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Posts
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Yes I agree, it’s so important to be humble – something both our exes lack !
Haha he totally wants you to chase him and for him to play hard to get! Clearly he’s so important he can’t fit you into his morning schedule and needs to reschedule for later. Lolz!
Yes just let him say what he needs to say!! Don’t get too angry with him if he provokes you, just be level headed and say “Ok… That’s hurtful to hear” instead of firing back at him. I’m guessing there are a lot of man child rants heading your way.
Yes it is very sad:( Now looking back I can see that I already lost him years ago:( At the time I had my rose tinted glasses on, not seeing the reality for what it was. And he sure shouldn’t have been stringing me on for that long either, without clearly communicating what was going on! I thought his good days were a testament to that we were doing okay, but I can see now that he put up an act of being happy with me when he wasn’t, he was just enjoying having SOMEONE and getting the be rifts of that – not being specifically into me. It’s really fucking sad and such a waste, and I feel allergic to his allegations that he’s doing this “for me”.
I know you’re promising me I’ll be in love again, but I don’t think I ever will. Not like this, and not with this compatibility and friendship where talking about anything is possible. I thought I had a co-pilot for life. I don’t think I will EVER open up to a man like that again. Even if we did reconcile – I would never be able to open up to him fully again. I think I was myself too much in the relationship and I completely lost my air of mystique lol. I won’t dare to show that side of myself again to a man.
I’m preparing myself for a life alone, and if I can become happy with that – then anything more will just be a bonus. But I will never look for a man to complete me again, EVER. I have to be complete on my own.Very sad today but determined to keep walking, one foot in front of the other, and see what else this life has in store for me.
It’s fucked up he said he wants to be friends but hasn’t even reached out for the practical matters that he said he would. It was just words, clearly. That’s the thing with this guy – everything is just empty words that don’t follow up with action or don’t match actions. Fuck him.On the upside – my delivery of sports clothes has arrived and I’ve made delicious banana/vanilla/peanut butter smoothies.
Hello support group! I’ve still been reading your posts, but I’m finding it challenging to find the energy to reply.. or get out of bed even. Have you ever felt like that? I’m thinking it could be depression or chronic fatigue syndrome, but I have to wait til february til I can go to the doctor. I don’t think its related to the breakup (it could have been a trigger at most).
I’m actually at a point (Day 17 of NC) where I don’t want to contact him, I don’t need him or miss him. I don’t actually feel anything (for him, or otherwise.. this could be the illness talking).
Anyway, I wanted to ask your take on something. I had some good news the other day (an accomplishment), and also I coloured my hair. Both are quite big things for me (for different reasons, obviously). Initially I wanted to contact him (positive change etc) and tell him/show him in person, but since he hasn’t contacted me for 17 days, I felt reluctant. So I made a post about it on Facebook, but I didn’t post any pictures. My logic was that he should 1) congratulate me on the news, 2) want to see the makeover (he always encouraged me dye my hair like I’d talked about). He liked the post (everyone did, it’s quite big news), but that’s it. People I barely know sent their congratulations, but from him, nothing. Am I right to be hurt by this? That after all this time he doesn’t even put in the effort to congratulate me on a big accomplishment? Or is it behaviour I invited since I’ve been NC and didn’t tell him in person? I just feel like he’s been completely deleted from my life. And he’s the dumper, he should be the one that’s the bigger person that extends some kindness my way. Or am I wrong?
A few comments on your developments as well:
@atea1234
I think it’s lovely you texted your ex, it’s a nice reminder for him of the fun he had with you, it was sure to evoke positive emotions and memories in him without you coming across as needy. I wouldn’t do it too often and when you do, try to be the one that ends the conversation? Like leave him wanting more and keep the upper hand. Also, I wouldn’t kiss him when you see him (not that you were planning to see him, I suppose). He can’t have his cake and eat it too. That’s something you both would probably want to do out of habit and from missing each other, but it’s also like getting a fix. It’s better to go cold turkey and make a statement by it. Or that’s my opinion anyway.
