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I don’t know.. But first consider what he may answer, and how you would feel if you get a bad answer. Maybe it’s better and would give you further clarification? Or maybe you would rather not know if he seems okay with the door slowly closing. It’s really your call, and I support you either way! Hope you feel better soon
Get it out your system Atea, I would. You’ve nothing to lose! That’s just my opinion. To be honest the way he has it at the moment, he’s got you as his fall back girl. It’s his lose right now and you deserve nothing but the best, your a lovely girl, so kind hearted. I hope he ends up with a dragon! Lol
Thanks for your advice!!! I’m going to send it to him. I want to get it out of my system and tell him how I feel and then I will truly try to move on and maybe down the road he will realize he was an idiot! Who knows, maybe by then I will have met someone even more wonderful! Thanks for the support today from both of you! I really don’t think I would’ve made it through the day without it!
We are here for you atea. I feel your pain, but it will go and you will be happy! In the mean time we are here all the way with you.
Try relax and watch a film, tv or something to get your mind off it once you’ve sent it. Remember drink lots of water as you’ve been crying lots today! Easy to forget to keep hydrated in times like these!
I’m off to get some sleep now but shall be back first thing in the morning.
Take care, lots of hugs xxx
@atea1234 !!!
I felt like I needed to reply to you, because in many ways we are in very similar situations. With just a few differences..In your situation I recognize the scenario that I so would have wanted. For my ex to just leave a door open, for him to say that he would like us to end up together, but he just needs a bit of time. But he REFUSED to say that even when I basically flat out asked him to. Because he didn’t want me to wait around, he also didn’t want me to kind of “own” him while he’s exploring those other options and the truth is, we just never know what the future holds. Frankly, I’m starting to believe he did me a favour. Because even if in many ways we were perfect for each other, the timing wasn’t perfect. And when the timing will be perfect for him, it might not be for me, or vice versa, and we will both most likely end up with people whose “calendars” match our own, even if they’re a less perfect match in other ways. And I think that’s very realistic. Because all it takes is 1) to fall in love, 2) for the timing to be right. That’s when you have the motivation to make a commitment to a person. And at that point, I doubt anyone (or at least I doubt any man would) think back to an ex that may have been a slightly better match for them. Because that’s just not on their horizon at that point in time. The importance of timing is so underrated! No one makes romantic comedies about that! It’s always about soul mates and destiny etc, but that’s not how the world works!
What I’m trying to say is that actually you’re in a really shitty position. You have the motivation to make a commitment, because the timing is right for you (or at least it’s not “wrong” for you), but he doesn’t. Maybe it’s because you’re a more confident person and you know what you want. I fear he may never actually get that kind of confidence which means he will just have to wait until the timing is right and he happens to fall in love..
So in a way, I don’t know how productive you waiting around will be. At the same time, I’m almost positive you wouldn’t get the answer you’re hoping for if you pose him with an ultimatum at this point. So it’s mostly a question of whether you’re ready to let go of the hope.. I feel like you were doing so well, because you had faith. But it’s so unfair for you to have to wait around like this. He’s waiting for something to “click” in him, but actually he might not know that that may never happen.. That’s another thing my ex said, that although we had agreed in the beginning that we both wanted to see other people at some point, he still kind of waited that maybe something would click for him and he wouldn’t need to anymore. But it just didn’t happen. Frankly, I don’t think it ever will. One moment the timing will just be right and he will be too tired of the single life and all his friends will be married, so he’ll just commit to whatever is on his horizon at that time.
So I’m not sure what my advice to you would be. If you do send him that letter, I fear you may not like his response and that will just feel like having your heart broken all over again. But waiting around with false hope is just as bad maybe. I sincerely hope your ex is not like mine and that he is capable of seeing a good thing and having the reaction that NORMAL people have, that when you’re about to lose something great, you fight for it. I really really hope so and that you two end up together. Or I’ll lose all faith in MANkind. 🙁
thanks @belle. i definitely needed to hydrate, i didn’t realize how exhausting crying really is! i have held off sending the long letter. i have it written so always can in the future – maybe i will in some days.
