NC support

@atea1234

That is impossible to say for sure of course, but I’ll tell you what I think.

I’m afraid it seems likely that this could take everything from 1-3 years. That would be my guess. But your highest chance of getting him back will be when he understands that he is in real risk of loosing you, which of course isn’t something you can fake – it has to be genuine. And in order for you to get to that point you will need to *completely* let go of him for a while. I know this will seem like an impossible task, but with NC it should get easier. You already know all that.

One thing I did, which you may be doing as well, is putting too much emphasis on the positive things he’s saying and letting it override the negative due to being too hopeful or just not comprehending that this is the reality of it.
For instance, he replied to your text saying its a bit of both. It’s both that he knows you’re the one and that he knows you aren’t. You seemed to focus more on the fact that he said he does know you are, rather than the fact that he has admitted he knows you aren’t at the same time. I would take this last bit quite seriously. Both because he did actually say this, and because you should so that you can realise a reconciliation won’t happen for a long time and thus he should be taken out of the equation. The fact stands that he doesn’t know if you are or aren’t the one because he has nothing to compare it to. But I don’t want you to get too caught up in that thinking once he has compared a bit he will realise you’re the one. I want you to realise he has actually told you that you aren’t the one. I think this may help you move forward better. If he can’t see that you are the one after all those years, what’s to say he will later on? You don’t have a guarantee. The best you can do is to grieve him, let him go completely, and build a life without him. I know you’re having a really difficult time, I’m feeling for you!

Just remember the boat isn’t so bad, it will take us places you couldn’t imagine! You’re stronger than you think, atea!

I’ve clocked it.

I’ve finally clocked it!!!!

Why I’m so in love with him. It’s all about the suspense and surprise.

He was always telling me he has something for me but can’t say what it is yet, making me wait, asking me to guess (I would get so fed up with having to guess stuff) – but everything created suspense and invoked curiosity. It is as if he made me believe I was curious about him by making me curious about other things. He did this TWICE in our last phone call, saying he knew a secret about someone he couldn’t tell me and making me guess stuff. He would also always surprise me with gifts or trips to see me (and I used to do the same but, funnily enough, stopped before it all went downhill). I became faaaar to unsurprising and non-mysterious! I also watched this reality show where a guy went for a girl that wasn’t his type AT ALL, and he didn’t even like her one bit at the start – but guess what – she kept surprising him with little thoughtful gifts and things he didn’t expect and he chose her! Now I know why!

Whoa what a brain wave!!

That’s the key. That’s maybe the main thing that has set him apart from everyone else (apart from a few other things of course like exceptional compatibility, being hilarious) If I ever reach out to him, I’ll give him a healthy dose of his own medicine *smirks*

Aphrodite “the suspense builder” out

Now where did that sleep go?

Haha,

Epiphany is right!
I am in better spirits! It could change tomorrow morning though who knows… These roller coasters go on and on. But it’s because I genuinely believe this is the key to it all. And with that key I do have a fighting chance of peaking his interest again, it’s given me confidence. Now my head is buzzing with ideas. And thinking there is just a minuscule chance makes me think Oh God, what am I going to talk about if I see him? I have to be adventurous so I have things to talk about lol! I’m going to sound like such a bore if I tell him what I’ve done up until this point!! And I guess even if it doesn’t work then at least I would have something to tell my other future dates (or cats). I’ve agreed with myself that I won’t reach out unless I have lots of exciting things to say, which probably won’t be for a while.. Gonna do some LOA on that and start saying yes to things when I’m more ready.

It may seem crazy but I really think that’s a big part of the puzzle! It was the lack of suspense and fact that everything was predictable that was the main cause of me loosing him! I just know it. I wasn’t intriguing or interesting anymore and he knew my every move before I did it. I had lost my own spark, and I want that back.

Atea I think he says something different each time you talk because he himself is confused about it, and he probably feels guilty and wants you as backup so he tries to sugar coat a few things as well.
I think him expecting you to be there when and if he’s ready is unrealistic, but he knew that and he still took the risk, also because he doesn’t think there’s too much of a risk that you will want someone else over him.
I think as Belle’s relationship with her old ex was unhealthy, she knows, after having healed, that it’s not what she wants anymore. That’s very different from your relationship!

I think your strict NC will make him wonder, but that isn’t why you should be doing NC now. It should be to learn how to manage and even thrive without him! I know what the gut feeling is like, I can’t shake it either, but it’s okay to just let it be there while you do all the steps to move on. You don’t have to do anything about it. If it feels right, then trust it, but make sure you do the steps necessary for you to feel happy and content independent of him.

No sleep for the wicked.

I need to tell @LAbound about my revelation. You there bud?

@atea1234

Thank you! Yes, I need to get my sparkle back for me! But even then, if the idea of seeing him is what motivates me, then that’s still fine because I will be doing things I should do anyway:)

The story of your friend’s cousin is very motivating! 6 months is a long time. A part of me worries that if I’m in NC for too long, then my critical phase for reconciliation will be over and he would have moved on too much. But I should not let my life be run by fear, my life should be run on my own terms and when I’m ready. The other story motivates me too, as it shows it is possible to work on yourself with the idea of impressing an ex – but instead getting to a point of being completely over them and finding someone new.

We both need to let go for our own benefits. I really love what you said: “hope in itself implies we wish something would happen – not that we expect it to”. That’s exactly it! It’s okay to have hope and still work on moving on and letting go!

I’m happy you will be posting in here if you get urges to contact him!
Yay new you!!! It’s great to change up appearances a bit, it makes it easier to move forward I think!

Yes you can do this! Don’t focus on the 95 days NC, try to forget about it as much as possible and just do one day at a time. I’ve forgotten what day I’m on but I’ll look it up – I’m on day 20. Ten days to go until I reassess whether to send the email or not.

My epiphany made me feel a lot more hopeful because now I feel there is something I can try to peak his interest, but everything else has to be in place also. I really have to be in a place where I’m genuinely happy about my life. So I shouldn’t get too excited as I still have a lot of work to do to get there.

@Belle where are you this morning?