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Posts
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@mike2014, its so clear to me how much you really value and respect your ex as a person and i really admire that. so many people bash their exes and have terrible things to say about them and it seems like both you and your ex are genuinely good people who had a great relationship and it really seems like your similarities outweighed your differences. its funny i feel like i know both you and your ex! i think it just sounds to me like your relationship went a little stale towards the end. you were both unhappy with yourselves and as a result weren’t being great partners for each other. I’m not sure if this question is too personal but is there a reason you hadn’t proposed yet? after dating so many yard at that age, had you considered it? i wonder if that frustrated your ex.
i do hope it comes with time with you opening up! feel free to practice anything you want to say to her in here! you’ll gain the confidence in time. i do believe its worth saying something to her
I really wish no one outside of the people in this thread including unimare could read what we say. Haha I hate others knowing what I say…my challenge in life. Hate people to know too much about me lol.
Belle,
I believe he’s so chewed up about it all that he can’t treat me with respect. He will do anything to hurt me.This stinks most definitely. I just don’t understand how someone can act like that after caring for someone for so long. It chews me up too for you. He needs a swift kick in the butt lol. I think what Aphrodite said about your ex is correct and I’m in agreement.
Slapper- I figured that’s what it meant. I officially am using that from now on lol. yank doesn’t bother me at all either. I don’t know if it would others tho. I could care less what people call me tho as others are sensitive.i don’t think its a derogatory term. I’m happy about you said you are doing better, that’s good to hear. I know you had a rough couple days, don’t forget to smile once and awhile.
TRUST ISSUE
It’s hard for me to answer this because I never had to deal with this. I was never given a reason to have to deal with it. I think I said this before but people who have trust issues I neleive stems from their own insecurities and what they do. I didn’t cheat so I wasn’t concerned and she didn’t cheat so she wasn’t concerned. I would always say..I have enough trouble keeping up with you and work crazy hours, I don’t have time for a side chick. She would laugh and say yea that’s true. I can picture her saying that lol. Honestly though we were so independant and not clingy either one of us could have easily cheated, but we chose not to.Aphrodite,
Thanks for the compliment. It’s funny cause when I read it I did my usual and deflected lol. I do not understand why he wouldn’t let you know about your mail. It makes no sense to me at all. It seems like common decency to let you know. I’m baffled honestly. I would find a way to see what’s up with that. I think it was Atea who gave good advice about it and maybe a plan to ask.
I’m happy you aren’t being a doormat anymore!! Great news. You don’t deserve to be treated like one!
I feel like you could have been used a bit. But I’m confused why he would stay with you so long if that was really his intentions. I don’t think he would want to do that, maybe he just liked being taken care of more than anything? I don’t want to take away from your relationship with him by suggesting you were just used the whole time. That can’t be accurate in my mind.
My ex and I would split things evenly a lot. She had a real problem when things were not equal. If I payed for dinner…she would pay for what we did next..movie or whatever. Even in December when I payed for dinner, she was sooo mad lol. She brought it up like 3 times that night…she kept saying I don’t know why you had to pay for dinner..you shouldn’t have done that. I was like no big deal, just a thanks is good enough.You are correct on your opinion of me…I’m definitely not this open outside of here. Lol not even close. I m very hard on myself and bury emotions inside. Always been like that.
What you said about doing whatever necessary to help others and your friends really reminds me of my ex. She never gets what she gives from people, even me a lot of the times. Could be soul mates lol?!? Just kidding!
Atea, sorry I ran out of finger use for the night. I will re read what you have said and respond tomorrow. It sounds like you had a good day tho!
That’s a very fair question Atea. My iPad is on fire from my typing but I will give this a go. When I don’t feel comfortable about a situation, I bury, deflect and try not to think of it unfortunately.
That’s a tremendous question. I so very much wanted to marry her, absolutely. I even went shopping for a ring and she didn’t know. I had it planned out. I would say what my plan was but with others reading here don’t want to share. I’m weird in the sense where we both were unhappy with our jobs and finances. I didn’t want to let her down financially. I deflected even talking about it cause I was embarassed. We honestly could have made it work with what we made. I made a lot more than minimum wage so it wasn’t that bad lol. I just didn’t feel comfortble. She also talked about moving to NY for her career in arts. We both just wanted to make a next step career wise…it just was taking awhile to form. The minute we moved and got stable happy work…I was going to do it. She never brought it up.
