NC support

@Belle
Well, the level of nastiness depends a bit on which tone of voice you read the note in.. like I first read it in a quite flippant way, because you were upset, and then I read it in a more soft, sad way. In which case it’s less nasty, but the message is still quite clear…

I would take advantage of the fact that he at least seems to be responding to you at this moment, so re-read your letter in your head, think if there is anything else you need to ask him, like is he sure he will always feel that way or does he just need time, because you still sensed a connection when he visited etc, or whatever you need to ask to get closure. Forgetting the fact that you feel really emotional and angry at the moment – soon enough you will start bargaining in your mind again with all the “what ifs”.. I would just get this part out of the way. And then if the response is still equally unmovable and rigid in his decision, then I would do what he said – just move on. In the end, you can only do so much. You have to be able to say that I did everything I could and I said everything I needed to say, and if that still isn’t enough, then you deserve better.

I’m so sorry. 🙁 This is difficult, I know. Stay strong.

good morning everyone!

@belle, i am so so sorry to read you got that email response. my heart broke for you as i can only imagine the pain you were in from that! it brought me back to about 1 month post breakup for me when i texted my ex telling how how much i missed him and wanted to be with him and his response was “please move on”. i was so caught off guard! those are words i thought i would never hear from him. i actually saw him a week after that exchange because he had to pick up his stuff from my apartment and he told me he was sorry for being short and harsh he just didn’t want me sitting around pining over him because he knew if we reconciled it would be definitely further down the road and he wanted me to be happy in the meantime. the way i felt when i read your exes later is that this guy is nowhere near ready to reconcile. he has so much hurt and anger from the past. but to be positive, he did come over to see you which he didn’t have to do and he did send you an email response. i know this is advice you don’t want to hear but this guy clearly needs SPACE and TIME. i fear if you keep reaching out he will get increasingly more power and will get more frustrated, so i think it really is best to wait. of course don’t beat yourself up for a small slip up of something that reminds you of him, but i wouldn’t mention the relationship again for a while – maybe around 3-4 months or so. i personally believe if you really love someone you truly don’t give up until you absolutely have to. i don’t think youre there yet because he has been responsive, but i think you really need to give him time and space for a bit and then can feel him out to see if he’s still interested. I’m sorry you’re going through this 🙁 sending big hugs your way!!!

@aphrodite, i know exactly what you mean when you say you wake up and something doesnt feel right. its how i feel all the time. like I’m just incomplete and not myself without my ex. this is something I’m really trying to work on because as my ex says – no one can be someones other half, but rather two whole people can be in a relationship. since the last time i was without my ex for this amount of time i was 14, i am still getting to know myself and learning how to be me without him – something i never truly imagined i would have to do! but i still also wake up with that sinking feeling every morning and my first thought is “ugh another day without ex…”! its absolutely gut wrenching and I’m on the same page as you and i can just hope we get better in time. I’m so proud of you for almost finishing 30 days nc! do you plan to reach out to him or initiate going forward? its a huge accomplishment and you should be pleased. even if it doesnt seem like you’re getting better, just the fact that you were able to keep nc for 30 days shows great improvement i think!

@unimare, to play devils advocate a bit, i really don’t think its up to your ex to initiate contact right now and i think he knows it. when my ex and i broke up i asked if we would still talk and he said “of course. i don’t want any rules on this” and many many times when i would reach out and end the conversation he would always say “ill be in touch” or “i thought we would always have contact”. but he’s reached out to me only one time in the past 4 months – and that was about probably 3 weeks ago. when i did see him in the beginning of december and questioned why he didn’t reach out he told me he didn’t want to confuse me or send me any mixed signals or lead me on but that he was always very happy to hear from me. he said he knows we can’t be “friends” which personally i believe its impossible to be just friends with someone who you were at one point (and maybe still are) so in love with. because our breakup left the door open to reconcile in the future, i dont think he wanted to have strict nc on either side but he is nowhere near ready to reconcile and i can’t imagine him reaching out much unless he is. i also haven’t gone more than 30 days nc yet (which I’m assuming you haven’t either) so there really hasn’t been much of a need for him to reach out because I’ve checked in plenty. he always is happy to hear from me – as I’m sure your ex would be as well. but i think from his perspective, he dumped you and doesnt want to further confuse you or lead you on and knows the idea of being “just friends” is probably too complex. that doesnt mea he wouldn’t reach out one day in the future. I’m actually curious if i kept nc for a real significant amount of time (a few months), how much time my ex would go without reaching out. i think your ex is probably trying to be respectful of your feelings and efforts to move on (and @aphrodite, i think this about your ex as well). also i know 30 days sounds so long when were dealing with people we love but we have to remember in the grand scheme of life that really isn’t so much time and were all dealing with pretty fresh breakups – if he hasn’t texted you in about 6 months maybe i would feel differently. as for his birthday, there is no right answer here. do what feels right to YOU. if you do want to have a friendship with him then be friendly and say happy birthday – i feel like thats the one day a year a lot of people reach out to their ex! if you want him to reach out to you on yours then you should reach out on his. if you also agreed to being friends its not all on him so you can be friendly as well. but you owe him NOTHING. if its too hard for you then don’t. if you’re angry at him or don’t have the desire to talk to him and have him reach out to you the following week then you have no obligation at all. do what feels right to YOU

Belle,

I feel bad you didn’t get the response you wanted. My opinion is he can not confront his feelings. He would rather bury them. I think his response was somewhat cruel, but to me the most appalling thing is the length of his response. You put a lot of thought into that letter. You gave him 3 pages of HAND WRITTEN emotion and he didn’t give you anything in return. That is ridiculous. At least he read it and wrote something back. One thing I wish my ex had the courage to do. Ultimately, regardless of what he wrote back your letter definitely made him think. He will be thinking a lot about that letter and what you wrote. You and your words will be on his mind.