@Belle
Your guy seems a little immature and like he has to work on himself some more before he can handle a healthy relationship. It’s great you’re communicating, but it feels like a bit of a ticking time bomb that’s waiting to explode.. I don’t know if it’s a good idea to grovel too much, he seems to be enjoying the control and might be looking to hurt you (to feel better about himself). Just be careful and don’t get too invested.
@Aphrodite and @mike2014
My instinct tells me you two should keep NC and keep trying to move on. I don’t think either of your exes are ready to come back to you, nor do they deserve you at this point. You should try to keep bettering yourselves and it’s likely you’ll outgrow the need to take them back. Or what do you think? Do you still feel like there’s hope and you want to keep holding on?@mike2014, i understand what you’re saying. i think you know deep down what is best for you. if you feel it is time to really get over it and she has moved on, go for it. if you feel deep down that you’re still in love with her and not ready to let her go and you’ll always regret not saying anything, go for it. you know your ex better than anyone and just listen to your gut to follow the situation. i know you’re months ahead of me in this process but i hope i can get to where you are one day!
@aphrodite, i really like what you said about having to be a complete person on your own. its funny thats something my therapist said to me – that she really resents songs and hallmark cards that refer to people as their “other halves”. she said everyone must be a complete person on their own and love themselves before being in a committed relationship. i wouldn’t say i have low self-esteem or love myself, but i definitely didn’t really know myself without this relationship, i think because we got together so young we just grew together. its funny I’m college i was never the crazy party type and all my friends would always say its because i had a boyfriend. but since we broke up, i have even less interest in partying! so at least now i know it was me all along and not him. i am slowly learning these things. I’ve actually found i think that the person i was in the relationship is more of who i am naturally. i tend to like the caretaker role (i will be a teacher when i finish my degree), i like security, and comfort. plus the more I’m realizing it, my ex was seriously the one person who i was truly myself in front of! maybe even too much. so I’m happy that I’ve drawn these conclusions from taking a step back, but these are things i never would’ve realized had we not broken up. ive been searching the internet like crazy trying to find stories similar to mine about couples who met young and took time apart and i have found so many. most took from 6-10 months to reconcile. i am getting antsy now. i am basically at 4 months, but i still have a long road ahead of me. i also fear at the end of all of this,he wont want to get back together after all and thats something i haven’t prepared myself for yet. I’m envious of your read of your situation. you’ve prepared yourself that he will not be back and so if he is it will just be a pleasant surprise. i also see you’re starting to take him off the pedestal of being a perfect guy and i think thats great! such a huge step forward in the moving on process. I’m so proud of you of putting one foot in front of another, even on your hardest days and I’m sure the universe has something wonderful in store for you. and I’m glad you got new clothes and a delicious smoothie! a lot of days thats all i feel happy about – small things like that. i remember you spoke to your ex on new years day, how did that conversation go? how did he act and how did you leave it with him?
@belle, i am actually finding your ex to be handling this in a very comical way! such typical guy behavior. i agree with aphrodite, you must try to stay as calm as possible. i believe the more you show him how depressed and devastated you are the more he will play tough guy and hard to get. you need to tell him you love him and are there for him and don’t want to be without him but you also need to strike a balance between that and letting him take this newfound control he has too far. i truly believe for relationships to last that they must be 50/50. both people must be equally as committed. for now if he wants to play this game and it is helping work towards a reconciliation i think it is ok, but this cannot go on forever! be compassionate and understanding with him and not emotional. how are you feeling after you spoke yesterday? also,thanks for the book recommendation! ill be sure to check it out.
