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Okay thank you! I won’t break it. But I’m just worried thinking that another guy is helping her right now. She said she needs me right now and has no one….she needs someone right now….it’s been 2 hours since that message….and be she never messaged again…what if there’s another guy helping her out right now. It hurts that someone else is there for her….and I’m not :/ now she’s probably gonna hate me even more for no being there for her.
@mike2014, I fear the same thing. I don’t want to “settle” for anyone else. I feel like the relationship my ex and I had was really special and im nervous even if I do find someone else eventually that it won’t measure up. He told me he wanted to see if he could have this same connection with someone else so im guessing if he can’t find it elsewhere he will be back. It just depends on how long he wants to look around. I think its hard to find someone always and you’re probably right that as you get older it gets tougher. If your friends are telling you to get your ex back, listen to them! They all clearly believe in what you two had which I believe in also because of what you’ve written. You truly think she’s the one and no one compares to her. Don’t be run by fear – take the chance! As for your ex not seeing someone, I think it’s safe to assume she isn’t because she reached out to you the other day. If my ex gets serious with someone else I cant see him reaching out at all because it would only lead to more complication and confusion. So im pretty sure she isn’t seeing anyone. Sometimes I wonder if my ex got serious with anyone if he would tell me. I try not to think about who he is or isn’t talking to. I think he’ll only ever appreciate me and be back if he truly tries to get to know other girls so im assuming that’s what he’s doing and I don’t want to know or think about it. If he meets someone who makes him happier then that’s out of my control. If he doesn’t then it was all meaningless anyway
Atea,
Sometimes I wonder if my ex got serious with anyone if he would tell me.You saying this made me remember something. This is going to sound weird possibly. When I saw her in July and I asked her what really went wrong. She didn’t really say much other than not knowing how to pull me out of the hole I was in and needing space. But later on in the discussion she said if either one of us start seeing someone we should let the other person know. This is after she said you don’t have to wait for me. I said ok and then later I said well I have been on a few dates. I could see from her face she was kind of upset with that. She then said which didn’t make sense…well i thought we just agreed to let the other person know. I’m not sure the context exactly, but her response didn’t make sense because we both JUST agreed to that. Unless she meant since I agreed to that I was thinking that also and should have told her before that I went on a few dates. I don’t think at this time she was still sure of what she wanted and was so focused on getting herself better that she still didn’t process the breakup? What’s weird is even in October she used her famous line…it just doesn’t seem like it’s been this long. She has been somewhat of a different person during this time. She was never really emotional that much during our years, but since she has been really emotional everytime we saw each other. I don’t think now 6 months later either one of us would randomly text the other and be like well I’m seeing someone, right?? I guess if someone reached out now we tell the other person we were in a relationship and could no longer communicate I guess.
I do think he would would tell you. He might not tell you right away, but I think he would eventually. He didn’t really technically break up with you on bad terms and hasn’t completely shunned you from his life. He just asked for space. Knowing him obviously really well…do you think he is the type of person who is actively looking to meet someone for a relationship now, or just maybe looking to talk to girls and feel it all out?
I know my ex is a very very shy girl…not a flirt at all. She also is trying to get herself better and said last time I saw her she still has her bad days but is getting happier. She is not a girl who approaches men. It took me ages to get her to go out on a date with me originally. Even with her friends who knew me saying I was a nice guy and such. I gave up and she said to me finally, I’m free on Friday if you want to go out. i remember one night not too long ago in a moment of weakness I said to her by text. I just want to be happy again, and she responded back that’s what I want to. Not sure the context of that either other than getting herself back to being happy…don’t think she meant it about our relationship at all.
Does your ex seem like a person who feels very comfortable approaching girls and asking them out? Is he very social like that? Iv been going out a lot. I’m not a bad looking guy, picking up girls is not easy based on my shyness and stuff. I strike out a lot. My friend was like if you can get 1 out of 10 to really talk to you and be interested lol you had a good night.
I dont know if I can do this. My ex gf broke up with me a little over a month ago, we were together 4.5 years. She was my best friend. However, because of some circumstances, I told her that we couldnt be friends right now (that hurts so bad right now) I am on day 12 of no contact and almost a week of her not being my friend and living at someone else’s house (we share an apartment with 2 friends but have our own rooms). I am really struggling with the no contact. I miss my best friend and I want her back in my arms so bad.
