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Posts
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@belle, isn’t the waiting game the worst?! I’m constantly wondering if and when things will happen. i know i ask the same question repeatedly and there is no answer its just all very confusing for me. i will say nc is getting easier to me. my one friend kept telling me i will reach a point that i no longer want to reach out and i think I’ve hit that. not that i don’t have urges and don’t wonder what he’s doing or want to see him but I’ve realized that reaching out gets me nowhere. i think a need a real period of nc – a couple of months. i need to get used to living life without him and he needs to know he could lose me for good. I’ve let myself be a backup option for him and i don’t want that anymore. if we get back together he should respect me. i need to respect his decision and respect myself enough to not keep reaching out to get rejected. of course this nc is temporary – its not like i plan on never speaking to him again but I’ve finally decided its what needs to happen now if i want any chance of reconciling in the future. the reason I’m saying beginning of may is because I’m expecting him to reach out end of april and I’m hoping we can kind of start over then clean slate and i can feel him out. sometimes it just feels like the days pass slowly. anyway, my birthday is exactly 90 days from tomorrow. i can make it through that!
i wouldn’t read into your ex not responding yet as good or bad. i am sure the letter gave him a lot to think about and made him emotional. you’ll reach out when you feel ready to know how he’s feeling about it all. maybe you’ll only make it till tomorrow or maybe you’ll make it 2 weeks. follow your gut.
I’m just getting tired of this waiting game. eventually i think i will just get to a point that i don’t want to wait anymore and at that point i will tell him and feel him out where his head is. right now i think he thinks he has all the time in the world. i don’t think he means this intentionally, but I’ve been available to him.
lets both shoot to make it till april, @belle! in the meantime we can talk to each other!!The easiest thing is just to bury the head and move on, it’s what your ex is looking like what she’s doing
Belle,
Yea I’m very aware of this. It’s why I havnt brought up reconciling since July and most likely never will again.
Hey everyone. I’ve been reading your guys conversation for days now and it seems you guys are genuine. So I ask can you help me too. Situation She broke up with me a month ago for not loving her. When I went back pretty much begging, she said she was suprised I cared. So I said I wish her luck then she said that’s it? You ain’t going to fight for me. So I did and got her back 2 weeks later but we talked everyday so it was easy not to hurt so bad. Then 2 weeks later we got into a fight about moving in again with each other. So she broke up with me again. She said she needed time with NC. So I obviously ignored it and begged. So she said nothing you can do will change my mind. But let’s be friends and talk in a couple days. So I screw up because I get lonely, join a dating website. One of her friends find it and tell her. She immediately loses it on me. And says I hate you f words, you lost your last chance at being with me, and forget friends. 3 days later texts me sorry the things she said and wishes me luck, that we never be friends, and that I broke her heart. So I apologize and start NC for me. I cave in on day 4 and send a letter explaining how much thinking I did and that I afmit I have commitment issues. That I went to counseling and church. And pretty much saying I changed and I’m better. So she texts that she loves that I’m changing but don’t change for her because Were over. And continues with I broke her heart more than i will ever know. And that she will be my friend but she can’t talk with me because she’s still dealing with. And not to worry because God has a plan for everything. Don’t do anything dumb cause she’s worried about me. And ends with I’ll talk to you soon.
Hello,
I’m back from a long and exhausting day. Went to a funeral too (I’m okay, I didn’t know the person that well but it’s still sad and emotional).
Just wanted to tell all of you how very thankful I am for all the support and feedback here!! Sometimes I forget to respond but it does not at all mean I haven’t appreciated what has been said:)
@Belle I think he will respond to you within a few days, but there’s no way to be sure. He is probably confused about what he feels and wants to think through how to respond. I wouldn’t be worried about it until a week has passed.Aphrodite,
Was wondering what happened to you today! Funerals are never good! Thankfully you didn’t know the person that well.
Aphrodite, you know patience is not a virtue of mine! Yes I will hear from him but I want it all now!!!!!! *stamps feet like a 2 yr old*
It’s ok, I forget to respond, or sometimes so much to read, you don’t know where to start!
Just want to respond to Fakeit….
It sounds like you need to back off, get yourself straightened out. She sounds angry… Bit like my ex. I too did the date sites and he went nuts that he couldn’t do it anymore.
She’s not indifferent at all so let the dust settle. She still hurting and needs to time to process everything.@belle, i am struggling the most with patience right now!!! i have been snowed in and googling all of this stories of reconciliation (maybe not the healthiest thing to do, but it has made me happy today!) and i have seen that most breakups that ended up in reconciling did have nc periods that lasted somewhere between 2-6 months. many people wrote how these times of nc were the hardest of their lives but that they pushed themselves to make it through. i feel motivated to make it through 90 days! i brought up yesterday with my therapist how impatient i am. she does a lot of couples counseling and told me 4 months in most cases is way too soon to reconcile anyway. she also said this to me: if you truly believe this is the person you want to spend your life with, what is a few months away? it will seem like just a blip along the way. we’ve been discussing timing together a lot and what she’s basically told me is she agrees its very unrealistic for me to come back together with my ex many years from now. she thinks if by the summer he hasn’t started to come around, i must let go. for now, she’s told me to keep the nc indefinitely, until he reaches out and feels ready to speak or until i really feel ready to speak to him without being emotional and without expectations (she guesses this will take around 3-4 months). we can do this, belle! were in it together!
Atea,
If only it was that simple! NC is the hardest thing to do in the world! I’m weak, I’m feeble, I’m pathetic! The best I can do in 2 weeks! I know I have to do at least twice that!
I like your theory of the 2-4 months NC. Your right, when things have gone wrong badly in a relationship you need to give it reasonable time for everyone to heal. 4 -6 months is a realistic time to reconcile.