@krisem478, remember you don’t want him back because he is heartbroken over his rebound, you want him back only if he is heartbroken over you. reach out in a friendly way, do not discuss his past relationship with him or you will get friend zoned. you don’t want to be his safety net or plan B. start out being a friend and then assess if there still seems to be romantic feelings there between the two of you but don’t provide a shoulder for him to cry on about his most recent breakup. be confident, strong, and happy. if you don’t feel emotionally ready to do that yet, stay in nc until you do. good luck!last night i was reading through old emails and texts my ex has sent and i never realized how many mixed messages he had sent me. at the beginning, he would tell me he doesnt want to “lose our special connection”, that he wants to “make things work but he’s scared of leading me on if getting back together isn’t right”, that he loves me and wants to “restore the passion in our relationship”, but also that the whole point of this was to “explore and not be pigeon holed by our relationship so we can know for sure if its what we want”. he also told me he would want to start talking/hanging out slowly to rebuild the relationship but never made moves towards that happening. most recently he’s told me he wants to get back together eventually but he isn’t ready yet and i shouldn’t put my life on hold for him but this isn’t “the end”. he said his his gut told him a few months and he would know what he wanted either way but he couldn’t say for sure if this would take longer than that. i guess initially when i told him beginning of december i needed to move on from him he stopped saying all of this to me. now i think i just feel so in limbo because what he’s told me has been all over the place and our relationship feels so open ended and the door to reconcile is wide open. its a very frustrating position to be in for me and I’m still not quite sure my plan of action moving forward. moving onf eels impossible and i still feel confident hell be back but thats hindering me from moving on and I’m not really sure what to do. i need to be patient, but thats something I’ve never been good at!! as he once told me, “i know you want to figure everything out now but time is the only thing thats really going to change this situation”. ugh i am so frustrated today!!!
@unimare, you don’t need to defend your emotions to anyone. if it hurt you, you have a right to be upset. in his defense though, he did like your status which was reaching out in a small way. i believe you still kind of have boyfriend expectations from him. i also think height not be reaching out because he doesnt want to send mixed signals. most dumpers (guys especially) think its rude to reach out to girls they’ve broken up with even if they’re tempted to because it sends mixed signals and for right now, i don’t think your ex wants to reconcile so he probably doesnt want to hinder your process of moving on by reaching out. I’m sorry to hear you’re depressed – it happened to me right after the end of my relationship. the breakup was one factor but i had a lot of other stuff going on at the same time, so it was tough. I’m happy nc is getting easier for you and you will start feeling better. push yourself to go on walks, go out to pick up a coffee, shop, get pampered, meet a friend, etc. even though it might feel like a struggle sometimes, you will be glad you did it and it will help the days pass and make you feel better. i also think maybe you should remove your ex as a Facebook friend. everyone told me to do all of that initially but i felt it was too harsh. but finally when i found myself looking at all the friends he added, posting things (as you did), for the purpose he might see, and constantly obsessing over how i looked in person, i just removed him. i removed him from Facebook, snapchat, instagram, etc. and i felt better after honestly. I’m happy he doesnt know what I’m doing – if i stay in or go out and I’m happy i don’t obsess over who his top snapchat friend may be. if you had your ex removed from Facebook and he hadn’t seen the status then you would’ve known he wasn’t going to reach out and you could have prevented yourself from disappointment. once you feel emotionally at a point where you want to reach out to your ex, you can. I’m sure he would answer if you did but i think he is respecting your space to move on and now that you’re reaching a point of not wanting to text him, you’re improving. stay strong 🙂
I’ll reply to all later – just have to vent.
I really feel so low today and like my life is over, don’t have any motivation for anything. I know this feeling will pass, it’s just so horrible when it’s here. I just don’t want to be in this reality that i’m in
@aphrodite, I’m sorry to hear you are having a down day 🙁 i was feeling in slightly better spirits while exercising this morning but then my sister called to tell me she ran into my exes mom and she told her she misses me and i felt back to square one again. remember, this will pass. give yourself some time to grieve and then force yourself to do an activity to keep your mind off it – even if just for a little while. vent here as much as you want!