Today, I saw her at the gym and she saw me. neither of us said anything then. As I was leaving the gym, I got a drink at the water fountain and she walked by and said hi. I didnt say anything back. I am having such a hard time with this. I have been focusing on myself and I have improved MANY aspects of my life already. I just need some encouragement or something.
Thanks
Why did you guys break up in the first place?
@mike2014, those are really interesting points you bring up. i don’t think he’s actively looking to meet someone for a real relationship right now but i do think he’s looking to talk to girls and feel it all out. he told me once probably about 6 weeks ago that the whole point of this time apart was not to be “pigeon holed” by our relationship and he just wanted to be open to whatever came his way. i downloaded some of the dating apps initially (i don’t use them anymore) but i was actively looking for dates at the beginning but i know he was not. he’s told me over and over that he’s open to anything – that he might never meet another girl he feels passionately about pursuing but if he meets someone who he’s interested in he owes it to himself to see if he can feel the way he felt about me with someone else. i mentioned yesterday that when we first broke up i was seeing a guy for about a month. when i was telling my ex about it he told me that he thinks we both should only truly commit to a relationship with someone else if its because we genuinely want to be with some exclusively, invest the time, and see the potential for a real relationship. i definitely don’t think he’s going on many dates all the time looking for someone to settle down with, although i do think he wants to try to see if he meets any girls who he can develop feelings for.
im not sure that he would text me out of the blue to tell me he was seeing someone. i also think he would wait a number of months to see if it were really serious or legitimate before he told me. at my age i feel like so many of my friends go on 5 or 6 dates and get all excited at the prospect of a relationship, but then it always fizzles out. i definitely don’t think he would tell me unless it was someone who he truly was developing a deep connection with and if i reached out to him and he no longer felt he could talk to me. when i saw him beginning of december, he kissed me so i knew he wasn’t seeing anyone seriously then. i also don’t think he would answer my texts and be friendly if he were seeing someone seriously. last week when i asked him he said “I’m not sure if ill just date casually for a while or if a serious relationship with someone else is in my future or not but i am leaving myself open to to whatever happens to come my way”. i also know he works a ton of hours and loves hanging with the guys so i can’t see him spending too much time with one girl unless he really gets strong feelings.
all of his friends are single and i went out with them a lot over the summer. they all approach girls, try to get their numbers, etc. but really only want to find girls to go home with at the end of the night. i kind of feel like my ex is probably in that stage now. he’s never had the freedom to do that. i wouldn’t say he has a lot of game or he’s a player but he’s very good looking and social and charming and i can absolutely see him approaching girls and getting some numbers. i don’t think he goes out every night on a mission to find a girl but i do believe he feels comfortable talking to girls.
i feel like I’m very outgoing and can be flirty when i go out as well. I’m definitely not the type to approach guys but he knows i love the attention sometimes and i do get approached pretty regularly when I’m out. as I’ve said I’m just not really interested in one night stands or anything but I’ve given out my number and gone on a few dates, just nothing has really developed. i tend to think its probably been the same for my ex.as for your ex, thats interesting that she would say she just wanted to be happy too. in your case, it truly sounds like she ended things because you were in a rut – she had her own depression to deal with and couldn’t handle the stresses of pulling you out of yours. from what you’ve said about her being shy and emotional, it really seems like you’ll have to make the move. she wont be coming back asking for another chance. its interesting she told you not to wait for her. my ex said the same to me. i think they probably both feel guilt over breaking up with us. i actually think when she said she wanted to be happy too she may have been implying something about the relationship. it sounds to me like she is scared to just take the plunge and say something to you about it. as for her getting jealous when you told her you had been on dates back in july, she probably wasn’t expecting it. i think my ex expected me to date quickly because i hate being alone. this rant made me think of something. my ex and i were in an “open relationship” for one semester during college. we had all kinds of restrictions on this but i did end up hooking up with one guy consistently for the few months. i had absolutely zero feelings but I’m just the type of person who likes security and appreciated having a go to person that i felt comfortable with. when my ex broke up with me he told me he’s never even hooked up with the same girl other than me more than twice. he said he needs to have experiences of hanging out and being with other girls consistently so he has something to compare. he brought up the guy i hooked up with during that semester and said even I’ve had other experiences. its funny because that was probably the most insignificant relationship in the world. i never think about think about him and i never saw him other than when we were drunk in college. it was so meaningless. maybe my ex needs something like that. when we first broke up he told me his friends had been encouraging to just get out there and hookup with random girls but it felt so superficial to him and he thought he would be more excited to do that but deep down he knew he didn’t really want that and just wanted some time to be alone and let whatever happens happen naturally. i have no idea really what he thinks or wants now. whenever i ask i feel worse. anyway back to your ex though, it sounds like she really did take the time to focus on herself and you also dug yourself out of your hole. maybe with both of you being happier with yourselves you can have a more successful relationship together. and maybe the reason youre both still feeling a bit unhappy is because you aren’t together. i think its important to realize you can be happy on your own but if you conclude that youre ok on your own but you were still a happier person when you were in the relationship, thats a time to think about getting back together and i think youre about there. my ex said the same thing to me. he needs to live life without me for a while to see if his life is happier with or without me in it because we had been together since we were so young that he couldn’t be sure if he was with me out of comfort or ease or because he genuinely had a better life with me.
