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Mike, that would be exactly how my ex would talk to me lately! It shocked me how blunt your text is! It comes across as you’re in much pain still and you want to inflict pain on her for walking away!
Your text has made me even more to want to never contact my ex again!
Atea,
In my experience of being in this situation is that the missing him feeling will never go away 100%. Until your emotions are with someone else there will always be that void. It. If hot not be very big but we as humans are supposed to be with a partner and therefore now you know what it’s like to have a partner there will always be a gap. Unless your work or other situations keep you so busy you don’t think about it but ultimately we will all get lonely until we find someone.
You’re so used to him being around it’s very hard to adjust to being single! Really hard! Our heart aches. Time does heal but considering we were all with our ex’s such a long time it’s not something we can just be fixed in a month or two. It takes at least a year, or longer. Again as I said before, it is a mind over matter thing.
Because I’ve been here before and I allowed myself to stay in a bereft state, in which now I realise that you need to actually make an effort to move on. Before I just waited, obsessed, thought about him eating for him to disappear out my head. It doesn’t work like that. You need to actually find a way to move on. However you do it to suit you it’s a way of moving on.I loved my ex very much and we were soul mates, without a doubt, but for some reason I wouldnt marry him, he passed the comment a few times but because of my past I didn’t see the need. He knew that so didn’t push it. Something was stopping me from taking that step. I don’t know.
Was it because deep down I thought maybe he’s not the one, becaue of his issues etc. I’m thinking more deeper into the bad side of the relationship over these last few days, how he used to sometimes be not nice,mor forgetful over things that were important to me, how he passed blame etc. I’m focusing on his bad traits as when we are missing them we look at them with rose tinted spectacles.I will do anything not to feel the way I have over the last few months, he’s tortured me. I know it’s different for you atea but moving on from him is not going to stop him from coming back but it will give you your life back.
I do not know if the gut feeling we all have is for real or some kind of mechanism that comes with grief. I don’t know. As I said I’ve done my grief, my ex isn’t nice as I now see, so now I do not need to spend time wishing he was back. Life is too short. In time he will get in touch then it will be up to me how I deal with it.
Atea, you need to start focusing on the here and now, he’s not here now so you need to enjoy this moment in life, you need to take care of yourself and become happy for the moment, the here and now.
@mike2014, good for you actually. i think its really unfair of her actually, 10 months later to think she can still text you like that. when you reached out and tried to talk about the future in october during the 6 month mark i think that was a very appropriate time frame. if she genuinely has no interest in rekindling in the future she should really respect your space to move on. I’m actually impressed you were strong enough to send that text – I’m not sure ill ever be at that point! did she respond to you? I’m sure at this point if you don’t see a reconciliation in your future you just want to get over it so i see why her texting you makes you uncomfortable. sounds to me like youre getting very close to do or die and i don’t blame you. she was probably so caught off guard by that. i wonder if she fears you moving on now. did she say anything?
@belle, thats interesting about not wanting to marry your ex. do you think it was because you had a son and didn’t feel a need or do you think it was something deeper? there are some aspects I’m starting to appreciate about being single and on my own schedule completely, but i miss my ex as a person. i miss having him specifically in my life. for right now I’m just trying not to focus on it. in a few months if i start feeling more lonely and ready to pursue another relationship maybe they will give me the final push i need, but I’m not there yet. but youre right, regardless of whether or not he comes back, i can’t live my life in standstill and need to focus on the now and try to make myself happy. if he does come back then ill see how i feel then. but i will not wait around years of my life for him. plus if he really wants that long away from me then i don’t want to be with him anyway. if he can stand being out of my life for more than a few months while he figures things out, that is not a good sign going forward. i don’t plan to ever be 100% over him, i guess i will just get used to not having him around. I’m just over 4 months now so hopefully the worst of it is behind me. i do feel better day to day. I’m glad you’ve decided to move on and seem ok with how everything has played out. for me, i really wonder how long my ex will allow nc to go on without reaching out but i will not break it first – no matter what!I don’t think she will respond to that and if she does it will be in a day or two. She has never really been a strong person and doesn’t do well with confrontation. She probably got it and cried. That’s my best guess after knowing her for all this time. We both liked to avoid rather than discuss most of the time.
@mike2014, from what you’ve said about her in here it definitely sounds like she is crying from that text message. i would be if my ex said that. but she ended things with you so you have every right to feel that way. are you feeling totally ready to put it behind you now or do you think you’ll reach out to her again?
Morning all,
Atea, I don’t know why I couldn’t commit and get married, scared I guess. Glad i didn’t after-all, who wants to get married to someone who can’t take responsibility of their own decisions!
Still can’t believe how he’s acted. Still I’ve closed the door on him so he can’t hurt me anymore. It’s been bolted, dead locked and boarded up with wood! Lol
He is sooo cold!! Texting back and forth regarding mail stuff. When I asked how he was he just talked about the weather. This is just killing me.
