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That’s exactly how I feel too @Belle ! Demotivated and deflated, and working on accepting a life without him. Still have a long way to go on that.. We’ve just got to put one foot in front of the other. What are your plans now? NC for 60?
I’m in a mess today, he’s back in the UK and has blocked my number.
I’m crying the shit out right now, I wish I never sent that email it’s set me back shed loads. I wish I could hate the guy.
He told me he wouldn’t be back til April.
I’m beside myself now.I stupidly text him this morning, I’ve been a mess since he email. So I just that thinking I wonder if he’s in uk so I rang his number to see if rang uk tone and it did. I then got cut off and couldn’t get through so hide my number and it rings.
I wanna dieThis is only a temporary feeling, and this too shall pass.
You can’t beat yourself down for sending the email. You had decided to do it anyway, so in that sense it’s better that you’re going through this now than two weeks from now.
It is clear to me that he isn’t over you at all, he’s just angry and stubborn. He seems like a very bitter person, and him blocking your number is a testament to that. What a rigid and difficult person! You were together for years and he was like a father to your son – and now he has blocked your number!Belle, you don’t deserve this, and I really hope this man child gets a grip.
This will pass, and better times will come!!! Reach out to the people who are near you, you need some support now! I’m thinking of you and I’m there with wine, blankets and tissues in spirit! Don’t be afraid to ask people for help Belle, and rant as much as you need here. Remember to grab yourself some water and food xso i have a bit of a small update. i hope you wont be upset with me but i broke nc last night!! it was the strangest thing. our favorite tv show was on last night and i don’t think he’s watched without me yet because he’s never reached out to discuss – something we’ve done every single time this show was on for the last 7 years! anyway i saw that his favorite actor was guest starring on the show. without even thinking about the repercussions of breaking nc, i just picked up my phone and texted him and told him! he responded to me minutes after telling me he hasn’t watched the last two weeks but was going to watch tonight. he then asked me a bunch of questions about how I’ve been, my friends,, what I’ve been up to, etc. our show was on for two hours and we were texting each other each minute discussing it (he usually takes forever to respond to takes and even longer since we’ve been broken up), but he was answering every 2 minutes and we discussed the whole two hours. only the show, nothing more. when the show ended he said that it was a great episode and he can’t wait for the rest of the season. i told him he better made sure he kept up and he said yes definitely! to which i didn’t respond. i owner if he will text me next monday night…
he seemed very friendly although we didnt really discuss anything else besides the show. i had been 20 days nc before this. i feel like maybe its ok if i reach out to be friendly every 3-4 weeks? he seems happy to hear from me and initiated first last night. sine he doesnt have any resentment towards me i feel like doing a strict nc for 3-4 months but have the opposite impact i want and he might think I’m moving on. i think my plan of action now is to make sure i don’t initiate too much and not bring up the relationship or meeting up until maybe April.
@aphrodite, I am trying my best to get over him but i just have this gut feeling telling me he’s “the one”. i think if he’s not ready in even more time i will force myself to date and maybe i will meet someone great but i don’t think I’m there yet. i agree that at one point i want to tell him that the door is closing, but i don’t think i should go that yet. its only been almost 4 months. i think because of the length of time we were together it will him at least 6 months, probably more to have had chances to at least go on other dates and get to know other girls. maybe around march or april i will say this to him, hopefully in person. I’m too nervous now/dont think its been long enough for me to initiate a meet up. i also know there is a possibility of this taking a couple of years, but i think its unrealistic for him to think he could take a few years away and then just come back. as I’ve said before, i think theres a window of time thats appropriate. I’m giving him till the summer – he will have had almost a year and if he’s not ready to fight for the relationship at that point, then i think i deserve better and he is too willing to let me go. i also struggle with just using nc so he thinks I’m moving on – i know maybe it will cause him thinking he lost me to want me back, but i genuinely don’t want to rush this phase he’s in. i hope it doesnt take more than a couple more months, but he needs to come back to me only when he’s ready as i never want to go through this again! its funny you said its cruel of him to tell me he’ll want to be with me later on. thats why my friends and family feel so much resentment for him! its almost impossible to move on when someone you’re deeply in love with says that to you. it makes you kind of want to wait around, which i know sounds silly at this age. i am very angry with him!! its almost like he just wants time to fool around before he has to commit to me – i don’t even