The second time we met up… We had a long talk in my car. This was the second of 3 times I tried to ask for her back. It was about a month after. I got emotional and she was very very emotional. I said to her, you know I really wanted to marry you and have a family. She responded…I did not know that because we both never talked about that. You never shared that with me till right now. I just said I was sorry but it was true. I don’t remember what else was said after that. I think the third time a few weeks later, maybe 3 I once again said I even went ring shopping and had a plan of how to do and explained why I didnt. Once again as she was crying she said I didn’t know you did all that because you never told me. She said I know you bury things inside. I flat out then asked her if that was a big reason for the break…she responded no, but I feel it was a big reason regardless of what she said that night. She also that night said the break up was a weight of her shoulders ( I asked her clarify and she wouldn’t). That was the only real truthful comment I got that could be interpreted nasty and I won’t lie it hurt me. She said she needed space to get herself better and her usual I don’t know what will happen in the future.
i think it just sounds to me like your relationship went a little stale towards the end. you were both unhappy with yourselves and as a result weren’t being great
This comment is 100% true. When she says she needed space and wasn’t happy with herself as a big reason for the breakup. I do really beleive her. I don’t think it was just something someone says to lighten the breakup. She really wasn’t well at the end and did really lose herself as did I. How I am now is nowhere near how I was a year ago, I’m back to being myself. I’m not sure that she tho yet from things I heard.
Your question was fine
Morning all.
Am I first up this morning? I agree with Mike214 that i don’t really like the idea of others reading our thread. I too am pretty private and I forget that this is open for the world to see. Still, nobody knows who I am! I hope!
Aphrodite, personally I would ask him about the mail. It’s your choice as you know. You’re coming up to 30 days so don’t be too hard on yourself. He’s been disrespectful by not fulfilling the simple task, maybe he had his reasons and maybe if you knew it would make you feel better? Hard to say because as you know getting in contact can lead to more pain!
Yes strange that both our ex’s had trust issues. That in itself was disrespectful and not healthy in a relationship. There was nothing we could have done about it. Was their issue that they will both carry on in life.
It’s 6.30am and I’ve got to get up. So hard when the spring in step has gone!
Still, one foot in front of the other…. Another day closer to happiness!I feel creepy, but I’ve been keeping up with your posts, most days anyway. Only because since I posted here before, I now get email notifications when you guys post.
It’s unlikely anyone we know reads this, but it made me weary to continue posting. Since you guys are all close now, why not send eachother group messages through email or face book?
You all seem like great people, by the way. I would have kept up with this thread if I hadn’t been so bummed out. My ex has completely moved on. He told me he doesn’t even want to be friends… He said he has no feelings at all but we’ve never been friends so he can’t help but think of me sexually, so being friends won’t work. And the shit part is, I can’t even fully do NC until March because of events we’re both attending in Feb. Ugh. Struggling to move on without him, but I fear i’ve lost him for good so i have to try my best. He doesn’t think i’m good enough, or he doesn’t love me anymore. This f-ing hurts.
Sympathizing with everyone here. My situation is different, my ex is stubborn and wants to explore to see if anyone better is our there. I think this could take years. And it isn’t fair, he shouldn’t have to do this, he should just know i’m the one. That’s why he broke up i think, cuz if he questions us, we must not be right? Haha.Life is cruel.
Venting and not needing any advice… Just hate this pain. I wish i could give up all hope. Even though I know deep down he has moved on, i can’t help but wonder if nc for 3 months and LOA will make him want me again. And I think, if I look great, act confident, and seem happy at these parties maybe he’ll miss me. It sucks. False hope sucks.
Maebe,
Hi, you’re welcome to post with us and nice to know you’ve been following us. Even though I know so sometimes we forget this this an open group.
I think messaging through a closed facebook page would be a good idea, thank you for your in put!We are all shattered broken people on here coping day by day.