Hi all, did you miss me? Lol
I didn’t get any notifications in my inbox! Have been pretty busy today but saw my therapist today… I come out really positive in so many ways. I guess I’m addressing issues from way back so it’s quiet emotional but positive because I’m fixing myself.
Have spoken to him on an even level today. I managed to start getting through to him some of the stuff my therapist has said and he’s beginning to listen.
He’s really really hurt by my actions to him in the past and he can’t get over it. He’s got issues himself so it’s like this roundabout we are on but thankfully I’ve at least started the ball rolling in communicating with my new found knowledge.
He admitted his so angry, give him a chance he will start reeling off events that have happened, so I kind of let him rant and then explain everything.After 45 mins of talking he did slip up and actually say “we will see”. Meaning not sure what the future holds.
He has massive issues with lots of stuff but at least we are beginning to unravel a lot.
I’ve left him with a lot of food for thought and going to leave him to digest but he’s working in some bizarre place and his head is focused on that and getting a better job so I guess I’m way low down on his of priorities.I’ve got to leave him in peace now, maybe contact once a fortnight. His job sounds like a nightmare and long periods of time away.
I guess I need to focus on my own life as he’s not around to see anyway! It’s great we are talking. I think in time he might agree to meet up but it’s early days.Aphrodite, I’m sorry you’re having a rubbish day. Your life is far from over but just beginning. You’ve lots of good times ahead, we all do! We just can’t see it. Everything is black and lonely and rubbish. Remember it’s early days and not to be too hard on ourselves.
Accept the times we feel shit will follow by ok times.hi @belle,
I’m happy you had a good conversation with him! see he’s already opening the door to reconcile in the future! I’m glad you were calm. he clearly loves you a lot, he just needs to work on these personal issues and get passed early resentment. you’re exactly right that this is early days – i think you should definitely meet up with him eventually, but not yet! i know how hard it is to be patient and wait, but i think good things come to those who wait and in a way we will all be rewarded for “doing this time”. you seem to be in much better spirits and things are looking up for you! i love that he’s willing to talk to you to unravel all your issues. isn’t it amazing how good therapy can make you feel sometimes?! I’m happy you’re having such a positive day! i agree leaving him in peace is best for right now. you can be sure he will initiate at some point and if he hasn’t in 2 or 3 weeks you can initiate again and check in! so happy for you with how its all working outThanks atea, I do not want to jump the gun as he might just never be ready to fully appreciate everything that’s happened and for the reasons why. He just may never want to get back together but right now I can see only time will heal. It’s a long road ahead and ive still got to back right off, but keep in touch as you say every 2-3 weeks. His work is unstable at the moment and he’s having to work in not a particular safe country with the pay not as good as before. So with us split up his whole life has been thrown up into the air and he’s not landed yet. Obvious he’s still really angry because give him a chance he will rant about particular events,so I’ve said that when he’s ready to be able to sit with me and let each other speak so the other can really listen. I told him I want to listen how the hurt has effected him and vice versa.
We may reconcile but then we may not. The therapy is helping me unravel everything and already my outlook is different, by showing my ex that he sees that my whole outlook is changing.So, now it’s NC for 2-3 weeks. I feel I can do this now I’ve spoken to him.
How has your day been atea? Day 2 of NC?
@atea1234 thank you for your wise words! you’re going to make an excellent teacher 😛
@belle, I think you have a great attitude moving forward! It’s true you may reconcile and you may not and im happy you recognize both of those options. We are all in the same boat here! I keep telling myself my ex may very well never be back. We can’t predict the future but I guess that’s what makes life interesting! Your ex has anger coupled with the fact that he is unhappy about his career and where he is in his life in general. It will take time for him to sort everything out and I think you being supportive but not putting pressure on him will help him immensely. You have a great plan and Nc will seem easier and less daunting overall to keep if you know it’s in 2-3 week intervals.