think he genuinely wants to date other girls seriously because he knows nothing will measure up to what he and i had. the not giving me a set time is incredibly difficult. i tried with him initially. i gave him 2 months, then extended to 3, etc. but what I’ve come to realize its his feelings and its pretty impossible to put a time limit on that. for myself, I’ve promised that if he isn’t ready by summer then i will really make an effort to cut him out and date and move on. i guess at that point i will see how he’s acting and see if he’s feeling almost ready to commit and decide about the ultimatum. by biggest fear about that is he wont want to lose me completely so he will get back with me before he is ready. you hit the nail on the head when you said he wants me as his wife! i don’t doubt that he does. and he’s only 23. but if he genuinely feels that way then he can’t let me go and assume 5 years from now ill be around – that just seems ridiculous and he must know that as well. its also interesting you say he took me for granted because thats another thing he told me on the night we broke up. that he knows he should appreciate me more because of the way i treat him and because i am a real “catch”, but he’s had me for so long that he thinks he’s just gotten used to me and maybe it will take not having me in his life to appreciate me more. he told me around end of november he would want to start talking “slowly” although he wasn’t ready to get back together. i wonder by these silly conversations every 3 weeks or so if thats what he is thinking. but regardless, i really don’t like it either! he is stringing me on and I’m allowing it and i don’t know hot to stop it – its an awful feeling. i think he’s being an idiot as well! last time i asked him for a time frame, probably around 6 weeks ago, he said “my gut says a few months” but its really impossible to say and i don’t know for sure. but i do think he is aware that spending years away from me will not lead to a likely reconciliation. if i had to guess i think he is thinking about a year, so the summer would probably be a similar timeframe to him. its so frustrating!!! it was hard for me to not ask what he was thinking last night but i don’t want to pressure him. I’m also happy i texted instead of called because hearing his voice would’ve put me over the edge!!! sorry for the rant, hope you are feeling ok today!
@belle, maybe he is just back for a few days? i think he blocked you not because he doesnt want to talk to you but because he knows it would be too difficult to hear from you. he’s mind seems to be made up (for now) so he thinks hearing your voice or talking to you is too hard. my ex did this to me around beginning of novemeber when i was relentlessly calling and texting him and he told me this was a really hard decision but he wanted to stick to it and i was making it really hard on both of us for reaching out so much. i think your ex just wants some time and space to process everything. he will unblock you eventually – i have no doubt about that. keep thinking in your head he’ll be gone till april as i think its a good time frame and will make things easier on you. i know this is so tough, stay strong! this bad day will pass. be good to yourself today. treat yourself to something!! and vent on here if you need us!
@mike2014, i totally hear you when you say sometimes you just want to call her and explain how stupid her decision was! i feel like doing that to my ex all of the time. i tried at the beginning but it got me nowhere. at a certain point in time i think i will explode and say it but right now he clearly feels happy with his decision so its not the right time. a few months from now i feel like I’m just going to ask what he’s waiting for. i mean i know he loves me and wants to be together eventually, so whats he waiting for!? also for a guys opinion, do you think my ex is friendly and was very responsive to me last night because he feels badly and wants to be a nice guy or do you think he genuinely wants to talk? it seems like he wants to but then again i can’t really be sure because he hardly reaches out. although i guess he doesnt reach out because he doesnt want to send mixed signals? its all so confusing! i just want him to tell me he’s had enough time away alreadyThanks Aphrodite,
Need the hugs, blankets and vino.
Yes he’s a man child, tricky to deal with!
God I’m a mess today! Inside my own 4 walls so no one can see the red eyes!
Well I spoke to him, was a tad annoying actually because he kept going on about shit I did years ago! I kept my cool and told him the reasons for my actions even though I have previously told him in emails. So again I tried to reason with him my actions.
We spoke for 40 mins, I cried a lot. So back to square one with pleading and begging, I didn’t actually beg but you know what I mean.
He’s def living in the past. I basically gave reasons as I said but also that we’ve never ever sorted out our problems. I’m acknowledging a lot in myself and said we’ve never acknowledged or our problems which keep occurring over n over.
I said “I love you”, his response was “I can see that now”. Not sure if that was a good or bad answer?He just kept ranting on about the things I’ve done in the past, so i kept telling him the reasoning about it which is all true as generally he says something negative to me, or talks over me, says I’m wrong etc then I subconsciously harbour it then go off and do something sneaky (lol).
