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Posts
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Right, where to start!
@Belle
Yep the unknown is always scary.
I don’t think it’s a bad thing wanting security:) I agree, I want ‘my rock’ too, but I was us to be each other’s rocks. Co-pilots.
Exactly, luckily we can both attract men – it’s just hard to be attracted to them in return.
Yeah I agree, with time they have to remember that special bond and miss it!! And it’s the same with my ex, the attraction, laughter and fun was always there through every year – just the negative stuff that overshadowed it. Lol… If our exes don’t come back we will just have to date those with weird traits yeah, haha.Congratulations on another day NC!
Oh and my feeling was wrong, no contact from him this weekend. In a way I feel better for it, I’m not expecting much now.You’re right, I am in slightly better spirits! Thank you for the pep talk!!
Oh, I just wonder whether I had begged and pleaded, if he had accepted me back. Don’t worry about your begging and pleading, because I think that actually when you do – and then stop – this is what makes them wonder “hey, where did she go? Is she not crazy about me anymore? Why not? What’s happened?” 🙂 Whereas for me there was no strong contrast when first going into NC.
Yes you seem like you are handling this very well, and you’re very far from being that needy person you were a few months ago!!
Like @Belle I also agree that you have the highest chance of reconciliation. In my opinion all that needs to happen for him to want you back, is for him to get scared you’re properly moving on.I really hope you’re right in that in time he will realise how hard it is to find a connection like that.
Yes a few years ago his ego was very bruised by me breaking up, but I don’t think it is this time. I don’t see how. To me it seems more like he’s ego tripping and I’m no longer good enough for him.Don’t worry – it’s not a bad thing that reality is sinking in with you if it helps you move on. I do believe he will start chasing you once you do!
It’s not a bad sign that your ex says he loves you but doesn’t want to commit. I think he’s saying the truth, the thing is, he’s so comfortable knowing where he has you so he isn’t afraid of going out exploring and not having you there waiting for him when he gets back.Hi @unimare
My ex broke up with me for pretty much rational reasons only as well. It’s frustrating. Well done on a week of NC! Yes my ex wants us to be friends too but hasn’t reached out either. I’m guessing he’s either afraid to or he doesn’t want to and just said it due to guilt. It’s likely the last one.
I agree, friendship won’t really work if there’s resentment on one side. He would pick up on it.
I’m not really staying friendly with my ex, we have hardly spoken since the break up apart from when I collected my things. I don’t think my ex wants to have anything to do with me at this point. But if I do talk to him later, I won’t bring up relationship talk. I haven’t seen anyone since the break up so I’m not sure what I would and wouldn’t say to him if I had.
Yes I still feel resentment. I feel everything possible for this man, but the anger is slowly fading and not as strong as it was in the beginning. So most likely you won’t feel resentful forever. You will likely feel better after some more NC, but it’s a roller coaster ride for sure!@maebe
Haha, it’s not easy to stop yourself from contacting him, but it does get easier and you’re just starting this. If you feel like contacting him, write on this forum instead, or have some other distracting thing that you will do instead. Gonna read that link you put up now, thanks for sharing:)
I’ll have a look at your older post
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Missing him lots, but I’m so aware of the improvements I want done in my life. I wouldn’t want him to see me like this. Gotta keep it up! I keep reminding myself that I would much rather have him see me when I’ve done my improvements than right now! Don’t worry people – it feels as if our worlds are ending, but really it isn’t at all! It’s just a situation that is out of our control. So let’s do our best to control the things we can, and keep our focus there! The rest, like @Belle said, is in the hands of the gods! Take the power that you keep giving your ex back, and place it on yourself. We can’t always control what happens in our lives but we can control how we deal with it.Wishing you all a good night
Thanks for the reply 🙂 And I hope it gets easier; I’ve been going crazy all day trying not to text! Gah, haha. But, like you feel, I’m very aware of how much I need to improve… when i’m honest with myself, I understand why he doesn’t want me like this. I wouldn’t want someone like me. I mean, i’m not completely awful, I’m a very honest and caring individual and I’m in great shape physically! But I lost myself; I’m depressed and I don’t work on my own hobbies… I haven’t been living life to the fullest. So you’re right, we need to work on ourselves before seeing our ex again. In the end, we’ll be happier with who we are, which in turn will make us more desirable. I just can’t help but wish my ex was holding my hand while I bettered myself, lol. It would be a lot easier with him by my side! BUT, maybe it has to be this way. Maybe I never would have self-improved if we continued to date. Perhaps I needed this push, I need to succeed alone before I can succeed with someone else…
I hope that article helped. It was short and sweet, but it made me feel better somehow.
