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Posts
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It’s ok Mike, I shall wait till all answers are in till I reveal myself!
The word slapper is a UK term for a girl who likes to get about town, if you get my drift. So a girl who goes from
I’m glad you like the terminology, I’m sure I’ve got more words up my sleeve you yanks haven’t heard! Is the word “yank” offensive ?Yes, my ex is in a world of his own. As you say he might be there for ever and Infact even though we’ve been together 8 yrs, he might not be the one for me. Too high maintenance emotionally. It’s like I need some help in life just in general but he’s like an extra burden on me.
Atea, you are dinky! 5ft! You little sweetie! Blonde and blue eyes. You know I actually first thought you were blonde but I thought no that just too typical for the ideal american girl so I changed you to brunette! Dang!!
Yes, all my friends refer to me as their “small little friend”! Typical blonde hair and blue eyes too!
@belle, you must be so frustrated about your ex! Im sorry to hear it. He is being extremely immature and selfish and for no reason! I mean you clearly both still have feelings so why not try to work things out? I hope you’re not feeling too sad!Atea, as time goes by I see he has big problems. As Mike said, he may well never change from his opinion.
Because my ex worked abroad and because I felt he never listened to me I felt very alone in the relationship. Things would have to change drastically for there to be any hope and part of it is the realisation on his behalf how I’ve felt in the relationship. He’s a million miles away from that right now and I don’t know if he will ever think differently.
I took the good with the bad in the relationship,the good was very very good that’s why I stuck with it and would be willing to work out issues.
He’s still angry and stuck in his hole so until that changes there will never be any chance of reconciliation.It’s been a sad day, but I’ve got through it…again and hopefully tomorrow will be better.
I saw my therapist today and she gave some good advice. Very simple advice. We are in control of our thoughts, it’s our thoughts that put us into moods, good or bad, sad etc. if we choose and allow ourselves to think about sad things then we will be sad.
There is an author called Byron Katie, she does lots of you tube clips and books.
She’s been through the mill and spent many months depressed over trauma, she suddenly realised that upon waking in the morning and for the first few minutes she was feeling good, then came the sadness again, she realised that it was her own thoughts that was making her sad. So she changed her way of thinking each morning and delayed the sad thoughts. We can control the sadness. We choose to think about it and dwell. We can’t change the hear and now, right now is what’s important, so focus on every minute in the here and now to be happy.Take a look at her on youtube.
@belle, thanks for the suggestion. I will definitely check it out. Today is definitely a better day for me than yesterday. Im beginning to feel like my ex is just being an idiot. I mean no relationship is perfect but ours was pretty close in retrospect and we had so much love between us. If he wants to throw that away and look for something “better”, then good luck! I think it will be difficult to find for him. I hope he comes crawling back and begging me in a few months! For right now I’ve given up the desire to act. It’s completely out of my control. I will not reach out at all. I want him to think he’s really losing me – and he may be! Whether or not he realizes in a couple of months he’s being an idiot is in his hands. If it happens I’ll cross that bridge when I get there. Either way I would love the option!
Area, I sympathise totally to how you feel. Yes your ex thinks the grass is greener over there but he’s in for a lesson in life if he’s not careful. Maybe that’s his destiny to live in regret! It’s the same to an extent with my ex, he will one day realise what I was trying to do to save us. We had a great relationship but he doesn’t want to address the issues and to me that’s so lame when there was so much that was good.
I find it hard to believe he won’t be back, I’m sure in time he will but will my feelings fade and I may find someone else who I click with and think why do I want the ex back after all the grief!
You see, if they leave it too long that’s what will happen. We meet someone who is ok, start to have a life again, create a relationship then bang the ex comes back. Why go back to a guy who might change his mind again, or the going gets tough and walks out again? I want someone who doesn’t give up when the going gets tough.
I’m glad atea you’re feeling strong, hopefully more days to come like this one!I completely feel you. I don’t even know what to say to you as I feel deflated and a bit in shock from your situation! I can’t understand him.