@unimare, thanks for your input. i actually respect that your ex just closed the door for you – its like he doesnt want you to wait around. i think my ex feels genuinely confused. i just question whether or not i really wanna be with someone going forward who could let me go so easily. an ultimatum would most definitely not work in this case. but i want him to fight for me. i agree with what you’re saying about timing and realistically that is probably what will happen. in a few years when he’s ready he will find someone he loves enough to commit to. i think when i finally do get over this and close the door for good, there will be no reopening it in the future. I’m not trying to wait around with false hope – maybe just the longer we are apart it will fade over time. i really don’t know – as he said its impossible to predict the future. i just need to be patientWoke up early from a dream about my ex. I was in hospital and we were arguing, and he was talking to me in the way he did during the break up period, where he would make me feel incredibly small.
It was horrible, and I was there trying to reconcile but tell him how upset I was that he hasn’t reached out yet – and just me saying this was upsetting to me made him flip. It reminded me of how this guy can’t handle me saying anything to criticise how he’s behaved towards me. It reminded me of how off the guy is, how he was so unfair. But it also made me feel soooo angry and upset that he can tell me he wants to be friends and that he will contact me and not do it!!! Clearly then, he isn’t thinking about me? Why on earth else would he say he’ll send me texts and then not do it? I’m so upset with his empty words!! It makes me feel worth so little, after all this time, I’m not even worth him following up on his word to text me about a practical matter.I feel sick, this dream just brought back all the feelings I had around the break up. Desperation and feeing soooo small and unimportant. How frustrating that a dream can bring me back there again as I was beginning to feel more confident. I am soooo upset with this guy, he is completely unreliable towards me and it makes me feel like he doesn’t give a rats ass about me. It feels so unfair.
Dreams (nightmares!) are all part of the break up grief. It can really knock you back. It’s quiet remarkable how intense the feelings that come out of dreams. It’s all part of the processing our minds go through and you, like we all will, get those dreams now and then. Be prepared for them mentally the next day. It’s just the mind playing tricks but it’s necessary for the brain to do it. If we are thinking about our ex’s most the day it will carry on in the brain even when we are asleep!
There could be many reasons he’s not contact you. Guilt, fear, sadness…could be a multitude of reasons.
If you think about it,if you broke up with someone and they really didn’t want to break up in return how would you feel about making contact? Chances are you wouldn’t, you know if would give hem false hope. In my case my ex is angry, he’s had no reason at all to contact me because his anger over rides everything, even rationality.How are you feeling now?
Today, I’m not feeling too great. I just think my ex will be angry forever more and realise that it’s a too uphill battle with me.
Even though I’m communicating with him and explaining the reasoning and opening him up to different thoughts to everything and how there is a possibility if everything is addressed we could work out of effort is put in, I just think his frame of mind is too negative.
He’s supposed to be calling round on Monday morning for 5 mins but I half expect him not to come. I’ve not told my son anything about him coming just in case it doesn’t happen.
I feel like I’m pushing for something that he’s got no interest in.Atea, how are you today? Oh I forgot… You’re sending the Zzzzzz’s up over the pond.
It’s awful how dreams can tear up old wounds like that. It was like being right back in the situation of us arguing during the break up – but I guess it made me understand that I really won’t get anywhere by letting him know that his lack of contact bothers me – as in the dream I was telling him this and asking why he hasn’t reached out and he just blew me off saying “I’m not even going to answer that”. It just feels so hopeless, like there is nothing I can do at all to make him want me back.
I can’t be needy, I can’t tell him I’m frustrated and angry with him, and clearly acting friendly and cool didn’t work either.I’m going to struggle with my resentment for how he behaved, but I know it won’t make a difference if I write him a letter saying how upset I am about everything. He will only think “thank god I’m done with that drama”. I feel so stuck and like there is nothing I can do to get him back or to get over this hurt and anger! Last time I tried to talk to him about how upset I am he told me to go talk to a therapist about it. His behaviour towards my emotions regarding his behaviour is really oppressive.
