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Aww, Mike, thank you for your kind words and encouragement. I do not have to wish you well or good luck because you’re catapulting yourself forward and happiness and love is round the corner for you.
All of us need to learn and try not to make the same mistakes again. Life is one learning curve and basically we need to get to the end of life having as good time as possible.
Do come back and fill us in what’s going on in your life. No doubt we are all here for a while longer and will be happy to see you again here.Aphrodite,
Your smoothies sound delicious, I bet you’re great at making cocktails too! Hehe
I used to own a smoothie business! I sold it last year thankfully as got sick of the sight of them, now I just slow juice for myself!
In the business I used to make a breakfast smoothie, it had rolled oats, milk, banana, yoghurt, cinnamon and honey. Delicious!
How are you doing today?Atea? Hey sleepy head… Wake up!
Can I update you guys about my situation, I EMAILED! Him….not text! Haha about this Xmas present from my boy to him. I said could my son drop off the Xmas present to him? He feels rejected and if he could just take the gift from him?
Response was: it’s up to you, but the only problem is i am up North so if you want to leave it here you can, or I can call when down which at the moment will be early Monday morning before school before I go away again.
I’ve not responded yet as of course I’m going to suggest the Monday morning option. I noticed that he used the term he’s up North but I can leave it there. I believe he’s not up North yet but slipped up and using the term “here”, meaning he’s still near me but he will be going up North to where is house is. He otherwise stays with his mum who lives about 40 mins away.
Still I don’t mind where he is as he’s actually prepared to come around and get the gift!
I know that it’s early days and I know all too well that we may never get back together again but for him to say he will call round to collect the gift is more than what I ever imagined could happen. For my son to give the gift to him in person to me is priceless.
I know that these plans may fall through as anything can happen between then and now.Oh I definitely think that’s what my ex lost – that emotional feeling.
Yes, hope can be either motivating or burdening – it depends. Right now I’m finding the hope to be a burden like you, however sometimes I catch glimpses of hope that make me feel more motivated to improve myself.
Like you, I need to move forward as well. It’s a scary thing but if we just focus on baby steps it will seem easier.
My thought was that if I can accept and be okay with the thought of being alone forever, the thought that I have to be solely responsible for my own happiness and progress in life, then I will be less needy and being with someone else will only be a bonus. I have to stop thinking a man will complete me – and I have to learn to complete myself.
Please do stop by occasionally!!:)
That’s really cool – you had your own business! I really want to create my own business too someday. And that breakfast smoothie sounds absolutely delicious! I’m not so good with cocktails haha but I will have to be, as I’m not allowed wine or beer on my current diet. You seem like such an interesting person Belle, I’m intrigued by you!
Hah – “If you want to leave it here you can”, is he saying you can come over? Sounds like it! I’m very pleased that he is willing to meet your son and receive his gift! I don’t want you to get excited prematurely, but this all seems so positive!!!! 🙂
I’m doing good today! I went to exercise with my PT, then I did mediyoga afterwards. The woman who does the yoga is incredibly open about emotions, and the others there all share what’s going on in their lives. It was really fulfilling! I feel a lot stronger at my core and can’t wait for next time! I managed to do one breath per minute and was told I’m a natural :):) *chuffed*
As for ex, I’m just trying to be as accepting as possible over the fact that he doesn’t want anything more to do with me. Trying to tell myself it’s okay. I still have this dream of bumping into him once I feel completely happy about myself. Sometimes I worry that this dream will make me linger about moving on, but other times it’s good for motivation to progress. I still have a lot more hurt to go through before I can accept everything but I’m taking it one day at a time and trying to be patient and accepting of this reality. Sometimes I catch myself thinking “what the hell, this isn’t right! He loves me!” but I have to accept his wishes and what he wants for his future, which unfortunately isn’t me.