Things were just not “great” recently, she lost the “spark” that we used to have. I think she might have felt I was holding her back from having fun? Im not sure really. I didnt show her how much she actually meant to me. We never said mean things about each other, in fact it was the opposite. I know she still cares about me but I dont just want her to care about me, I want her to be in love with me again and chasing after me.
We would go through stages where she would suggest taking a break and I would fight against it and things would get better for a while. I would change my lifestyle temporarily (it wasnt bad, just kinda lazy, but not the best I could be) but then it would go back to how it was before. She said she couldnt do it again. I have gotten rid of my facebook right now and there is probably another guy involved. I feel like she is out there just having the time of her life without me. She is the kind of person that is ALWAYS happy and joyful. I miss her so much. I just want to contact her and start doing fun things with her again and show her how much she means to me so I can win her back.
I managed to accidentally delete my file where I had been writing down everything I felt and thought about my ex for weeks! I was going to use it to create the email. It’s not retrievable. :/
@unimare CONGRATULATIONS on 30 days NC!!! Well done. I am very proud of you!!Tomorrow is mine. Though perhaps someone would say my texting back to him was breaking NC.
Thrilled to hear you’re as strong as an ox! 🙂
Yes I’ve got to let the penny drop, but that will only happen after I’ve sent my email and gotten a response back. He has indicated so many times that the break up was “because he couldn’t make me happy” and that this is what’s best for me. I really need to know if that is as much BS as I think it is, or if he genuinely let go of me because he was thinking of me. Even writing that it’s obvious to me this wasn’t about what would make me happy but I still want him to clarify it. I don’t think I would be able to put it all past me unless I feel live I’ve tried everything I could and more – like you.
He is a fool and no doubt will he come to regret this! I’m very happy that you value yourself enough to walk away from this Belle! And he will have a hard time finding another Ashley Judd with your personality out there!!
Yes, I think that if he changed his mind and we went into a relationship now or later, that absolutely everything would be different because I am completely different now. I will never let myself go like I did ever again. These were hard and tough lessons learnt the hard way, but perhaps that was what was needed in order for me to learn all this stuff. I still feel very attached to him and could quickly get codependent again though – but I’m hoping the book belle recommended will help with what I can do about it.
I definitely think he would change as a result of my changes. And if he screwed up again I would act entirely differently to what I have in the past.
So yes I think he could make me happy, yes I think he could hurt me – but I would respond much more productively to being hurt, and without a doubt it would be different this time around because of the new knowledge I have learnt since the break up.He did leave me, but I’m not sure I can blame him that much – I should have seen it coming. I’m most upset that he said he would probably never want to be with me again and how he reacted and behaved around the break up. But I now know that how I behaved contributed to all this, which is empowering.
My fear is that he has reached a level of not caring about me that’s irreversible. That the damage has been done and no matter how much I change he will always be put off by the idea of being in a relationship with me.In some ways I was the best version of myself with him, but in other ways I wasn’t although that was entirely my own fault. I sacrificed too much, and that’s on me. Sure I thought I would be getting the same sacrifices in return, but I’ve learnt that’s never an expectation you can have regardless of what’s been said. You have to follow your dreams independent of the one you’re with, or you will resent them for your own sacrifice.
Unlike your ex, mine did challenge me and matched me intellectually – which is what I loved about him more than anything.
