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Haha, yeah I smiled when you wrote that the dogs tail went berserk!
Well his eyes welling up is great!!! He’s never been indifferent and clearly isn’t now!
Don’t worry too much about what he thinks. This went better than thought so just allow yourself to celebrate!:) If he really didn’t want to be with you, he wouldn’t have stayed there for that long!:)
I’m having a really tough day today, the kind of day where you don’t want to get out of bed, eat or even exist.
I wish I had never used up so many of my young years on this relationship, as it only ended in heartbreak. I genuinely thought it would be worth all sacrifices, and I was so wrong. I’m so angry at myself for being so foolish. I don’t know what to do with myself. I have lots of important things to do today but absolutely no energy or drive. Everything feels lost and hopeless. I wish I could erase 10 years and start over. Really not in a good place@Aphrodite you shouldn’t think of your past relationship as a waste of time. Try to list (or write down even) things you learnt, mistakes you will never make again, life-lessons, things you enjoyed etc, and try to be thankful for them. Perhaps he wasn’t the right person for you, but having these experiences, you can value your next relationship(s) more and hopefully meet the best match for you. There’s plenty of time and it’s often our young years that get spent on making mistakes and learning things about ourselves and others, gaining confidence and becoming a better person. And heartbreak just means that we lost something that was worth feeling heartbreak for.. would you trade that in for, say, a number of meaningless relationships?
I can really relate to that feeling of lacking the energy and motivation to do things when you have thoughts like this clogging your brain (having one of those days myself). I think the best thing to do is to try to find things to do that make you happy or that you enjoy, and learn to be thankful even for the little things and even for the bad things (because you only grow from them).
Thank you Aphrodite and Unimare on the encouragement! Thank you for your kind words too.
Yes it’s a start to a long road ahead. I need to start NC and let him reach out to me now. I’ve shown him I’m no crazy woman and he’s got the letter so there is nothing more I can do now except hold tight. Today went better than expected and I’m so pleased.
As for you Aphrodite, you have most certainly have not wasted 10 years on him And the relationship. It sounded like it was a love hate thing going on and when the good was good, boy was it a blast.
You’ve learnt a lot from this relationship, a lot about yourself especially. Whether you reconcile or meet a new guy, you will take forward all your new found knowledge and instil this into the new relationship. So the last 10 years has all been about finding out what you want and will accept in a new relationship. It’s valuable stuff. We have to learn as much as we can about partners, breakups to take that forward into the future.
Going through emotional trauma changes us, we view things differently and makes us deeper people, more interesting.However much your hurting today look at the bigger picture, the pain will pass and you will grow as a person. Today maybe crap for you but tomorrow maybe a good day, remember you can’t get off this emotional Rollercoaster just yet, so go with it. You need to feel bad to then feel good.
We will all come through this stronger people.
You can do this Aphrodite! Big hugs !!!!
Thank you for your response. I don’t want to think of it as a waste, but I can’t see the bright side today. Looking back I was in constant “waiting mode” for when he would start to show appreciation for me again, throwing myself at him for whatever crumbs he would throw my way. I devoted myself to him completely, and sacrificed more than anyone should. Supported him financially for years, I gave and gave only to receive hurt in return. I have learned lessons but I wish I would never have had to learn them in the first place. I wish I had ended the relationship the first time he messed up, or I wish I had never met him. The memories aren’t good memories, they torment me and make me cry and I feel sick.
I know how things could have been different and it hurts to know I’m responsible for it, for not putting up boundaries and for being too afraid to do it. This man has wrecked me entirely, and I am nothing like the confident and trusting person I was before I met him. The hardest thing is that after all of the sacrifice and effort I put in for all those years, he could end it with such ease and out of no where say he never wants to be with me again. I don’t feel I have gained from this relationship, I feel it has destroyed me.I’m sorry you’re having one of those demotivated days as well!! I hope you feel better soon. All we can do is hang in there and try our best to carry on
@belle, first thing when i woke up i wanted to check here to see how it went! I’m so happy it went well. its great he showed a lot of emotion and was nice to you and let him show you all around and was happy to be there. it sounds like the whole thing was very natural which i think is soo important. I’m glad you acted calm and cool and did not pester him about the relationship, but just stayed calm. you can bet his eyes will be welling up a lot more from reading your letter! i know waiting for a response will be impossible but i can guarantee you will get one, as you’ve gotten one always for him! try your best to go 1-2 weeks of nc before reaching out and asking his thoughts. he’ll let you know how he feels when he’s ready.