I just miss him so much that I need to reach out. I find it so incredibly hard not too. It’s like I need to change my surroundings totally like go away to achieve it.I’ve even said to myself that I will mess this up if I keep contacting him. I’ve got to NC for this to work! It’s like something inside me aches so much that I end up giving in.
I’m off to therapist in the morning, hope she will give advice!
Atea,
That sounds very reasonable. I think you are on such a positive life path. You continue to seem so level headed about you situation. Your therapist seems to be helping you greatly, that’s an awesome experience.
I think in any aspect of life, most people are very impatient. Everything is a process. No one likes to wait, but it seems it’s usually the best to step back and analyze before acting in life.
I’m still and always will be pulling for you!
Belle,
I had the opportunity to get away for two months in October and November. It was a positive experience to get away from my comfort zone and place where a black cloud in a sense was present. If an opportunity presents itself even for a week or two or even a weekend at some point of time to get away, I really encourage it. I know in your situation with your family it might not be possible ( just assuming), but it can be good to have a quick escape from reality.
@belle, i know it is the hardest thing in the world!!! i will say when i did my 30 days though it got easier. i could’ve held it longer, but i reached out because we had entered nc on bad terms and it was eating me up. i think once you do make it through the 2-3 week hunch, it does get easier. ever since i reached out that time we’ve been going two-three weeks without talking but then we’ll talk via text for a few days and it makes it harder to start over. i think once you break it once its so much easier to break it again shortly after. i feel really motivated to stick it out. i really think its the only way. who knows if ill make a mistake along the road but i do think its the only way to go about it, at least in my situation!
@mike2014, thanks for your kind words. i love my therapist and could not be going through this without her!! what you said about most people being impatient is very true. the best things in life are often the hardest to get. i really need to work on being more patient with my ex. he was up front with me about wanting “real and significant time” so i can’t even say I’m surprised. its funny because i do think i am able to be level headed about the situation i just get impatient and want answers.one of my friends last night told me she thinks I’m doing do much better than i give myself credit for. i do tend to be somewhat of a perfectionist. but i did tell her i respect my ex for doing this now before we got any older and I’m thankful for honest and respectful he’s been throughout the breakup and that in a strange way i really admire him for being strong and sticking to this because he believes its “necessary” for the future. i know he loves me and I’ve tempted him many times to get back and I’m sure it would be been the easier thing but I’m actually secretly a little happy he didn’t take me back two months ago. i know he isn’t ready. and if he does spend enough time away from me and realizes I’m who he wants then i think he will be a much more committed boyfriend to me in the end and if he spends time away and realizes I’m not who he wants to settle down with then i can only thank him for doing me a favor and ending things now while I’m only 22 and have plenty of time to fight the “right one”. i am capable of viewing this from a mature perspective and it does make sense to me why he’s doing this for him. and i respect him for trying to figure out his doubts now because i have many friends staying in relationships because they don’t want to be alone. even though i do understand what he’s doing and why, it just becomes extremely frustrating for me to be patient and wait and be so unsure of the future – all things I’m really working on. i can talk about it rationally and think logically but my heart and emotions just feel shattered and all over the place. doing my best to get by!
I find the best way to overcome impatience in this situation is to overwhelm yourself with goals and tasks, keep busy. I also think doing stuff for other people helps.
My biggest challenge is to stay motivated, as sometimes I feel like there’s no point in anything without him. That’s something I’ve got to overcome, but I guess it takes time to feel happy and motivated on our own. I was probably way too codependent!
Mike,
I’d love to get away but it’s not going to happen unfortunately because of family and school etc.
I’ve family in Australia which I would get on a plane tomorrow to go see but sadly I can’t! The school where my son goes do boarding, but I couldn’t relax going away if I shoved him in the school for my own benefit.
My ex travels for his work so he’s got no reminders what so ever of me. You were lucky to get away Mike, I seriously would go away tomorrow if I could.@belle, maybe you should plan a fun summer vacation with your son for something look forward to!
@aphrodite, i found it really hard to motivate myself at the beginning. I’m someone who never leaves my apartment without perfect hair and makeup done and in the weeks following the breakup, i was always in sweats wondering what the point was. people would tell me to get my haircut, go shopping etc. but i always felt like it was pointless if it wasn’t for him to see. but I’m slowly overcoming! I’m doing things for me and keep telling myself it will either attract him or someone else back in the end. but yes i agree setting small goals and big ones are helpful. I’ve got to get more back on track with that! its hard to keep setting goals for self improvement that can be easily measuredAtea,
I’m a strange one I guess, but I always felt my ex was most sexy when she would come over with her sweats on after a dance class. Something about her being natural and who she was simply turned me on the most. That was how she was when I first noticed her lol. I think I’m different in a sense to most guys where if I notice a girl with a ton of makeup on and really overdone it’s a big turn off too me. It’s like what is she trying to hide. I’m also most times oblivious to the world and wouldn’t notice simple things. I was terrible at noticing when she would wear something I bought her like earrings or a necklace. She would be like I been trying to make you realize I have these earrings on you bought and you haven’t noticed.
I do think it is very important tho to do whatever you can to make yourself feel the most confident. Getting up and getting yourself perfect helps you become most comfortable and confident and that really is all that matters. It’s a great sign of you overcoming by taking the time to get yourself ready to go out. I will say I respect the heck out of girls and their process of getting ready. I know I dont have the patience for that. I do like to always dress nice and I have a new haircut since the breakup where my hair is longer than ever and now it takes me like 10 minutes to put gel in and sometimes it’s frustrating lol. Overall tho I fel great about my changed appearance. Keep doing you Atea lol, I’m sure you will attract many handsome men!
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