Hello unimare, hope all is well. I think everyone wishes their ex would reach out. I’m sure in some weird way they wonder why we don’t reach out as well. The thing is in or position they don’t deserve to hear from us. The ball really is in their court.

Aphrodite,
It really does take courage to have hope, I think that at least. If he doesn’t want to reach out in my opinion it’s his loss. From what you write, I hope I can find a nice girl like you moving forward. You seem to put a lot of thought into your posts and are a strong person who isn’t afraid to be emotional. That is very respectable. If anything this process has made you a better person and accountable for what you feel are your weaknesses. That important in life to learn from mistakes.

Thank you for your response to what you think I may look like lol. That was a lot more in depth than I thought I would receive. You are very creative.

You hit on some things that were correct. I’m actually 6’3 and athletic build I guess. I think I’m somewhat lanky…hate that lol. I’m in good shape. This is the first year since 2nd grade I havnt played basketball…my favorite sport and best sport. I wish my hair was alittle thicker, but with age it’s not like it used to. My barber does a great job keeping me looking good lol, he’s my best friend and has been since HS. I wouldn’t say I’m pale, I maintain my golf tan throughout the winter. I do have a baby face, people always think I’m 24-25, but I’m about to turn 30. If I shaved off my beard, I don’t know how young I would look lol. My hair is dark brown but lightens in the summer. I don’t know what color my eyes are but I think they are dark.

I’m glad you aren’t grouping me in with all other men!!

Atea,
Hope you are having a good day. Where I live the storm missed us and we only got 3 inches. I hate snow lol because it pushes back when I can get outside and golf. More snow means it takes longer to melt in March.

@atea1234
I understand what you’re saying, but then on the other hand, if you think about it like this – both me and @Aphrodite (and yourself also) have been told by our exes that sure we’ll be friends, let’s stay in contact, etc. But they haven’t initiated contact at all! Also, we’re kind of the “victims” in this situation (for lack of a better term) where we feel like we’ve been wronged a little bit and had our egos bruised, and the other half has had more time to process and they’re the ones in control of the situation. So it feels like they should be the bigger person(s), or like @mike2014 said that the ball is in their court. IF they cared. Now I totally understand that they would respect our space and want us to be able to distance ourselves from the breakup and give us time to heal. And in your case especially, there’s the promise of getting back together in the future which is maybe why you can’t be friends during the time you’re apart. But with me, for example – there’s no prospect of getting back together. It’s either friendship or nothing. So I can understand how he might feel like the ball is in my court – he dumped me, so if I can’t handle that, he’ll back off. Or if I can, then he’d gladly be friendly with me (if it doesn’t take him much effort). But to just settle with – oh she hasn’t contacted me in a while, so I guess I’ll also not check in or see how she’s doing or congratulate her for some big news. It seems like he already said goodbye to me when he dumped me and is okay with losing me in every sense of the word.

And I just can’t understand that. Not only was he okay with losing me as a girlfriend, he’s okay with losing me as a friend as well. He’s not willing to fight for me at all. I feel like that’s key. I don’t need another fair weather friend. If he doesn’t want to put any effort into our relationship, then he doesn’t deserve me. As a girlfriend or as a friend.

I mean, I will continue NC, aside from wishing him a casual happy birthday online I have no desire to reach out to someone who refuses to put any effort into keeping me in his life. Like with Aphrodite, his ex said he would text her, but hasn’t. To me, that’s not respectful or sensitive to one’s feelings. That’s just flippant. It makes it seem like they don’t think about us at all, as opposed to asking a casual “how are you” every couple weeks or whatever. Although I don’t think if he messages me a couple months from now to see how I’m doing (out of guilt or obligation probably) then that’s not even close to being the same as wanting to be friends with me. But I really respect your opinion @atea1234 and I feel like you have a very mature outlook on things, so maybe you can explain it to me, how it’s not his place to initiate contact. For a whole month. When we’ve never gone more than one week of not speaking to each other.. It just doesn’t make sense to me. If I was the dumper, but still wanted the person in my life, I would reach out. If I just wanted them to get over the relationship and forget about me, then I wouldn’t.

Uffff maybe I don’t want to understand his point of view and it’s easier to just resent him. I’m not sure. Sorry for the long post, it’s just one of those days.. I actually am already feeling quite fine most days and I enjoy having a more supportive role in this thread, so you might as well ignore this stupid emotional rant 😛

@Aphrodite: no, I don’t think your aura is angry, I was thinking more like energetic 😛

Atea when you wrote, “i personally believe if you really love someone you truly don’t give up until you absolutely have to.”

I am struggling hard with this. A big part of me has given up all hope. A small part of me still wants to hang on. This is very conflicting for me. The way I am and how I deal with things makes it very hard for me to confront her again. I really don’t think I can muster up the courage and talk to her about it. I really don’t want to be emotional in front of her again. Crazy!?!