So after 40 mins he said he had to go and that he can talk in an hour of I want.
I sent him a text after about 20 mins just saying would he be prepared to sort the issues out once n for all, go to counselling even if it’s for my benefit to draw a line under it. I said it’s such an epic fail that never once addressed anything.So after the text, I got a email saying he can talk. Why not text!? Rang, but he didn’t pick up.
I kind have put that question to him but now I’m scared he’s going to reject me AGAIN. So I’ve not bothered to call again.
I’m now exhausted, crying is so draining.
Atea, that is good good news. Small steps remember!
I think that overwhelming desire to text him was a good sign. I guess as you know there are negatives with this as well because you’re getting your fix from him as he is too. I guess it depends on how dependant you will become focusing on the 3 week contact. It’s def false friendship, perhaps carry on with it for a set time and then withdraw for a while.@belle, i think what you’re going through with with your ex now is all part of the process and is normal! i actually went through a very similar situation with my ex twice (first around end of october and then again beginning of december). basically with me talking to him and calling and crying and asking him to work things out and him remaining pretty stubborn. i don’t remember who it was but someone on this forum once told me i was in a good position even though it seemed like i wasn’t because my ex still responded to my texts and took my calls. he gave me well thought out responses even if it wasn’t what i wanted to hear. I’m going to say the same to you right now. your ex is still communicating with you and that is the most important thing. i think so many people think relationships are such a power struggle and its all about tricking your ex to think you’re moving on, etc. but sometimes its therapeutic and helpful to just lay it all out on the table and see how your ex responds. end of december, i told my ex that i wanted him out of my life and to never contact me again because i wanted to move on. i thought this is what i SHOULD do because its what my friends were advising. then i had one friend tell me, “if you want to wait and you think he is the one for you, YOU have every right to do that! just make yourself happy in the meantime.” and so this is exactly what i told him about 3 weeks ago and i felt honestly so much better about just being honest about my feelings. we are all trying to recreate mature and honest, adult relationships – there is no need for game playing! I’m actually happy you’re getting all of your emotions out and saying what you want to say. at a certain point you will say all you have wanted to and it will be up to him how he digests this information and how he wants to proceed moving forward. hang in there 🙂 I’ve had plenty of these emotional days, and I’m here to talk! plus, i think the fact that he’s keeping lines of communication open is KEY. even if he doesnt want to reconcile now, this will be very important in the future!!
as for what I’m doing, I’m not going to plan on texting him every 3 weeks. the nc actually is getting easier and surprisingly i haven’t felt sad today after talking to him last night. but if i see something that reminds me of him or i want to tell him etc. i don’t think i will force myself to hold back too much. i mean after all, my ex and i have both referred to our breakup as “complicated”. he knows i don’t want to be friends – i will not talk to him daily, i will not meet up with him until it is time to reassess our relationship and i still feel maybe about 4 months away from that, but we will see. but i think I’m going to stay with this for now. even though i don’t want to reward him with a fix from me, i think reminding him I’m here and knowing he still cares about me ultimately makes me feel better. and i guess thats the goal right?! to make myself as happy as possible while he’s going through this. so going forward I’ve promised to do what i feel is right and makes ME happy – not what i think is best for him!!
Atea,
I’ve just spoken to him again and his response to will he come to therapy with me was that too much waters gone under the bridge. Too much has happened.He also said that it’s always that everything has to be done my way, it’s like I want to go to therapy and it has to be done. He mentioned how he wanted to go to therapy back in Nov when he wanted to reconcile but I didn’t so we didn’t. But now I want to go it’s like the green light for him to act which now clearly he doesn’t want to.
You’re right about the positivity of him talking to me, but something tells me he’s doing it because he’s obliged to.
I’m not sure with my ex they tricking him into thinking I’m moving on, especially when after I told him I loved him he said I can see that now.
I think the date sites made him feel second best and all I can do is show him how much I love him. How the hell do I do that when I don’t see him and constantly getting in touch is pushing him away?I don’t know how to deal with this, any thoughts?
If I hadn’t broken NC then he would have thought I was all over it. I just feel trying to explain my self, crying and telling him I love him is not going to push him away further.
