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Posts
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I hear what you say atea, I don’t think I’m ready to see him just yet with him the way he is. As you said it’s like a doubled edge sword. One part is great but the other is bad!
Clearly I’m an emotional wreck and he knows that, he prob wouldn’t want to see me for that reason alone.He’s always mentioned the past, things had never really been resolved so things just floated from one to another, if we ever do get a chance to reconcile then I would insist therapy, he needs it as much as me.
I did tell him today that he’s giving up before he’s even tried, I said it like got too hard work and you would rather go off and do your own thing rather actually seeing if we can make this work. What a waste of 8 yrs by just saying too much water gone under bridge.
I did say a lot for him to think about, like saying how do you know it’s never going to work out unless you try.I can see how he’s making a point and almost so subborn that he does t want to go back on his word.
It’s great atea that you had a good response last night from him. I’m really pleased for you.
also, @mike2014, i have a question. when you and your ex meet up and hang out do you kiss? all 3 times I’ve seen my ex since the breakup we have. nothing more than that and its always as we’re parting. I’m wondering if this means anything
take your time, @belle. you’ve given him a lot of information to digest and think about. i agree with you that you’ll never know unless you try and personally i think it sounds like this might be a great opportunity for a fresh start for the two of you. personally, i never believed that too much has happened to reconcile. it is always possible as long as BOTH people are committed to making it work. if both people are willing to forgive the past and commit to strengthening the relationship for the future, i think it can be done in both situations. in my experience though anytime i have seen someone who is dumped trying to convince the dumper, it doesnt work. it must be after enough time has passed and both agree equally and mutually without convincing from each other that they want to work on things. i believe your ex really loves you and will come to this conclusion on his own. give him the time and space to do so while also checking in occasionally to remind him you’re still there. its such a tough and delicate balance that I’m still really struggling with
I just read your response! Funny it didn’t show up in my inbox.
I think you should ask him if he wants to see your son/give him the present and perhaps ask if he wants to see you (go to the cinema, go for a walk, something that will be a bit distracting but where you can still talk a bit and enjoy each other’s company). I know Atea disagrees and you may not feel ready, I just have an inckling that now may be the time to strike. So for instance even if he says too much has happened and it’s too late, tell him it would be nice just to see him and that it won’t mean anything – if he wants to. I bet he will say yes. And even if he doesn’t it will churn in his mind, and he may get back to you later wanting to meet up at a time he feels less stubborn/angry as you would already have opened that up as a possibility. Really just do what you feel is right for you!
I don’t really know what to say about myself today. I’m definitely not feeling good – suppose I just feel hollow.
Can’t wait for exercise on Thursday though – something I thought I’d never say!
It’s great that you’re at a point of no longer expecting anything from him!
Im a bit worried you may start expecting things though if you keep up regular contact again and he doesn’t respond – but that’s no reason to hold back if you feel that this is right and makes you happy.
Like I told Belle I just feel hollow today. NC is still a struggle but I don’t get the same intense urges to reach out. I’m just very hurt that he hasn’t reached out when he said that he would, and it was even for practical reasons. I just want to be over him. He clearly isn’t a nice person if he’s able to ditch me this easily.
Atea,
No we don’t kiss.i wouldn’t want to do that. I don’t think she would want to do that. I’m not even sure how I would approach that. She asks for a hug but that’s it.
@aphrodite, I definitely don’t plan on regular contact right now. Plus I won’t keep contacting him if he’s not initiating as well. I guess because he initiated two weeks ago I felt ok doing it yesterday. Throughout the breakup he has never not responded to me. At the beginning he would wait a Couple hours usually but only when I would bring up the relationship and ask some needy questions. I can’t really see him not answering because he’s often been the one who says he doesn’t want to lose contact but also wants to give me my space and no false signals. But I don’t plan on initiating more than like once a month which hopefully will only be 2 or 3 more times before im ready to ask to meet up and discuss. I’m really trying my best to be patient! I’m sorry to hear you’re feeling hollow. But I’m glad the temptation to reach out to your ex has been subsiding. I’ve lost the temptation to reach out to my ex and tell him I miss him or discuss the relationship but Now have been wanting to reach out over small things. I don’t think you’re ex has forgotten you at all. Stay strong! You are doing so well just getting through the days. I felt sad earlier but pushed myself to go out and get coffee and a manicure with a friend. Keep doing small things that make you happy and let things fall into place. I keep telling myself that if its meant to be it will happen regardless if im Nc/LC or anything else. We must believe in fate! If our exes don’t come back then something greater is in store for us!
