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Nicely put Lee. How long were you together and how long have you been no contact for? Well I’m sure she just has the stuff laying around? Don’t you need to get all this stuff at some point?
I like what you said about the Bi Product bit. I just go through so many waves of emotion, this is day 11. I start to think I’m getting better and then I become weak again and get close to tears but working out keeps me straight and makes me feel better. 38 is not that old, I’m 25 but really don’t care about anything at this stage.
Like you said, at this point does she actually care that you’ve seen the light? how long has it been?
I’m sure we will all get there. But my anxiety is through the roof and I cannot stop checking social media, but I don’t wanna delete her.
As I broke NC i guess its day 6 again. But went NC first time round for 2 1/2 weeks. But while I contacted her and not hounded her, i beleive that it shows progress. Yet i know i have possibly reignited some bad thoughts possibly.
I did go proper bat shit crazy with my emotions and texts to begin with though. She was replying too, and even putting kisses at the end (which obviously i looked into too much) but the convo was always the same. I should move on and that her head/mind has not and will not change. You may hear the same. And sadly they are right! and they mean it too. But remember… they have just been through their grieving stage prior to dropping the bombshell. And will feel slightly liberated. The last thing they will want or picture is getting back with us within 5 minutes all because we have texted and pleaded.
Funny as i was telling her at the time that of course it would not change or that she will not miss me, as I was texting all the time. Like i said though was reading in to things too much and second guessing her thoughts and feelings. That annoyed her. I told her that I was even seeking comfort in kisses on the texts, and they continued. But then they just stopped and so did the contact on her side (as in would not reply as often). She later told me it was to prevent me second guessing.
Then one weekend while I was working the facebook pics of us where removed followed shortly by me being blocked. She then whatsapped saying was for my own good and that I asked her to do this. Which is all true I was killing myself by pinning over pictures or getting anxious seeing her online yet not talking with me.
Then I stopped writing for just a day… she then asked if i was ok… (again I know now was a mistake and was maybe her reaching out) but I blew it by unloading all my emotions again. Though by making myself seem hard done by she would take pity. Now i know all i achieved was making myself look less of a man and far from the guy she fell for.
We were together over 2 years and lived together for most of that time. I was also a big part of her 5yr old sons life ( from ex husband) and yes I do need my stuff. Basically i work away 2 weeks then off 2 weeks. So I only had a hanful of clothes when i left the house. (early March) So all my clothes and possessions are there. But if they are hidden away or on display, I dont know but cant think anything other than they are hidden. as its second guessing and false hope.
So yes I need to collect the stuff. But while I still wish to get back with her, I dont want any potential meetings to be about my stuff, or for taking my stuff to be the final act. I beleive its best I do move out and move to my folks for now, and hopefully visit on weekends or something. But thats well in the future.
But I also need to prepare myself for her not being home ( I have a key still) when i do come back. So need to be mentally strong.If you read my story you will learn I did somethings that where very wrong and actually seen things I wish i never seen. (Not wishing to go over it all again though). But the rational side of me realises it could just be to occupy her mind at the time. or it could be something different. But like all of us… we will all regardless if the situation have our own opinions as only we know what they are like as a person. While I beleive no matter what I will still wish to try to reconcile, I am going through stages of thinking ” why should i put myself through such heartache, when you did X,Y,Z) and leave me like you did, or give up on me.
But like i said… as they are experiencing a sense of relief they will act out in strange ways we never thought existed in them! We have to (while we want them back) believe that at some point they will look at the wall where our picture use to be and then reminisce and realize we were not bad guys and that they miss us. I guess like me you have googled this to high hell? So you have read and understood the “Dumpees” emotions and feelings during and after a breakup.
I know its also hard to take right now (i am still kind of in this stage too) But when people say “time will heal” Even our ex’s may of said this at some point or something like that. That alone could of been a good sign, but what we all seek at some point is reassurance of “time will heal” actually means we will all get back together and be happy.