@Aphrodite, it should be easier this way, if his responses are cold. You really don’t want any mixed signals at this point. Did you break NC before the big finish? Although I can see they were for practical reasons. How are you feeling? What’s your plan after this?
My day 30 is on Tuesday. Today I packed up all the stuff that reminded me of him. It felt really therapeutic. I’ve also written him a short e-mail to send on the day after his birthday (so as not to ruin his actual birthday) which is quite cold and just explains (if by then he hasn’t contacted me) why I chose not to contact him anymore and that I’m done basically. I feel good about it and I hope I get a chance to send it. After that I have nothing left to say to him.
Also, girls, and boy :P, are you worried at all about the upcoming Valentine’s Day? For me it’ll be the first single Valentines Day in four years, and actually I’m really happy about it, so I thought I’d spread the optimism. I used to always have this tradition of doing something nice for myself on Valentine’s day – go to the movies to watch whatever I like, or treat myself to a spa day or some form of pampering, so I’m excited about getting to do that again. I suggest you do the same! 🙂
Stay strong, folks!
@belle, i am seriously so impressed with your turn around over the last few days. i seriously wish i could feel that way about my ex. i just want to feel moved on and close the door behind me but for some reason i just can’t get there yet. its so frustrating!! maybe you knew deep down in your gut there was a reason not to marry him. so everything does happen for a reason after all!
@aphrodite, I’m sorry he’s being cold 🙁 the first few times i texted my ex after the break up he was sooo cold to me too and it really stung. but i agree, it is better than getting dealt mixed signals. i know how much you must be hurting though 🙁 it is really a terrible feeling. i felt sick to my stomach through all those conversations with my ex. thinking of you and sending lots of hugs your way!!
@unimare, congrats on almost reaching day 30! huge accomplishment! i think the short email will be very therapeutic for you to send and packing everything up as well. when my ex and i first broke up i packed up everything he’s bought me or things that reminded me of him (jewelry, teddy bears, etc.) in a big box and put them in the back of my closet. i gave him back all the clothes i had that were his – and there were a lot after 7 years! i gave back sweatshirts, boxers, shirts, etc. i also gave him back a shoebox filled with love letters he had written me over the years (the most recent one being two weeks before the breakup!!). i told him i couldn’t bring myself to throw them away but didn’t trust myself to hang on to them right now because i read them over and over when i was feeling emotional. he agreed to hold on to them for me and not throw them away. in the future if we do reconcile, ill definitely want them back or if i can get to a place of truly moving on and being happy without him then i think i will want them back as well and hopefully they can just be reminders of happy memories. there is a bracelet he gave me for our 1 year anniversary – so six and a half years ago now! and i haven’t taken it off since the night he gave it to me. all my friends keep telling me to take it off, but i wont. i haven’t not worn it once – even throughout our “breaks” in the past. I’m not sure why i can’t take it off as i don’t wear anything else he’s given me anymore. but for some reason, this bracelet is very sentimental for me. i wont take it off unless i start seeing someone else seriously or he does and i know for a fact he wont be back.
as for valentines day, I’m not overly emotional about this holiday. my ex and i were in an ldr for the past 5 years and so we rarely spent valentines day together. he did visit me last year and it was a great weekend but I’m used to spending it with my girlfriends. he always sent flowers and everything, but its not something I’m feeling nervous or anxious about. i was more sad about new years eve because that was the holiday we always spent together. i have plans for dinner and a movie with my girlfriends who have promised to take my phone away for me after too much wine so i don’t text ex! everyday still feels a bit like a struggle to me and I’m sure i will be sad, but not more so than any other day. i do miss my ex very very much and this period of nc I’m in is indefinite which makes me anxious. I’m nowhere near ready to send a short goodbye letter yet so theres no way for me to really feel closure as of right now. I’m glad youre in better spirits though and come tuesday i think you’ll feel great for sending that email! and I’m happy to hear youre optimistic about valentines day as well!Aphrodite, keep strong, you will get through this nightmare. Im just focusing on the bad points and how I was way too good for him.
St valentines day is an over commercialised day to extract money from you. Roses go up ten fold, restaurants look cheesy filled with couples and in all it’s not what it used to be.
It’s supposed to be a day where you send your secret admirer a card. Bar humbug!!@belle, that made me laugh! i completely agree!
Thank you guys for the support these past couple of days!!
When he text me I was actually busy fretting over why another guy hadn’t responded – so it was good timing in that I wasn’t 100% focused on my ex (the other guy still hasn’t responded since I told him I live with my parents right now lol…). My ex asked me how I’m doing in the text and I’m happy about that! However the texting back and forth today was just so cold (I waited with responding until today). I started goofing around a bit and responding in different languages, so it ended with a laugh. Thank god. It felt so grim so I really needed to lighten things up.
I’m not particularly happy that he did break NC first because I don’t feel that it means anything at all from his side, however I’m happy we got to have a little laugh if nothing else.
