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Posts
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@mabe, I’m sorry to be harsh, but this guy does not respect you AT ALL. 14 years of being friends with benefits and only 1 year of dating?! he’s treated you with such a lack of disrespect because you’ve allowed him!!! and then dumping you and booty calling you after?! I’m sorry to be harsh but i am appalled! DO NOT SETTLE FOR FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS!!!! YOU ARE IN LOVE WITH HIM! you should tell him “no sorry. we broke up and so you don’t have those privileges anyone”. end of story. if you ever want him to respect you you must never let him sleep with you unless youre in a committed relationship with him. he is totally trying to have his cake and eat it too. if you do want him to respect you and come back to you then you have to respect yourself and don’t let him have it too easily. and if you genuinely do believe its over and need to move on then sleeping with him will never allow you to move on. i know its tempting but be strong. you don’t deserve that. he’s doing this because he knows he can and i really resent that. he’s taking advantage of your broken heart! as for the mutual friends, thats tough. my ex and i had separate groups with some overlaps and I’ve really distanced myself from all the overlaps. i would never be able to handle seeing him with another girl or seeing him in a crowd in general right now but i also have many other friends who are not overlaps, so i just spend time with them. as for dating, don’t force yourself. you’ll do it when its ready. also i think youre putting a put too much emphasis on the chemistry part. yes thats important in a relationship but theres soo many other important factors too. plus when you love someone usually there will be chemistry as a result – even if it takes a while develop. you should go on casual dates (when you feel ready) just to get to know other guys and theres no need to get naked! respect yourself. all my friends have one night stands and go on dates and hookup with guys that night and they all wonder why they don’t have boyfriends. then they all ask me why my first dates always ask me out again and its because i never hookup on the first date and i don’t do one night stands. i would never just leave a bar with a guy. I’m very old fashioned in that way but i believe if you truly want someone to respect you (especially a guy) you need to not give it up so easily. don’t do it for your ex either! i see how tempting it is. i think i would fall off my chair if my ex texted me that, but he knows way better because i would run over to his apartment and slap him across the face! stay strong, you seriously deserve so much better. i think you may be surprised if you let go and stop chasing he will suddenly wonder why and maybe he will come after you! if not youre on the way to healing. don’t give in!! sorry i feel so passionately about this!
This is your answer,
Well after seeing this counselor he decides he needs time to himself to figure out if the past week was him legitimately being in love with me or if he was just mourning the loss of me already. He clarifies that he does NOT want us to be broken up, it is NOT a break. It is absolutely time to himself and that we are to remain faithful.
He answered it for you. He needs space to get himself right. Be there for him if he needs you to be, but overall he needs to figure himself out and also figure out what he wants relationship wise. I don’t know what else I could offer you, sorry.
I don’t think he was prepared to ever propose, but felt you wanted that. He was willing to somewhat rush into that because he felt he would lose you if he didn’t. That’s my guess on that.
Two other who post in here are now sleeping as they live in Europe. I’m sure they will comment when they get up in the morning.
Atea,
I agree with your assessment on maebe situation. Even as a guy if my ex texted me as a booty call I would be piss, lol she would never do that. I’d be like so that’s what you think about me after 8 years. I’m happy you would go over there and slap him lol. I will say this, good girls and guys are hard to find now a days. I see so many slappers at the bar on weekends, it discourages me. My ex is a person with self respect and at times I don’t think she understands what men are like now. She even said once, I might be naive to how guys are after being with you for so long. She will one day find out lol.
Maebe,
I think you might want to really sit back one night and think about your relationship as a whole. Like Atea said you knew him for 14 years, but only dated for a year. Is your perception about him really the reality of who he is. I don’t know the answer to that, but would encourage you to really think about it. I was also appalled that he would do that to you, just didn’t want to say it.@dwarf, i agree theres not much you can do. if this is the love of your life just wait and tell him you respect his time and space and want to be there for him whichever way you can be and let him come to you when he’s ready. but youre not obligated to be on the break on his terms. if you want to breakup or can’t handle the stress of the situation you have every right to not want to wait for him too. its not just up to him, its up to you. i think if you want to marry this guy, you just just keep up with nc and wait for him, but if you’ve had enough then just tell him you aren’t waiting around. those are the only two options as i see them. but i would give it a few more weeks before you make a final decision.
