-
Posts
-
Yes!! I very much wish we could all go on a much needed with vacation – with lots of wine! I still feel incredibly raw as well and it’s been almost exactly 4 months already. When I think back I guess I have improved with time but I still feel nowhere near moved on. I guess it really does take a long time! My mom says 7 years is hard for anyone to get over but especially at this age as I really don’t even remember life before him. I do think we all need to keep the hope though. We’ve all clearly been in special relationships and breakups weren’t due to infidelity so there’s always a chance.
I totally understand why you are nervous for Monday. I do believe he does want to see you deep down. I think the best thing to do is keep it brief and casual and I wouldnt bring up the relationship. I don’t think he will try to hurt you in person. It’s easy to say things over text or email but when looking someone in the eye that you truly care about, I find it really hard to just be rude. I think you will regret it if you cancel him coming over, but do what feels right to you. I will be on standby all day Monday checking this thread as always!! It’s funny, I find myself writing new thoughts and developments in here before I reach out to my friends! Hang in there. Try not to stress too much about Monday. Listen to the advice you gave me this morning about analyzing and worry and wondering doing no good. You can’t plan how he will act Monday but you can prepare yourself to be calm, cool, and collected. Wear something new and make sure you look your best!Hey ladies,
I’ve missed out! Lots to catch up on. I was a bit busy earlier.
I’m really feeling for you both! Atea I think the best you can do is to take things one step at a time. The only thing that will make you feel more level again is being with your emotions but not letting them control you completely, and time. You will begin to feel better, but for now I think it’s important that you grieve and allow yourself to go through what you’re going through.
Don’t worry about how you seemed in the last text. People tend to forget bad things and remember the good – so you will have every chance to re-write that in the future! You are one step closer to experiencing happiness without him, possibly even more happiness than with him.Thank you for encouraging me not to worry about the time window!
Haha when I talked to my ex it was also small talk or relationship talk. Somehow the in between is difficult!
I think it’s possible your ex always wanted this much time apart and to date or possibly get into something more serious, but because he felt guilty I think it’s taken him a while to express it so clearly. Just my thought.
@Belle I’m so sorry to hear you’ve been this upset! Remember to drink lots of water the next time you howl, so you won’t get a bad headache. It’s so exhausting I know, and I think his response today was rather unfair, mean and unnecessary.
Yes it is ridiculous that we can obsess this much over one person, but also completely understandable.Haha I laughed a lot at the idea of him showing up to tumble weeds rolling and a song like that!!
I agree with atea however that it would only worsen things to call it off now. Just act gracefully! And approach him with an understanding attitude.Thanks for the encouragement about my situation Belle, I’ll be continuing LOA to see what opportunities open up for me.
I know how you felt about going into overdrive when you checked his Twitter. Best not to look! When you feel like your life is revolving around him, try to do something practical or mentalise that you are placing your mind out of his head and back into yours! Focus on what you see around you, or practice a sort of mindfulness where you just let your thoughts come and go but your anchor is a place of silence and peace.
Ladies we do have to hit rock bottom! Actually a few rock bottoms! But it’s from those pits that we can climb up higher than we were before! Bare that in mind:)
Something I’ve been thinking…
When we exercise, what happens is we put a load of strain and stress on our muscles. This lets our bodies know that in order to manage the same task next time, it needs to grow stronger. In the same way, I think that if we allow ourselves to really FEEL our emotional pain, our bodies will in turn respond by realising it has to adapt so that next time we won’t feel as hurt. Everyone has always been amazed by how much my mother can tackle in life. What she has done to tackle hard times is that she has periods of completely and entirely releasing all her pain. I used to think she was so depressed as she cried so often, but it’s just that she lets it out when it’s there, and leaves it behind after. I really believe this to be her recipe for success. In our society isn’t not common practice to walk around sobbing your eyes out, but we can do it in our own homes – and I think that’s the healthiest thing we can do.
Our bodies are constantly adapting to our external environment in every way. When the light goes out, our eyes adapt by swapping from colour-vision to light-sensitive vision in order to tackle the problem of reduced visibility. So to me it doesn’t make sense that our emotional systems wouldn’t work in the same way if we allow ourselves to feel the pain, and also very importantly, the possible hidden roots from our childhoods that make it worse. At some point we do become all “cried out”, a point where we just can’t get ourselves to cry about it anymore and our thoughts naturally drift away from the problem towards other things. Our bodies are doing everything they can to adapt to our situations and problems, so trust your bodies, be kind to them and listen to them. We don’t have to be steered by the buzzing thoughts in our heads, but we can find the quiet within and just let ourselves feel and grieve – knowing our bodies will receive the message and make us stronger.