@mike2014, my ex has kissed me all 3 times I’ve seen him. The first and second time he asked if it was ok. The third we were having a long hug goodbye and he kinda just looked at me and I guess I gave the ok. All of these were just as we were saying goodbye and nothing further progressed. Do you think this means anything?I don’t know what it means honestly. I’m happy she doesn’t want that. I’d be furious if she kissed me after she broke up with me. When she cried I don’t say anything cause I feel bad. I think she cries because she’s know its over.
Aphrodite and atea, I just think that anything I say or suggest right now he will rebel. He’s like on a big ANTI me! The tone in his voice today and the total resentment of totally ignoring his plees of wanting to come back, do therapy etc which I poo pooed. He like thinking, “oh right, she now has changed her mind and she wants it all good again and I’m to fit in!” I really am picking up this is how he’s thinking. So I feel and so far I think I’ve been right he’s punishing me and anything I suggest he will not do.
For example, I know this sounds daft and it is but he said he will only communicate by email, now he’s in UK I don’t get that but after today I do. It’s a control thing. This afternoon was actually hilarious if I think back. Basically I called him on a hidden number as my number is blocked, we spoke for a bit then he had to go but said he will talk in an hour. Well I was talking to you guys as this was going on and waiting for the hour, I then saw I had a message in my inbox saying he can speak now, I rang but he didn’t pick up, I looked at time of email and it was like 10 mins earlier, as you know emails take longer to receive than texts, I text him that I called he didn’t pick up. I got another email back saying to try again! I mean really? Why can’t he just text!? Lol
I figured it out, it’s a control thing. Anything I suggest he won’t do, he’s trying to dictate and at the moment he can only do that with telling me how to contact him, block my number and not see me.So, my tactic is, that I have to show remorse, to tell him I’m lost without him, not ask for a thing, even my son. Until he comes round until HE decides he wants to see me. It’s got to be his decision in his own time. The more I push the more he will back away. I think he wants me to suffer for another 2-3 months.
I still think his tactics is hilarious about the emails. It was ridiculous.
Aphrodite, hollow doesn’t even touch it does it. I’m glad you have things lined up and exercise releases endorphins it will be a great release for you. I’ve got my exercise bike here now but I’ve got to assemble it… That will be a work out in itself!!
I can’t believe for a minute your ex will not contact you again? I really believe he will, but I don’t think for a while. I think in that time you will move on and then the ball will be in your court. You had a highly charged relationship and they don’t come across in life that often so he’s probably missing you already! If you’ve been together 10 years, it’s not that easy to walk away.
Atea, yes I do believe my ex loves me that much, but he’s woken up and smelt the coffee and saw was a shit I was. Lol. *hangs head in shame*
Why does being in love,relationships hurt so much! It’s almost why do we bother when we end up a total wrecks! It’s the highs and lows!
Which reminds me,
One of the best books I’ve ever read, a book given to me by my brother is a book called Peaks and Valleys by Spencer Johnson. It’s not so much about relationships or a self help book but there is a deep meaning in the book that if you’re receptive you will remember it for the rest of your life. It’s not a long book and it’s easy to read but as I said while you’re in a period of self reflection this will be a great read and lesson in life.
Your ex Aphrodite should read it that’s for sure.Well done ladies for another NC, day 1 again for Atea and myself but striding ahead is the glorified Aphrodite! Round of applause!
Signing out for now and going to rest the swollen eyed Belle!