From what you say it seems like you were the one keeping the relationship going, and once you stopped he didn’t put up a fight, so it fell apart. It’s an awful feeling to have, feeling like you aren’t worth a fight. I definitely had moments of that with my ex, but there are times where he as fought hard and been the one to keep us going as well.
To say you have no doubt that he wasn’t the one anymore (rationally) is huge!! And saying it’s more of a bruised ego and missing a boyfriend! You have really come far!! I’m very happy for you 🙂 Your emotions will linger on a bit I guess but I’m sure it’s not too long until they become busy with something (or someone) else:)
I’ve been forcing myself to get things done as well. Like you I’m not ‘happy’. I too feel empathy. I’m merely existing and trying to do what I can to prepare myself for better days! Like in the book Belle recommended, I’m in a “valley” and just doing what I can to prepare for a trip up to a “peak” (belle that book really hit home). I can’t see any peaks nearby, but I just have to trust that they’re there and I will climb them.
I agree, it’s nice to hear about other peoples problems as a break from our own! And I agree, writing on here and knowing our messages are being read and received is a lot more therapeutic than just writing to ourselves.
Today I created a document with everything I’ve learnt from the relationship. I found that quite empowering.I completely understand that you have this window and your friend did too, I think that’s quite normal. Typically they will reach out exactly when we’re over them.
Yes I know I will have to try more to be able to feel like I tried everything. Even though I have grieved him now, I don’t think I will fully be able to grieve him until I know I’ve tried everything and he’s still not interested. This is sort of why I regret not begging and pleading more earlier on – as I would have felt like I had tried more!
You guys – I’ve been all over the place in this forum!! Everything from I hate him, it’s over forever to I know he will be back, I can’t live without him to i’m okay today and I’m never going to be okay again!!! Lol. The roller coaster goes on. I’m such a mess but nobody would think it on the outside.
Missing my ex is beginning to reach critical levels, I’m feeling desperate, and part of me is beginning to plot just showing up on his doorstep because I craaaave him 🙁Is it taking me really long to move on? I feel like it is, and like everyone is handling this a lot better than me.
I was going great for a few days and now suddenly thump. The thoughts of her with another man (she told Me she was “sort” of seeing someone) have just overcome me.
Any tips on how to get those out of your head? I know that building connections over years mean something etc and Sex is just Sex but still. It’s so bloody hard@aphrodite, NO!!! it is not taking you a really long time to move on at all. you were with him for 10 years!!! your feelings are your feelings and you don’t need to defend them or explain them to anyone. so you didn’t have the most perfect relationship. who does? the important thing is that you learn from your mistakes to better prepare for your next relationship (with him or someone else)! he challenged you and matched you intellectually and thats wonderful. you clearly stayed with him for 10 years for a reason – there must have been many positives to your relationship. i think a real sign of maturity is recognizing that you want to do everything you can before giving up but you don’t need to do everything at once. this was something i really struggled with at the beginning. now, by going for a couple months of nc i feel like that is doing something in itself. I’m not doing it to punish my ex or to manipulate him. I’m doing it because I’m hoping it can help me maintain my equilibrium and give him the space that he’s asked for. i appreciate that he always responds to me but it is also a bit selfish on my part i think. he’s been honest and up front. he needs time off and he wants time to decide what he wants in the future. if i move on, thats a risk he will have to take. i have the choice in how i handle it but i need to respect his choice for right now. so in a way i think that is doing all i can. after 3-4 months i will discuss it with him again and see where he stands going forward. I’m hoping if i keep checking in every few months and he keeps saying he’s not ready, eventually i will just feel more prepared to put it all behind me.
i am also just passing the days waiting for happier times. one of my older family friends who spilt with her husband for about 6 months before they married told me sometimes in life you just need to have faith that things will work out the way they’re supposed to and wait out the hard times. I’m trying to wait out these hard times with as much maturity, class, and fake happiness as i can muster. i try to do small things to make myself happy and i try not to dwell but i also recognize that i have a long road to moving on. i do feel I’m worthy of a great love though and I’m young so i have confidence that in time if my ex doesnt return ill feel ready to get out there again. I’m not ready yet and i don’t want to put him behind me completely yet. ill do it on my own time when I’m ready. as you’ve said to me before, our gut feelings are there for a reason. maybe its helping me ease the pain for right now or maybe he really will come back in the next few month. either way I’m just trying to make myself a happy and good person.