Here’s an excerpt for everyone:
“After fully letting him go, finally accepting we were over, there he was. All the shit they said in the books was true. (Dammit.)
Because you know what really works, in breakups and with anything else you want desperately?
Giving up.
Surrendering.
Letting go.
Being at peace with the fact that the way you planned out your life flat-out failed.
And then, you know what happens?
That thing you desperately wanted comes and lands on your shoulder with total ease, like a happy little bird.”
I know this isn’t always the case, but I think it is a lot of the time. We really need to move on for ourselves, at least FAKE move-on, like the 5-step plan says to do. Our moving on, our new lives, our new found confidence will attract so much good…and probably our exes!
@aphrodite, congratulations on another successful day of nc!! I’m glad you didn’t beg or plead with him. if he would have taken you back, the relationship probably would have suffered again. i think sometimes after so many years, a clean break is very healthy to recreate the relationship! the love and connection you shared with your ex is still there and it won’t go away. hopefully this time off is a push for both of you to really improve yourselves and think about how you want to improve the relationship. if you reconnect in time, i think it will be much stronger because you will both be better versions of yourself and i think find a renewed sense of commitment towards each other if you don’t want to lose each other again.
as for your opinion on my ex, i think you’re right. thats why i think going nc is going to work wonders for me. i think just by doing that he is getting the message that i want to move on. initially i told him i never wanted him out of my life. although i don’t necessarily want to “move on”, i do want control over my own life back! he was completely in charge of my emotions. i wonder how many months of nc it will take him to initiate meeting up or talking about reconciling…there are moments i miss him terribly and others i almost feel badly for him. i think he is genuinely confused. anyway, its funny that we are providing support and strength to others on this forum!! i feel like I’ve been such a mess the last 3.5 months but i guess I’m not doing so badly!
hope you and @belle are resting easy tonight!Aphrodite and Atea1234
I’m going crazy this morning. Last night I started anaylizing how D behaved in our breakup year and years ago now and how he didn’t reach out. Ok, the relationship wasn’t as deep as with my ex nor as long. It was for the best he didn’t reach out. However, I text him last night whether at the time he was on a mission to leave me in the past or ever think about coming back. His response was neither. He said also that he didn’t think he actually ever dumped me, we just didn’t get on at the time. Hmmm, why was I so upset then?
So now I’m analysing my ex. I just feel he thinks the same as D did. I feel that after everything we’ve been through together he’s not reached out to me. I just don’t think he will ever. I think he’s going to be like D and just move on. I don’t think my ex will be back. He’s not asked if I’m ok or anything it’s like he’s vanished off the face of the earth! I think as time goes by he will just think of all the bad times and thinks it’s for he best that we aren’t together.
I just can’t even see that he will ever want to talk about it let alone meet up at any stage. Maybe this is the way he deals with things and just moves on.
His last long term relationship he had enough and moved on and I just think he will do the same to me. I know his last long term relationship he told me he wasn’t in love with her for many years before the split and I know the tour connection and compatibility was much more than what he ever had with her but still, I’m just thinking he will never be back. If I could just have one small sign from him to even say that he hopes I’m ok would be better than this total silence!
The last time he reached out to me was on 21st Nov. Since then he’s rejected me. I’m so sad 🙁@maebe
I responded to your post, and thank you for the article! For sure forgetting about them and developing ourselves is the best move.
I feel the same as you. I wouldn’t want myself either if I was a guy!! But with some improvement I would:) So that’s what I’m working on. We have to be happy with ourselves, or we will always be in an insecure position where we purposefully or unintentionally sabotage relationships. That’s what happened to me in part.
We have to face the fact that nobody can hold our hand through our own improvement work. Sure, people can guide us in the right directions and help us here and there – but nobody else can do the work apart from us.
I think many break ups happen because one relied too much on the other. For me, I know this is a personal revolution in that I have to stand on my own two feet in life and acknowledge that I am responsible for everything that happens in my life. No more blaming the past, blaming others, there is always a cause but at the end of the day we have to decide what we’re gonna do about it now – and THAT is our responsibility. We have to accept that the situation we’re in now, despite perhaps being created from an external source we couldn’t control, is our responsibility.
