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Atea,
Have you ever listened to the song…take me to church by hozier.
It’s not my type of music really…but it has been stuck in my head all day.
He says I should have worshipped her sooner…if the heavens ever did speak she is the last true mouthpiece…every Sunday is getting more bleak, a fresh new poison each weak…we were born sick.
It’s crazy what he said and relate to it
Rican27
I think it’s auto spell check gone wrong and she’s meant to say “I do hope we get back together one day”
its so funny your ex would do that – I’m the complete opposite of her in that regard! i put my ex in his place when he wasn’t acting the way i wanted him to!! if he ever did that to me you can bet he would’ve gotten an earful and would’ve been sending me flowers for a week to make up for it. its funny his mom always said she loved me for him because i appear to be such a nice, sweet girl but i could be a real bitch sometimes and have a lot of edge and i was never scared to put him in his place. if he did something that upset me, he heard about it! his mom used to tell him i made him a better person. i really think i did. what you just said about your ex – mine said the same thing to me. the guy i mentioned earlier who i saw for a month shortly after the break up wanted to make it official. i remember calling my ex to tell him (secretly in hopes he would want to reconcile), but in retrospect making him jealous isn’t the way. he cried on the phone and said he didn’t want to get back together so soon just because another guy was interested in me because it would just lead to another break up. he told me he didn’t think i should date this guy as a rebound or to make him jealous which he thought i was trying to do since i blatantly called to tell him. but he did say, if you genuinely really like this guy and decide to go through with it, i hope he never hurts you and treats you and appreciates you the way you truly deserve because you deserve only the best and i have so much guilt over not treating you that way. ultimately i ended it with the other guy because i didn’t want to end up using him or hurting him and i just didn’t have strong feelings.
i believe what my ex has told me too. he’s been very honest and what you said is so spot on. he’s scared to settle down because he feels like he’ll resent me for not having freedom at this point in his life. i believe he feels terribly about hurting me – i think that has been the hardest part through all of this. he even reached out to my two best friends a couple weeks after we broke up to tell them to plan activities with me and keep me occupied and help take my mind off him because he knew how badly i was hurting but didn’t want to overstep and comfort me. and you are also so correct that he is taking space so he doesnt hurt me with what he is doing now. i think freedom for him is being able to have one night stands, get girls numbers, all these things he’s never had the chance to do before. I’m not sure if he’ll actually end up dating someone seriously or he’ll keep it casual or what but i think he wants this break to be as clean as possible. if we were in contact and he was dating other girls at the same time i don’t think i would be able to handle it. i think thats why he’s always very receptive when i reach out – he just doesnt want to confuse me and wants to give me my space to move on and be happy. my only fear is he is still only 23 and i can’t see him wanting to settle down really for a few more years, so will he wait that long before he wants to reconcile? i emotionally don’t think i can handle that. I’m hoping he’ll just want a few more months of this and then be afraid of losing me if he takes too long to go through with this. do you have any insights over how long you think realistically he might want this space for?
@atea1234
your situation sounds really similar to me…except my boyfriend is 27…so he should know that this is the point TO settle down. I just dont know what to do with it anymore because i am also at that point of losing hope. Its such a terrible predicament to be in…the one in which it isnt that either of you did anything to hurt the other or stopped loving each other…its that you arent on the same page anymore.in my situation we werent on the same page for 7 months…and then he started to lose his attachment to me and doubt and question. Now he is taking his 2 weeks to himself to figure out if he wants to be with me and if his feelings are strong enough to start the relationship again…or if hes just terrified of losing me and thats why he is feeling all these feelings.