Do you think that your ex really has no feeling? How can someone go to completely no feeling? How long had you been together?Aphrodite,
How are you this morning, it’s mighty cold here in London, yes yes, I should not complain!
Shall we create a facebook page for us select ones?Good morning everyone! Still to catch up on a lot of posts, but I would totally second a closed facebook group with a neutral name (NOT the broken hearts club, lol). It’s easy to forget that this is a public forum and we can’t even delete these posts afterwards and we’re sharing a lot of personal details.. it’s a bit creepy. Anyway, I’ll get my coffee and get back to reading.
Morning all.
Thank you for everyone’s responses! I’m going to have a think about what to do regarding the mail.Most likely I will send him a text (after day 30) where I will ask if he can please send the photos of the mail. I bet he will take a while to respond, and when he does it will just be “sorry I forgot” – nothing else.
Then I will wait a few days, send the email/letter, and see what comes from that. I’m expecting rejection all over again. And like you, I can’t understand why he wouldn’t do this simple practical task for me, it’s so rude and really hurts.
@Belle I’m feeling sad and hurt today, feeling physical pain from all this. One of those days where I’m in disbelief about everything that’s happened and just can’t comprehend that he isn’t interested and won’t be in my future. how about you?I agree, I don’t feel comfortable about the information shared here either as its a public forum.
Regarding a closed facebook group: I’m afraid I don’t like sharing personal information on FB so that isn’t an option for me.
Therefore I’m not sure how to go about this?
Maybe there is somewhere we can create our own private, members only forum? Or we can all create fake email addresses and email each other?Aphrodite,
Yes, the pain just does not want to go away. We have to get to full acceptance they will not be back and then anything above that is a bonus.
I’m a step closer getting to that point. How he’s behaved over the letter and the whole shebang is appalling. He’s taking out his hurt on me and I’ve realised I’m the one that can control that hurt. Everytime I contact him it leads to chronic pain.
Today is the first day I’m actually beginning to think of not wasting my time on him. I deserve a whole lot better and yes I’ve done things wrong but his attitude of just cutting me off without even trying to sort out the new found problems. I’ve done everything I could have done and more. There is no more I can do and I’m wasting time now on him.
I don’t want to live in the past and I want to move forward. I still need time to grieve but I’ve given myself till April and then I’m going to start dating again.
I’ve been here before and if a guy doesn’t want to be with you then there is nothing you can do. We are all capable of long term relationships and therefore it’s a matter of time before the next love of our lives walk on by.
I keep thinking about the past and our times together and it hurts like no other like I’m sure you know! But it’s done, it’s in the past and right now it’s not going to come back therefore sitting around wishing it back is not going to do anything.
I need to move on. I need to get the guy out my hair and stop thinking about him. What is important is me, the here and now is important and my happiness is my life and wanting a guy back who doesn’t want to be with me is a waste of precious time.
I was looking back at some photos of me and over the last year I think I’ve changed, the sparkle had gone. Before I was a diva! I need the diva back and I need the sparkle back. The negativity of my ex, I think began to have effect.It’s a bitter pill to swallow accepting they will not be part of our futures again, it’s very painful. But we need to accept this because we will be so nearly getting through this nightmare. To really accept and understand they will never be back, ever. I feel ok today with this thought, tomorrow maybe different but I think I’m beginning to accept.
My ex in particular is dealing with it himself and casts all balame on me, that’s how he’s dealing with it. Once his anger goes, if it ever does then he may reach out but to be honest I think I’m worth more and better than him.
I think he took me for granted and I don’t think the concept of me never being in his life again has not hit him. By the time it does I could have well moved on and the reconciliation may not be possible. I don’t want someone who can treat me this way. He didn’t have to be so brutal and I’ve lost a lot of respect for him.
I’d like to see if there is someone else out there that I maybe even more compatable with, someone will less issues, less baggage and can deal with life like an adult, not like a child.
I deserve the best and I deserve to be treated well!good morning everyone!