@aphrodite, i really can relate to you. the last couple of days i feel absolutely miserable – back to how i felt during the first month. its a constant feeling of emptiness inside and a huge knot in my stomach, so i can relate to your pain. i too was regretting being in the relationship as long as i was, but we must remember everything happens for a reason and we shouldn’t regret anything from our pasts because we can’t change it. we can only try to improve going forward. i think the reason I’m feeling lost lately is because i know the road ahead of me is so long. if we do reconcile, it will be months or years from now and if we don’t i really don’t anticipate being over this feeling for about an another year. its daunting and challenging to look ahead and see that. but we are all in this together and we will have some good days on this crazy ride. i really feel for you but also SO proud at how far you’ve come with keeping nc. hang in there!! sending hugs and lots of wine your way!!Thank you @Belle
I’ll read these posts again when I feel a bit more receptive towards them! Right now it’s all darkness – but I do feel very happy about your situation and I’m very proud of you for how you handled everything!
@aphrodite, definitely try writing down your feelings. It was very therapeutic for me yesterday. I wrote an email and was very tempted to send it to my ex but after about an hour or so I didn’t even want to! It just helped to get it all out
Thank you atea, yes was very natural. I’m glad his eyes filled with tears! Emotional!
Aphrodite,When you’re in the darkest of places and hurt, there is no light at end of tunnel. You can see no positive to anything.
The 8 years I had been with my ex, most of the time he was working away. So in all I would be with him half the year once you count it all up. He was advancing with his carre while I waited. Had to turn down nights out with friends and parties because I was sick of going alone as ex would be away. I did that for 8 years. There is no gratitude for what I did, no acknowledgement of self sacrifice.
It’s something I won’t dwell on, I can’t. I made that choice at the time and went with it. In all it was 4 yrs of being alone. Hospital appointments alone, school events alone, crisis at home alone, car troubles alone. For him.
He won’t know that at times I struggled or I was unhappy with the situation. Nobody held a gun to my head to do it so I can’t be angry or cross. I’m more angry there was no recognition.
You end up 8 years older and back to square one. It’s diabolical but I’m not going to get hung up on it as it doesn’t change a thing! I allowed it to happen.Don’t get too upset with how you feel. Take responsibility for the choices you made and make sure you learn by them.
Just because he took advantage and you allowed it, do not take this into any other relationship with you, whether with him or someone else. Set firm solid boundaries and if the guy doesn’t like it then move on. Don’t take baggage but deal with the issues and become a stronger more learned person.Here, have anotheer glass of wine and a slice of cake!