I’ve got all these feelings of injustice and unfairness simmering inside but I can’t get them out because he will just stonewall me and it will just feed his reasons not to want to be with me.
Feeling frustrated and stuck with these emotions today! And he’s probably having a great day having moved on so much that I don’t even enter into his thoughts at all.
I don’t think guilt, fear or sadness is the reason he hasn’t contacted me. He said he would, from his own initiative. He asked me if it was okay for him to and I say yes. If I broke up with someone and said I would contact them, the last thing I would do is break that promise and make them feel even more ditched. There’s no false hope risk when we were talking about how I’ve laid my gut feeling to rest (about us getting back together) and he said he would get in touch. I really don’t think that’s it, I think he has genuinely forgotten, and that its just so far down on his priority list.
I know the reason your ex isn’t contacting you is because of anger, but I don’t think that’s the same with my ex. I really think it’s because he couldn’t care less, and that was his type of behaviour around the break up as well. He spent our last weekend together going to a friend’s and left me alone in his house the whole weekend after the break up, knowing we would not see much of each other ever again in our lives. He doesn’t give a rats ass about me and I have to realise that 🙁 It hurts like hell, but I really think it’s the truth and that I have to face it. Feeling desperate and crying
How are you today?
Aphrodite,
Trust me, I’ve met some arseholes in my life and Jeeze, best off out of it if that how he treats you. Some people are really horrendous. They’ve no morals, no principles and are there just for there own self. You’re lucky you do t have kids with this guy because that would have been a whole lifetime stuck with him and constant reminders of how selfish he can be.
Once a guy has a new move interest they can (not all) drop their kids and everything else is a priority. Seen it time over. My ex is one. He met me and suddenly his kids were second best. I remember his ex messaged me because he hadn’t seen his kids for a while and she was concerned.
I’m surprised I don’t really hate men to be honest. There are true arseholes out there in between the gems and that’s what makes me go on.I left a post a few up from this one about my feelings today… Why is everything so hard. Feeling cheesed off today!
@aphrodite, so sorry to hear about your dream. i still have dreams about my ex often and they’re usually about us being happy and together and when i wake up and realize it isn’t real life, its absolutely unbearable so i know the pain you’re in. i also really don’t think your ex has forgotten you. i think after so much history he is just sure that you two can’t be friends and he knows you’re probably still emotional so he doesnt want to send any mixed signals and complicate the situation. after 10 years theres no way he’s just forgotten, he probably just thinks its best for now. in a way its a good thing as whenever i talk to my ex my emotions end up all over the place.
@belle, i think you are handling your situation very well. its tough to be patient, but your ex seems to be opening up to you and thats wonderful. its all about taking small, baby steps. but he doesnt seem closed off to a reconciliation so thats a positive.i feel absolutely horrible today. i barely slept at all. i have the knot in my stomach i had for the first two weeks following the breakup. i didn’t send the long letter as I’ve sent many in the past and didn’t want to stir up more drama. i did send a text last night just apologizing for reaching out and that I’m just trying to put it all behind me and he’s told me a lot of different reasons for the break up and I’m just trying to piece everything together – he didn’t answer. there is really nothing else to talk about. I’m not sure why his text yesterday impacted me so much. i knew he wanted to break up so he could date others to confirm if I’m “the one”. but for a long time he just wanted to be alone and i think now he is maybe feeling ready to enter the dating scene. regardless i knew all along this would last a really long time before we ever were to reconcile (if that happened) because he did want to date others and because if he commits to me again he has to know its for the long haul. anyway my plan as of now is to be in nc indefinitely unless he contacts me. i don’t think he will for a while because the wounds are still fresh. I’m 95 days away from my birthday so if he reaches out then maybe ill get the chance to meet up with him in person and discuss. regardless i need to do my best to move on. he’s gonna come back or not based on his own internal feelings and not based upon my behavior, but nc is probably necessary for my own healing. i wont beg or tell him how sad i am as it will only push him further away. so for now its nc indefinitely. i have no idea why i feel so far back to square one as nothing has really changed. he just told me he wasn’t sure whether or not i was the one (something he said on day 1). its not like he told me he knows I’m not. and he did say maybe hell date others and realize how special our relationship was. either way I’ve seen firsthand how talking to him really is harder than nc so thats my plan as of now. I’m unhappy that we aren’t on the best of terms but oh well – i don’t really think it makes a difference at the end of the day