I am on day 2. Feeling ok. It’s weird my emotions change almost hourly! I think in my head at this point I just want time to pass so I can have a real conversation about what he wants moving forward. It’s just frustrating to feel like it’s just a waiting game! I’m planning to keep Nc until he reaches out next. If I haven’t heard from him in another 4-6 weeks maybe I will text him over something small just to remind him of my existence! I think its a bit unrealistic to think I could have complete 3-4 months Nc. I’m just trying to give him his space. I’m feeling better overall – eating and sleeping is normal, I enjoy hanging out with my friends and am able to focus on other things now but I always find myself just wishing I could talk to him or he was here, but I always remind myself to be patient! I really have such a gut feeling that he will be back and we will be stronger from this so I just need to keep putting one foot in front of the other and wait for more time to pass!Thanks @unimare!
Atea, very positive news from you and frame of mind. Well done. It’s an emotional roller coaster but it’s good to hear you’re eating, sleeping well and socialising.
I think we put these high expectations on NC, with all the best intentions of wanting to succeed sometimes we just can’t achieve that. The end of the day, if we are in they bad a state is it really life and death to reach out? Of course we all want to achieve 30 days in which you have! But like myself, I’m just not strong enough, too emotional.
I think Aphrodite is doing remarkably well under her situation and I admire her for her strength, even though she can’t see it. Yes Aphrodite… I’m talking about you and your doing so well, you’re the strongest out the lot of us!Atea, I think your idea of short term NC then reach out, it’s what I’m going to do, not put any stress on the situation. The last thing they need is a demented ex gf hovering around!
Like yourself, I just don’t know what the future holds but I think I’ve learnt enough not to blow the whole thing out the water into a million pieces and destroy any chance. If I hadn’t been on this site or been self improving, LOA, therapist etc, I know that I would have pushed him too far. Everything I’ve learnt has helped me get this far. It’s been a real learning curve and I think we’ve all learnt more in relationship skills recently than the whole of our lives!
Hope Aphrodite is ok, she sounded down earlier. Tomorrow is another day and hopefully happier emotions!
Yes I have definitely felt like that! I used to have chronic fatigue and depression, which went away when I changed my diet. Greens and oxygen drops helped me especially.
When you’re in that state you’re not level, so you won’t really know how you feel until you get out of it. That being said it’s great that you aren’t feeling much towards him right now because it makes things easier for you.
You are definitely right to be hurt by him not congratulating you, however, you will have to learn to not expect anything or him at all now that you are broken up. He should definitely have congratulated you though but he did this in his own way by liking the post, and I’m sure he doesn’t want to intrude on your life now as he wouldn’t want to stir up your emotions.
Regarding what you said about me, I think my ex is overdone with me, that theses no turning back ever. Now I’m dealing with having to face that as a reality. I know it rationally, but I can’t feel it yet, and my gut feeling goes against reasoning. My gut feeling may have just been hopes & disbelief and not intuition. So yeah I’m going NC forever basically, unless I change my mind somewhere down the line. My mind does not expect anything from him ever again but my heart still waits for it. It’s hard to convince the heart!
Happy to hear your therapist agrees! Yes being complete by yourself is essential. I’m glad you are now realising who you are outside of the relationship! I haven’t gotten that far yet. And I also think you will be an amazing teacher:)
Well don’t be too envious, I am preparing myself mentally that he won’t be back but my heart is in complete denial about it still. I’m just overriding what my heart says, because I can’t keep doing this waiting and expectancy thing. It’s still happening, I just try to block it out now because my rational mind is telling me it’s pointless and that I’m waiting for nothing.
Haha I have such a negative attitude! When you wrote “I’m sure the universe has something wonderful in store for you” I was like “yeah right”. lol! I really caught myself there! I’ve been a bit too negative recently! More LOA needs to be done!
