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Aphrodite,
You know the answer to that!
Turn the situation around and imagine you were him, or you were someone who walked over a boyfriend.
When the worm finally turns then he wakes up and refuses to be used again. He cuts contact and gets on with his life without the doormat treatment. Stopping the doormat treatment is your choice not his. You cut off his ability to use you like that. He will think, what’s into her!? Why doesn’t she do all the things she used to do so I can treat her that way.
Having respect for yourself will enable people to have respect for you. Respect is earnt,mthese is nothing you can do apart of respect yourself, confidence within you to only tolerate respectful behaviour.Email or cake…
Well, cake if you’re sure you don’t want to hear from him there on after. It will show a scorned woman which isn’t so bad. It will be your final,farewell gift and if you’re ready to let him go forever then go ahead. Make sure there is treacle in it so it sticks! Hehe. It will be a very significant thing to do as it will degrade him and maybe it’s what you need to resolve your doormat issues. It’s your final laugh at his expense.
Maybe send the email first…if all else fails…CAKE!
As for
Thank you @mike2014 and @Belle !!
Email before cake is probably best, so I know what he really thinks unbiased from getting a cake in his face. Lol. Treacle will be used, or it will be a cream cake! I think I really need to get a laugh from all this.
I’m feeling antsy about it because it’s tearing me up inside imagining him being high on his pedestal, having forgotten about me and only viewing me as ‘nothing’ when the thought of me appears in his mind.
But as I am keeping NC there isn’t much I can do about it anyway, apart from hope the email facilitates some sort of respect.
I can’t imagine my NC alone makes him respect me as I think I’m the last thing on his mind, that he’s only happy I’m out of his life. He isn’t reaching out so I won’t have an option of cutting off his ability to treat me like that. Guess I have to be patient about it… Hmmf!!Having a very emotional day so far.
How is your day getting on Belle? How are you?
Hi all. I like the idea of NC support. I really need that now. I was in a relationship for the past 8 years. We recently broke up. We had been having some differences about family matters I don’t have kids, he has a daughter. I stepped over the line, I know it, and told him his daughter needed to be taught better manners and to start taking responsibility for her actions. Bad move. Everyone in his family always warned me never to say anything bad about the daughter – ever! He even stopped talking to his father because his father criticized the fact that his daughter left a mess in the bathroom and didn’t bother to pick it up. Either way, it doesn’t matter now. The whole thing snowballed and he said he was done.
So here I sit, 3 weeks later… trying not to call or text. I was silent the first week. Thinking he just needed time to cool off and we could talk it out. But then he changed his status to single. I called then and he told me he was done and he couldn’t be with someone who didn’t like the way he raised his daughter. I tried explaining what I meant by my comments but he didn’t want to hear it. He yelled more, and had me in tears on his front porch.
Yes, I did everything the books tell you not to do. I begged, cried, pleaded, promised, called, texted…
I saw him 3 days ago when I had to pick up a check from his house. He said he didn’t hate me, he has no regrets about our past, but he just can’t be with anyone right now. He said that someday he hopes we could just be friends, but understands that he cannot be in a relationship with me now because we are to different. He said he gave 110% to trying to make the relationship work and he feels I didn’t give that back. Then he closed the door.in the past 3 days I’ve read 3 books on getting over your ex and how to get them back and all say no contact for at least 30 days. So technically today is day 3. It’s not easy. I tried making lists for his good points and bad points. I’ve tried thinking about how he yelled at me. I’ve tried digging up any bad thing I can think of just to get me from not texting, calling, or just bringing him a coffee.
it sucks.Aphrodite,
Today is ok, I’ve a busy day ahead so my mind will be occupied. I’ve drafted the letter I will give him tomorrow so later shall go through it again and write it out in my best handwriting! Might use fountain pen… That’s me you see… Class. Doubt anyone else has done that for him to be honest and never will so it will be noticed!
I’m feeling better about tomorrow. He’s a twat for blanking me and not letting me text him though!Hope your emotional day gets better. atea will wake up soon, Mike will have a hangover so doubt we will see him for a day or two! Lol
Mellen3869
Tricky one with kids. All I know I’ve an 11 year off who I’m so protective over, his real dad has never been on the scene but my ex was stand in dad. My ex could not discipline my boy, but saying that my son is extraordinarily well behaved and never needs telling off. He’s ultra sensitive though and gets upset easily with negative words.
