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@mike2014 i know it helps to take time apart and think about it individually and what that means for our future. I know hes been going out with his friends and his mutual friend told me that he said he was bummed out on friday ( i think maybe thinking about it too much) the problem is that i have 0 idea of what he is thinking. I understand that yesterday he didnt say hi because he wouldnt know what to say. Apparently according to a mutual friend who was with him that he said he tried to wave at me but i wouldnt look at him. Of course i got furious that he didnt say hi and the mutual friend told him i was mad.
i have a strong negative feeling in my stomach that this is only going to end badly and not well. I have my doubts that our relationship will even be a thing after this time apart because he is SOOO conflicted about the doubts in his life. Despite this he continuously tells our friend that hes scared im moving on and it feels crappy for him because he doesnt want to picture me with anyone else. He wanted space apart to work on himself and figure out what he wants…hes an introvert and me pushing for an answer everyday got him overwhelmed and he didnt know where to even go from there.
I think all of us here to a degree have 0 idea of what they are thinking. All we can do is go by what they have told us. You are not totally broken up with him yet, so why didn’t he want to say hi? He doesn’t want to picture you with someone else, so that at least means he’s scared of losing you. Do you have idea of what your next plan of attack is?
I know I have been confused by exes certain responses and actions when I saw her. But ultimately the only thing that really matter is that we are broken up.
@dwarf, i dont blame you for being really mad. my ex and i are 100% broken up but if i saw him and he didn’t say hi, i would be livid so i can’t even imagine how pissed you must be. in my opinion, thats really disrespectful on his part. i understand youre taking time and space but if you happen to be at the same place to not acknowledge you and say hi at least i think is cruel. I’m very very big on gut feelings and if something in your stomach is telling you this will end badly, prepare yourself. don’t wait around. do you best to stay active and busy and try to start the moving on process as difficult as that may be. he can’t stay with you because he doesnt want to picture you with someone else. I’m sure my ex would not like to picture me with someone else either but thats no reason to stay with someone. he should only be staying with you at this point if youre who he wants a future with. its normal to not want to think of our exes with others. when my ex and i spoke a few weeks after the break up i asked him if he was ok about me dating other guys and he said i never ever want to think about it or hear about it or know about it but i can’t hold you back and need to do whats best for me.
i agree pushing for an answer everyday is not the way to go about this. i think it would overwhelm anyone! plus it will drive you nuts. the first two weeks after my ex and i broke up, i texted him all the time asked him questions, what he was thinking, etc. since he was so confused he would always give me very mixed answers. sometimes he would say he wanted to start seeing each other “slowly”, sometimes he would say he hoped taking a break would make us both more appreciative of the relationship, other times he would tell me he was happy being on his own, and then sometimes he would just say “move on”. i don’t think he was trying to drive me crazy but he was so confused in his own head and me fishing for answers didn’t help either of us. my advice for you is to give him all the time and space he needs to figure this out. but while he’s doing this, figure out what YOU want as well. after my break up my friend kept telling me that it shouldn’t be all about what he wants and it needs to be mutual. the same goes for your relationship. its not all on his time and its not all about what he wants. since 2 weeks is a short amount of time, hopefully he can give you some answers soon. if he still needs some more time then i think it would be best to take some real time apart to evaluate@mike2014, i think we both have zero idea what has been going through our exes heads too! its all so confusing. i try not to think about what he’s thinking and worry only about what I’m thinking. i think overall he probably has very mixed thoughts and is very confused and once he takes some time and has some clarity i hope he can give me something more definitive. if a few months from now he’s still happy being away from me i think that will definitely show me what he’s thinking that he doesnt plan on coming back and its up to fate. but if at a point he starts reaching out and we see each other and he’s interested in pursuing a relationship then i will go with that. its impossible to talk to our exes while they’re so wishy washy!
Yea Atea.
Once I started to stop think about what she might be doing I started to get better. It’s hard in the beginning to not drive yourself nuts tho. What killed me was she would be the one to reach out at around the same time every night the first month. She even apologized one night for not reaching out sooner. In my head I was like what eff is this…we aren’t together she doesn’t even need to reach out. She would always tell me everything she had been up to when we would see each other…even in December she did this after me not seeing her for over two months. I really thought I had a great chance of reconciling 3 weeks after when I really hit her with everything. I feel like she slowly wheemed herself off me lol.
It’s weird for me because it’s been sooo long now, but it just doesn’t seem like it’s been that long, I think that made sense. The thing that always kept me sane was I knew my ex was a classy girl and not someone who would just go to a bar and leave with a guy. She isn’t someone who will rush into a relationship based on how she was with me. It’s funny too, because we both used to always say that we don’t like other people and don’t put a lot of faith into others. She will now have to put faith into someone else. I know if and when she picks someone it will be a good person. I don’t know, I just want her to be happy and never get hurt moving forward. She deserves a great person and I know she won’t accept less than that. Also based on how we were, it will be a shock for me and her with someone else. Most people are very clingy,possessive,and jealous. That is a big turn off based how independant we were. Sometimes I think my previous relationship will ruin my next one ESP the first one. I’m was so used to having space and being independant while with her that I’m not sure I can accept anything other.
Your ex seems like he’s the same, a great person. I really hope everything works out for you in the end. The good thing is that you are getting better everyday and changing in a positive way. When you and your ex get back you will be like a whole new person and that will help your relationship with him. If it isn’t him, it will help you with someone new. You took this space to improve yourself. Congrats to you!