so he just responded by saying i should never apologize and he’s sorry if he’s been misleading. he said he’s not sure if seriously dating other people is in his future of if he may just wanna date casually for a little while. but he doesnt want either of us to restrict ourselves to what could happen and that was the point of the breakup to just allow ourselves to be open to what could happen. i responded and said I’m happy we can be on friendly terms and i didn’t mean to open this conversation but i just did the other night as my friend was telling me his girlfriend wasn’t “the one” and he knew it deep down so i just wanted to know if he felt that way about me. i told him our relationship set the bar high so i know all this pain is temporary and either casually dating will make us appreciate the relationship or maybe we will find something better out there. and he’s right that its all about timing if were both gonna feel the same way in the future. and i told him its hard for men because i plan things far in advance and am very impatient but I’ve been making a huge effort to let things unfold naturally and i keep telling myself whatever is meant to be will be so it will all work out in the end either way and i thanked him for always responding to me and said i never want us to be on bad terms.
so at least i feel positive about heading into this next round of nc. i will stay there indefinitely unless he reaches out to me. i know we had a really great relationship and i have a hard time believing hell find something to top it but who knows?! maybe he will!
That’s exactly him, just out there for himself. He comes across as the nicest, most genuine person on the planet, but he has a rotten core (I feel bad saying that, but it’s the truth from my perspective). Most people would think I was the one lying if I said how he’s behaved towards me (I have no where near mentioned the worst things on this forum) Whenever I saw glimpses of this core I would dismiss them because it just didn’t add up with how amazing he could be. Thing is, he’s only amazing if it benefits him. The second he has nothing to gain, if he’s pushed or really drunk, his dark sides come out. He’s a master strategist and honestly I think he plays people as bricks in a game. It has frightened me on so many occasions now incredibly cold he could be. I really wish I could figure him out, and I kept looking for the core within the core – something good but just very frightened, but sometimes I could not find it, and it doesn’t justify his behaviour either way. I feel so bad writing all that, but it’s the truth from my perspective. I am always looking for the good in him and any reasons he may act as he does sometimes, but it’s hard when I can’t find any reason other than that he’s very selfish.
You’re right – I’m lucky we didn’t end up having kids! But at the same time I wish we did, as being in different countries there is no reason I should ever see him again now. Perhaps that’s good but I can’t see it yet. It’s so hard that I still love him so much. His bad sides were definitely in minority but came out more and more towards the end, as he cared less and less for me. I don’t know how it’s possible to love someone who doesn’t care about you and has hurt you so much.
I guess it was the intense attention he gave me when he did care, and now I feel sick thinking someone else will have that, and I’m imagining his bad sides won’t come out if he finds someone he deems worth only being good to.It’s really quite fascinating how your ex could do that to his own kids. I know someone else who has done that too! I definitely think my ex had a new interest and that’s why he dropped me, stopped caring and lost the will to be kind. I want to call him out on it but he would just lie to me and say he’s happy we’re no longer together – as I was always thinking he was cheating (I had very good reasons).
Why am I pining for someone who clearly doesn’t give a rats ass?! Argh!!!!!!!!!!!! I’m also feeling guilty for writing all this stuff about him online.
What makes you think that your ex believes it’s too much of an uphill battle? I think your thoughts may be your enemy today Belle! I really didn’t get that impression from what you said.
I think his frame of mind is only negative because he wants to punish you a bit more before accepting you back. I also think it’s a good thing you are half not expecting him to come on Monday, because if I’ve learnt anything it is that expectation leads to hurt!