Anyway, he ended the short call we had saying he would make some time to talk to me tomorrow morning, if I wanted.
Just don’t know if NC is the way to go with him. I mean I’m not going to hound him daily but how do I reassure him I love him very much without being over the top. It’s almost he’s warmed to my contact, even though he’s not said anything I’ve liked! Is he just spending the time to try and get me to understand it’s over? As I said before it’s obvious that he’s pissed off with me always getting my own way (what’s wrong with that! Lol)
Him going on about what you did years ago is annoying yes, but a really bloody good sign. If he was completely done with you he wouldn’t bother to bring that up – he’s just be repeating “I’m sorry, I’m not interested anymore” or something like that. Basically the guy is far from indifferent and still emotional about things. Which we already knew but I’m reinforcing it to you.
His response being “I can see that now” to I love you isn’t a bad thing. He is probably really hesitant and afraid to open up to you, to trust you again again because you broke up with him. He had a major reaction to you breaking up and it’s still going on. When the tables turned and you wanted him back he may not have believed you were sincere, but perhaps he does now as time has passed and you still say you love him.
It will take him some time and effort from your side for him to feel safe to commit to you again.I think your reaching out has thrown him a bit, he’s loosing his equilibrium and going through lots of feelings.
Don’t be afraid of him rejecting you. He’s the one who is afraid of rejection! You can’t both sit on either side and be afraid the the other one will reject them – one of you has to act or else nothing will happen.
If he says he doesn’t want to be with you maybe you could ask if the two of you can at least meet up and be friendly towards each other?
Keep in mind how much you must have hurt this man’s ego. He caught you going on dating sites (big ego wrecker) then you broke up with him – he had to plead and beg and even suggest councelling (very emasculating and ego wrecking), but didn’t get anywhere. He may be bigger and resentful now – but what lies behind that is an incredible hurt and pain.
He is not spending this time trying to get you to understand that it’s over. He is confused because he wants you but is terrified of getting hurt again. I agree that you shouldn’t continue NC but stay in touch now and then, and consistently be warm to him, ask to meet up. Call him tomorrow!
This is how I’m 100% seeing your situation.
@belle,
I believe your situation is unique because he feels in a way that you don’t love or care for him in a way you should for some reason. I can tell by talking to you over the last few weeks that that is not the case! In your position I would be very honest. Tell him you can’t change the past and you don’t wish to continue the past relationship – but rather to start fresh with him and Bury the past. Tell him you are willing to SHOW him and not just tell him how devoted you are to him. I think you should say you understand if he needs some time to decide. You need to let him know that you are still there for him and still love him. Tell him you won’t put your life on hold for him and will continue to live your life but that you hope he chooses to come back to him and if he realizes he wants to salvage the relationship you want him to tell you so you can evaluate where your head is at. Then you should tell him you will respect his space and time to decide. I think after saying all of this to him, you should keep brief periods of Nc between 2-3 weeks. And then you can gently reach out every few weeks to remind him you’re still there and love him and just to be friendly. I think talking to him calmly and being honest with exactly how you’re feeling will be way more beneficial than being emotional and crying and begging for another chance. Remember, it’s easy in our situations to want the quick fix. But say he came back tomorrow, it probably wouldn’t last as the wounds are too fresh on both sides. Keep the lines of communication and tell him you won’t give up on the relationship but don’t expect for/ask for any action from him right now. If you want a lasting reconciliation I think you need to really give it a few months without getting back together to let yourselves heal. You don’t want to pressure him into coming back but want him to decide to come back on his own. During the next few months you should give him space while reminding him every so often that you’re there. Patience is key!@Belle because he lost his trust in you sticking around he may try to test you to see if you still want him at later points. Thinking about it, I think that was what his sky email was really about. To see if you were still interested – if he could trust that you consistently want him back
I’m very happy for you!!! I think it was the right time to reach out because it just happened naturally.
It would have made him miss you no doubt!!I’m happy that you will wait until the summer but move towards moving on if he isn’t ready then. Do what feels right for you – and if that is to stay in touch with him every now and then- then do so! Ultimately I don’t think it’s a good idea to go against our own instincts so if your instincts tell you this is right and will make you happier then go for it:)
Thank you ladies,
I’m only beginning to see his hurt to be honest. I think because of his love for me in the past (he actually mentioned that today, he said everyone knew how much he loved me) I kind of used it as power and he would do anything I wanted and I guess he let me get away with lots! I wasn’t nasty in anyway it was just that he’d do everything I wanted! Lol.
