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Further to your post @bingbong
I actually think you are in a good position. Not only is she clearly on a rebound but I think the fact she is so obvious about it all makes it easier for you to do what you have too.
I view NC like this.
The dumpee is left with a hole. They know what they want to fill the hole with but can’t as it’s not available to them. Instead they fill the hole with whatever they can whilst hoping that what they want becomes available again.
The dumper has a hole too and don’t want to have what it already used so tries other things because it wants too, not because it has too.
In other words I think anyone in NC has to be prepared that their ex is more than likely going to go on a date with someone else, or at the very least flirt with someone, as they need to replace that void, even if they created it themselves.
However it’s not until they have tried something else do they know whether they really missed you.
Yours is doing that now, it’s now down to whether or not she wants to go back. There is little you can do to change that apart from better yourself and make her realise what she is missing and isn’t readily available to her anymore.
Thanks for that advice @Mrtdg82
I definitely agree with everything you’re saying so it’s reassuring to hear someone else back up my thoughts. I’ve said everything I could have possibly said to her about what went wrong, what I could’ve done, what she could have done, that I think she is mistaking a rough patch for “a sign that it isn’t meant to be,” and all that. I’m glad I finally got to say everything in our fight yesterday because the fact that I hadn’t said things I wanted to was eating away at me and tempting me to contact her.
After one month of NC, I did try to contact her but it was like you said. Very short, superficial, and sometimes she just wouldn’t reply. She made clear that we can’t talk every day like we did in the relationship (and I knew that) but that we could still say hi every couple of weeks. That’s when it hit me that this LC was bullcrap. I know I can’t interact with her like I did before but she’s so clearly just tossing me in the corner and trying to keep me around just enough to make her feel like she still has me in her control.
I definitely think this new relationship is a rebound (if you think otherwise, please let me know and why….don’t want to make miscalculations). But I mean going from a very deep, emotionally connected 2 year relationship to actually seeing someone else regularly (not just went on one date) is ridiculous. It hurts like hell but I know I can’t do anything about it. We aren’t dating anymore and she can do what she pleases. But it does do me some good to know that she is having such a hard time that she is turning to someone else to try to fill the void. Of course, that never works and hopefully this rebound will actually be the turning point where she realizes that she misses me.
I do hope that the high tensions of our fight will have really pushed home my sentiments that she miscalculated and took a month long rough patch as a sign that things weren’t working out and she should end it. For reference, this is her first relationship…like very first EVER (I’ve been in 2-3 before this, so I definitely have more experience and insight into what is going on). She doesn’t have anything to go off of. She has no way of knowing between a rough patch that needs to be worked through and a complete falling apart of a relationship. So I don’t blame her but I hope that once everything hits her (me completely pulling out of her life, her realization that she’s filling the void with the rebound, her mulling over my thoughts on her decision), she will at least reach out to me to discuss things and I can work from there to patch things up.
I’ve read through your original post again in some detail. The way I see it, it’s one of 2 things.
Either she took the argument etc as a release and saw it as an opportunity to finally go public about her relationship.
Or
She did it to provoke a reaction as she thinks you have now gone and she no longer has a hold on you.
It’s more than likely the second option, as it’s too much of a coincidence she went public at that exact point. She wants to show you she doesn’t care when reality, she is having trouble letting go.
If I’m completely honest, it will take a long time before you ever reconcile in any way. You have to stick to NC, for as long as possible and only message on special occasions and gauge it from there as to where it’s going. Don’t mention you know about the boyfriend. I would bet she will sooner or later contact you, when she does don’t ignore her but keep it blunt so not to react. Let her lead and see where it goes.
Whilst this might be a rebound, she is obviously trying to move on but is having trouble letting you go.
Of the two I definitely think it is the second. This was right about the point of the convo where I was saying I feel like she quit on me and idk if I can be in her life right now.
I have fully accepted that this is going to take a long time to reconcile (if at all). I would love for her to realize she broke it off over a rough patch we needed to work through and for her to come back in hopes that we can start anew. But at this point, I just want her to be happy and for myself to be happy alone.
I’m definitely sticking with NC. I figured if she doesn’t contact me by Christmas, I might send her a short “Merry Christmas” text and see what happens. Bonus points if she has already broken it off with the rebound guy because that means she realized it was a superficial “filler” relationship.
Your situation is very similar to mine.
I was with someone inexperienced although with a history of issues when it comes to relationships.
She saw every disagreement as an argument whereas i saw it as getting to know each other. She even claimed we were toxic. She said a week before we ended that one more argument and she was gone. The problem is that with that ultimatum I felt like I couldn’t say anything ever, then after one bad day she said she was happy to discuss something I’d raised however when I did, it was game over.
I got angry, i apologised, I begged, I gave her space, did everything she asked but it didn’t work and she just threw obstacles in the way. Countless times she said ‘if I did such and such’ she would have got back with me. Truth was, she never had that intention she just wanted as little guilt as possible and to blame me for everything.
That’s often the issue with someone who isn’t experienced in relationships, it’s all about them as they don’t know how to handle the emotions. It’s also why they there is always the risk there when trying to get involved with them again.