@aphrodite, its interesting you should say that about my ex. its funny our last “break” before this real breakup was two summers ago – summer of 2013. he ended things at the end of may but we only didnt talk for maybe a week. from there we did keep in contact. finally i told him i wanted to stop talking as it was confusing me and he begged me not to and told me talking to me was helping him and we were on the right path to being together. we continued talking but not really being together for maybe 2 months. during this time we didnt see each other much except for brief lunches, coffees, etc. about 2 months in we started to really see each other again and i asked what he wanted from all of it and he said to get back together. and i must say in the year and few months following that break our relationship really had never been stronger. he was amazing to me all of last year – we never fought, he was caring, kind, etc. we were more in love than ever. he was seeing a girl briefly in the two months we were apart last year. she lives overseas and he met her while traveling so they only actually spent a week or two together but kept in touch a bit after. its funny he had told me being with her for a bit showed him how much deeper everything he had with me was. but i do think maybe a part of him wished we wouldve kept up the break up longer last time. we really spoke all day everyday during so it was kind of expected that we would get together at the end of it. it wasnt a “clean break” so i think his vision was tinted. this time, i think he really wants a clean break without much talking and with enough time away to really be without each other. i think he was very honest in that he wasnt sure if he would casually date, seriously date, etc. during this time but i think he really feels its necessary to take significant time and truly see our lives without each other. he told me if we get back together after this it will be because he KNOWS so i guess he really must take the proper time to figure it out. and i think its impossible to define “proper” time, for some maybe its a few months, for others, maybe a few years. its best i dont guess. i think knowing myself i wont believe that it is truly over unless i see him dating someone else seriously or unless i begin dating someone else seriously. so until then i really need to relax, not plan, and hope for the best. i know what a great connection and relationship we had and if he finds better than that, i will truly have to be happy for him because he would have found something really special then.
i also really agree with what you said about the emotions. its funny i asked one of my best friends if she was tired of hearing me complain about this situation yet and she said no because youre going to get to a point where youre tired of crying, tired of talking about it, and genuinely feel ready to let it go. if our exes dont come back, we will all get to that point. but we cant force it. it will have to come naturally over time and will probably hit each of us at different points. for now venting and talking about it is helping me process it i guess. also by the way, my ex and i had been long distance for 4 years of our relationship, and last year we were semi-long distance – about an hour apart and seeing each other most weekends. my ex broke up with me around the time he turned 23, we finally moved to the same city, and he really started his career. i think a lot of it was growing pains as well and it hit him that we are growing up and it will never get easier to explore so we need to do it now as we’re not getting any younger.
If he doesn’t reach out by the summer, and if I have decided I won’t try to reach out or reaching out has failed, I’m going to get a cake decorated very pretty that says either “Goodbye” or “Goodbye %#!#”, knock on his door and throw it in his face, and walk away. I can’t really accept the fact that he didn’t give me a goodbye, after all those years, treating me badly, messing up my potential future and leaving. I recognise I played a part in it all – but how disrespectful isn’t it that he couldn’t even give me a goodbye?!
@aphrodite, I love that plan!!! I think you should throw it in his face! I think you seem to be doing so much better and really have made such a big turn around. Hoping I can catch up to you soon 🙂
Just in from an evening with my neighbour, I’ve lots to catch up on but I just wanted to say that my neighbour thinks when he comes on Monday that I give him a letter to read on the plane, my feelings, how sorry I am things are like this to un appreciating him and the way forward. She said if I think it’s worth it then really make him think that I’m 100% dedicated with therapists etc.
It made me feel better about Monday anyway.
I shall be nice and polite and give him the letter which I will write by hand! I better get pen to paper!
Shall catch up tomorrow ladies as head is banging from today, I shall read up and be back tomorrow.
Take care ladies 🙂
i think thats a good plan, @belle. follow your heart and tell him how you really feel. at least thats how i feel. i don’t want to drive my ex away but also don’t want to regret not expressing to him completely how i feel. i think its a great idea 🙂
Hello all,
Had a chance to read some of your posts from last few dates.
Belle and Aphrodite I’m kind of confused. You both seem to want to apologize to your exes. From what you have been saying since Iv been reading your stories I would think it’s your exes who should be apologized to you for their actions post and pre break up. Don’t deflect blame on yourselves.
In my situation I was the one who was broken up with and for significant reasons. I was the one who towards the end who neglected her,stopped showing her how much I cared,and didn’t do the small things. She told me once and many times towards the end that she felt she was putting more into than me. I can’t disagree with her…I got complacent. People don’t just make a decision to end things over night. This was something she probably been thinking about for months and honestly I can pin point exactly when it started. I don’t deserve her now because of my actions. I might not have been as bad as most guys, but in my ways I was far from the best.