Peaks and valleys really hit home, and I realised one of my biggest issues is I never look for the good in the valleys – I’m just always impatiently trying to escape, and not have to do the leg work to truly progress and reach stable peaks. I won’t allow myself to appreciate what the valleys have to offer. Going off on a rant here…
Anyway these resources have been amazing! Actualized and this book! Have you started reading the Pia Mellody codependency book yet? I want to order it but there seems to be a few on codependency so I was wondering which one you got?Oh I should recommend my all time favourite self-help book, it’s “Beyond the emotional roller coaster” by Anthony Salerno. This book came to me at the perfect time when I was traveling and I take it with me everywhere I live.
How are you today Belle?
And @atea1234 good morning to you when you wake up:)
Aphrodite
I think we can all be a little intriguing on here, we all so mysterious, indulging in our emotional thoughts on a daily basis but not knowing what we look like or what our lives are otherwise like. We let glimmers shine through now and then and that what makes it intriguing!
I’m so impressed with your yoga! How the hell can you do one breath a minute?! You def are a natural if you can achieve that!
Nice to have a PT! Good for you!
The best I’ve got is my dog looking at me while I’m peddling away on the exercise bike! Not quiet the same as a PT!I’m glad you’re feeling good today. Peaks and valleys, darkness against light, happy and sad. I’ve looked at the book you mentioned already Beyond the Emotional Rollercoaster. I will get it as it looks like a good book I will enjoy and do some more LOA.
Pia Mellody book I have is the “Facing Codependancy”. It’s a well written book and not too heavy so easy enough to read when you don’t want to think too much!
It covers lots of extreme cases but I think it’s great to learn about this subject so you recognise the symptoms and understand more about the subject and yourself. It’s concentrating on any childhood traumas you’ve had and healing toxic emotions.
I could have abandonment issues as my mother wasn’t really interested in me when I got to about 12 and then a series of events happened where I just don’t think my mother knew or was inclined to parent me properly. She just wasn’t interested to be honest and I just fended for myself, had no support so I guess I felt a bit dumped on. She did and still does love me but she can’t care emotionally, she will finically help me and I guess that’s in her mind how she deals with it all. She lives in another country so I don’t see her often at all.
Not sure if that’s good or bad.I’m sure your ex still does love you, you’ve a strong gut instinct with that and I’m sure he’s not moved on so freely as you beleive.
Atea1234 clearly has a life today! Haha
@mike2014, thank you for your words – it means a lot! i hope you find happiness as well and it certainly seems like you’re on the right path to get there. stop back and chat anytime! you seem like a great guy and someone will be lucky to find you!
@belle, you are definitely making progress with your ex! he does want to see you and talk and keep the door open to reconcile, but he also wants to keep you on your toes! keep doing what you’re doing. you seem to be in better spirits!!
@aphrodite, that sounds great!! yoga and exercise have both been very helpful to me during this time. I’m glad you are starting to feel better and more good days will come your way shortly. i am going to look into that self help book you recommended!i am feeling horribly this morning as I’ve made a terrible mistake and i think stepped off the wagon. last night i had drinks with an old friend from high school and he asked me a very simple question about my breakup – he said “so do you think he broke up with you because he thinks you’re the one so he wants more time before committing to you for good or do you think he ended it because he knows you aren’t so he doesnt want to spend anymore time in the relationship?” so what did i do after having some drinks?! i texted my ex and asked him! i swore to myself to not bring up the relationship to him again but i did anyway. he didn’t answer…i woke up this morning and texted to apologize for sending that and said its better for him not to answer that and sorry i asked…no response yet. i am just beginning to get so frustrated!! i don’t want every thought i have in my head to be about him anymore. its exhausting! i just want to be over it or for him to be back – being stuck in limbo like this is no way to live and i feel i can’t escape it. i just want to get over it but he is literally on my mind 24/7. I’m feeling very frustrated with myself today. i had been doing so well and now here i am again back to the beginning
he has just answered! i will summarize:
thats a really hard question to answer because its really kind of both. our relationship was an unbelievable experience but i needed to break up to see if its possible for me to have that kind of connection with someone else because if we stayed together through everything and just got married without ever experiencing other people i would have wondered my entire life what else could have been.any interpretations?