@mike2014, i completely understand what you’re saying about wanting to get established career wise and both be happy with yourselves before an engagement and i think thats really smart. but it didn’t sound like you had any doubts that she was the girl you wanted to settle down with and that definitely means something. its funny my ex said the exact same thing to me a couple weeks after we broke up about it “being a weight off his shoulders”. he told me he was feeling pressure from his new job, his family, friends, and me and he just couldn’t take it anymore. it definitely stung to hear but i think clearly our exes thought about ending things for some time before they actually did it so if they had it on their minds, it must have been a relief initially. i still vote for you to tell her how you feel, but thats just me!
@aphrodite, i think you should send him the question about the letter! plus its a very practical matter so it wont look like you’re trying to gain his attention or anything. i know exactly what you’re saying when you’re in disbelief over everything thats happened – i feel the exact same way sometimes! when is day 30 for you?
@belle, I’m actually feeling how you said yesterday and today – of course it can change at any moment, but last night i was thinking as much as i love my ex, I’m not sure i would ever fully forgive him for this. i mean even if he does come back it will be because he selfishly took this time to “confirm” by dating and sleeping with other girls. should he really have to do that to prove how special our relationship is to him? not to mention he’s made a number of mistakes in the past and through this breakup that I’ve just found to be such a turnoff. last night i was thinking, even if he wants me back how will i ever truly believe he wont do this again? and that would be a fear i would constantly have! what if he did this after years of marriage? its actually created even more confusion in my head! at first it was just sadness and longing for us to be together, but now our past relationship is long gone. if i ever do finally get over this, he will never have a second chance with me. i was an amazing girlfriend and deserve to be treated with the utmost respect and love – always. if he isn’t capable and doesnt want to then surely someone else out there will! of course i still want hi to come back but i want him crawling and begging on his knees for forgiveness, and not sure his pride would ever allow him to do that. i also wish he could know how I’ve been feeling now – that i am starting to move on! but i will NOT tell him. i will not contact him at all. if he has a change of heart, he can start contacting me. and if he reaches out just to be friendly in a few weeks because he hasn’t heard from me, my responses will be ice cold. he really might lose me here if he doesnt come back soon and thats an enormous risk for him to take. if he loses me, its his loss! same thing with your ex. he’s being selfish and silly to be so hung up on petty arguments in the past instead of realizing he has a great woman who loves him and would do anything to be with him right in front of his face! surely he will recognize that at some point, but it might be too late. keep the nc! were both in it together!Morning atea,
Glad it’s a good day for you, lots more good days to come!
It’s great you’re feeling strong and beginning to see the light.
When I was heart broken with D years ago, I remember a male friend said to me while I was licking my wounds, he said…so what! Go and find someone else! It’s true. Really, these guys don’t understand what they had and they will only realise once they know we really have gone. For us to get to that point we do need to let them go and start to live a healthy lifestyle mind and body.
Every day is exhausting as you know, but also we are in control of that, we do not need to feel like how we have.
We have the memories of our ex’s and always will have those memories, we did not walk away from making more, we wanted to continue and we can’t beat ourselves up because they don’t want too. They are the one with the problem, not us. We’ve not broken any contract, they have. They think they will be happier away from us, then good luck to them… The grass is not greener and by what they’ve done we’ve all but closed the door and to be honest I think I’m days away from that.Your ex will forever regret leaving you. There are a hell of a lot of strange women out there, strange habits, strange families… If he thinks he can be happier in the jungle out there then good luck to him. As my ex, good luck to him. He’s not everyone’s cup of tea so if he wants to live alone then again, good luck to him.
My ex won’t come back for many months if at all, it will all be too late because the memories of the break up will be in my mind for a long time! He’s treated me awfully and I won’t forget.
There are lots of nice guys out there Atea, they are for the picking. Why be sad at home when we may meet someone to have some fun times with. You never know, you might just hit over the head by the love tree!
