NC support

wow so much to catch up on today! good morning everyone!

@unimare, to distract myself i usually work out or go for a run. it just makes me feel happy and positive and i find myself focusing on either things.i also find reading has been very therapeutic. when I’m reading a good book, i get completely caught up in it and don’t really think about anything else while I’m reading. also, surprisingly enough, this forum really helps me. even though were discussing out exes, i find it therapeutic since my break up was 3.5 months ago and my family and friends are tired of discussing it – it helps to do it here!

@aphrodite, i also really enjoy making plans! i find setting myself short goals helps me get through my day productively. and i feel accomplished when i can cross something off my to do list! its funny my ex and i also broke up into the third week of his new job. he told me he was feeling “pressure” from all the way around including family, friends, job, me, etc. he said he had so little free time with his new job and wanted time to be alone and to visit with friends and family (i guess another reason he wanted to take me out of the equation!). but i also think you will be able to tell your ex just how much he hurt you. writing things down is helpful so you remember, but you will never forget! i will never forget the physical knot i felt in my stomach for the first two weeks after we broke up. it subsided, but comes back every time we have a conversation in which he says something i don’t want to hear. again, where i am really beginning to appreciate nc. ignorance is bliss 🙂

@belle, what an excuse to contact you!! he is literally emailing you to say i don’t want to talk. @aphrodite is so right in that he is trying to enforce power. and i agree with you saying the higher you climb, the further you fall. after coming out of such long term relationships, all of our exes are going to experience feelings of grief, loss, and sadness just as we are! sometimes they are able to distract themselves so much initially that it sinks in later. i also think because they were the ones initiating the breakup, their initial sadness was also mixed with relief. but once the relief wears off and they go to living the boring, single life, i really think their emotions will start to catch up with them
as for me, i still have constantly been thinking about my ex, but now rather than feeling complete sadness and longing for him, i think about him more with curiosity, wondering what he’s doing/thinking/feeling and wondering what will happen in the future – when he will next contact me, if he will want to reconcile, etc. do any of you find yourselves shifting to thinking more this way??
also a little story to give some hope during nc 🙂 one of my best friends’ boyfriend broke up with her back in july because she was moving states ad he didn’t want to do the long distance. she begged, pleaded, cried, etc. but he told her he didn’t believe in it. he took her calls and answered her texts while she was devastated, but always said the same thing about refusing to do long distance. they had many period of nc and fights before they both decided mutually in the beginning of november to really remain in nc and cut each other out so that they could both move on with their lives. this was something he had wanted initially but she couldn’t stick to it! finally, she did and she kept nc for 6 weeks and was actually really starting to feel better. of course, he called her i the beginning of january, when she was starting to actually move on and told her he made a huge mistake, missed her, and wanted her back. so it wasn’t until she completely went nc for 6 weeks that he realized this because before, she hadn’t been absent to him. so remind yourself when you’re tempted to break nc that it really can work, but just one slip up will change your ex’s attitude!!

atea1224

I love the story of your friend. I think the only way forward is NC. There is the proof with your friend. What happened in the end with you’re friend? Are they going to get back together?

My thoughts are not shifting like yours yet but you are further down the track to me and Aphrodite. It’s a good sign that you’re thoughts are changing positively!
My thoughts have changed in the manner that I’m missing my ex but im beginning to see what bad apple he maybe. I still want him back because there is a side to him, a big side that is wonderful. He’s showing his bad side at the moment and really do I want to be in this situation again in another few years, worse still another 8!
I’ve not responded to his email last night and I think that alone gives me strength to carry on NC because suddenly I’m the one that’s blanking him. I want to get him out my hair!