Haha so true – we go very deep without having much of an idea about the rest!
Thank you, thank you! I was shocked myself as I found it very easy to do, and being told that it takes yogi’s several years to learn. It is probably because I held my breath a lot for fun as a kid hah.
I bet your dog is very curious about your peddling! And well done on assembling it!
Happy to hear you’re getting the book! I think there is definitely something for everyone in there:) And I just ordered facing codependency, so I’m looking forward to that! I was very codependent and had I not been, we would probably still be together.
I’m so sorry to hear about your childhood. Growing up must have been very difficult and I bet still is, and I can imagine it triggered a lot of feelings of low self worth and fears of abandonment. I have to say you’ve turned out well! I don’t know if it’s good or bad that you don’t see her often either. Sometimes we have to focus on creating our own happy families, and I think that what we know we lacked growing up we give to our children in plenty. Your son is lucky to have you:)
Time will tell what my ex feels (if he ever reaches out), but I have to work on not waiting. I think it will take a long time to understand in my heart that he is completely done. I’m sceptical towards my gut instinct now as it was wrong that weekend I really thought he would reach out.
My ex pretty much told me, at one point during the break up, that he can’t imagine us getting married or having a future. So I know what that feels like to hear. The thing is, he said that it’s kinda both, confusing!
My interpretation is this: He wants to be sure that you are in fact the one before committing to marry you. And in order to know whether or not you are the one, he needs to have something to compare it with. So he wants to go and explore to see if he can find a better connection or not with someone else. It doesn’t mean that you had a bad connection in any way, just that he doesn’t know because he has nothing to compare it to.
Don’t get too sad or demotivated over this! It does seem to me like he will be wanting more time than you thought. That being said, nothing could ever compare to you darling! Or what you two had for such a long time, and growing up together!
Some work will be needed on your end to get over him (for now), I believe! I don’t think you staying in touch with him is healthy for you – even though it gives you hits of joy, motivation and love. I know it’s hard to hear and you may not agree.
I really feel for you. You have been doing so well and been so patient, and this won’t have been easy to hear. Don’t worry though you will feel level again! HUGS!!!!!
Atea, don’t beat yourself up over texting him. It’s like me… So determined not too but the more focused you are the more you likely to fall off the wagon!
His response is great! I would be happy with that! He’s not telling you it’s over for good he’s inquisitive what relationships are all about. He’s never done the dating thing, he’s only been with you so he’s got nothing to judge by. That’s why we date several people when we are younger so we know when the one comes along that he/she is indeed the one. If you miss out on the typical dating scene then you’ve nothing to compare. It’s absolutely essential he does this and he sounds very mature!
I could throw the question to you, how do you know he’s the one? If he’s all you been with then how do you not know there is even something more amazing out there?
If and when you get married which you will(him or someone else), you enjoy life, have kids, work, stress, bad times hit as they will do, you might argue etc then I will guarantee that one or the other of you will start to stray if you have not experienced life outside each other. There will be that wonder, thinking what sex is like with someone else etc… All these things to think about.
The more you experience before settling down the greater chance of success.
Of course there are couples who marry young and die old together, they tend to be of a much older generation where splitting up and single parenting was not on the agenda.He sounds mature and he sounds like he knows exactly what he’s doing.
My ex got married when he was 21, first child a year later… Really! Does that sound like a recipe for success? No. It’s downright irresponsible and stupid with a capital S! Then again he’s a bit stupid because he let me go too! Trust me to fall in love with a stupid person! Hahaha.It’s all good Atea but you got to see what he’s doing is for the best how ever heart breaking it is for you. You yourself knows how your relationship was with him and whether it was at special which by the sound of it is was. I think you have to be strong to hold this one out and try to experience life without him and even maybe check out a few guys yourself to see if he really is the one!