I will further explain. Once she ended things with me, that means she doesn’t get to enjoy pysical contact with me anymore. She made up her mind to move on. If she initiated a kiss from me I would push her away. I don’t get angry often but that would be enough to really make me mad. You don’t make a choice to walk away, but then have an intimate moment with me. I don’t even initiate hugs, she is the one who says well give me a hug. I think a few times when we would hang out, when we went to leave I just said bye and like tapped her on the upper arm. She said what is that, I said it was a goodbye. She said well give me a hug goodbye. I hug some friends goodbye so I didn’t feel bad giving a hug.
@belle, i agree with what you said! it has to be his decision. just tread lightly for now. i do believe he’ll come back but i think he needs to feel like its on his terms. and i think you’re right he’ll let you suffer for a few more months. give him time and space but don’t disappear from his life either. its so clear he doesnt want this relationship to be over but he wants you to feel hurt and wants to be in control. for now, let him think he’s in control! i do think at a certain point for a successful reconciliation, the power struggle must end and you must both agree going forward to have a 50/50 relationship where no one has the upper hand. he definitely isn’t ready for that yet. so for the next 2-3 months show him that you’re there for him! but don’t compromise your own feelings in the process. remember no matter what, happiness needs to come from you! keep taking things one day at a time.
@mike2014, i totally understand what you’re saying. the first time i saw him was when i went to get my things from his apartment. i was still in denial that this all was happening as it had only been two weeks. we were sitting on his bed discussing the breakup and he said “I’m deciding if i should kiss you” and i said “go for it”. at that time i was just too overrun from emotion of the breakup, plus i knew he hadn’t been with anyone else yet. the second time i saw him was 3 weeks after that when he came to get his stuff from my apartment. he cried this time, not me! we went to hug goodbye and he said “can i kiss you” and i nodded. after he said “i love you. this isn’t the end.” and then i didn’t hear from him after! i texted him 3 days later telling him how unfair that was which is maybe why now he’s very cautious about sending mixed signals. the third time i saw him was for brunch and we ended up going for a walk after. we discussed the relationship and he said he was said and he loves me but he feels this time apart is necessary for both of us and either we’ll get back together with a stronger appreciation and commitment for each other and if that wasn’t the case then it just wasn’t meant to be and we would both find happiness elsewhere. we hugged for probably 5 minutes and then he just went in for the kiss. it almost feels awkward and not natural to not kiss when we see each other. i think this is why for right now its best we don’t see each other for a few months.@Atea Aphrodite,
My NC is only 3 days away from30 days. I saw on my ex twitter that the guy he was seeing the relationship is over. He seems sad and heart broken over him. The rebound relationship is over.. Idk how to approach him. Do I mention the other guy? Do I keep it light and casual. I feel like if I play my cards right this could be make or break?Well the last two days I kind had a feeling. I think it is really that time to fully pack it in. Time to move on. Time to not feel bad about this anymore. My ex moving on was something I know she put a lot of thought into and didn’t just react on a whim. I still think about that night when she said to me, I’m not happy. I’m not happy has to do with her independantly, but more importantly not happy being with me. I can’t remain stagnant in life and hope. Expecting for a miracle at this point is useless. The more I been going out and meeting new people the more I feel like it’s really that time. Reaching out to her in a few months really won’t change how she feels or what she wants. It’s just that time.
I give up
Morning @Belle how are you?
Well you know your ex best, and if he’s seeming all anti-you, you know what to do! I’m finding the email thing hilarious – he really won’t do anything you suggest and only wants things on his own terms! It sounds like you have a really good plan going forwards and I feel that your situation has a lot of hope!
Did you talk to him this morning? If so, how did it go?