Anyway, he is everything to me and of anyone says anything I don’t like to him I can’t tolerate it. My ex would be very understanding though,meh worked abroad so not around all the time so it’s very different when you all life together all the time.I’m out of a 8 yr relationship and my ex has too said we have different needs now which is rubbish, it’s his way of a get out clause. Lots of issues with him and I but however I wouldn’t take much notice in what your ex says to you. It’s early days and you need to let the dust settle. Things are said that aren’t meant so please take everything he says with pinch of salt.
Carry on NC, you’ve great you’ve done really well.Carry on with self improving because that what really comes out with NC.
I’ve discovered loads about myself and it’s def a step forward.Welcome @Mellen3869
You are not alone here in having been broken up from a relationship of many years!
I can completely see how it must have been difficult for you without being able to utter your opinions on how he is raising his child, and he seems very stubborn and to break up with you over that is rather petty, which makes me think there were other reasons. I don’t think I would like someone else telling me my parenting wasn’t up to standard either. I think it’s all in the ways we say it and not necessarily the information. Most people are only motivated to change from their own reasons and not the reasons imposed on them by others. Therefore you could perhaps ask him (next time), “how are you planning to raise your daughter so that she will take responsibility in life?”, this way he will start thinking about it and come up with his own reasons. I know, easier said than done when in the heat of the moment! I used a lot of wrongful communication with my ex where I would say things like “How could you do this to me!?” instead of “what benefits do you think your behaviour right now has on our relationship?”. I’m planning on becoming a master of good communication!
It’s going to be hard! There’s no easy way to do NC! But if you have a plan and make sure you have tools available it will get easier. Your plan should be to improve yourself, so write down a list of what you want to improve and how to go about it, and give it a realistic deadline! As for tools, they may be people you can talk to, journaling, meditation, yoga, writing on this forum, distracting yourself, or perhaps expressing yourself creatively. As Belle said you will learn so much about yourself and relationship during the NC period, so although it will hurt, it will be be a very good teacher! Congratulations on day 3!
Fountain pen! Classy indeed!
Happy to hear you’re keeping busy and feeling better about tomorrow! And yes him blanking you is rather unnecessary and mean.Thank you for saying I’m doing well! I really don’t think I am though, my feelings are still eating me up from the inside! However I am happy I’ve started exercising and that my sleep has returned to normal. How are you today?
I just realised I missed out on a post from you! Apparently I’m not getting email notifications for everything so I will just be looking at the thread from now on!
I completely understand how what your friend said made you sad. I think that in our lives we will have many loves, and they will all be different from the others, there will always be something to miss when we loved and lost someone. That being said, what is true for your friend will not necessarily be true for you! It could be that your friend never truly healed and found happiness within himself before going into a new relationship.
Now think about this… If that’s the way most people think about their first loves, what’s to say your ex isn’t going to feel that way about you also? We don’t know what the future holds for us. You could meet someone that will make you happy your ex broke up with you, some time may pass and you could reconcile with your ex, or you could carry the sadness for years. Really anything is possible, but all we can do is try to control our future as much as we can. I don’t think we can fully appreciate someone new until we have healed from our exes. This isn’t done by going out and trying to patch the pain up by meeting others, it’s done by loving ourselves and recognising that we CAN thrive on our own.
I think part of your ambivalence is from not knowing whether you can do more about the situation or not. I think, it’s always better to do more than regret not doing more later on!
If she has truly made up her mind, then you have nothing to loose anyway. Forget about pride and potential embarrassment: if you want her, you will regret not acting more than trying. Right now I think you aren’t acting due to fear – fear of rejection again. I don’t think we should make decisions based on fear. You have already done many nice things for her!! But perhaps you need that one last try to see if there is any hope left at all.Also don’t worry about calling me a doormat! Lol. It WAS a doormat, but I AM NOT anymore:)
You said respect is a two way street… Well after the break up, I told him I don’t have any respect for him. Which is true. But in the sense that I don’t respect how he treated me, as I can fully respect other aspects of him as a person. Maybe I should clarify that to him, but at the same time I don’t think he deserves my respect right now…
Thank you very much for the tips on the email. I was planning on writing one straight from the gut – then translating it into something more respectable, level headed and gracious, and send the second version off. It will take a lot of time. When I think it’s ready, I will wait and re-read it in a few days until I feel everything has been said, but in the best way possible. My biggest challenge will be to hold off on trying to have a go at him and just rant about how much he’s hurt me. I can do that later, with cake, if necessary.
Oh, and you write very well for a drunk! Hope you’re feeling alright today!
Being a sobbing mess today. I really feel like I went through a loophole and ended up in the wrong reality! My mind knows why he isn’t contacting me, but my heart is in disbelief. This all feels so wrong!!!! How can it not feel wrong for him?!