its day 6 of us not talking and its torture..i know it gets easier over time and i will have my answer soon…i just honestly fear it is going to be bad… or worse…that it will be ” i dont know” still…which is even more agitating.@dwarf, forgive me for being such a downer because i do know firsthand how tough all of this is. I’m 4 months out and its gotten easier but its a terrible break up to be going through. but do you really think two weeks is enough time for him to make a decision? I’ve found putting a time constraint on this is impossible. its a huge decision. my ex told me he needs real significant time apart and to date others to know. as much as i hate that he’s doing this, i think thats the only way to go about those doubts. unless your ex is genuinely depressed or has something else going on. if he’s not sure youre the one he wants to spend his life with, i don’t see how he can make that decision in two weeks
I dont know if he will figure it out by 2 weeks a part of me is like “oh god i hope so” and the other part of me is like…ya that doesnt seem like a plausible thing…hes def going to take longer than that…but even then i dont know if i should wait longer than that because what am i waiting for exactly? like i am in love with him and all of who he is…like even when i see other men i think “oh..but they arent him” and i remember the cute things we would do together etc ( i am hoping he is remembering these things right now too….in our time apart and its making it a decision to be with me). I just dont understand what else there is with this. Like i understand getting scared…and it IS scary to think about…but if i am so perfect to you and you admit i am and recognize that i am an amazing person…then what else is there? Like he said (before NC) that he goes through 3 thought processes:
a. we break up and things are ok..she finds someone, i find someone
b. we break up and she moves on but i realize she was the one for me and spend the rest of my time chasing after her trying to get her back
c. we try to make this work and become stronger than ever.So you’re right…i dont know how he can make his decision either in 2 weeks…but i dont know what else to do? Like i have offered a trillion times that we should break up then but he wont do it because he wants a for sure guarantee in his life that this is the decision he wants to make and needs to make..
@dwarf, I don’t know your ex but it sounds like he is being very selfish here. It is not HIS decision – but a mutual decision for both of you. If he needs time to figure himself out and you CHOOSE to and WANT to wait then you have every right to do so. But you have no obligation while he does this. My ex broke up with me telling me he knows he very well might regret this one day but in life we need to take risks and he was sure if it’s meant to be we will come back stronger from this and that he knew he would always regret not taking this time for himself so it was he needed to do. He told me he would never put me through calling it a “break” or trying to be friends through this that I should consider it a break up so that I could go on and live my life. Since he’s done this 4 months ago, Ive found that if I want to sit around and wait, that’s my choice. Or I can choose to be resentful and try to move on. I would say right now I’m kind of neutral. I could be doing more to move on, definitely but I haven’t wanted to right now. Maybe a few months from now, I’ll feel differently. I have no idea how long he needs. But I also haven’t been sitting around and “waiting” either. I go on dates, go out with friends, do whatever I need to to make myself happy. Im hoping in time we’ll both know the right thing to do. You just need to care of yourself and do what makes you happy. It’s not all his choice! If you want to wait, you have every right to wait if you want to but you don’t need to do it on his terms
@atea1234
I understand that he is being selfish and he also recognizes that ( we arent broken up yet so he isnt my ex) but he claims it is the only way he will know for sure what his decision should be. That we arent on a break at all..we are taking space apart so he can figure it out. So we are both still faithful. I have been trying to focus on myself…i went out yesterday to go dancing with my friends and it was okay..i had fun but i kept thinking man these guys..they arent him. I just miss how we were around each other and the way we were so natural around each other and the best. We literally had the most amazing relationship until he brought up the marriage stuff and i brought up my 5 year plan and he got scared by it. So i dont even know what to do …because i said ok i recognize i pushed that on you and maybe you werent ready and thats ok..but he pushed me away 7 months ago and started to resent me for it.Atea,
I wish I could give you an answer on the timeline of reconciliation for you two. It’s really hard to say. I think all that matter is when you decide enough is enough and confront him. At some point you have to find out if he really wants to come back or not. I think your time frame of right before summer is long enough. Then if he says no it comes down to fate after that. I’m sorry I can’t help you more.
I am a very stubborn person and in the beginning had a temper. I remember once after like a year of dating I bought a frosty for her and it was the wrong one and she complained so I said well now no one is eating it and spiked it on the ground. That was probably the worst thing I did in 8 years. It was weird because she laughed historical at it. I apologized immediately tho. It’s funny because that’s what made me a very good basketball player my temper. I realized right away with her the temper had to go and I went from having a temper to never once raising my voice. We didn’t have yelling matches or ever said things we didn’t mean. I honestly can’t remember the last time we yelled or raised or voices. I called things debates and she would say arguments, but honeslty Iv seen people argue and these were not them. She would only really get mad at me cause I would forget a lot of things and would ask her to remind me.
