NC support

good morning everyone!

@mike2014, thanks for your input on my situation. i agree if he does come back it needs to be clear its for the long-haul and unfortunately because of his young age, i fear this might not happen for a very long time. but my plan is to stay the course, keep nc, and keep living my life. he’ll probably reach out when i least expect it anyway. thats why I’m trying to really stay in nc a long time before i contact him – because i don’t want him to be back unless he’s 100% committed and thats a conclusion he’ll have to come to on his own, without any help from me. also, i completely get what you’re saying about being scared to confront your ex because if she still doesnt want the relationship, the door will be closed as its been a while and you’ve already asked her to reconcile. i completely understand this fear and i feel like you’ll just know if/when you’re ready to have this conversation. i think you’ll get to a certain point that you’ll be ok if she rejects you and you’ll feel almost ready to close the door if she doesnt want to get back together because after a certain amount of time if theres no reconciliation, you’ll want to get on with your life and meet someone else. take your time with this! i really believe it will come to you naturally when you feel ready to make this move. as I’m slowly learning going through all this, patience is key in this process. you will know in your heart when you feel ready to initiate this conversation with her. I’m assuming your relationship feels a bit unfinished (thats how mine feels at least), so when you feel ready you will have that conversation about the future and where you stand with her. I’m hoping my ex will initiate that conversation with me so i don’t have to, but who knows.

@belle, no!!! him saying he’s glad you have closure means absolutely NOTHING. what i took away from his email is he’s not happy with himself right now. as cliche as this sounds, i really believe you must love yourself before you can ever love somebody else. i think he wants you to be happy and have peace of mind while he is working on himself and straightening out his life. when you really love someone, you want them to be happy always, and i think right now he feels he can’t make you happy. this is something my ex said to me initially that when I’m happy he’s happy – always, even if we aren’t together. he told me thats why he doesnt want me sitting around waiting for him because he knows ill be miserable and he wants me to get out and enjoy life. i think this definitely could be similar for your ex. even if he thinks you can reconcile down the road, he knows he’s months away from that as he needs to figure his life out and doesnt want to confuse you or give you false hope. by answering quickly and respectfully i think it was his way of showing you he cares. and let the crying all out!!! its really therapeutic and helpful. i had a good one last night and one this morning!im not surprised this is an emotional day for you as day 1 of nc again always feels so draining and the road ahead of you looks long. stay strong – I’ve been there SO many times and it will get easier. I’m on 19 days and counting today 🙂

@aphrodite, i feel so sorry for all your ex has put you through. i can understand and relate to it a lot actually. while i never think my ex physically cheated and never saw any evidence that he did, i did catch him texting girls behind my back sometimes and i always kind of let it slide. i think he had some self-esteem and insecurity issues and knowing he could get other girls if we weren’t together always helped his confidence. i too am learning not to be a doormat! in my next relationship – whether it be with him or someone else – i will absolutely not tolerate this behavior! something else I’m starting to understand from your story is that you gave too much of yourself to this guy. I’m guilty of the same as well. i think you seem like a very caring person and made him your top priority always – sometimes even above yourself! i did this too and I’m slowly learning that the next time around i will always love and put myself first. its what our exes are doing now by breaking up with us!!! i think its normal you’re feeling angry, hurt, and resentful today. you have every reason to!!! and its even more frustrating because you’re still in love with the guy and i feel the exact same way! i know it seems hard to put one foot in front of the other, but you are doing it and you’re halfway through nc! even though day by day it might not seem you are making progress, think back to the beginning and look how far you have come. whether or not you reconcile with your ex you’re going to have the opportunity to show him and new you eventually and i can bet he will be so impressed and feel like an idiot for ever treating you so poorly! hang in there!! i know the anger is exhausting! its how I’ve felt the past two days at least, but its just one stop on these roller coaster of emotions. we will all get better as time passes and our exes will regret letting us go as they clearly mean the world to us no matter what and that is difficult to find!

@belle, happy to hear you have good news!! I always try my best to take one positive thing out of the day. it actually helps! usually before i go to bed when my ex is on my mind, i try to name one good thing that happened that day. sometimes it is really small – as simple as having a good meal, but it does help me to see that i am still enjoying things, even though my ex is out of my life! for all of us, i think its easier to gave an opinion on someone else’s situation because we are emotionally involved. i actually think this is a main point of nc. through nc, we all want to get to a place that we can analyze our own failed relationships without so much emotion tied to it. i think thats where some people miss the true meaning of nc. i feel just like you in that i can never imagine living without this pain. i know in my heart that my ex needs a lot of time as well. sometimes, i feel so overwhelmed by visualizing how long the road is ahead of me. i imagine it will take a very long time before either he comes back or i have moved on and feel less pain. it is really frustrating and as we said earlier, i guess we’re just doing our time!