Either way both you and your son do deserve better! I’m so sorry you’re going through this. We can only hope that will time he will realise what a mistake this was.
I hope you’re feeling strong, because you should. You seem like such lively, interesting, fun and loving woman, so keep the faith because if he can’t see what a good thing is, someone better than him will!
By the way my ex thinks the same of me! He told me on the phone he thought I had already slept with someone, had thoughts about me perhaps being pregnant or getting married (as I had asked if we could talk on the phone in a text)! What the hell! Also once when we argued and I went to a hotel as I couldn’t handle his rudeness, he was convinced I went there to sleep with someone – he even told his friend that! I didn’t know any other males apart from him and his friends in his country at the time!! I honestly have no clue where they get these ideas from! I’m a nun like you!
As for my idea of you: aussie beach babe! Blonde hair, blue or blue/green eyes and love to tan when you can, so you have some cute freckles. Slender but with some curves, and around 5″8 to 5″9. Hah I could be SOOO wrong!
I’ve taken note of what you think of my appearance and I’ll get back to you about it after others have had their say!
@atea1234
Thank you for congratulating me on nearing day 30, it’s still a few days away though! I was considering sending him an email, though sometimes I don’t know if I have it in me as it will only lead to feeling more rejected when he answers. I get a lump in my throat just thinking about the rejection – or false hope turning to feeling crushed again later on. I’m not sure my heart can handle it. Sometimes I’m still in disbelief about the whole thing though, it’s impossible to imagine life without him.You’re a petite blond bombshell!!
I thought you would be a brunette with hazel eyes like Belle thought also! Though I did think you were petite which I got right at least!:)Oh and I was joking about the angry aura! I’m really not energetic in life – I’m quite demotivated these days, but in here I can be enthusiastic:)
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To all:So…. This evening I was called up for a reminder about an appointment tomorrow morning in my ex’s country. Apparently a letter came through to him to tell me the date of this important appointment, but he didn’t let me know. We agreed for him to read my letters and send photos of them.
So either 1) he read the letter, but realised this would make me come to his country so he tried to sweep it under the carpet – or 2) he hasn’t read the letter because he hasn’t thought about me enough to.Either of them suck. I got so livid I felt like my blood was boiling. We had an agreement that he would let me know of any letters, and he was the one saying he wants us to be friends and asking if it’s okay for him to reach out, and he promised he would send a photo of every letter to come through, and that there were letters already there that he would send photos off.
What do you guys make of this?
He is just wanting me out of his life isn’t he? I bet he’s really happy and relieved that I haven’t contacted him for almost a month now. I’ve been so angry today. I’m so fed up with empty promises, empty words and feeling worthless as a result. This was a practical matter that had nothing to do with our relationship and for him to not be respectful enough to contact me over practical matters… I just don’t know!!!! I’m gobsmacked.@patrick_d
It seems like your ex is quite ambivalent, wanting to keep a foothold in your life and wanting her cake and eating it too. NC is probably best as not to feel taken advantage of in this situation
@mike2014
Aw bless you what lovely things you said! I wish my ex could see me the way you do! LolYes this process has without a doubt highlighted my weaknesses, my flaws and what needs improving. Another thing I realised today is that although I was being a doormat (emotionally dependent), I was also being too independent with practical things. I remember him begging me to hold my bags/suitcases so that others wouldn’t think he was a bad boyfriend! Meanwhile I wanted to “impress” him with my independence and strength – which really just highlights my insecurities and was removing his joy of being needed in a practical sense. I did insist on paying for most things, I just thought it would be a give and take situation, I thought he would equally insist on paying in later times, when he got a job, a promotion… I can see now that I just opened myself up to being taken advantage of and not being respected. In many ways I facilitated him using me, and he didn’t stop me. I really have to write down all these things so I make sure never to make these mistakes again! Gosh it wasn’t just him using me… It was me openly inviting it and expecting something in return later (but then he broke up when he finally got the finances) D: Not good Aphrodite… Not good to make man feel emasculated, not good to openly invite being used – not good to expect! :/ Sorry I went on a bit of a rant there.