@belle, at the moment I’m feeling very torn! half of me feels like i could never forgive him for the pain he causes me and there are hundreds of wonderful other guys out there who probably wouldn’t take me for granted and who would appreciate me, but the other half of me really can’t blame my ex too much. we did start dating very young and if he did have any doubts, now is most definitely the time to get it out of his system! he has said all along either his doubts will be confirmed and he will be so much more committed to our relationship or he will realize breaking up was right and we will both move on and be happy elsewhere. i am finally beginning to see the light of the tunnel either way – looking in the mirror this morning i felt I’m starting to get my sparkle back! whether or not he comes back is out of my control. i truly believe in my situation it will all come down to timing – if he comes back before I’ve completely moved on or met someone new, i will probably be thrilled to work on the relationship. but if he doesnt come back in the next couple of months, i will continue to have better and better days and one day i will look back and say “i can’t believe i was so heartbroken over him!”. its so hard to predict the future and I’ve really got to stop trying. for now i am just living my life one day at a time and doing things to make me happy. loa is actually working for me i think and if my ex doesnt come back in time i think he will monumentally always regret this – everyone (even his own family!) has been telling him for years what a great influence i was on him, how out of his league i was. i pushed him to be a better person – always. so i guess if its meant to be, it will be and he will be back on time, if not something better will surely come along! same to you as well!
i know you will find someone else great! and I’m sure its comforting to you to know you have been through this before – devastated over a breakup and then found someone even better than your old ex! its been motivating me for sure that it happened to you. for now, we should allow ourselves to grieve, have sad days, etc. but we should also try to be happy! I’ve made a bunch of plans with friends over the next few days and am treating to myself to a massage and manicure later this afternoon.
onwards and upwards for all of us! (I’m feeling particularly fine at this moment, but who knows the next hour i might go back to feeling completely crushed)! its all a process and a roller coaster of good and bad, but we will take it as it comes and all get through itI’m soooo far away from accepting that it’s over forever. That may be because I haven’t attempted reaching out yet. Even if I did reach out and was rejected again though, I’m sure I would convince myself somehow that not enough time had passed and that he may still feel different in the future. I don’t know how to let this man goooo! Even though my mind tells me it’s over, my heart point-blank refuses to agree. I’m even worried about getting involved with other men, because what if he then changes his mind? Ugh.
Could it be that he hasn’t reached out about the letters in fear that I’ll start talking to him and he’ll find out I’m with someone new? False hope is making its appearance today.
Yes you definitely deserve better, and he made some bad moves with not being warm enough which I think he will come to regret later.
The good thing is you recognise that you have done everything you could! There is thus nothing more to do. You put it all on the table, and he declined with rudeness. He had his chances.The diva will be back better than ever:)
@atea1234 day 30 is on Monday, so on Tuesday i will let myself reach out if I still want to. So happy to hear you’re having a good day!!!:)You both deserve much better and yes, the tree of love can whack us with it’s branch when we least see it coming.
@aphrodite, you’re so close to 30 days!! what an accomplishment! i hope you get some of the answers you’ve been longing for if you do reach out next week. i totally feel you on the false hope. I’m sooo convinced my ex is going to come back eventually and the ball will be in my court whether or not i want to take him back! maybe thats just some made up twisted fantasy i have in my head. i guess only time will tell! but i also feel live done absolutely everything i can to save this relationship. i begged, pleaded, spoke honestly. i went through nc periods, met up with him, sent letters. so i have truly done everything. i still have hope he will come back but I’m just done acting on it. i think I’m starting to realize i have the best chance of him actually coming back if he actually thinks he’s losing me – i know you’ve been telling me this all along, but I’ve just started to believe it myself! so I’m not “giving up”, but I’m done acting on it. if he wants me back or wants to see and talk to me, he knows how to reach me. in the meantime ill continue to move on and time will tell. theres something about making it a little easier to walk away when you feel like you’ve done absolutely everything you could and now its in the other persons hand and up to fate. I’m still with you on whether to follow my mind or heart. my heart still believes he’s the one for me but my mind says a life with him will likely lead to more heartbreak and while I’m still young and before i invest more time, i should let it go. i think i will just have to decipher the feelings if he comes back and see what he has to say about it all. for now, i still have hope but I’m also realistic in that even if he does come back it will likely be many months from now. i feel ready to be cold if he reaches out and start to make him really question if ill still be here when he’s ready! i can only hope he reaches out soon so i can really give him something to think about. hope youre having an ok day today! only 4 days away from day 30 🙂
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