We both were not clingy people at all. We could go a week without seeing each other even 4 or 5 Years in and neither would complain. She went away for a whole summer for a internship after graduating and at first I was upset, but said after a few minutes to ahead this is great for you. I went to visit her for a week and had a blast seeing a new place with her. We both never said no to someone doing something. If she wanted to go out to see a movie with a friend and we were supposed to hang out that night…I would say go ahead and do that and have fun. If I wanted to go out every Saturday with friends she would say go ahead and do that and have fun…text me when you get home so I know your safe. She would brings things up to help me, but was never a demanding person. That’s just how we were, we needed to live our own lives while we were together. It’s different than how most people handle relationships. When I stopped going out, that’s when she knew there was a problem with me lol.
Not to be rude, but I don’t think any guy wants to hear a 5 year plan. That just seems like a lot of unnecessary pressure in a relationship. If my ex did that I would have ran away lol.
Then again, I am starting to find out my relationship was unlike any other and weird.
Atea,
I was just thinking, I don’t think you would like me too much lol. I have a really easy time getting under people’s skin and my ex knew that. If she would try to yell at me or put me in my place it wouldn’t go as expected. I think she used to try kind of and I would literally just kind of laugh and be like why are you yelling at me…I’m not a kid and if you want to have a conversation I am down but yelling is funny. She knew how to get through to me. Yelling backfires with me.
I’ll try to explain more. I can be a dick, but in small ways. Small comments and being irritating. That’s what got under her skin the most. Iv been yelled at by coaches since I was like 10-22. I became kind of oblivious to it I guess.if you yell at me it’s going to go two ways..either I get mad back if it’s serious or I literally laugh it off out loud. I never wanted to get angry with her so I would laugh. My nxt comment would be well I’m a grown ass man so not sure why you are yelling. We can talk about this like adults or I can sit here and laugh all night about this. She knew right away yelling would get her nowhere with me. I’m a very different person than anyone I ever met. I’m very rational and would admit to mkstakes when I was wrong tho. When we discussed things I would think and then respond and not act on first instinct. She would always say to me think before you say something stupid back to me lol. I took her advice and would but mostly what I said would make sense and she would say…you should have been that lawyer because I can never debate.back with you I’m also maybe the most sarcastic person ever so I got that going for me, not really.
@mike2014 i totally understand that but i wasnt like “this is how we NEED to do it” i thought it was a mature conversation like…this is where i see our future going what do you think? But i understand that he wasnt ready for that…but when we live together for 2 years and are in our middle of 20s and you have ideas on school etc then i think its important to discuss things.
@mike2014, it sounds like you actually had a really healthy relationship. my ex and i did as well. we both had our own groups of friends entirely. i always encouraged him to spend time with his friends and he always wanted me to as well. now being on the break up end of things, I’m happy we did that because I’ve had such amazing friends help me through this and I’m happy i didn’t give them up just to be in my relationship. i think its great to give each other space. my ex and i wouldn’t fight often and he NEVER lost his temper or got upset with me. i would sometimes get angry at him over stupid stuff and usually he would let me tell him why i was mad (calmly, i don’t yell) and then he would either laugh and tell me he loved me if it was a silly reason or if it were more serious he would usually apologize and follow up with what we can do better next time. i think we had very good communication.
i also agree waiting till before summer is a good timeline. i know you can’t give me answers and no one can. i just feel like then it will have been 8 months and if he’s not planning on coming back or is genuinely moving on then ill need to know and as you said leave it up to fate. that might push me more to date or actively try to move on from him, but i do think ill need to check in around then because it feels so open ended now. its only been 4 months so ill definitely wait another 3 or 4 before asking and just seeing how he feels and if he’s moved on and what he’s thinking going forward.
it sounds like you and your ex had such a loving relationship and you sound very ready to start reconciling. i hope when you bring it up she’s on the same page too. I’m glad i found you to discuss this with! although out situations are different i definitely see some similarities between the two
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