As for media.. while i no longer have that problem, you need to stop… as its not healthy and you wont get past the depression stage. I would not delete her. and again while I know that if you wish to look you will. but just delete the app on your phone. or select hide or something like that.
But its true… no contact is about US and how we heal. It will not work well in the long term (even if she comes back) if you spend 30 days agonizing over her and waiting to contact her. as you would not of improved on yourself or healed and IF there is still rejection you will not be ready to accept that.
So hope for the best but prepare for the worse.
Easier said then done but, think of this quarantine as a blessing in disguise. You now have 3 weeks (maybe more or less) to do this NC and all the time in the world to improve on YOU! Take advantage of that hour for exercise! will clear your mind and she will notice the change! then use the internet for better things other than facebook. Learn a language or have Utube tutorials for an instrument. Or (it helped me to begin with) google every site about NC and take comfort in that. Just dont wallow in self pity as you need to gain confidence mate.
Just do anything to keep your mind busy. Trust me…. while you will still have those moments and flash backs it will get easier!Also trust NC, as you will get better. If i actually look back over my life i can now count a few breakups (much worse than this) where she reached out to me. Its just by then i had moved on and did not wish to go back!
While it might be “false hope” and bad advice.. why not take a postive spin on this. Why not think that she is not contacting you ( as you can bet your house on the fact that all our ex’s are doing NC too) as she wants you to improve on yourself for her. Think of it (as i do now and then) as its your way of FIGHTING FOR HER.
at the start we all said “I will fight for us” and thought we were by declaring unedifying love for her, and sending flowers and texting every 2 minutes. But in reality we are smothering them.
We all have to respect their wishes for time and space. If anything eventually they will respect us for that. But look at that as your way of fight for her (giving her what she wants) while improving your outlook on life and other attributes.
Again might be bad advice and I am sure @Patricia12 will say yes or no but….. whenever you get the urge to text. Why dont you either…
A. Write the text then delete it
B. write it on paper like a journal. You could even present that to her one day and will show how you grew in confidence and changed.
C. As you have been. Use this forum. We are all in the same situation and that brings us all together. And in times of need people (strangers) pull together!Thanks for the words of encouragement Lee. I’m sure you’ve had your fair share of crap and it does seem like your situation is very deep. But I’m glad you’re back to no contact. I hope she changes her mind… I know you don’t want to get your stuff after quarantine but maybe the willingness will make you look strong to her? Obviously with the boy in the picture that might tug on her heart strings also?
I have searched it all to death you’re right, all the no contact videos and everything else. I know the score. Just feel powerless to all this bullshit going on. last year was my first nice year since 2013, I’d finally got some substance back after wasting my teens.
I’m should hide it you’re right but I’m gonna give in and go on it. But I’m staying off messenger so when she is online she can see that I’m offline and she knows I’m not stalking her or staring at her online.
again while you will need will power, you can deactivate your status on messenger. So you will not know if she is online and visa versa!
Just stay strong mate. Granted this quarantine buts us in a shit cloud of confusion as we cant do anyting. I read that your ex has anxiety issues from time to time.
Mine too at one point. Her little lad is the main reason. And like your ex with 2 young ones… you/we have to remember that right now with everything that is going on in the world, relationships or thoughts of getting back, is very far down the pecking order right to now to some. As there is much more important things to worry about in the world right now.
I know how you mean about wasted teens etc. look at me. No better off and nearly 40!!
Not sure if its your thing but… why dont you try some online counselling. Might sound crazy but really helping me. Like i said this is OUR time, and we do things for us! But my sessions have made me realise where I was going wrong. And has made me learn as to why I was acting in certain ways during certain scenarios.
Google/download/order a book called 5 love languages. That was my first step. Was an eye opener, as you will learn why people drift apart.
Again like i keep saying (and partly because i need to heed my own advice sometimes) learning and understanding things in relationships will benefit YOU! as you will either be able to show your ex how you have improved. Or…… and hard to believe right now. You CAN and WILL be happy again, and even if thats with someone else, you would of learnt and understood things more and that will help in future relationships!