It seems like in your situations your exes are me in my situation accept I didn’t break up with her. You guys seem to be the people who put a lot into and were caring while they took advantage of your love and didn’t treat you both the best. I don’t understand why you feel like you need to apologize at all.
Sometimes I wish my ex would forget my negative attributes and times I wasn’t my best and want to come back, but I know she is stronger than that. She doesn’t have anything to apologize about and from what you gals have said don’t think y’all do either.
I could be wrong and not remembering what you both did that would have been wrong though.
I just feel like if a girl for some reasons likes a guy they accept being treated like crap and a doormat. They make excuses for the guy. All my friends wives do this. They say, well that’s just how guys are. That is BS. They treat them like that cause they know they can. My ex would always be like I’m happy you aren’t like that. But she would say I know you aren’t perfect either with a smile on her face.
Their is this girl Iv know for awhile and we hooked up a few times this summer. I don’t find her that attractive at all and told her I wouldn’t date her. She still wanted to hook up. I would never reach out to her or initiate conversations and even told her to stop texting me. She would still text me every few weeks, sometimes I would respond with just one word responses. I used to laugh, because she would be the one to apologize to me and think it was her making mistakes. She texted me the last two nights to hang out. I told her I would maybe come over at 9, I didn’t show up. She texted me today to apologize for who knows what she was talking about and asked to hang out tonight. I just responded no…she said sorry to bother you but why. I said I go out on Saturdays. It’s unbeleivable what’s going on in her head…she is allowing herself to be a doormat.
Oooh nooo @mike2014 !
I’m completely done being a doormat forever!!! Did you read my post about my plan to throw a cake in his face? Anyway, I’m planning on doing that if nothing good has happened until the summer.
I completely and entirely recognise what you’re saying, and I used to be that type of girl – but I will never allow myself to be that again. I don’t think I have said anywhere that I wanted to apologise to him. I don’t have anything to apologise for!
That being said, I completely recognise, as you said about your friends wives, that it was me who allowed his behaviour to continue. In that way it was my fault, because he got away with it without too many consequences. In the email I might send to him, I will write that I realise I was responsible for what he did to me because it happened and I didn’t leave him for it, but rather taught him that he could get away with it, and that I will never allow myself to be treated like that by anyone ever again.I have completely recognised that everyone we meet are “blank canvases”, and through our boundaries and positive reinforcement we teach them how they are and aren’t allowed to treat us. This was a huge lesson for me. I would never give him proper consequences apart from tell him how hurt I felt, which didn’t do much, and because he got away with so much he stopped respecting me – much like I bet you have little respect for the girl who is apologising to you for you not showing up! I’m not deflecting the blame on myself, but in an empowering sense I am seeing that I am responsible for how people treat me in life.
Another thing I recognise was that I wasn’t praising his good behaviour enough. That’s not something I will apologise for, but I may state it as a fact in the email.
I also wasn’t being my interesting self the last couple of years of the relationship. I wont apologise for that or even bring it up, but I hope I can put something in the email that intrigues him about me, in a subtle way.And you’re right, I was completely taken advantage of. It sickens me that I wasn’t more aware of it at the time and that I didn’t stand up for myself. I was too afraid of loosing him to stand my ground – and not realising that if I had stood my ground he may have wanted to be with me more! Haha.
I have also learned that if a guy is drifting, the worst thing you can do is run after him and try to shower him with gifts (like I did… *facepalm*), but instead I should have acted like I was absolutely fine and not afraid of loosing him at all. I have learned so much from this, and in many ways I’m so ashamed of myself for having had such low self-respect but it has roots in my upbringing and these lessons needed to be learnt once and for all. It makes me sick to think how little he respects me, and I have no idea how to rewrite that and make him respect me again – do you have any ideas?? Perhaps I should just go straight for the cake in face, and write the email at a later point? I may have a chance to throw a cake at him in February.
Did you do any large romantic gestures for your ex after the break up?
I’m sorry but I need to vent lol,
I sit here just got home from going out to the bar/club. I just feel like I been strong, but still at times feel sad. My friend I go out with every weekend asks me how my ex is and if we are still talking. He says you just seen her not too long ago. He told me something that is upsetting. He told me that even though he is married two years that he still loves his first girl. He said even though he is happily married he still misses the girl he dates from 16-23. He said your first love will never die with you. He told me that he understands how I feel when I hook up with another girl and you feel like it’s just not right. He said it is going to tAke me forever to really get over her. He knew her pretty well and knew how I felt about her. I feel like I really messed this all up cause of my stupidity. its crazy and it brings me back to being unsure of what I should do. Honestly, I feel like I can’t reach out and explain my side after all this time anymore. The girls I see at the club just don’t give me hope.
