start a NC and follow the 5 step plan .. go on a date or two .. And never respond to her .. And if she insisted .. You can tell her that you need a space ..And plz .. Can u give me your opinion on me story?
Sorry I’m in Japan right now and I couldn’t connect properly. Okay right. So here’s the deal. Let’s not put any stories in our head. Do not assume anything. Your story will be completely different from hers. She may have pushed your breakup in your eyes but she may have other reasons why. Right now the only thing you have to assume is if you ar going to change for the better or not. And right now you are focusing on her too much. That’s is what is hindering you. Try to ease your mind first.
Yes, I’m sure she has an entirely different story than I do. However, we haven’t had any contact whatsoever in 3 weeks and it doesn’t seem to be affecting her even the slightest bit. I will focus on myself and be better, but at what point do I reach out to her if at all? It’s been almost 4 months since we broke up. I think we were getting to a good place back in January, but the sudden silence really ended everything abruptly. What if she’s honestly just moving on?
Hmmm moving on yes. Well there are things we can do to make him/ not to move on properly. One. Be active in social media. Why? She/he sees you having a great time. Two. Become friends with many people. If it is a small town this would be most effective. People would have a good image of you thus boosting your value. Three. Project self-worth. Value. If you are a valuable person you are worth keeping in anyones life. Do the last one first because it is the most effective of them all. Plus you need self-confidence because i am sensing you are a little anxious of events.
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