Oooh you’re tall, dark AND a lovely person! You shouldn’t be so afraid to show who you are and what you feel inside with the outside world! I get a feeling you’re being very open here but you’re more of a tough guy in real life? Yay I was right about the baby face and hair colour at least!
Oh and it’s not strange that you’re afraid of reaching out to your ex again. That opens you up to rejection once more, to mess with a healing wound. It would hurt your pride and ego (even more) to get rejected, if places us in a vulnerable position again. I feel the same way! Still undecided myself about whether or not to reach out. I think I will if I muster up the courage.
Also completely agree with you on the term ‘friends’. My ex has said many times he wants to be friends and that my gut feeling about us getting together may be right if the gut feeling is about us being friends. I will never be his friend, I can’t demote myself to that. It’s so demeaning.
I completely feel the same “not only is he okay with loosing me as a girlfriend, he’s okay with loosing me as a friend as well”. It’s not that I want to be his friend, but I want him to show me he does when he says he does! As he not showing me it just makes him seem dishonest meaning he doesn’t actually even want me as a friend!
I wish I knew how to console you but I’m right here with you in the same place!
I believe if me and my ex had been more “fair weather friends” he may not have broken up. Being with me was challenging because I had to face so much in life. But the thing is, in life difficulties happen. I faced lots and lots of difficulties – but as a result I’m also the best god damn person for those around me when the going gets tough. I hope he one day will come to realise the value of having people like that around. People who will take your calls at 4am, and never neglect or give up on you. I don’t think he will though:(I agree with everything you said. If I dumped someone after a long term relationship and said I wanted to be friends, I would be following up, I would ask if the dumpee is okay several times. My ex hasn’t asked me once since the break up if I’m okay and I’m getting the feeling that’s the same for you.
In my book, it’s one thing if your emotions get shut off. You can’t control your emotions.. But it’s another thing to have emotions shut off entirely but go on about how much you want to be friends and how much you will miss the other person – when you won’t! I can’t stand lies like that, even if they are there to seem polite. That’s just them being out for themselves and not having to feel as much guilt because “I was polite and said we could be friends”. I wish he had been upfront with me, but lucky (I guess) for me I’m used to having males that don’t care around me and I know there’s nothing I can do if it has reached that stage. I think that will help me some as long as he doesn’t give me more false impressions about his emotions towards me. I’m so over this whole too faced business. Saying one thing and acting completely differently.
Sorry everyone if this post came out long, seeming a bit jumbled and if I missed out on responding to things! There was a lot to catch up on! Would love to hear any opinions about why he hasn’t been able to do the simple task of notifying me about the letter.
PS. It’s raining men (that I’m not interested in). It’s almost bothering me, feel a bit like a dog that will bite if someone gets too close right now – though I should be grateful.
Evening Aphrodite, just thought I’d log on and leave a message before atea and mike have a good gander while we sleep!
I just don’t get men, why did yours and mine show this jealous insecure streak! It’s ludicrous. I remember a few times my ex would question where I was going and who with like I was going out on the pull. Honestly. I’m just sooo not that way inclined!
Hmm, I don’t understand either why your ex didn’t keep up with the mail. I just don’t get after all the years and moments shared over the years how it can end so Despicably. If all he had to do as agreed was check the post and he didn’t do it almost implys he’s not at home!? Why would he not do such simple thing? Unless he’s not done it out of revenge or hate as prob my ex would do, mainly because his brain is the size of a pea!
The actions of these guys is beyond question, I can understand how livid you were!
Interesting to heat mike and atea point of view!?Liking the description of myself Aphrodite! You’re a bit hit and miss but shall wait a wee while before revealing myself!