i do understand what he’s saying but i feel absolutely crushed and can’t stop crying. he next said “its so hard to predict the future and we can’t put a time frame on things. i could find myself in another relationship and hate and realize how special everything was with us. this all needs to be based on how we feel deep down and not on time”
i think its unrealistic for most couples to be separated for such an extensive amount of time and then get back together. if he needed a couple months away i would understand it if he wanted to casually see the dating scene, meet other girls, spend time with friends, etc. but i don’t think i would ever be able to go back to him if he had another serious relationship. i also can’t wait around for another year or two. i thought this would last only a couple more months but it now seems like he needs years away and another serious relationship. i just want to move on and forget about him completely. i feel so crushed. and i have been on other dates but always end up sadder and missing him. its just a gut feeling I’ve always had – like people say often when you know you just know and I’ve always KNOWN without a shadow of a doubt since i was so young. i feel absolutely crushed and back to square one. he wont be back anytime in the foreseeable future and i need to let it go
I know, I feel crushed on your behalf because I can imagine what you’re going through! Wish Belle and I could show up with blankets, wine, tissues and cuddles!!!
The thing is — it’s better that you know this now rather than later! So I’m glad you sent the text!
I agree it is a bit unrealistic of him to expect you to just wait around in case he doesn’t find anything better.
Don’t worry yourself with him possibly going into another serious relationship or you will feel completely overwhelmed! That is not the reality right now so you don’t have to worry about it unless it becomes a reality later on. Don’t look to far ahead or you will panic. Even the longest journeys are done one foot in front of the other, one step at a time.I, for one, am actually pleased that you’re now saying you want to forget about him, because I agree, you shouldn’t be waiting for someone who can’t give you a deadline. You may want reassess things later, but now is a time for processing this and the emotions that come up right now.
I think it’s very important to wait until you feel completely happy by yourself before dating. Only then can you view the other guys without feeling as much of a need to compare them to your ex. But also the more guys you go on dates with, the more you will start comparing them to each other in stead.
I know feeling you’re talking about, that knowing. And it’s okay to have that feeling! But it doesn’t mean we should put our lives on hold just in case our knowing is true.
Thinking of you!
Atea, then you need to trust your instinct. You do not need to end up in another relationship and think back at how special you guys were. The bar has been raised and you have now that high standard to go by. You are only going to be happy with him or someone that raises that bar higher. You are not going to settle for second best. You will not end up in a relationship and dwell on the past.
If your relationship was that special as you say then his expectations will be of that standard too. He’s not going to settle for second best either so you need to trust your instincts and let him go off and do what he needs to. Non of our ex’s want to be with us right now and it’s damn right hurts. All three of us have different issues but the long and short of it that we’ve all been rejected.
It’s time consuming, emotional, painful and rubbish. I too just want to let the whole thing go and get a life where I’m not thinking about him 24/7.For now you have to let him go. You need to get on with life as best you can. How awful it is you need to do that. Don’t think about dating, think about day to day busy getting on with studies and meeting friends. Don’t think about what he’s said and your reactions. Just get busy with life.
You need to do this.
You two have a special bond ok, that is never ever ever going to break. No girl is ever going to take that away from you and him. Let him go, let him do what he needs to and in return start living the single girls dream. He will be back at some point because of the bond but you can’t live for that moment because you don’t know when it will be.
Why this is so hard is because you can’t see into the future, the future is unknown and because of that we get scared. We don’t like the unknown. If a guardian angel from the future came and said to you that all will be well, you will be so happy and in love, more blissfully happy than you have ever been with your ex then you would not feel so crushed. You would be excited, interested, be ready for what’s to come in life.
If it’s destined you’re not to be with your ex then think of this…. Somewhere out there, right now is a guy sitting and feeling just as rubbish as you. He’s thinking he will never meet anyone, a good looking handsome guy, that makes you laugh, cuddles you just right and makes you feel good. Atea, he’s out there right now for you. You can’t tell me im wrong atea because you know it’s true. You need to get yourself in shape emotionally because the sooner you do the sooner you’re going to come into contact with him. It may not be for a while, but he’s there and he’s waiting. A whole new world will open up to you when you meet him. You will learn new things and experience things you’ve not had before. Only then can you judge whether or not you’re ex has done the right thing.