@mike2014, i think a lot of girls are the same way. I’m usually in disbelief over how many guys my friends hookup with or how ok they are with having things so casual. maybe because I’ve had a boyfriend throughout high school and college so i kind of missed the memo, but I’m used to being treated with respect. i will only hookup with a guy if i like him, the relationship has potential, and he’s taken an interest in me by taking me out and getting the chance to know me. i hope my ex is in for a rude awakening as well! sure I’m sure he can go out and find girls to sleep with, but does he really want a girl with little self respect to date? good luck to him on finding someone then!@dward and @maebe
I really feel for you both and recognise myself in a lot that you’ve said! I’m a bit tipsy so I struggled to see if there were any questions to answer. If so please ask again.
I went out drinking tonight, spontaneous decision. Plenty of interested men – it’s almost ridiculous. I feel like they’re swarming me on social media, going out and with emails. I can pick and choose but all I want is my ex – I don’t even give these guys a single chance (which is why I think they’re being so persistent). I miss him so much, I miss being intimate with him so much. I can’t face this – it has to be wrong!!! How can so many men adore me but he won’t even send me a photo of a god damn letter? How could he give me up forever when so many men want me? I guess his inflated ego doesn’t worry about loosing me anymore – he must see me as replaceable somehow.
It just can’t be right!!
Oh and I did a whoopsie. I looked to see what music he’s been playing recently and a few weeks back he was listening to audio tracks to learn my language. He already speaks it fairly well – but I was wondering if this is a sign? He listened to two tracks only. Perhaps he just wants to learn for his own sake? I don’t want false hope.
I just can’t accept this reality, I really can’t! I feel deep down to my core that this is all wrong and not the way it was supposed to end! He’s the one that should be chasing meeee!!!
I hope to god he never reads this.
@aphrodite, i feel the exact same way! I’ve given no one else the time of day. i actually feel very much back to myself the last two days and i guess thats how it should be but i feel oddly guilty about it somehow. can anyone else relate to that? ill be happy and smiling and then remember my situation and get this sinking feeling. it just feels like its not right. i feel like were supposed to be together and things just aren’t right when we aren’t. I’m hoping he’s coming to this realization as well, but who knows? if I’m starting to feel better surely he is too. i just know in my gut its not right when we’re apart, but it is what it is for now. if he comes back chasing me then ill know i was right and if not then this feeling will keep shrinking and shrinking i hope!
Thank you @Atea1234! You weren’t harsh! I’m definitely not that type of girl, I don’t do one night stands or sleep with guys too soon either. My ex just has this horrible power over me. I know that sleeping with him would be a mistake and I won’t!
And guess what? After rejecting him, he’s said some horrible things to me and I now know FOR SURE that he’s moved on. I feel angry, but also incredibly sad and sick to my stomach. At least this will give me the strength to fully move on.
After i said no, that i thought it was a bad idea. He responded saying that it was for the best, but that he couldn’t be just friends with me so “that brings us back to radio silence, which I’m fine with”… So harsh! I said “good to know you’re happy not talking, but you’d be down for a fuck. Hurtful, but it is what it is. See ya”.
He responded saying “But it helps you to move on, right?”
And things got worse from there. Now he’s saying that his question to have sex was not sincere and that he only asked because he was sure i’d accept, and then he planned to turn me down to prove a point?! I think he may just be embarrassed that he asked and i turned him down… orrrr he’s just a complete asshole and really couldn’t care less about me. I don’t understand where this is coming from, but whatever.
Either way, I’m done. I’m moving on for real. I don’t deserve this. Not after 14 years, not EVER.
@maebe, i dont interpret this as him moving on at all actually. he is far from indifference and thats for sure! he’s probably very baffled for not getting his way since you usually would respond yes. I’m really proud that you didn’t! he’s probably feeling frustrated to have lost some control and power over you. this is sooo important. you are so right, you don’t deserve this now or ever and I’m so glad youre recognizing that! and we had this debate yesterday but its impossible to be friends with people we were once in love with so don’t take that personally. stay strong and keep nc. every time you speak to him I’m sure it leaves you with a pit in your stomach and you feel back to square one. thats what happens with me and thats why I’m finally really sticking to nc. i let myself and be sad and cry occasionally but i will not break down and text him, ever. you do the same! if he reaches out to you show no emotion. either be ice cold or ignore. tonight was a great start for you!