I don’t at all think you are pushing for something that he doesn’t have an interest in, he just doesn’t want to show you he’s interested because then he wouldn’t have you on your toes as punishment – AND he would risk rejection again. This is his protection mechanism, Belle!!Those dreams are horrible too, when you wake up and realise you’re not together. Luckily I haven’t had many of those. Atea, he is the one that has said on numerous occasions that he wants to be friends! So it’s not that he knows we can’t. Also he won’t be afraid of sending mixed signals when one of the texts he said he would send was strictly practical, and I gave him permission to text me after he asked. The theory of him not texting due to being afraid of giving me mixed signals thus doesn’t hold up for me. I appreciate what you’re saying but I don’t at all think he is holding back texting for the sake of my emotions. I’m afraid the truth is that he’s preoccupied and I’m the last thing on his mind right now. That’s something I have to face, because I know it’s true. It sucks like anything, but this guy is someone who would, without a shadow of a doubt, reach out if he wanted to.
Awww Atea I don’t think you should apologise for reaching out!! You’re putting him on the pedestal by doing that, and placing yourself very low. He did this to you, he should completely accept that you have questions and you should not have to apologise for that!!!
I think the text impacted you a lot because you were expecting that he would be done with his exploring sooner than this. I think you going NC indefinitely will help you. You have some healing to do.I’m feeling so desperate and upset today, like I’m flipping out. I really want to call him and rant at him, but of course I won’t. The very point of my dream was to tell me that criticising his behaviour isn’t going to get me anywhere but will only cause me more hurt as he will dismiss me. Sometimes I do just want to say it all to him, even though I’m positive it will burn all possible future bridges. Maybe I should… I won’t now, but maybe when 30 days NC is done. I don’t want to have these feelings pestering inside me either! Maybe I should stop living in fear, and right now I’m not saying what I want to say out of fear that he won’t want me if I do! But what have I got to loose, he already doesn’t want me ever again.
Ugh these thoughts are just spiraling constantly today and I can’t seem to distract myself from them
@aphrodite, i feel like i keep unintentionally creating drama! as far as exes go i really can’t complain. although he broke up with me and doesnt want to reconcile – he always answers my texts, he’s always honest about how he’s feeling, and he really doesnt try to send me mixed signals at all. so i know i need to take him off the pedestal but sometimes i feel badly. how many times can you ask the same question?! i feel like ill be ok for a couple weeks and then its like i always check in and say is anything changing?! he hates drama so i know he probably cringes getting these paragraph long texts about me spilling my emotions. the bottom line is he wants time to explore. he has no idea if he will want a serious relationship and meet someone great or if he will date around for some time and appreciate me in the end. i think he wants me to be happy regardless of whether or not were together. i need to stick to nc because it benefits my healing. i have no doubt if i was actually able to stick to it for a couple of months that he would reach out some point. you were right in what you said in the beginning, he needs to feel like he’s losing me. and the only way to send that message now is to just go complete nc. and I’m happy i have my birthday in end sight as there is no way he wouldn’t reach out to me then!
I think you should write everything you’re feeling down – i did yesterday and it was sooo therapeutic. i ended up not sending it to him but it definitely felt good to get all of my emotions down on paper. you should do the same! then when the time feels right if you want your ex to know how you feel you have every right to tell him!!! at this point, its honestly nothing to lose. you’re so close to completing 30 days nc!!! its such a huge accomplishment. some days are harder than others. i think its best to let yourself feel all the different emotions. go for walks, take long showers, whatever makes the day pass quickly. you’ll get through it!!! i wish we could all commiserate together.my ex texted me back saying “of course. i would be really upset if we were on bad terms. i def think we should keep in touch and have a nice rapport :)” I’m not answering that last text is its a perfect way to transition into nc. if he wants to keep in touch he can reach out to be and when he does i will now start acting way more cold instead of angry. but i don’t think hell reach out for a while, he knows i need time to heal. i wonder if he’s truly moved on through all of this. its really so confusing to me. i can’t tell if he wants to go through this because he really lost feelings for me or because he just thinks its the right thing to do before committing. i wish i really knew what he was thinking but every time i ask i just get more and more confused!
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