I know we all want to be over our ex’s so we can move on… It’s utterly draining and too time consuming. My ex has not reached out since end of Nov. Since that was the last time your ex reached out do you think that saying it’s all over is a bit premature? Only you know that one…I think your scenario is different again to others where you allowed him to treat you like a doormat.
I know our circumstances are different but what’s making you think he ain’t ever coming back?
I believe your thought process is a healthy one and you will achieve happiness probably quicker than me because I’ve not given up yet (to him it’s a closed book, done and dusted thank you very much and goodbye lol).
I wish I was how you’re thinking, to hang on for someone is unhealthy!

I did have a chuckle to myself about crying to “get that shit out! ” hahaha

Yes I’ve seen that video, it all helps….

I think I might celebrate tonight the arrival of the poppy with a little tipple! Hehe

So, what’s the difference between someone whose addicted to yourself or one whose just head over heels in love?

Aphro,you said your ex contacts you several times a day, nightly calls etc, how is this addicted? My ex was kind of obsessive about me seriously so. To begin with I thought it creepy,like he would copy things I did, or my opinions, when we were looking for a house he just agreed with everything I liked or even changed my mind he would change his mind too!
I think to analysis people and there actions it’s a too deep field as personalities, neediness, insecurities, love…. I think the addiction is a too broad spectrum we can shove everything underneath that umbrella as the excuse and reasoning why.
You were with him 10 yrs, that’s a lot of time! Obviously you both changed and he might have taken the piss with you which you allowed and the more he walked over you the more you took it until he probably did t respect you and even not like himself. He’s probably in disgust with himself and if he is indeed with another woman you know it would be a rebound, not that is much comfort I know. I think once men cross that boundry of sleeping with another woman it’s kind of over however much of a rebound and messed up they are. I know if my ex slept with someone else I could never ever have him back. But…. Look at D… He’s been in a 5 yr relationship after me, I don’t have the feeling for him as I do my ex but he’s giving me what I need and it’s companionship and distraction. He flatters me, pays attention to me and if it carried on and my ex closes his book with me then whose to say that D and I have a rebound and I sleep with him? I’ve no intention mark my word but talking hypothetically!
The difference I think is that many years have passed and I got over him long time ago so it’s like a new relationship (even though it’s not!). Everything that happened in the past is exactly there, he hurt me a lot, I felt as I do now. So, even though we say we wouldn’t sleep with our ex’s or want to get back with them if they have relations elsewhere, once the anger and hurt goes it is indeed just like a new relationship starting at chapter 1 with a new person except you’re familiar with that person.

We all need to move on, we all need to close our relationships and think to ourselves it’s over and it’s time to move on. We need to do that no matter what happens in the future. Not only do we have to close our relationships we actually have to get to the point where we bury our ex’s dead, rather than burying them alive! That, I’m afraid is what will take the time. This whole year will be working towards burying them dead. If they want to reignite the relationship then they will have to start from scratch.

Phew! I need a cuppa now and a get the shit out cry! Lol

When a thought of my ex pops up in my head I also say to myself….don’t do this to yourself. I understand Belle

I just realized it’s been 18 days NC.

That makes total sense Atea. Since iv been broken up for a long time, the 18 days have went fast. I like everyone here also wondering if we will ever talk again.

What is stil weird is her brother still texts me a lot. Usually Friday or Saturday nights we talk. He always sees what bar I’m at and if we can meet up.hes like my little brother and always will I tell him. We havnt discussed her lately which is good, we are now just friends which I like. He will,always be like family to me. I also trust him if I would tell him something. He kept everything i told him to himself and never told her. I think he took the breakup just as hard at me and sided with me over her which I feel bad about.

I do miss her parents as well. I emailed her mom in early summer not long after breaking up just to thank them for everything. I asked her not to tell my ex that I did this. I was surprised when in oct when I mentioned it to my ex I did this that she said her mom did in fact never tell her. She was sad I did that because as she said I did all these nice things when I didn’t have to and been real nice after she hurt me. My ex when we hang out would never mention it to them her brother would say, but last time my ex said her mom wanted her to make sure to tell me said hello and misses me. this is one of the tougher things as I’m sure you feal too Atea since we were with these people for a long time.