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Well her boyfriend is her rebound. She said she wants me. But I don’t want a friendship. She said she wants to build up our friendship and fix it and she said she will end up leaving him for me. What should I do?
@atea1234 !
Big news and then again, almost not news at all, because he’s just doing what he said he would be doing.. I’ll tell you exactly how I feel about what happened to you, because it’s very easy in my situation to put myself in your shoes.Firstly, I agree that him dating is essentially a good thing. I know two couples that are together with their first loves/high school sweethearts who had plans of marriage together, but where the guy has the same doubts. BOTH of the guys have actively cheated on their girlfriends behind their backs, because they’re afraid to break up, but feel like they need to get it out of their systems. One of the couples has also temporarily broken up I think and tried an open relationship which didn’t go so well… Anyway, my point is, we are definitely not alone in this position! And your ex chose to handle it in a very sensible and mature way and even if you don’t like it, you have to respect it. Also, – both those couples are married now actually – somehow I’m very sure that they didn’t in fact get it out of their systems just by sleeping with random girls behind their partners backs, because they didn’t really get to know them and weren’t able to “compare”, so I’m willing to bet that there will be/has been more cheating taking place.
But back to your ex. The one thing I’ve always wanted to say to you, is that I feel like you should also use this time to date people. Because you may not feel it now, but there may come a time where you have similar doubts, and this is the perfect time for you to try out some other people, so that you know – not just as a gut feeling, but empirically, that he’s the one for you. And maybe this was the nudge you needed to actually give some other guy the time of day?
So yes, in terms of moving forward, this was a good thing. Nevertheless, gosh he sounded just like my ex, I would be really annoyed at how calm and collected he is and oh so sensible and not showing any weakness and never drunk texting you and only sometimes thinking of you (exactly what my ex said to me also) – while we are here trying to get through each day without crying. As much as I’ve moved on, I don’t think there’s been one day where I haven’t thought about him. And that ultimately he’s prepared to lose you forever… that would really bother me still. But you might just be mature enough to look past that and see that he’s someone that has integrity, is honest to himself and to you, and if you do get back together some day, you can count on him to always do that in the future. Which essentially is a good quality in a person I think.
So really, if anything, he’s being a bit of a douche to that other girl actually.. I wonder if she knows his situation.I’m not sure which tactic you should take with contacting him, though. Just play it by ear I guess? On the one hand, staying NC would allow you to also see other people and truly try to move on a bit and see where that takes you emotionally. On the other hand, I can almost see how you contacting him every now and again in a charming way might end up sabotaging his potential other relationships.. But I think you don’t want to do that. You want him to come back to you legitimately because he chose you, not because you wouldn’t let him forget about you while he was out exploring. But you know, if you ever really feel like contacting him, I think he’s given you the green light that that’s okay. But only on non-relationship topics, I think. Don’t ask him about his, don’t tell him about yours, because I think you can see from experience that it really gets you nowhere, and he doesn’t have anything new to say to you, and it’s just going around in circles. So only casual tv-show texting, if any. That’s my two cents.
Hugs of support! Stay strong.
thanks for responding, @unimare. its 3am and I’m wide awake – can’t sleep and have no one to talk to! i think your read on my situation is very spot on. my ex said to me what he didn’t want to happen is exactly what you described above. he has never cheated on me and he told me he didn’t want to some years from now feel tempted or cheated by never having other experiences. his answer to me was pretty much what he’s been saying all along – that he has no idea how he will feel in a few months, that he loves me can potentially see a future, but he needs this time to date other girls and confirm this to himself. he told me i should be happy in a way that he’s dating now because he would never come back to me if he didn’t and that dating other girls is naturally going to force him to compare our relationship to these others and he said he believes in our relationship and maybe after dating around a bit he will come to appreciate the small things he took for granted after all these years. he told me not to wait around for him and he wanted me to be happy. and he actually said to me exactly what you just said to me. that he doesnt want me to have doubts in the future so he thinks it would be healthy for me to date around as well. but he also told me i need to do what makes me happy and if i don’t feel the desire to date i don’t need to just because he is. he said follow my gut and do what feels right.