You’re in control of your destiny.thanks for both of those responses. just what i needed to read! today is probably the worst day since the initial two weeks and i don’t know why. i just assumed he would be back in a couple of months and after this morning’s exchange i just feel like thats so far from being true. i need to let go of him completely – and then if at a point in time he comes back it will be my decision. he clearly is so far from being ready. its been 4 months and i don’t think he feels any more ready than he did on day 1! i don’t want to date anyone else but your post did make me smile, @belle. i know if he is not the one then surely someone else out there will make me even happier. i just need to be patient. you’re so right about not being able to plan the future and thats exactly what scares me the most. right now I’m fearful ill never meet anyone who makes me as happy and ill end up settling. i wish i would have met my ex later on in life. today is just one of those days the tears wont stop. i just feel so powerless in this situation. i feel like deep down he is the one and i can’t stand being away from him but now i feel he wont return to me in any of the coming months. he may not meet anyone else he wants to be serious for years and i fear he wont come back to me until he’s at least met someone he really cares about and can compare and at that point I’m not even sure if i could ever be with him again. i feel so hopeless today. thanks for all your kind words – sorry for ranting/venting so much today I’m just feeling so low
Thanks for your kind responses,
Atea,
The gals have given you great great advice. This is also your time to see what’s out there. Be free and single. Go out and have fun. Enjoy college! If down the road you reunite, it was meant to be. 2 years later my friend did with his soul mate after he asked for space. Neither one waited around but found their paths cross later in life.
This is such a great time for you for when this happened. I have fears too similair to yours about really only knowing how one relationship was. I spent almost all my 20s with my ex. Now about to turn 30 I’m not sure what’s out there and maybe how relationships really work cause i really been in only one serious one. I’m just continue to put myself out there. The girl I met on Saturday texted me last night and we talked for a bit. She isn’t my type of girl unfortunately, but you have to try and put yourself out there. Good things will happen. I’d much rather be in your situation and age figuring this all out the late 20s.
I’m happy you did ask him that question. You really did need clarification from him and got some.
Take care gals. It’s been a blast!
thanks, @mike2014. i agree I’m happy its happening at this age and not in the future. but I’m happy i got some clarification from him as well. i need to move on. i wish you all the best! I’m sure once you start putting yourself out there you will also meet a great girl!
@atea1234
There are no sorries here, you have our full permission to vent as much as you want! We take it in turns:)It’s no wonder this is your worst day since the initial two weeks! You put yourself out there and in return found out that you may have to wait longer than expected. A bubble of hope was burst! Of course you feel crushed!
Don’t worry though, although it may seem like it, you are not back to square one. You have made amazing progress and that isn’t just going to go away! Just wait a few days and you’ll see:)I need to let go of my ex completely too – so welcome to the boat:)There’s free champagne! And you’re allowed to act if you see some handsome guys, you don’t have to wonder whether or not your ex is okay with a decision, and you got rid of a person that wasn’t fully invested in you anyway! Trust me this boat isn’t so bad, we’re heading to some amazing places that you won’t even have thought existed!
I know you feel fearful of the future, but as much as you have the ability to be afraid, you also have within you the ability to trust and have confidence that you have a kick-ass time ahead! When you feel ready you should try broadening your horizons and doing things you wouldn’t normally do (just not drugs ummkay!). Life is a playground where all we have to do is engage. We don’t have to be all smiles, as long as we keep engaging.
You should really read the book “Who moved my cheese”:) There may be a free PDF somewhere online as its very short.
Your ex is a fool for risking loosing you and he will know that sooner or later, no doubt!
thanks, @aphrodite! I’ve written out a really long note to him and I’m deciding if i should send it or not. it basically says how the door isn’t closed for us to reconcile but it is closing slowly and i don’t think he fears i might not be there when he’s ready and that its a possibility. i kind of feel like putting it all out on the line. what do you think?
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