Yes mate tough times…I think it’s the other fella who has a mrs with two young ones. Mine has none, neither of us have kids. We both wanted kids, we’d talked about it multiple times but not in recent time, maybe I should have seen these seeds of doubt a few months back.
Online coaching sounds good but I am broke. Might just continue to read stuff online although I am trying to focus on better things like playing guitar again, learning a language I’m trying to learn and working out. I’m going to read your story now and see if that helps. Tonight is a hard night, i miss her like fuck and hate that I can’t just chill with her. She does suffer with anxiety and depression though, this isn’t all my fault, i need to remind myself of that sometimes
Just read yor story, I had actually read it before and now I remember. It’s so sad that love can drive us to do things like snoop, her joining dating sites, that is something I would never want to know, even if mine is talking to someone else right now I don’t want to know.
All really does seem lost right now for all of us here but I’m past caring, every day is the same so I’m getting used to it
YouTube is a good place to start with the guitar. I am often on there copying guys or watching their tutorial videos. Its not turned me into a “rock god” but more on a level where I could stumble through an acoustic set by a campfire haha.
Yes I did wrong, there is no excuses. But we all (even the ex’s) act in strange ways after the breakup. Not sure my reasoning… part of me was looking for answers or maybe just to feel close to her somehow.
But i have to (we all have to) accept and respect her wishes and just let her “get on with her life”. And like I said earlier all while doing things for us, and not sat pinning and holding on to hope counting down days until we can attempt to Contact them.It is hard to think that and appreciate it is hard but you have to get into a positive mindset, and i can assure you it will happen in time. Especially if you stay away from pinning over her facebook etc.
Hi guys,
I don’t know whether I’m just making an excuse to myself and I will look weak but I was thinking about messaging her to see how things got on, before I started no contact the other day she was telling me about one of her friends that was due to give birth but with massive massive complications that I won’t go into detail about because it is not really my business, we had talked about it months before too, what should I do, should I just say I hope everything turned out well etc or will she just see me as being weak and using it as an excuse to message her??
Unfortunately she will see this as you being weak and an excuse. All three of us here are in a dire situation that only time will fix. Day 12 for me and I’m giving up hope.
I wouldn’t message her but if you wanna test the water then go ahead, she likely doesn’t care that you’re taking an interest in this friend, all she cares about is your situation with her
Yeah mate I agree, it just makes me think to myself why do we care and love these people so much that know how much we are hurting and can’t even say ‘Are you ok’ after we have known them for however long, I just get annoyed at the thought that she is messaging someone else and being all smiley smiley to them which was obviously what we were like at the start, but this is her true colours, her excuse to me was I can’t do it anymore because she has changed, she had too many hopes and wants and by her wanting them things it spoilt it for us, why not just give it time to happen
I agree with absolutely with what you just said. The thought of her and another guy makes me ill but they are just rebounds… doesn’t mean it can’t work out and these guys replace us. They will walk over dead bodies to get what they want. They want it NOW.
mate you just have to stay strong!
As hard as it sounds, once they leave, whatever feelings they had for us have changed. Dont get me wrong I am not saying they dont care, far from it. So dont be down if she does not ask after you. Like I was saying last night. Dont just sit about and count the days down. As you need to work on your state of mind etc.
You might think that a text asking about her mate might be sweet, but deep down you know you are doing it just to satisfy that urge within to contact her.
her blowing hot and cold can be down to all types of emotions. So dont stress or panic yourself into guessing the reasons why. Main reason is because she will be confused as one day she will feel strongly to you, then the next day not so much. Again with everything going on in the world she will have her kids to worry about first and formost.
keep on at what you are doing and dont give in to the urge! Also dont get disheartened if she does not reach out at all during whatever length of NC you are doing. Its all about how you act and put yourself across after all this.
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