ultimately he’s doing what he told me he would do from the beginning. it just took him a while to be ready to date he said. i asked if he thought talking to me was disrespectful to the new girl and he said no – that he would assume they are exclusively hooking up but that they do not talk or see each other all that often and have no title on it and she is definitely not his girlfriend. he told me if at a point he becomes more serious with her (or someone else) and is in a new relationship then he will tell me and then maybe it would be inappropriate to be in contact. as of now i don’t really have a plan regarding nc or not nc. i flat out asked him if it would make a difference in the ending of all of this and he said not in the slightest – that in his dream world he would still have me as a big part of his life while he sorts this all out but he knows its not fair to me. i asked if he doesnt reach out because he doesnt want to talk or because he doesnt want to confuse me. he said he doesnt want to confuse me and that he’s always genuinely happy to hear from me. i plan on trying to stick to nc now because i think it will be best for my healing. but if something comes up that i want to reach out about I’m glad we can talk. he told me to always reach out if i want to. he also thought discussing again in may his feelings is a good time frame. while he told me he has no idea how he’ll feel next month, in 6 months, or next year, etc. he feels like he’ll probably have a better handle on everything once he pursues these other relationships and dates multiple other people so he can compare. the conversation went well overall and he was very nice and mature and honest i thought and i tried to be honest as well. i told him I’m not waiting around for him and I’m dating as well but that i still feel a lot more hung up on it than he does and he said its just because its what he wanted – that whenever he is feeling sad or like he made a mistake he reminds himself his reasoning – that he couldn’t go through life wondering “what if” and that if he’s going to commit to me down the line he will need to KNOW. i don’t think this new girl is anything he seemed overly excited about. he told me he likes her – i asked if he was going towards love and he laughed and said not at all. in his words, “i need to make this time off count. if i were to just be single the entire time as i did in the first few months and fuck around then we wouldn’t get anywhere. i don’t care about one night stands but i need to actually date and get to know other girls for me to be able to confirm what i want in the future”. so i guess i need to be glad he’s doing this and have faith that hell be back if our relationship is really so strong. i will be open to going on dates but i also still don’t feel entirely ready yet and I’m really trying not to base my actions off of his. i think my plan is to still feel him out in about 3 months and see where his head is at. any contact between now and then will probably just be very casual about tv shows, etc. and very sporadic. i need to do my best to move on in the time being. thanks for being supportive!! its almost 330 here and all my friends are sleeping but i don’t want to sleep and just am looking to vent! so thanks for responding 🙂Hey atea,
Just caught up with what’s happening! Are you ok?
How are you feeling about this news?Sending lots of hugs, wine and chocolate!
@belle, i am not ok!!! i did not sleep a single minute last night and have been crying all day. worse than the initial break up. i feel absolutely devastated
Oh no!!!!!
I’m so sorry! Atea, this is a set back, a huge one!
For all it’s worth, I think to help you get through this maybe it’s time to shut him out your life for now?
It’s the only way I can deal with this, the more contact we have the harder it is on us!
You know he’s testing the water, you know this is not a meaningful relationship but to be frank non of that matters because the pain is too intense.
As I’ve said and as you know, I’ve shut my ex out the picture. The pain is too much and if I shut him out I don’t know anything. The famous saying “ignorance is bliss” means sooooooo much!Time for you to make some decisions in your life. You need to look after yourself and however you feel for your ex, you are allowing him to ruin your here and now!
Stop looking into the future atea and concentrate on today and tomorrow, this guy is walking all over you by dangling you by a thread! He doesn’t want you to go completely but what does he want…. His time for himself to think about things…. At what cost exactly? Your day to day living and now even sleep!
He’s got no idea what he’s doing.Big hugs atea!!!!
I’m so sorry that you’re going through this!
This has to be one of the hardest things, hearing that our exes like someone else. It would make my gut wrench.I completely agree with Belle..
Atea, this is not healthy for you. He is not healthy for you right now.
It is going to be hard as hell, it will take some time, but you will also find a strength in you that you didn’t know was there, and you will build a confidence unlike anything you have yet had – but you have to shut him out completely.If there is anything you want to say to him, do it now, say it all.. but then close this chapter, and put it behind you 100%
I repeat, it is NOT healthy for you to be waiting around for a guy that’s only thinking of you ‘some days’, and is fancying someone else right now. Grieve him like he’s gone forever, and get the help you need now. Yes, he has valid points, yes he’s been respectable, but he shouldn’t have led you on and he has. What he should have told you is that he wants a few years to himself, because that is what i’m sensing he really means.
I’m feeling defensive of you and I’m not happy about how he’s been stringing you on.
Sending lots of hugs!! Atea you’re awesome, you don’t need this!! Part of being responsible for ourselves is also to weed out things that hurt us and right now he is hurting you.
I decided to go back into NC until she is really really READY! to go back out with me. Which will probably take a looking time :, (
@atea1234 are you feeling any better?
I’ve been trying to fashion up a reply for you, but I’m at a loss for words. I just don’t know what I would do in your place. In a way, I agree that you should let him go and move on, because this limbo isn’t healthy for you and you have to put yourself first (like he has). But I also know that you can never TRULY move on until you find out what his “decision” is. So maybe just try to reach a level of indifference? Where you know you’ll be fine what ever he decides. Or grieve for him now, because if you hold on to even an inch of hope, you’ll go through the same pain every time his actions disappoint you (I’m sure they will at some point). Or start dating and put him completely out of your mind.