i miss my ex a lot as well and crave his company sometimes, but showing up on their doorsteps is not an option! the roller coaster is normal. sometimes i feel better off without him since he chose to walk away, others i can’t even picture next week without having him in my life. its all normal and part of the process. thats why i think its important to take some time before we act. if 6 months from now youre less emotional overall and still feel like youre craving him then maybe thats a time to reach out and see how he’s feeling. as for sending him an email with your thoughts, i say go for it. i don’t think it helped or hurt my situation much but I’m glad he heard my side of things. in belles situation i think writing the letter and having him respond gave her the strength she needed to move on! maybe it will help you. it doesnt need to be the be all end all of contact, but if you think it will help you, i say go for it! i am NOT handling this a lot better than you – trust me! he is on my mind 24/7 and i randomly burst into tears and feel hopeless a lot of the time. but i am trying to be strong because i know for the sake of my future whether with him or someone else, we both need a long period of no contact. i think it will naturally help me move on and it will force him to truly evaluate whether he is ok with losing me or not. so when I’m feeling hopeless i always say to myself: “this IS temporary. you WILL feel happiness again. and you WILL get the chance to talk to ex and tell him how you feel so just relax and do something to cheer yourself up”. i think by getting used to not talking to him I’m preparing myself for the worst if need be. hey, I’ve already gotten through over 4 months without him and although i may not be happy, I’m a functioning person! if he doesnt come back I’m sure i will be in a whole different place in another 4 months. having patience and faith is really hard. I’ve found a lot of therapy in reading other peoples stories who have gone through heart break and came out on top – either with a greater love or with their ex. hang in there and stay strong!! i know exactly how you are feeling and its so hardWell, just do the no contact for 30 days or more if needed. There’s a chance of her to start missing you. Once after 30 days, when u feel that your ready, text her. But make sure it’s nothing boring. Make it interesting and exciting. Don’t be like “hey” “how are you”. That’s not not a good way to start. The best thing is to start with a good memory that you two had together. Here are some examples
“Saw a copy of Titanic on dvd and reminded me of you. I remember the smile on your face and how excited you were when we saw it in the theaters.”
”Hi, how are you doing? Sorry for bothering you, just wanted to ask if you happen to have the name of the electrician your aunt recommended? My lighting system is not working!”
”Hi, hope all is well… just wondering whether you remember the name the African restaurant we went for your cousin’s birthday? I want to take my sister there but I can’t recall the name.”
”Hi, just wanted to inform you that “Kung foo” fighters were coming to town next week, hope you were able to get the tickets!”
”Hi there, just noted that a new season of “Samantha soap” TV show commences tonight, Thought you would like to know because I remember you are a huge fun of that show!”
And don’t worry, I’m going threw the same thing. Day 4 of no contact. She called me alot…but now she just texts me.
@mike2014 i feel like my bf is the same with shyness wth girls…hes an introvert so he used to always struggle to talk to people…including me. Which makes me a little relieved on the front of him meeting someone else.
Regarding my situation its exactly how i said it is…2 weeks of us taking time apart. We are still together but we are taking time apart for him to figure himself out and whether he sees a future with me.
essentially he is confused because he has feelings for me, but then has doubts that make him question those feelings, but then has feelings that make him question those doubts…and this has been going in circles in his head.Ok I understand now dwarf.
You guys are taking alittle space apart to figure things out individually. That makes sense. Honestly that is what I needed at the end. I wasn’t right and its weird because even though I still wish we were together, honestly this space has helped me improve myself and get myself back to being confident and out of the hole I was in. It just stinks personally for me because we are broken up and reconciliation probably won’t happen. In your situation, him getting some space to work out his problems or dilemma can actually make him stronger and that in turn can make your relationship strong once again. I didn’t mean to make this post about me, but just relating my experience with not being right.
I think maybe giving him no contact for a bit, not long, will help him work through what he is going through and then when he feels strong again you guys can get back to happy relationship. I don’t mean NC in the sense of those who are broken up to bring them back, but NC so he can get himself well again. Does he want space apart to work on himself or does he want you around to try to help him get through it? I think what he feels is best for him will make him improve himself. You can’t love someone else, unless you love yourself first.
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