so i broke no contact..

well we broke up 13 days ago and i messaged her on the first day after we broke up.. then 8 days in and i guess its 4 days into this no contact. i have been leading a busy life sorting out things with a new job and a loan, hair cut and getting new clothes on the weekend.. have had interviews to go to. thanks its just.. i dont know what shes doing.. why is she with her ex which she told me she could only tolerate him when shes high? he stayed over last night, pretty sure shes supposed to have work today and him, i mean there might be a reason she isnt today but the fact hes there with her.. it kills me.

i just dont understand. she made an account on a long term relationship website.. all the things she says shes looking for are me.

she wants;
We are highly attracted to each other
They openly listen and communicate
They share their thoughts and desires
They resolve conflicts rather than win arguments
They are affectionate
They are hard working

she doesnt want;
Dependent on me for their happiness
Intolerant of others beliefs
Financially Irresponsible
A person with intrusive relatives and friends
Flirtatious with others
Always late
Doesn’t have kids

ill mark the ones she might not think were me in bold

even if she does find someone like that, i dont think she’ll be happy as we used to lead very messed up lives. she actually told me a saved her life. which is probably true.

hahah yeah i guess i did forget to include that one… guess im just used to the idea that she thinks im attractive. never thought about it before but she found me more attractive than i realised.. she never straight out said it, but made remarks like, you could be a model, or when i was shirtless ‘you should stay like that’ and other things about myself. and i dont mean just in physical attraction. we did respect each other and i acted as a man. and she respected that. there were times were i could have acted better. and she lost respect for me because of them (shameful, i know. cant be great all the time) and we talking about that actually and i know it is one of the reasons she lost attraction to me. that and my job search wasnt going as well for me as it was for her,and the fighting. we were both unfortunately suspicious of each other. i guess it came with knowing how clever each other could be.

i will admit i am worried though. Shes looking at moving out. i know i guess it doesnt really mean anything or change anything. one of the places shes looking at is like a 5 minute walk from mine. the others are much further. dont really know what to make of it.