Thank you both of you for sending me the hugs, blankets, wine and the ripped hunky man (Belle) lol! Unfortunately the ripped hunky man isn’t responding, but screw him if he can’t accept that I’m temporarily staying with parents!
@unimare
Congrats on nearing day 30!!!
I don’t really know, I think at this point I’m appreciating a bit of non-coldness and I would rather things were light hearted even though he doesn’t want to be with me. I’m happy I managed to squeeze some lightheartedness out of him. @atea1234 you said the same thing, that it’s good he isn’t sending mixed messages. I think I may have reached a point where I don’t care anymore – I just can’t handle things being this grim, cold and dull between us when we are in contact. I have no idea how I will feel in a few days though or even tomorrow..
@unimare I don’t really consider this breaking NC as all I did was respond and keep it to the point – though I mixed it up by using different languages and he gave me a funny response to that. I think he would have found my behaviour strange if I had waited till Tuesday to respond to this practical matter, and it would have come off like I’m trying to act hard to get.I’m feeling okay. I actually feel more upset that this other guy isn’t answering right now! Which is a bit weird. I don’t plan on reaching out to my ex for some time. If I do it will be to write him that email where I put it all on the table, so nothing feels left unsaid. That gut feeling is still there though, preventing me from fully acknowledging that things are final.
Packing up his stuff does sound therapeutic, and I think sending that email will be a good idea so you get everything off your chest.
Oh and I’m not really thinking much about Valentine’s Day, I think it will be a pretty normal day for me. Happy to hear you are excited about it and will be doing things to pamper yourself! We all need that!
@Belle thank you! I am feeling okay now, all it took was a little laugh – a touch of humour was sooo needed between us!
Belle you’re handling this well, I’m proud of you and I agree with everything you say. You deserve a lot more than this, there is no reason to attempt to cling on to someone who treats you this way!! You’ve said and done everything you could, now it’ll be on him.@aphrodite, i completely agree with you wanting to keep things light! i always feel soo much better after my ex and i discuss something thats cold or uncomfortable when i add some humor and he always responds positively to that. i also feel better going into the next nc period knowing we’ve left on good, upbeat terms. i think its always important we appear upbeat to our exes even if its far from the truth. when i first broke nc after my initial 30 days i told him all these thoughts i was having about the relationship but didn’t want to end on that note so i told him how i had recently had a piece of meat! so funny I’ve been a vegetarian for about 5 years and thats one of the things since the breakup I’ve changed about myself. I’ve always been a bit underweight and lost so much initially from not being able to eat after the break up so i slowly started incorporating meat back into my diet. when i told my ex he said he was actually so disappointed he wasn’t there to witness this moment in my life as he’s tried to convince me for years to eat meat! just a silly example but i was happy to keep things light as well and end on good terms, so i hear where youre coming from. we didn’t end on light terms last week but i don’t intend to reach out or change that now. its actually made it easier i think to not reach out again. plus we had already had contact discussing tv shows and what not and how much fake contact like that can you really have? i think everything thats happened recently is actually for the best.
im glad to hear you are more upset about the other guy not answering you! if been seeing/talking to this guy recently. on paper, he’s so much better than my ex – cuter, great job, treats me well, etc. and he seems to be really interested. I’ve been very up front with my situation and how i don’t want anything serious and want to take things slow and he seems to totally understand since he just got out of a relationship in august. he is 5 years older than me though so i fear he is looking for something a bit more serious but time will tell. who knows?! maybe ill fall for this guy and my ex will come back and ill already be snatched up! but right now i still unfortunately only really have eyes for my ex. also i know others may advise against this but i think when youre ready i really would want to send the email and lay everything on the table. i think theres something to be said about it being easier to walk away when you truly feel you’ve done everything you possibly could to make things work. I’m not there yet as i think one more long nc period – around 3 or 4 months will give my ex a nudge to make a decision. if we talk at the end of this long period and he is still clueless then i think i will feel more ready to walk away, knowing i truly tried everything and let him know exactly how i was feeling. i think when youre ready it will feel therapeutic to do to your ex as well. i think @belle, is probably feeling this way right now as she genuinely did everything she could to save the relationship as well. i know how annoying this nagging gut feeling is – its like I’m getting through the days because i somehow know in my heart that he’ll be back eventually so this is all just temporary. but this might be 100& false which is scary. I’m hoping it will jus either be correct and my ex will be back in a few months or the longer I’m in nc, the more the feeling will just keep fading. I’m glad to hear youre doing ok though. hang in there!! there will be plenty of cute hunky men going your way soon!
Atea,
If I give the ultimatum situation it will be face to face. I like to look someone in the eyes when I ask them something like this. I also want to gauge her emotions and say goodbye in person if that is what happens.It will most likely be in February. I am feeling like I’m at that point now where it needs to happen and happen soon.
Hope you all have a great weekend!
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