(@Belle got this insight from Actualized <3)So no doubt, we have to succeed alone before we can be in a healthy relationship. We have to KNOW that we can stand alone and create our own happiness when we need to.
@atea1234
Congrats on another day of NC success to you too!
Haha well we definitely did NOT have a clean break!! It was exceptionally messy. I really don’t know if he would ever want to be with me again, but I know I will get the chance to see him again and that helps. I think my ex considered breaking up for years actually, so therefore it’s less likely he will change his mind.Yes NC is the best you can do right now! My ex was and is still completely in charge of my emotions, and it’s an exhausting place to be! We all need to break free from that!
Haha yeah I feel like a mess so it’s funny to be giving advice!Sorry to hear you’re having a rough start!
D is only saying that because he wants you back in the current moment. He’s probably forgotten how he felt then, what he said then.This may sound strange, but this grief you’re going through right now may be what you need to feel better later on, even a few days from now. Maybe you should allow yourself to go through those emotions right now.
Yes it is of course possible that your ex is intent on just cutting you out of his life. However I strongly doubt that even if he manages, he won’t reach out to you at some point. Now we don’t know when that will be unfortunately – but when you have finished NC you can assess whether or not you want to reach out to him, and assess how you feel about everything.For now don’t loose track, you’re doing NC and you’re doing a bloody good job of it!! Remember that NC is not about getting them to contact us, it’s for us to heal, move on and improve.
I know you’re very sad right now and freaking out a bit about the fact that he hasn’t contacted you. It’s entirely natural for you to feel this way, bless you. I want to come over and make you a cup of tea!!
I’m thinking the same as you today. My ex has not initiated contact since November as well, and I’m wondering if he ever will. I feel like I’m wasting time being miserable. Whether he reaches out or doesn’t – I would still have spent all this time being an utter mess, I would still have wasted this time and I resent him for that, although I know I shouldn’t. I may seem alright some days but I really am still a big mess.
I understand how you’re pining for just a sign that he’s thinking about you at all. I want the same. Don’t worry, the feelings you’re experiencing now are fleeting. If you can, I really think you should do something for yourself today. Yoga, meditation, go get a massage, anything like that! I really feel for you as I’m in the same boat today. I was totally wrong about my feeling that he would get in touch. I want to, and wish I could just give up.
It is indeed emotionally draining. I know we all feel exactly the same and it’s so draining that you want to just say to the hell with it and feel better but the emotions are still there. Some days better than others. I think meeting and communicating with D hasn’t done me many favours. It’s highlighted how much I miss ex and how compatible we were.
I also think how am I going to feel any better in just a few more weeks? I know it’s a time for improvement but our emotions are still just as raw. atea1234 has proved this. The initial shock emotions has subsided but the love and emptiness is still there.My pattern is 2 weeks of NC and then I give up. I’m coming up to 2 weeks and I’m getting wobbly. I know if I contact him not only is NC ruined but also I know full well he will reject me again. I guess if I keep that in mind it will get me through this. I so want to do 30 days!
Atea1234
You’re coming across so strong! You’ve really conquered this! I admire you for what you’ve been through and how much you’ve grown. You really are an inspiration.
Aphrodite, we can do this!!
I’m going to buy some different wool today to do mY first crochet flower, it’s my form of meditation, it’s seriously amazing how I forget about everything when I do it!
As for the cup of tea I think something stronger would be order of the day! Lol.
Can you imagine us drunk putting the world to right! Haha but no doubt we would encourage each other to call our ex’s so best not! LolKeep strong!
Girls, I honestly think that one very big reason why our exes aren’t contacting us, is because if they were the ones to break up with us, they feel like it’s their duty to stay strong and not send out any mixed messages. And I guess a simple “how are you doing?” can even be construed as giving false hope…
At least that’s what my ex has said before. I read back on our messages from the time that we’ve been broken up (5 months), and we’ve basically chatted briefly every day or every other day with a maximum of a week of NC when I was taking a trip (which confirms to me that this intentional NC has to be longer) – and what I noticed was how right after our breakup I was showing classic sings of neediness, saying “are you sure about this”, “I miss you”, “let’s not do this”, etc. And every time I did, he would completely shut down and ignore me. But afterwards when I was trying to do the friendship thing, we were chatting like normal. Even with moments of flirtiness. But he’s always been SO adamant about not allowing me to be affectionate at all, because he feels that would be a step back.