I think we can all look back on our relationships with some regret for how we handled things. When my ex was 19 and in his second year of college, he broke up with me for the same reasons as 4 months ago. He said he KNEW he would need to expwriwnce other girls even though he knew deep down I was the love of his life and the one for him. What did I do? I cried and begged. I bargained for an open relationship – put restrictions on what he was and wasn’t allowed to do with other girls, texted him and called him constantly because I was so insecure, and eventually gave him an ultimatum of all or nothing. I think due to his immaturity and my relentlessness we were both scared to let it go. When I look back on it now, I should’ve let it go. We were long distance at the time and younger and had been together for only 4 years. I would’ve gotten over him as I was in college halfway across the country with so many distractions. He would’ve had his chance to experience others then. He even told me at the time that college was te perfect time to experiment as we were long distance anyway. In retrospect, he was so right. Had I let him go then, who knows? We probably would’ve reconnected after and he would’ve gotten this out of his system. Now I have 3 more years of memories with him, am getting at an age when most of my friends are beginning serious relationships after being single in college, and live just a few subway stops away from him! There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t shoot myself in the foot for not letting him end things 4 years ago when he promised me I would hear from him one day when we were both older, more mature, and ready . But when I think back over the last 3 years, some of my happiest times were with him. We built such a solid foundation. We grew up together, learned how to love, forgive, fight and make up. I wouldn’t trade the last 3 years for anything. Every time I feel lIke calling him and maintaining a friendship I remind myself how badly I wish i would’ve just given him his time and space years ago. Im still only 22 and thankful to be going through this now. I have my whole life ahead of me to build a new relationship with him or with someone else. As much as it pains me, I need to let him go now. If he returns, it must be because he decided on his own. I truly believe he is the one for me and I just need to keep believing that his path will lead him back to me. But, one thing I know for sure is that I refuse to go through this again in another 3 years, when im at an age where my friends really are starting to settle down. He needs to take all this time now. I know he won’t come back to me unless he’s positive and I need to honor him and love and respect him enough to give him the time now, and not put it off. I’ve also tempted him in so many ways over the first 2.5 months and im really thankful in a way for how strong he’s been because if we would’ve gotten back together when I asked, he would’ve left again. This gives me confidence that if he does want to get back it will be because he’s positive. He kept telling me we really needed to give it time, to wait until our emotions settled or this would be for nothing. I am terrible at being patient and giving up control but I am slowly learning to accept my past mistKes, be strong in the present, and not predict the future. I truly believe he’s the one and if it’s the case, he’ll be back on his own time. Don’t best yourself up for the past @aphrodite, even though you can’t see it now. We will all have bright futures ahead of us even if our exes aren’t a part of them
I don’t have time to write a long reply though I want to – but thank you so much for your responses!
What hits me when I read about how you don’t feel as bad as me for what you have sacrificed and put in without getting back- is that perhaps I didn’t actually love him as much as you two loved your guys.
But what then, is this huge grief? Perhaps it’s not so much grief over him, but over what I sacrificed for someone I perhaps didn’t deep down feel was worth it? Perhaps it’s more just feelings of betrayal? Thinking back there were many times I wanted out of the relationship in the early days but he convinced me to stay over and over. I’m confused. If I really reeeally loved him then I shouldn’t feel so bitter about having done everything for him? That should just have been in my nature? I’m feeling lost!@aphrodite, i think there are many reasons you are feeling this way. realizing someone who you thought was your soulmate might not actually be is probably a pretty devastating feeling as well. i am also thinking that this breakup has made you confront many personal issues which is painful. it seems as if you’re at a crossroads in your life – figuring out a new place to live, new job, and perhaps a new relationship. i think it is only natural to be feeling so uneasy! plus, you clearly did love him immensely to give him 10 years of your life. getting over a 10 year relationship can never be easy. its also somewhat like breaking an addiction and going through withdrawal. i think its totally normal to feel this way. you have a lot of things to think about! maybe feeling resentment of your ex is helping you move on and get over it. i also think you are feeling unappreciated by your ex. even though my ex broke up with me he always has told me how I’m a “perfect” girl and always highlights my attributes and tells me this break up is completely for internal reasons. your ex it sounds like has put you down and hasn’t made you feel good about yourself. it must be very painful for someone who you gave so much of your life to to act that way. hang in there. better days are coming!
Belle,
I’m happy your day went well. I understand how stressful the past few days must have been. It’s great to hear it was a positive experience.
I completely resonate with everything you’re writing! All of this is a bit like going through an existential crisis!
I’m doing my best to hang in there but sometimes I feel like all is falling apart at the seams. My ex was really horrible. Right after the break up he would say demeaning things like “your taste in music is crap”. I don’t understand the point. He had already crushed me by breaking up with me, so why purposefully hurt me further?
And my taste in music isn’t crap, I’ve made him aware of countless artists that he now loves, and his friends would always mention how great my taste of music was! I just don’t get it. Maybe he was purposefully being cruel to try to get me to leave (I had to stay a few days due to practical reasons). I don’t understand! I would never insult someone right after breaking up with them!
If you don’t hear from me for a while, I’ll be checking in tomorrow evening. Hope you are all okay x
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