It certainly is similar. Oddly enough, in the 20 or so months of this relationship we almost never fought. Being her first relationship, she wasn’t really aware that the “honeymoon phase” comes to an end at some point. She had just never been in a relationship to experience that. I had to explain to her that that’s just how relationships are. It doesn’t mean that we’re growing apart or that the love isn’t there, it’s just a normalizing of things.
Other than that, we never really argued or anything too much. I guess that was probably bad because she never got “used” to having arguments but understanding that they didn’t mean the end of the relationship.
I tried talking her through this most recent thing by telling her that all relationships get strained..especially long distance ones. We were experiencing a loss of connection but it was something we needed to work through, not a sign to end things. She may have took my words to heart but she at least stayed true to her convictions and said that she didn’t think we could’ve worked through it. It just sucks that I /KNOW/ she made this decision because she thought it was the end of the relationship and didn’t know that it’s okay to have rough patches and the you need to work through them.
Hopefully everything I said last night to her and my full on NC will do something. Even if she is trying to move on, she must still be thinking about things and the “why” of it all. I know I sure have been…whenever I’m not studying or in class, it’s always in the back of my mind.
I said the exact same thing to mine.
The problem is that it’s very hard to erase those doubts once in someone’s mind. Once someone starts having cold feet about it, getting them on track is hard.
Often it’s due to outside influences. Girls will talk to girls and if they are talking negatively about a relationship they will be encouraged to do something about it. That’s what’s sad and a downside to social media.
When my ex ended it on Fb I have no doubt she was messaged by various guys offering support (i work in this field, you would not believe how often it happens), so when someone has doubts or is in a position like that, there are alternative options that are easier than working on the relationship.
If it’s of any comfort, almost all my exes I’m friends with years on, one or two I see from time to time and meet up with.
Once all the anger, hurt and full on attachment is gone, it’s very easy to rebuild.
Right now any conversation you have will be backed up by you wanting to reconcile, she knows it and you know it, so there will be a barrier.
I can certainly agree with you there. I know that her roommate at her college and her talked about this quite a bit leading up to the break up. Unfortunately, all of her three roommates are also very inexperienced in relationships so they were probably simply backing up her instincts.
And that is something I am keeping in mind to calm myself down. Of course I want her in my life romantically because that’s how I feel about her, but when it comes down to it I know I would be happy just to have her in my life. I actually just recently got back in contact with my ex prior to this one and we very easily rebuilt our friendship
And as for her likely telling me about her new relationship in order to get a reaction out of me, I do think that is the case. But I don’t think she knows it. I think she legitimately thinks she has moved on and that she’s happier in this new relationship. I think it’s all happening at a subconscious level. But eventually, she most likely will realize that this is just a rebound relationship and that she’s doing it either to help fill the void or to get a reaction out of me… or both
That’s ultimately it.
It’s a horrible feeling. Your head knows what’s right but your heart fights back wanting the other person.
I’m 11 days into NC and it feels like a lifetime. The only thing that stops me texting her is that I have literally nothing to say.
It’s pretty much the only time my head wins the battle lol.
Yep. I did a month of NC starting 2 days after the breakup. Then we started talking and were basically in LC but my mind just gets to me thinking about what I could say or do to jolt her back into reality. It’s hard
Sadly I don’t think there is anything. That’s what awful about NC.
We are basically waiting for someone to want us. That’s what crazy when you think about it.
Why waste so much hurt and emotion on someone who has effectively chosen to do their own thing and not be with us. Even if we think we know better then they do.
I’m literally sitting around waiting for 4th December to text her on her birthday hoping that in some way shape or form that will create some kind of rekindlement.
However this is why we are here, because we have some hope, without that it only makes the whole thing harder to deal with.
Yeah. If you saw my earlier post, I was saying how around Thanksgiving time last year I went down to Florida to visit her at her school for the week. So that feature on Facebook that shows posts that you posted on that date in the past will hopefully come in handy. Our anniversary was also a van December 16 so hopefully that date will cause her to think about our relationship and maybe kick in some emotions and make her miss me or something
NC for 30-60 days and then LC to a minimum level works only when we have been able to renew ourselves!
Do not forget that the reason NC is suggested so that you improve yourself on the irresistible chart ratings and thus improve your chances of either getting your ex back or moving on happily (the ball might actually be in your court if you manage to utilize the NC period correctly).
Try not to focus on what FB will present as the anniversary memory and all, just focus on improving yourself. Once that is noticed trust me people will find a way to reconnect with you. Although I never went back to any of my exes (except one whom I really love and we were childhood best friends) I think if any one of my exes would have been smart enough to not drown in the sorrow and improved themselves I’d have surely tried reconnecting with them. The first thing an ex will notice again is the physical aspect. Visual. Once you pass that, they will be interested in figuring how well you’re doing emotionally. Mental. After that they want to know how much changes have you incorporated which had led to the break up. Practical. Once you’re able to check these boxes, everything else falls into place without you having to work hard.
People move on cos they feel better that way. If they feel coming back is better then they would. So never assume it is the end. But focus on yourself. I do agree that some people are stubborn and they might need a little extra persuasion. But that is your decision if you want to deal with that for reconciliation and a future with them like this.
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