Lights out for me here, shall let atea and mike dominate the air waves! Night night all.
Atea,
5 2. Slim/skinny build. Tan skin. Long black straight hair. Dark colored eyes.Aphrodite,
5 7. Light hair, blond or dirty blond, Light colored eyes. length of hair shorter maybe to the shoulders. An athletic build. Fair skin but not pale.Belle,
5 5, brown hair that is curly but not too long. Average build but not in a bad way. Lighter skin and green eyes.
That’s what I got.
Haha I can’t wait to see how off I am.Also,
Received a text from my ex today:
Hi!! Did I see on Facebook that you got a new job?!
I responded a bit after and just said I was busy and explained why and said I’ll get back to you tonight or tomorrow. She was sympathetic to my situation with my family member but said yeah def text me later and she hopes everything is ok.
I don’t really do social media much but I made a post for the first time in awhile.
At least she is still her same nice self I guess and it was nice of her to reach out. Guess she is curious. My hope level is still the same tho, minimal.
I take it it will be morning by the time you read this, so good morning! I hope you’re off to a better start today.
Yes my ex did the same, I felt like I had to report back to him about every guy I had spoken to and what about.
I really don’t understand that he thinks I would so easily jump into bed with someone else after all these years. I can’t believe he thought I could have gotten pregnant or married by just over a month since I had seen him last! It’s hilarious and frankly crazy!! He didn’t seem phased by it when he said it though. It was almost judgemental in a way. Either way he meant it, it insulted me that he could think of me this manner and not be insightful enough to know I’m here with my heart aching for him.About the letter:
I know he’s at home so that rules that out! I also know he had the letter, it was one of the ones he said he would open and take a photo of. I wasn’t aware it would be regarding that appointment though. So he can’t come saying it didn’t show up!
Why the hell could he not do this simple task for me, that he said he would?Clearly he just doesn’t give a rats ass right? Too busy focusing on someone else? Opened it but didn’t want me to come? I can’t find any benign reasons!!!
It can’t be revenge or hate, as he’s the one who decided not to be with me and he wasn’t angry just mean.
I do recall him telling me to send him a text and remind him if he didn’t send the photos of the letters soon. I didn’t do this because I went into NC, and because why should I? He broke up, the least he can do is remember to send photos of my mail when he said he would do so! I was waiting to see if he would actually pull through on his word and he didn’t. Argh. Is it that much to ask for, after everything?Having trouble sleeping tonight as I feel so haunted by thoughts of this man, and the thought that I’m far away from his thoughts.
I’m so livid about this letter. It’s such an easy way to show respect for someone you dumped and he couldn’t do it. I feel pissed on, frankly.
Perhaps this was the straw that broke the camels back, I’m just so frustrated with him!!! And with myself for not realising that I was dropping steadily in priority towards the end of the relationship, until it hit disrespectful levels. I can’t stop thinking what a cold ass this guy is the second he doesn’t benefit from being nice. I was going to be really humble in my letter but I’m not so sure anymore. All this resentment is only affecting one person though and it’s me – but I can’t make it stop!Should I tell him? If so what should I say? Should I pretend I don’t know about the appointment and ask if he could please send those photos now – then make him realise he’s done a whoopsie (upon opening the letter If he hasn’t yet) and he will have to explain himself? If he has already opened it and realised, I bet he would pretend it wasn’t there, I’d remind him it was, and he would pretend he lost it.
Or just not mention it and continue NC indefinitely or until I send the email?Ex-boyfriend analysis… Pretty sure I’ve reached a PhD level. I think I need some help.
I’ll let you know how you did once atea has had her say! And perhaps unimare too if she’s around!
Your ex definitely seems interested in your life. I’m very thrown by her – I don’t quite get her deal. I thought it could be that she wants you to really fight for her – but all your attempts have been in vain. I wish I knew how to advise you but I’ve got no idea how this woman thinks and operates.