I guess Nov was the turning point for him, he had enough! I can see I’ve hurt him so much he can’t be with me.I will want to talk to him tomorrow but I don’t know how to approach it as I get so upset when he reaffirms that too much has gone on. I don’t think he will be up for meeting up but I might ask if he wants to take my son out or even just for him to give the Xmas present my son got him. That should pull a few heart strings?
In the call I did ask my ex if he had met anyone else and he said no, definitely not and he’s not going on any date sites either! ( that was for my benefit! Hehe)
Yes the Sky email Aphrodite, you know he’s not asked me about it again but I see it was a sign that he was reaching out, he did not need to contact me at all.Aphrodite, how’s your day going? You’ve been playing therapist today and not the patient! So, how’s it going your end of things?
Crying is rubbish, I’ve got red eyes now and I’m going out later! Great.
@aphrodite, i think I’ve finally gotten to the point where i don’t expect anything to come out of reaching out to him. we haven’t discussed the relationship and getting back together since i saw him in person at the beginning of decemeber except for new years day but it was mainly just me telling him that I’ve accepted his decision and am doing better. he always seems happy to hear from me – but why wouldn’t he!? i think I’ve also learned that it doesnt matter so much what i do or how i act as long as I’m not begging or pleading or pressuring him. i try to give him his space but he does seem happy to hear from me and interested when i reach out. my ex is very stubborn and he’s also not a game player. he sees to feel this time is NECESSARY and i don’t doubt for a minute that if at a point he feels ready, he’ll let me know. i think this phase he is going through is completely internal and he’ll stay in it until he feels ready regardless of how i act. i agree with what you said about going by our own instincts. we all know our exes the best and can recognize what might or might not work to get them back. theres no full proof plan to get them back, we can just make ourselves happy, check in every so often until we feel over it enough, and see if they want to come back on their own. i will ask him to meet up in april probably or hopefully wait until he reaches out on my birthday and then ask him to meet up in may. but anyway, how are you feeling today?! is nc getting any easier for you?
@belle, i would do your best to be confident and strong. if you both want to reconcile, he will need to give this up eventually. one of my best friends broke up with her boyfriend last year for about 2 months. she panicked a bit that we were graduating from college and wanted some time to be single. she slept with other guys – one consistently during this time. when we graduated, she wanted her ex back. he gladly took her back because he had been devastated and crying and miserable that she had broken up with him. its now been over 6 months and he still brings up that time period to her and what she did then and makes her feel horribly about it. she was understanding at first but finally she had enough. he knew what she did when he took her back – she took the risk of losing him and if he didn’t want to reconcile, he had every right to turn hr down. she finally told him he either needed to get over the past if he wanted to be with her and trust going forward it wouldn’t happen again. she said if he can’t get over it, they need to end things now. this is something your ex will have to learn if you reconcile. theres only so much you can apologize for in the past! you can assure him going forward things will be very different and the time apart has realized how much you love him and never want to be without him again. you can show him how committed you are to him, but eventually he will need to be the one to decide if he can’t get over the past! i would take very small steps here. i wouldn’t ask him to meet up yet. i would wait a few weeks. try to have some calm conversations without getting crazy emotional and see how he reacts to that. if you think things are going well then ask him to meet up. a little advice – i met up with my ex at the beginning of the summer when i clearly was not ready. it was SO nice to see him. i loved sitting across from him again getting coffee and making all our old jokes. it felt so good when he hugged and kissed me after and told me still loved me. but when i brought up the relationship, he still told me he loved me but wasn’t ready to commit to me again yet. i was CRUSHED. in retrospect, i really wasn’t ready to see him yet. i thought it would make me feel better and i guess a part of me also thought him seeing me would make him want to reconsider but as i said, he’s very stubborn. make sure if you do meet up with your ex you’re emotionally ready and can handle it. it will most likely feel different and weird and a reconciliation probably wont come out of the first meeting. i know for me it only made things harder and set me back. thats why I’ve promised myself even if i make contact via text message, i will not ask him to meet up for at least another 3 months so that i can be sure I’m strong enough to handle it. don’t rush anything here!
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