And no, hollow doesn’t begin to describe it but it’s the best I can do lol. I’m happy that you think he will contact me again, but I can’t see it happening myself. If he’s caught up in someone else and in love with her, I don’t see how he would miss me. He was drifting for years, and I think he had thought about breaking up for years. In that way I think he already went through the break up in his own mind before it happened so he’s already done most of the processing. I don’t want to have any false hope so I would rather view things this way, and rationally he appears to be done like an overcooked egg that can’t go back to how it was before. I have to try to face that this is the end now – and I feel lucky he isn’t stringing me along – as he has made his mind up that we won’t ever be together again. The thing that pisses me off though is that he kept saying “I know this is best for you/ultimately you will be happier with someone else/I want you to be happy and I can’t make you happy” that kind of BS. Who is he to tell me what will and won’t make me happy? Such a lame and cowardice excuse for him not wanting to be with me. I wish he had the balls to say “I’m sorry but I’m not interested in you anymore” instead of trying to make it look like his break up is a selfless act of wanting me to be happy when I know that it isn’t.
Belle thank you for the book suggestion! I finished it already:) What a great book! He’s the author of “Who moved my cheese!” <— you should really read that one if you haven’t already 🙂 you too @atea1234
I’m definitely taking aboard the messages of this book!! I think when the old man is talking about “what is the truth in this situation?” My truth is that my ex broke up and said he doesn’t want to be with me again. I think I have to realise that and stop with the illusions. A bit part of me is still in denial about the fact that we are done and done forever, and I have to get over that. All I can do is to turn this valley into a peak and prepare myself for future peaks. I’m still working on “how can we use the good that’s hidden in this bad time?”. Thank you so much for the recommendation!:)
Good thing you know he will always respond! That will make it easier, and once a month seems like a good interval of reaching out.
I think the fact that your need to reach out over big things has turned to small things is a good sign – it shows you’re getting over it more. You aren’t going nuts about he situation anymore but you want rather than need him.
You’re right I should do things that make me happy – but it can be hard when you feel like nothing makes you happy!! I’ll get there though. Exercise has been great and I do still enjoy dressing up and going out. I have some more LOA to do as I’m really not happy with my life situations.How are you today?
On day 30 I think you should approach him friendly. Don’t bring up his rebound at all, but if he mentions it show compassion for what he’s going through. That’s what I think anyway:)
I understand where you are at! You’re further ahead than most of us here. I’m happy that you’ve reached this point. Sometimes we just have to face reality and figure out how to best move forward. Don’t worry if you get more moments of despair and feeling like you have taken steps backwards. This is a continual two steps forward, one backward process. We’re all here for you and wishing you the best:)
Morning Aphrodite,
I’m glad you read the book, the moral stays with you for life, people do strive to be at that peak and look down at everyone… Pretty much what my ex is like with his ego. Funny enough he read that book and thought it was great too. I used to mention now and again how he’s doing exactly that and looking down at everyone with his ego. Water over ducks back comes to mind!
I would like to be half way up the peak and be happy. Happiness is all I’d like. Don’t we all!So this morning I emailed him, as not allowed to text! Hahaha.
I asked him what time can he talk. Now yesterday he said in the morning. Now he says in the afternoon. So I asked him what time in the afternoon… All stupid one line like text type emails (lord above) re replied saying after 4pm. So I returned the email saying “at 4pm??”
No response as yet.
Yes it’s all a bit ridiculous but if he’s getting off on it I will let him get on with it. I think it’s childish but then we know he’s a man child so what do you expect!? I don’t expect to hear anything I want to hear when I do speak to him. He will make me cry again but what do I do eh? I shall get through this one way or another. I guess over time we just harden up to the situation.Aphrodite, I understand what your saying about how your ex was going off the boil a few years before. It’s so sad when that happens and the other one clings desperately to the fragments of what’s left of a relationship. I hear what you say to it all and I know that you have to do this grief in order to move on. No matter what, ex’s do have a tendency to make contact at some point and I’m sure he will, hopefully when you’ve totally move on.
You will have learnt lots from this relationship, grown within yourself and generally toughen up to the world out there and be ready for your next match. You will be in love again Aphrodite, I promise you that. You will look back at your ex and wonder why you stood for all the crap he threw at you. You will not tolerate any of that in another relationship and make it so much more healthy.
In the mean time 2015 is rehab year!
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