Also, your 3 am was my 10 am, so if you have another sleepless night, you know I’m technically here for you to vent!
@belle, @unimare, and @aphrodite,
I am truly so overwhelmed from all your kind words! It’s so crazy to me how you three have helped me more than my closest family and friends throughout this break up! I’ve had a terrible day but my two closest friends left work to shop and have lunch with me and im so thankful. I shouldn’t be so surprised about this as my ex told me this is exactly what he needed to do and he stuck to his word.
I need to let him go for now – even if I hold on to a glimmer of hope I need to live my life without him. He may be back or he may not but he will let me know and nothing I do as of now will impact his decision. He had mentioned checking in in May so if he follows through i will see what he says. For right now I need to be strict Nc and adhere to ignorance is bliss. I don’t want to know the details of his dating life and he’s made it clear he doesn’t want to know mine. Im sure I will know if he starts dating someone else seriously. He’s been very clear about what he needs to do and I need to take care of me. Im going to grieve him and really try to convince myself he won’t be back so that if he is it will be a pleasant surprise. In my situation I knew this break up would need to last more than 4 months and I inew it was to date others.
I still feel torn over whether or not im happy that he’s so willing to communicate and tells me he loves me and gives me hope or if I would rather him just tell me he doesn’t love me anymore. Regardless I think he truly doesn’t know and I don’t think he’s thinking or planning the way that I am. I need to let him go and be free and I need to free myself of this situation. If it’s meant to be then he will be back before I’ve moved on and if not then I will be on the lookout for someone who will never let me go. Part of me doubts that I would ever be able to reconcile after this as I feel like he can’t love me all that much to go through this but part of me can’t blame him because we did get together so young. My friends parents met in high school and split up for a full year in college and dated others before they really knew they wanted to be together. I appreciate him doing this now and not later. Im not sure how I will get through this but I need to muster the strength. My equilibrium is all thrown off today as im not eating or sleeping. I thank you all so much for taking the time to help me and im going to do my best to just let him go.I definitely agree that you need to remove yourself from this situation! You are going to be a lot stronger and more confident for it! We’ve got your back, and you can do this!
So I made a mistake. I checked what music he’s listening to again and it’s all happy party songs and tonight, sex songs. I feel sick. I really want to call him and find out if he has someone over (he won’t pick up if he does), but I can’t come up with a good excuse to call.
I really need to let it go but it’s sooo hard. I am literally moments away from calling him now and I’m loosing perspective and judgement…. Please tell me what I should do someone? I’ve finished NC for 30 days. Loosing it a bit here@mike2014, thank you so much. Seriously it’s so strange we’ve all connected on these forums but I teuthfully could not be getting through this without you. Do you have any insight on what this could mean for my ex and I going forward from a guys perspective? Have hou seen anyone since you and your ex split?
@aphrodite, don’t do it!!! Trust me it’s so much worse to know. I think belle is so right that ignorance is bliss. I’ve been consumed of thoughts of my ex sleeping with, cuddling with, and kissing another girl. Even worse I know who she is! Don’t torture yourself the way I have. I know its tempting but please learn from my mistake! If he is seeing someone it will only hurt you.I didn’t take your advice atea… and I made a big fool out of myself.
He answered, and I reacted by nervously throwing trivial questions at him one by one. He said it was unpleasant and it was like I was interrogating him, and he sorta made fun of me for it, but not in a nice way like he was up on his high horse looking down at pathetic little me. So he asked why I called, and I said that after talking to him I wasn’t in the mood to talk about it anyway. He tried to push me about my reason for calling, but I wouldn’t say but I told him I would probably talk to him about it at some other point, and then we said goodbye.
I really regret calling, but at the same time I’m happy he was alone. Ugh I must have sounded so pathetic, and it was clear by his voice and what he said that he was just thinking i’m nuts. I feel like it completely came across how nervous I am, and I’ve made such a fool of myself. So much for that respect I wanted, that just went out the window.
I haven’t dated anyone since the breakup. Iv hooked up with 4 girls since, well 5 if you count hand up the shirt Friday. I don’t count that tho. Of those 5, there is one I hang out with somewhat often. She is cool, but we both have said we don’t want to date the other. We don’t have those feelings. She actually asked me the other day if I could help give her advice on how to get her ex back after 3 years and she thinks he hates her. I said yea the guy who lost a 8 year relationship is who you come to for advice lol. She knows my situation as well. The other 4 try to contact me but I have cut them off. I didn’t want anything more than a night with them.
Personally, even at my worst I never wanted space from my ex to see other girls. I never had the urge to cheat on her. I met her when I was almost done with college so I experienced others before her and when I met her I knew she’s who I wanted. Your situation is unique. He feels he never knew anyone but you. I don’t think it’s fair to yourself to be a nun and wait now. He’s taking the chance to lose you. Go out without thinking about him
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