🙂

@belle, so proud of you for being so strong and not responding! i think that will really send him a strong message and i will be shocked if he doesnt send another e-mail to follow up to that one within the next few weeks. i once read an article (can’t remember where) on a girl who got back with her boyfriend after an 8 month split. she writes how poorly he treated her during the break up but when they got back together she asked why he acted that way and he said so he didn’t appear weak or send mixed signals and that he loved and missed her the whole time but it was easier to keep that to himself and put on a tough guy facade. not saying this is true for every guy – but if you do reconcile down the line, don’t be put off by how he is acting now! he is hurting as well. i also think in some sense its good when they behave this way because being angry with them is sometimes easier to cope with than being sad and missing them. either way sounds like you are getting stronger simply by being able to not respond to his email – i don’t think ill ever be that strong!! as for my friend and her ex, they are working on reconciling! he hurt her a lot so has a lot to prove to her that he’s committed and wants to be with her but he seems very up for the challenge! she told me although she began to really move forward with her life, she of course still loved him and held on to hope that he would be back eventually, so she was thrilled and shocked to hear from him out of the blue, almost two months later!
@aphrodte, i am such a planner!!! i think this has been one of the hardest aspects of coping with this break up for me. because i cannot plan what will happen when. if i knew he would never be back, i think i would force myself to let him go, and if i knew he would be back, i think i would relax and enjoy some time to myself before we resumed our relationship. when we first broke up he kept saying things like “ill be in touch” or “its not the end” or “i want to be back together one day but I’m not ready yet”, and most recently, “with time if we get back together our relationship will be stronger”. this has been the hardest part for me. thats why i do try to set myself goals for nc because at least thats a plan i can stick to. i know at some point down the road i am going to need to have a conversation with him about our futures and if he still wants to reconcile/when he thinks hell want to and if he doesnt and is moved on ill need to know so i can let go. initially i had set this time frame for mid march, but now i am going to wait. i am going to see if he reaches out first. i know he will reach out on my birthday at the end of april and if we have not discussed the relationship by that point i am going to ask him to meet up and discuss it. originally that date seemed so far away, but now it os only a little over 3 months and i think thats my plan of action for now (unless he reaches out to talk sooner), but I’m really doubtful that he will. my brain goes crazy wondering if and when he will contact me again but i think he will definitely wait a couple of months. as for your ex not having contacted you yet, don’t lose hope! seriously, my ex did not initiate one time for 3.5 months so i was genuinely shocked to hear from him last week. even though the conversation had no substance, the reminder he was thinking of me was nice. my ex lives in an apartment with his best friend and has a huge group of friends also in the city so he definitely keeps busy between work and seeing them, so he is similar to your ex in that way. sometimes it makes me nervous because he has less time to miss me but other times i tell myself its a good thing because when the breakup initially happened, he completely distracted himself and didn’t take the time to process and i think now he is probably starting to examine his future. i think this because when he reached out last week he told me he was starting to outgrow some of his friends and thought they were a bit immature. but anyway my point is, just because he hasn’t initiated contact yet, in no way, means he is not thinking about you!!! after 10 years it would be impossible not to. he definitely is but is sticking to nc as well. it will be better for both of you in the long run so that when you do both feel ready to speak again you will have clear heads, be more emotionally removed for the situation, and have clear pictures about what you want moving forward. its not a bad sign. some people hear from their exes months later and i think guys for some reason often take longer to contact for girls. i really don’t think it means anything right now and i can guarantee you he still thinks of you often. glad to hear you’re enjoying smoothies and getting a little food down!

@belle, in some ways i am envious about your situation because you are so right about mine being a waiting game! it almost makes it worse that he said he wants to reconcile “one day” because I’m left constantly wondering if and when he’ll want to, if he still feels that way, or how long is appropriate. also i still have no idea what kind of timing is right for us. on one hand, if he really wants the chance to experience other relationships and “explore”, after coming out of a 7 year break up, i think logically a year or two would probably be what he needs. but its also unrealistic to think we would reconcile after that long apart. i fear him coming back to me too quickly and then leaving again for the same reasons. then again, i think around 8 months should be enough time for him to have gotten used to living without me, dated casually, and decided whether or not he wants to fight for our relationship. I’m really not sure and i don’t know what will make him internally feel “ready”. i think me keeping nc will help him come to a conclusion the quickest because he will be forced to live without having me as a safety net and decide whether or not he is ok to lose me permanently. i just get nervous i have so much false hope and he won’t come back and I’m delaying my moving on process. oh well, one day at a time and keep hoping and using law of attraction…
as for your ex, i also think its easier for him to be nasty to you being abroad and also because your break up was over some kind of argument. i think once he’s had time to cool down from the argument and returns to london where he will be flooded with memories of you, i will be shocked if he doesnt reach out to clear the air. i almost think your situation is more hopeful than mine because he is angry at you – sooner or later that anger will subside and he won’t feel it any longer and then will regret abandoning your relationship. my ex on the other hand, has no reason to feel any resentment towards me and he doesnt. so if he isn’t ready now i really don’t know what will make him be. he’s also still so young so i think in his head he still gives himself another 5-10 years before he thinks of really settling down and i fear that will keep him away longer because he wants to enjoy all this time being young and single as he can. i don’t see why he will feel a need to rush back at any point soon