Anyway, I’ve set a deadline for myself. Since we haven’t technically stopped being friends, I expect him to contact me at some point. Which is why it’s easy and important for me NOT to be the one to initiate contact. I need to see that there is a point where he does miss having me to talk to or where he’s at least curious about how I’m doing. So I need to wait that out. But also I have some good news arriving next week, I hope, and I have a makeover scheduled, so I might contact him after that to have coffee or something to catch up and show him I’m doing better and moving on. Hopefully I will have decided by then if I’m strong enough to continue being friends, or if I would rather we go our own separate ways. One week should be enough time to decide…. right?
Unimare
You’re absolutely right about the ex’s not backing down on their decision on breaking up with us. They are men after all and nothing will get them to change their minds. It has to be done in a different way and for them to make that decision of getting back with us.
So after 5 months are you still adamant to getting your ex back or have you let go a little already?
I can see myself after 5 months not feeling any different to now.Okay I’m having a bit of a moment.
My mind is trying to find every reason why writing him a long rant email about how much he’s hurt me is a good idea. I want to get it all out. It’s not fair that he thinks I’m okay, like I seemed on the phone last time. I’m not okay and he doesn’t deserve to get away with what he did by me seeming okay. I want to send him the longest rant and be done with him forever right now
Help….
And how is me depleting him of my attention any better if that’s what he wants anyway?
@Belle
I feel like my situation isn’t exactly the same as someone who has been pining after their ex for 5 months. That’s because when we broke up, I was emotionally in a place where a break was a good thing. I was depressed, I felt stuck in my life, nothing made me happy. So after the initial shock (I was still angry and confused, but we wrote a couple letters back and forth and I felt like I understood his motivation), I actually felt relieved to be single for a while. It was made easier by the fact that we stayed friends and hung out regularly, so it didn’t actually feel like we’d broken up, just that some of the pressure I had been feeling was lifted off my shoulders.It wasn’t until like December I think? I don’t know what changed, but suddenly it felt real, like he actually meant it.. it wasn’t just a break, he really left me. And that killed me. And that’s when the actual grieving process started for me and I found this site, etc etc.
Also I don’t think I’ve ever been adamant about getting him back, because I understand his motivation, we’ve always said this had to happen at some point, and I know he’s not someone that just decides something impulsively, so I really don’t believe that it is in my power to change his mind. It has been more about being able to deal with it, maybe leave a door open for the future, and not have his decision make me hate him and taint the memory of our happy relationship.
I just wish he would say he still loves me (he hasn’t said so since we broke up) and that he wants us to end up together one day (he has never said that)… even if it doesn’t happen, I just wish he would believe it even for a little bit. Because that’s how I feel and it just kills me and drains every happiness from my body to realize that maybe he never saw me as someone he’d want to end up with…. :'(
@Aphrodite
Write the letter. Just don’t send it.
Or write several drafts, usually the first one is overly emotional, keep skimming it over until it has only the very essentials that you feel he should read. And if you still think it’s a good idea.. wait a couple days, then re-read it, and send it.@Aphrodite
And actually I think it’s a very fair point. I don’t think it’s okay for the dumper to get away with hurting another person and not even realizing it. If I think about my ex, he has dumped two AMAZING girlfriends (the last one was stunning, accomplished, probably more stable than me.. at least she got her revenge by meeting the love of her life half a year later, they’re still together and she’s doing really well!) – without having to deal with the repercussions. He has NEVER had his heart broken, so he doesn’t know how it feels. I know when we were still together, he met up with his ex briefly for the first time since they broke up and he was actually really broken afterwards because she expressed for the first time how much he’d hurt her and he felt guilty. At least I feel like since we stayed friends, I’ve got to express some of the hurt.. You’re right, it’s not okay, and he should not get away with it without understanding that his actions hurt people!Still, don’t send the letter 😛 Wait for more sensible people to talk you out of it. But I for one think it would be perfectly fair to send him that final draft of your letter if you still think it’s a good idea after a couple days.
Aphrodite
I this morning so nearly called my ex! I was so close to it!,
I was desperate.I read a few posts on here and someone whose just been dumped and she’s beside herself at that needy place so I wrote a long response on how she go about starting all this. I basically convinced myself that contact is NO good!
How any contact will make us look like we are no near moving on from the old rubbish relationship.
That’s what we have to do…show them that actually yes we think the old relationship was crap but we really we are who they first fell in love with!
They need to see that we are rational and great interesting people.Don’t break all you’re hard work of NC….come on you’re doing fab and it won’t be long until we can all talk to our ex’s again!
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