There is no doubt she still wants you around, but I’m not sure if it’s for the right reasons. I’d say take the time to listen to what your gut feeling tells you to do, and do that. Don’t let your decisions be based in fear though.@belle, i completely agree with you and thats what i was saying about my ex having a certain time window. of course i can’t put an exact number or time constraint on it, but i truly believe if he doesnt come back within the next 6 months or so i will just be moving on and meeting other guys and will not allow him back into my life. of course i wont say anything to him, but i do believe there is a time limit on these things! only time will tell if he comes back before I’ve moved on. but i am feeling very strongly about sticking to nc and trying to force him into a quicker decision. if i keep nc for a number of months and he’s ok not having me in his life that will tell me I’m not the one for him. if it causes him to think he’s losing me and he freaks out and asks for me back, that will be a different story! i still hope, but my best bet now is to do nothing.
@mike2014, your ex does seem to be a bit of a confusing one. always so nice and friendly. my ex is the same way and i really love it and hate it at the same time. i understand why you would be scared to deal with rejection again but i also think at this point you’ve healed a lot and could handle it if she didn’t want to pursue her relationship. but in my opinion, someone who genuinely wants to move on cuts all contact ifs, ands, or buts. thats why i still have a bit of hope about my ex. he’s not obligated to answer my texts. if he really believed he didn’t want anything with me again he could simply just tell me to stop reaching out or not respond. but he always takes the time to give me thoughtful responses to my questions and is always very friendly when i reach out to catch up. your ex is the same way. I’m still pulling for you to tell her how you feel, but its up to you of course.
@aphrodite, that is terrible about the letters!! i can understand why he wouldn’t have reached out just to say hi, but not giving you your mail or filling you in on practical matters?! thats just plain rude in my opinion. i don’t think you should call him out on it because it would lead to more arguments. but theres no way he “forgot”! i mean how can you forget when you have someones letter in front of your face!? you’ve been so strong with nc and i don’t think you should necessarily break it over this. but if you decide you WANT to break nc, i would just ask him if you have any mail – pretend you don’t know about the appointment because theres no reason to stir up further drama. as for the letter, i do think you should send it eventually. i think its therapeutic and after spending 10 years with this guy, you should be able to tell him how you feel honestly!! but i do think you should wait till you’re feeling a bit stronger and have no expectations so you wont be crushed by any response (or lack of response) you might get from him. i totally understand your frustration and how rude and horribly your ex has acted towards you. but you are emerging so much more self aware and stronger from all of this. your ex will be kicking himself once he sees who you’ve become!i dont think theres a wrong or right way to proceed here. you can keep nc indefinitely and wait to see if hell reach out to you eventually, you can start conversation about the mail and see how he responds to that, or you can send the letter. whichever you decide make sure you’re emotionally prepared for it. theres no rule! you will just feel ready at a certain point. also I’m picturing you very tall like 5’10 with long dark hair and brown eyes and very slim!
@mike2014 almost got the height right with me (i’m 5 ft exactly)! but light blue eyes, pretty tan skin, and long straight dirty blonde hair!also i must say how much I’m enjoying this thread! i find myself laughing out loud from some of the comments here and feel so lucky to have stumbled across this! its helping me healing so much to let all my thoughts out and hear motivation and have some laughs from all of you!
Sooo much to comment on lol
Hopefully later on tonight I will be able to make a long post. Iv been running around a bit today. I quickly read over everything.
I am not going to respond to my ex till tomorrow night. I just don’t have the energy with surrounding circumstances to talk to her. I know she is going to want to know all about this job and my family member. She likes to call it “catching up”. That phrase frustrates me lol. I also told her once to stop using exclamation points and smiley faces. She never used them when she texted me when we were together. She was like well I’m just showing you how I’m feeling. It’s weird because she was never a confusing person when we were together, now she’s turned that all up.