Our conversation on New Years went great I thought! He was digging a bit to find out what else had happened that night, clearly wanting to know if I had done anything with some other guy. I said no. I was acting cool and I was the one to end the call. I really thought I had laid a good bait – which is why I’m now understanding that even with such a good bait he definitely isn’t going back on his decision. During that talk he said he would text me for practical reasons and that he would send me a suggestion for a series. None of this has happened. I’m thinking I’m clearly bottom priority in his life right now. Bleh, whatever, he sucks:(
Thank you for the pep talk earlier! I get how hearing your exes mom misses you stirred things up. Don’t worry though they will settle again. It’s a wonderful thing that your mom wants the two of you to reconcile! She’ll be taking your side:)
I am so pleased for you! It looks like all of this is moving forwards very well!
Also I’m thrilled to hear you’re learning a lot from your therapist – this will be so valuable!
To be honest I think you’re getting a lot of his anger towards how he feels about his current situation. Take it butI not be a doormat either!
And him saying “we will see” is actually pretty massive!!!I’m so happy that you reached out because I think this will give you more motivation and keep your spirits up! This is all very exciting and I can’t wait to hear about the developments! Living my dream of reconciliation through you, Belle! Lol
Thank you for the pep talk also!
Still stuck in the pit of the valley but I’m trying to do my best here. I can’t see any peaks nearby for the fog, but I’ll prepare myself for them anyway. We never know what life may bring, we just have to be open to opportunities I guess, and put ourselves out there when we’re ready for them.
@Belle your just read your latest post! That really made me smile:) Thank you for saying you think I’m doing remarkably well! I really don’t feel it but that gave me a boost!:)
And haha we definitely have learned a lot about relationship skills! I think I went through 5 self-help books on relationships and then there’s the non-specific ones to add to it! Payed for online programs, therapists, and googled myself to exhaustion.
Don’t worry I’m okay, I was just very down and demotivated. I still am but doing a tad better. Tomorrow is exercise day with the cute (though not my type – hah, as if anyone but my ex is!) personal trainer!Thank you to all of you for being here!! I don’t know what I would do without this support. I feel like this thread is my only motivation for improvement and moving forward right now so it means a lot!! <3
Sweet dreams to you all and hope tomorrow will be better for all of us
I just remembered what a friend told me over the summer. He dated a girl for a few years but they broke up. She was a terrible person and personally I was happy they aren’t together. He said that its all about the emotional feeling. An ex might still love you, but has lost the emotional feeling about you. I understand what he was saying.
Aphrodite,
I also convinced myself to do Nc forever. I actually feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I really realized staying stagnant and hopeing was a burdoning feeling. I need to move forward in life and not always be looking back. I’m sure I will have days when I peak over my shoulder or something will make me think of a certain time when we were together. I can’t control someone else’s feelings and all the years we were together are nothing more than positive memories. I once thought the years we were together would make her come back, but it won’t. I can’t say I will ever shut the door completely closed, but now it’s more like a quarter open.
Also, I have felt the same many days, but we really can’t allow ourselves to think we will be alone forever. Right now it seems like so far away from being able to allow ourselves to let our guard down but one day we will be stronger than ever. I’m going to focus on me now and continue to get better so one day I can enter into a new relationship with vigor and a clean conscious. We will be fine.
Happiness is right around the corner!
Belle,I hope your recent interaction with your ex leads to something great for you. Stay strong and always try to think of something positive each day. You seem like a nice lady. Wishing you and your family the best!
Atea,
I really have a lot of hope for your relationship. Your ex comes across as an honest guy and someone you care so much about. I think you will be fine regardless if he comes back or doesn’t. You come across so wise beyond your years. I have seen so much improvement just in the few weeks we have been talking. You have a lot of great things to look forward to in life. If you have never seen a Broadway show, I recommend seeing one. I never thought it would be something I would like but became fond of. It is such a unique experience and you being in New York its right there! Best of luck!
Thanks you gals for your input and advice and words of encouragement. It has been awesome talking to you all. I feel like I know you all now without actually meeting any of you lol. I wish you all the best and happiness. I’m sure I will stop by occasionally to read what you are all talking about. Maybe I will even have something to say from time to time.
Thanks again,
Michael
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