He made a HUGE mistake in breaking up and sooner or later he will realise that.I kinda have a slight problem…when me and my ex met 8 years ago I told her that my ex cheated on me…. But I really could not tell her the truth cause we were really happy together. But now that we are broken up I really need to tell her the truth cause I have really learned to open up now. That was one of the problems I had during our relationship. What happened with my ex was that she was killed in a head on collision with a guy screwed up on pills. I was a total mess when it happened. Going to work drunk. I went to her funeral drunk. I made sure I had a bottle of some type of liquor behind my seat in my truck at all times. I want to tell her but I am in day 15 in NC. I really need to get this off my chest. Especially after being together after 8 years.
Not a good day today. I have a lot to do, but I know he is having a yard sale today, and I just want to go over and see him. I know I cant, but my mind won’t let go of him.
hard to focus.
had to breathe.
I know this feeling fades with time – but it’s overwhelming now.@aphroxide
yes, I know what I said and how I said it was wrong. I know. Trust me if I could take it back and change things, I would. I’ve told him such. And yes, there were other issues over the years. The process of getting to know each other and understanding differences. We have worked very hard on understanding these differences..at least I had and thought he was too. however, now he says he is done trying.. it’s too hard.
I have done the begging and pleading and asked him how he could just give up… but he only says he is done.
It makes no sense to me.
So here I sit. Trying not to think of him. Trying not to call.
I miss him. It’s that simple. I miss us.Just wanted to let everyone know I will be very busy the next couple of days. I’ll get back to you all whenever I can. Stay strong folks! x
so much to catch up on wow!!!
@mike2014, what your friend said is EXACTLY what scares me. i know I’m young and i don’t doubt that eventually i can find someone who makes me happy to marry, but i truly was and still am so in love with my ex. i do believe he’s the love of my life and I’m scared no one else will ever measure up. as for your situation, PLEASE tell her how you feel. don’t fear rejection. don’t dwell on the past. you are clearly so in love with this girl. you’ve had time to recognize your mistakes and realize that you CAN be ok without her but you will be happier with her in your life. you can’t change her mind but you can tell her how you feel. its been enough time and i fear you will always regret not giving it all you have. lay it all on the table for her – how much you love her, where you went wrong, what you’ll do different. don’t beg but be honest. you will always be left wondering if you don’t.it sounds like what you and your ex had was a truly special relationship and they don’t come around too often. please don’t let it go so easily!!!
@aphrodite, i think you absolutely at some point need to send the email (and before the cake)! you’ve come such a long way since the breakup. you are a strong person with great intentions who deserves to be loved and appreciated to the fullest extent. even if he never comes back he should know what a different person you have become from this and that you are way better than him!im glad you’re staying strong and busy – you really seem to have made so much progress! its ok to be emotional. your 30 days nc are almost done, but keep working on the email and wait until you’ve truly perfected it! then throw a cake in his face 🙂
@belle, im glad you’re staying busy today! and I’ve always been such a hopeless romantic – i absolutely love the idea of writing a handwritten letter like that. I’m looking forward to hearing how tomorrow goes with your ex!! its wonderful that your ex has always treated you like a true princess. i know you’ve made mistakes and blame yourself for some things, but please don’t let him punish you too much! apologize, own up to your mistakes, pledge to be more appreciative of him moving forward, but don’t let him call all the shots. you are both responsible for the ending of the relationship and if you get back together you will both be responsible for the reconciliation,i was feeling incredibly down this morning. i almost even picked up the phone and called my ex to ask him to meet up this week! i miss him so terribly. but i called a good friend instead and she talked me out of it. i really need to let him get on with this. he needs to come back solely if he’s taken the time away from me and dated other girls and feels positive I’m who he wants going forward. i have absolutely zero control over if and when this will happen. I’m trying my best to stick to nc to give him his space to explore and for my own healing. i believe i must leave all of this up to fate. he needs to come back on his own. its a frustrating feeling to feel i have no control and i wan thin back more than anything in the world, but if he comes back a moment too soon, he will leave again. now that i am 4 months in we both must stick this break up out unless we are absolutely positive we should be together. its difficult to not have a time frame. at some point in the spring/summer i will probably ask how he’s feeling again but he must only comes back if he’s confirmed his doubts. maybe he will meet a better girl for him but I’m very confident in the way i treated him and in our connection and i feel like overall I’m a pretty good catch 🙂 I’m not sure why things feel so sad again lately. i think it’s whenever i reach out and don’t get the answers i want. every time i feel like breaking nc i need to remind myself of this
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