For those that lurk…. Your opinion is not needed
Morning all and thank you mike for the input, it’s all very interesting.
I know at the moment my ex is treating me like a doormat. That’s for sure and he’s getting off on it.
I’m not sure what makes you believe he treated me like a door mat actually in the relationship, not sure what I’ve said.
While we were together he treatd me nothing but like a lady. He’s paid for loads of holidays, gifts and we were buying a house together. He’d make breakfast every morning, walk the dog and do nearly everything!
Underneath he had trust issues and used negative speech which had a negative effect on my abandonment issues.
One day he snapped, pulled out the house and from there on treated me like the devils spawn.
That is the reason I want to apologise. I guess I’ve no need but I think he needs to hear it.
I need him to realise that it’s his negative speech that has caused me to grab out to an ex. His trust issues couldn’t handle that.So, really I know I’ve not too much to apologise for but I think it just needs to be said. I’ve nothing to lose and all to gain.
Aphrodite’s situation is different as she really was being used by a door mat whilst in the relationship.
If my vision is clouded then really my ex has brainwashed me but all I remember is generally he treated me like a princess. He has his own demons though that he’s taking out on me now which he needs to be addressed.
I’m pretty drunk as I write this but I will respond anyway,
To answer your last question first,
Yes I did do romantic gestures the first two months. She even said wow you are doing nicer things for me know than you did the last year or two. I acknowledged her busy time at work and sent her alittle poem and gift card to her fav coffee shop. She said thanks so much and I didn’t know you were a poet lol. I sent her a gift card so she could buy a new dress for a big event at work which she was thrilled about. This is when we she were still texting me every day. It was at this time after the big event that she texted me to meet up and I layed it all on the line how much I wanted her back. I texted her when she was on TV as a presenter to tell her how beautiful she looked in her dress(she texted me back right away even though I’m sure she was busy). I’m alittle drunk so I will admit as I watched her on TV I actually shed a tear. 4 months later I sent her the flowers for her bday which she then showed me a month later when I came by and they were dead. Still not sure why she kept them. Honestly, I acknowledged my stupidity after the breakup and even a few weeks before and tried to pick up my affection. It was too late and I think she decided it was over last January(3 months before the breakup). She cried to me after showing me the flowers and said I can’t beleive all the nice things you have been doing for me. I think it was all to late and I made my bed well before this…I must sleep in this bed now every night.
Aphrodite I feel I’m sorry for my bluntness and inaccurate response to me saying you were a doormat. I misconstrued a lot of what I said I guess. Sorry!!
I understand that respect is a two way street. You can’t get respect unless you give respect. There were many times when I first embraced her the last year when we saw each other I would walk buy her and not give her a hug. I know now that hurt her. I gave her looks because she put on some weight…which hurt her. I just acted stupidly. With that said if he treated you unfairly HE needs to acknowledge his mistakes as a man. He needs to be willing to accept what he did wrong too. You can explain your side and what you felt you did wrong as well. Like I said its a two way street when it comes to break ups and respect. My problem is that I was the one who drifted and messed up and I acknkwlege all my ex did was care for me. She doesn’t have anything to apologize for seriously. That’s why I have bad days. I don’t know if I will meet someone like that again.
When it comes to the email… You have to think exactly what you want to say and the tone and message you want to put forth.I think that will take some time to decide how you want to word it. That is really a personal email between you and him. As you get stronger and feel unburdened the email will become easier to write. I think at times I’m not strong enough to really question her about a reconciliation. I now beleive reconciliation is something that has to be an agreement between both people where they both acknowledge what went wrong and accept to work on things and change for the better of the relationship. I know what I need to change to make mine better, but I don’t think my ex wants to put forward the energy to see if I really changed. I think she feels after our talks the past two years where we almost broke up if I can really change. I also think their are some things she needs to change. She was very non spontaneous and everything had to be scheduled (she was a planner).it got annoying to me that everything had to be pre planned and in her big calendar. I was loving in the bedroom but she wanted more romance outside of that. I think in my situation I need to change more than her.
I’m not sure if I correctly answered your questions, but I hope I did
Belle,
That makes complete sense then. I’m happy he treated you like a princess. That’s what you deserve and all self respecting woman. I’m sorry if my words were rude..last thing I want to do is upset you. You have been so nice to me!
It’s funny that you gals are just waking up and I’m just getting ready to call it a night. It’s after 3 in the morning where I’m at lol.
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.