@atea1234 I don’t know… he basically said he only asked me to have sex to try to prove a point. He said he had planned to turn me down once i accepted, and then to say “haha see you still want me so we can’t be friends” because I had asked him to be friends a few days ago. So he wanted to prove that i wasn’t capable of being friends? So childish. He was basically saying he was trying to make a point so I would move on! That’s why I believe he is over me. THOUGH, it could all be bullshit and maybe he’s embarrassed that he asked me for sex… Honestly, I think that’s what’s happening, because reading back on his first text, it was WAY too detailed to be a “trap”, haha. It was too sincere of a message! And he said I frustrated him twice. First he said “I just don’t know what else to do. You frustrate me”
And I responded saying, how do I frustrate you? My last message to you was a few days ago and I just told you to contact me if you ever wanted to rebuild a friendship”
IT’s not like I JUST sent him the email today, and then he responded… but he said he just read the email last night, and felt like I didn’t know what I wanted so he was trying to make me figure that out… It sounds pretty bogus to me!
Then he said, “I’m just frustrated, M!”
And then he apologized, saying he was just angry at women in general and my email upset him and he reacted poorly, and said sorry for responding the way he did.I responded saying I accept that he doesn’t want to be friends or lovers, and so he doesn’t have to be frustrated anymore That he’s moved on so I understand why my messages would bother him.
Annnnd i haven’t heard back.
I then signed online to the dating website we’re both on, and couldn’t help but notice he deleted his profile! I don’t think he’s having the greatest luck meeting people so far. Though I know he doesn’t go out often… I wonder if he’ll try to meet people at bars and out in the real world now that he deleted his dating profile, haha. UGH.
I’m done with this. Thanks for listening and for giving me advice @atea1234, I really know I deserve better and I plan on sticking to NC. I’m going to ignore him if he reaches out unless he wants to talk about “us”. So tired of feeling sad and rejected. I need to rebuild my life and learn to be happy alone! Though, I will casually date. I flirt alot with my friend who likes me, but it’s terrible because then he wants to take things further… i’m hoping that if we’re friends for a while, i’ll start to be interested in him sexually. Very annoyed at my brain.
Day 3 of no contact.
Last night she texted me,
“Hey baby I love you, I miss you, I can’t wait to see you”
It’s because she broke up with me and wants me to stay best friends with her…but I said no. All I want is a relationship with her. She has love for me. But idk what’s going on.
She called me like 7 times in a row. No pick up. And no reply.
Today….I didn’t get a call or a text…..it’s just making me think that she’s at this other guys house that she likes….it’s killing me….i was expecting something…..but I got nothing from her today :, (
thank you all for your input, i just wish there was a way i could know which way this is going. He is the love of my life, i honestly thought we were going to get married…but i dont even know where to go from here.
his mom messaged me today again ( she messaged me when this all began saying they love me a lot etc) and today she asked how i was doing ( hes really close with his mom). I said i was doing well, and then she asked how job hunting was going and i said well…then she ended it with “thinking of you every day” =(
Well I don’t know if I’m going to text her back. I want to go out with friends tomorrow and Saturday and not have to worry about having a conversation with her really. This is just becoming ridiculous for me. I’m on my time now and not hers anymore. I don’t want to reach out when she’s at work or out doing things and at night when I woukd text her back I’ll be out. Honestly, I’m at the point where when I reach out again it’s going to be when I’m ready to be like its do or die and if it’s die then go efff yourself and Goodluck. I’m just sick of caring about someone who walked away instead of trying to work on our problems. I know I was the big problem but still feel like I was good to her. At this point feeling like she is my soul mate doesn’t really matter. I’m not your friend and my personal life is my personal life. She doesn’t get to share in that anymore.
Her texting me out of the blue kind of upsets me honestly. Why would she think after breaking up with me 9 months later she can just ask me what’s going on in my personal life. Who does that?
I just feel upset right now. I know she is just trying to be nice but it’s just weird.
Mike2014
You know why she did it.
She hasn’t let you go totally. This is the rubbish part of breaking up with someone, they at some point get in Touch but it doesn’t necessarily mean they want to reconcile. They get back in touch for old times sake, which is fine for them as it’s their little comfort zone but for the dumpee it can set you right back.
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