@Atea,
almost got the height right with me (i’m 5 ft exactly)! but light blue eyes, pretty tan skin, and long straight dirty blonde hair!Your boyfriend is going to regret the day he let you walk away. I’m surprised guys aren’t throwing themselves at you :).
@mike2014, thanks! its funny everyone always told me i was out of his league looks wise. i hope he’s downgrading while he’s “dating” to see if I’m the one! I’ve never had a problem attracting guys. the only problem is i only seem to attract my ex – one guy i can’t have!
and no rush on responding to your ex. do it when you feel ready to explain everything. its funny my ex always says “catching up” too. its so annoying. its weird he used to know what i was doing on a minute by minute basis and now he knows nothing. maybe this would be a good opportunity for you to open up to your ex?Not going to open up yet. It will come I think lol
Alittle more insight into me personally and my ex. I think this will be therapuetic for me to write out. Had this thought today.
My ex always said we were different people and didn’t have a lot in common.
Similarities:
Both come from good families and are family oriented people. We both have strong morals and ethics. Neither one of us were clingy or had trust issues, liked to be very independant. If I went out with friends or she did we wouldn’t bother the other person and sometimes would just say, well text me tomorrow. She wasnt a bar person but would just go to a friends house and spend time with their kids or the movies or dinner. She called herself boring.We both are reserved and try to blend in. She’s even worse at this than me lol. I’m not good around people I don’t know and can be very anti social..she is the same. At a party which she hated going to and not in her element, if she found a dark area lol she would be content hanging there. She has a wonderful personality one on one and would give the shirt off her back to people…which in turn led to her friends always taking advantage of her and not giving as much as she did. I’m The same way. My friends I would do anything, people I don’t know not so much. We both at the end became very self conscious and fought insecurities as we were getting older and not being happy with aging. An example for me…i always kept my hair short and noticed I was losing my hairline…I was pissed ( woman this really bothers men lol). It isn’t even that bad and now since I grew my hair longer and got a sweet haircut I feel great. Wish I had my hairlike this when I was younger. For her she stopped dancing and put on weight. She still now talks about it if I see her. At the end I would get out my cloths she would wear to sleep and she would turn away while changing in front of me. I would get so upset about this and reassure her I loved her looks. After awhile this is while I started to give her looks so maybe she would want to change for herself…horrible backfire lol. We also hate taking picture lol…I think in all our years we only have like 10 together. Also I hate accepting compliments and deflect all. She also isn’t good with them.
Differences:
I absolutely love to debate. I’m so opinionated. She hates to debate and is more of well this is just how it is so accept it. This led to her always saying…you are so much smarter than me. Meeting other girls now, she is very smart. She likes romance and such and I’m not one to show emotion unless I’m drunk as she would always say. I will speak my mind when upset with someone…she would rather cower and not say anything..frustrated her when I would speak up. Towards the end tho I got her to be stronger with this. I can be a negative person, she does like to look at the positive unless it’s about her self. I like to joke around a lot, she hates to shower her goofy side. One time she was singing in the car early in the relationshio and I mad a joke. She refused to ever sing in front of me again lol. She’s quiet and I used to be someone loud. I’m sure there is more but you will have to ask her. She also tried to be like my mother at times..reminding me of stupid things and such…I used to hate that. I would say I already have a mother.One more weird thing. She always tried to hide her OCD from me. It wasn’t too bad but I noticed. Only at the end the last year did she admit to me it was worse and she never wanted to show me that side. I hid smoking cigarettes from her the whole time. I never smoked in front of her and hid my cigarettes from her. I think she had an idea and one time early while I was driving tried to look in my car, it was hilarious to me. She caught me at a party when we first met. I remeber thinking well this is done and got the worst feeling in my stomach that she wouldn’t want to see me again. I hid it from that point on. I think at the end she knew but just ignored it. This summer when we met and got in the car she said… You car smells like smoke and gave me her stern face. I said o well it shouldn’t matter to you now what I do.
I think we had a weird relationship.
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