@mike2014, well your last relationship set the bar really high so you wont settle for anything less than great. i think keeping in contact so long after the break up maybe eased the transition for both of you. i actually admire your ex (and mine) for not getting back after a month or so when we tried because it clearly hadn’t been enough time and they both knew it. for you, you said your confidence grew so much through this and without having these 9 months off, you probably wouldn’t have changed a lot of the things you wanted to! it sounds like you would both be very cautious about entering a new relationship. thats why i always advocate for you to fight for this one until youre positive she doesnt want to reconcile. just me personally, but i would do everything i could before i walked away. you both seem to really value your relationship and had a really healthy routine and i think its worth putting yourself out there to save.
ive learned a lot from my past relationship as well. since we got together so young, a lot of our routines felt immature to me as compared with other couples our age. i know if we reconciled we would both be coming back to each other with new maturity and new commitment to the relationship. there are many things i would like to do differently if we have the chance. if not, when i feel ready i will start really dating again. i just like when things unfold naturally. with my ex it was really like a love at first sight type of thing. i feel like if we don’t reconcile my next relationship wont come after meeting a guy at a bar or going on a random date, but eventually i just hope to see someone who gives me that same gut feeling and butterflies but who knows if that will ever happen again?@mike2014 he told me ( before this time apart) that he thinks the only thing that even gives us a chance to fix the relationship is this time apart so he can figure his thoughts out. I totally agree as well…but for some reason i feel like it wont be good because he was pushing me away for 7 months…so the “normal” to him is how he was when he pushed me away…not the real us when we were on the same page. I asked him about this before we decided to go on the time apart and he said if he was only looking at the last 7 months then he would have decided to break up…but because things were amazing with us and he thought we were special he needs to reevaluate what he wants. Its just frustrating because we lived together so now i am at my parents ( he offered that i stay but i didnt want to stay in an apartment with all of our things there…thats jut torture). I dont know what my plan of attack is…what would you guys do?
@atea1234 i recognize that it is both our decision ( i 100% agree with this and promise you i am not naive to his selfishness with this) my thought process on this is…this is the only way i can walk away from this ( if it is bad) and say i did absolutely everything. Whats difficult with this ( and your guys situations as well) is that there wasnt a fight..or anything that lead up to this. I think i was livid with his reaction not to say hi but at the same time…knowing him and how scared he is of me confronting him or something ( hes REALLY not good with that stuff) i understand. I think if i was in that situation i wouldnt know what to say either and would just wave too until i had my stuff figured out. This is week 2 of us not talking and i have been focusing on myself a lot. I go out with my friends and try not to think about the fact that my whole life can change in a matter of a week ( we live together so it would involve me moving my stuff, finding a place etc). For some reason i think even if he decides not to be with me…i think he will realize in time ( whether i choose to wait or not is up to me).Atea,
i just like when things unfold naturally. with my ex it was really like a love at first sight type of thing. i feel like if we don’t reconcile my next relationship wont come after meeting a guy at a bar or going on a random date, but eventually i just hope to see someone who gives me that same gut feeling and butterflies but who knows if that will ever happen again?
I completely agree. It all seemed like destiny or fate to me and it did for you as well.
I wonder myself as well if i will ever have that feeling again just from seeing someone before I even talk to them.
Dwarf you question you asked I will put some thought into a respond back to you tomorrow!
I do have a question
I stated I was unhappy professionally before. In the few months prior to our break up she really started to apply pressure on me to dedicate more time to finding better work because I was really underpaid and unhappy. She never did this before but we would discuss it. She even said then I never put pressure on you but I feel now I have to.
Their was a job I almost got at the end of summer that would have been much better. She used to reach out always and ask how the process was going and if I found out if I got it. She even met me post break up to get my resume and cover letter for her to fix up and help me out before I sent it to this place. This was like 3 months post breakup. She made her corrections in red pen and scanned it over to me a day later. She’s so much more detail oriented than me. This place drug it on for quit a bit and I wound up getting screwed out of the job. When I told her she seemed genuinely depressed about it in oct. I didn’t tell her immediately when I didn’t get it. She also when we would talk would always bring up how the job hunt was going and if I had any interviews. Now, she texted me about seeing I got a new job on facebook and wanted to know all about it. I wonder if her reaching out was to find out if I’m finally in a postion to move forward in life with her? I wonder if she really felt She couldn’t be with me and move forward with me anymore as I was dragging my feet. We both were coming up on 30 and maybe she felt I never could take the relationship to the next step?
Or maybe she is just concerned with my well being even now and I’m over thinking this?
@mike2014 did she want to have kids etc or buy a house? or did you guys have any future plans?
She never pressed me or pressured throughout our 8 years until the end. She even said that too me the night she ended things. She does want marriage and a family and a house. She spends a lot of time with her girlfriends who are married and have kids. She wouldn’t admit it to my face but I think she felt that opportunity wasn’t there with me at the end. We both never really talked about because in our line of work at the time both were unhappy with what we made and how things were progressing. I don’t think that was the sole reason for the breakup, but I think it was a big reason regardless of what she said when I asked her a few months later. I even told her I wanted that with her, she said she didn’t know how I felt about it because we never talked about it. The night I asked her I still wasn’t in a position to give her that so it wouldn’t have changed her mind about reconciling.
Someone once told me when they asked her what happened…her response to them was….I felt our relationship met a stalemate and we were not progressing. She didn’t say this to me ever tho. I don’t think she wanted to hurt my feeling by saying that to me.
@mike2014 you should really give it one more shot, lay all your cards on the table. It would be sad to see this thing go to waste, you both seem to care so deeply for each other! I’m rooting for you.
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