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Hey guys I’m still going through NC guys my journey has been quite the roller coaster! Some days I feel like superman and other days like today I am sad lonely contemplating. My ex broke up with me in July and we stayed in contact until December. He strung me along for so long and in November he started seeing someone. Up into recently I feel like his new guy has been causing problems. I feel like that’s karma. Because he chose that guy over me and look where it got him. A week before they got “serious” he told me in his car that we would always be a part of each other’s lives someway or another because he can’t get enough of me and I can’t get enough of him.
So I’m thinking to myself then why won’t you take me back? Do you guys think he really didn’t love me because he chose that other guy over me? I’m having a hard time understanding why would he choose another guy over me if he really cared. Just like I mention a couple days ago he called me and I didn’t answer which felt amazing because now he will respect me because I’m not his safety blanket anymore. He strung me along for 4 months. So guess how long my NC is gonna be??! 4 months.I owe that time to myself because I can never get those 4 months back. So with these 4 months I’m gonna work on myself!
Aphrodite,
Aphrodite, your story pains me so much. He treated you awfully and you took it. I agree with belle. The question about why he was intimate…well as a man he wasn’t being intimate, but just using you for pysical stimulation..that sounds blunt but is the truth. The fact he left without saying goodbye solidifies that. Iv done this with girls back B4 I met my ex and actually twice this summer. The one girl still texts me but I don’t respond. She knew I didn’t want a relationship with her. i told her that when we first met. It’s weird that after 10 years together he would do that to you tho. Very appalling.
When it comes to you looking at his phone and questioning him. You were more than in the right. He lied and cheated on you. If he loved you so much he should be open about what he is doing and going to make you feel comfortable after cheating. This will also sound mean so I will preference it with a sorry….most of my friends who cheat are serial cheaters and your ex reminds me of them. It’s always blame their wife or girlfirend to cover up what they really are doing. They deflect blame and try to mind control you to stop asking them what they are doing. if I cheated on a girl and really was sorry, I’d let her have my phone for a whole week to prove nothing was going on or show her every text. I’d have to win back her trust not deflect blame.
Belle,
I read your exes response…I’m not sure what to make of it. I guess he sounds bitter, but I think he’s more just upset with his path of life over a long period of time. I’m not even sure the lost time is directly linked to your relationship. It seems like he’s talking about his whole life in general. I could be wrong. It also seems like he understands that your at point where you are ready to move on and accepts that. He definitely acknowledges closure and moving on. I don’t know if it means you guys won’t reunite at some time later, but it seems like he’s not right at the moment to be with anyone. He seems like life has beaten him down…how old is he?
I could be way wrong with my response here. I’m not the best judge of what people say and what they mean.
He’s probably really guilty about walking away from your son, so he doesn’t want to bring him up. That’s my guess.
Atea,
Feel free to always rant! I think your best bet is to stay on course, but live like your a single girl everyday. Don’t hold back living life. He mad a choice to ask for space. He’s the one taking a gamble. I’m not saying give up hope or love, but just enjoy life. i think you have a great chance at reconciling. Definitely better than me. He has been honest about this being a break and not a break up. When you feel ready to talk to him about what is going on, don’t be afraid to do that. It’s really up to you when that time is. It could be April like you said or end of next month. You will know when that time is.
I think if he comes back you will have to say, the next time we take a break, it will be a permanent one. Set the ground rules on that so he doesn’t feel like he can walk away and just casually come back when he wants. If he comes back it will have to be for a totally committed relationship. If he can’t accept that then he isn’t ready and you both will be at different points of view.
Thanks Mike for your input, yes I think he’s so pissed off with life. He’s 40 by the way, he keeps looking what others have and compares himself. That’s got a lot to do wth me because basically he came from his own family struggling on a policemans wage and three kids to me, basically by sons are in private school and I’m just more fortunate. So…. He began this lifestyle with me and he loved it. He began wanting to live life a wealthy man. The house we were going to buy was a NICE house! So ethi h he will never be able to do on his own. Just our lifestyle was a comfortable one. So, by him leaving me, it’s all gone for him and I think he’s kind of got that depressed feeling of back to square one. But both of us have exactly the same what we both came into the relationship. He left the police and started working abroad for more money, that is something he gained with me so not sure why he’s completely down!?
Atea…we all think how can we ever trust our ex’s agin! It’s a big problem and something that has to be accepted and move on from that thought. Anyone whose been hurt by someone fears this though. Some people can’t get back with their ex’s because of this reason.
I am soooo proud of you for not sending the text!!! Amazing self control! And “I miss you” is something that will make you seem weak and needy, and like he’s still got his safety next exactly where he wants it.
To be (a bit dramatic) I feel that break ups are a bit like a death and rebirth, or many of them. We have to go into the pit of the darkness in order to emerge a stronger person. If you are thinking he may not come back, perhaps that is something you need to go through in order to emerge stronger afterwards.
I know how you feel, that you wouldn’t know how to trust him even if he did come back, and wouldn’t know how to forgive his actions and worry what he did with whom.
I feel exactly the same and in that rational sense – I don’t see us being together everrrr again! As I don’t know how I could bare that paranoia, trust him or forgive him. My heart says something else though. I think we just have to cross that bridge when we get to it.
I think you should wait a bit with telling him you agree with the break up and that you want to close the door, until you have thought about it a lot and still think it’s the right thing to say. I’m saying this because emotions do fluctuate a lot for us!I don’t want you to be in a position where you have said you wanted to close the door, but find yourself wanting to hang out with him or something.
Perhaps you can find closure in a different way. I can’t say as only you know what’s best for you.
That being said I definitely think your ex will be back. He’s not contacting you because he’s ashamed, and doesn’t want to give you mixed feelings. Once you’re stronger and moving on I think he will turn around.
Haha– I have serious problems restraining myself with shopping when I feel down! I haven’t bought any new clothes (other than exercise clothes) though because I want to renew myself from the inside before I get to the outside. I think I dressed to impress and right now I’m not interested in impressing anyone but him.
That’s great then — we both have the same timeline plan! By the summer we will be exactly where we want to be:) We just have to make sure to put the work in every day until then!
Thank you!! Ugh, I know, I was a complete doormat!
When I spoke to my ex around New Years he apologised for not saying goodbye to me, and said it was because had he seen me he would have taken me back. On the same day he left he texted me to say he was at work crying because he hadn’t been able to bring himself to saying goodbye. I don’t know if it was true or if he just wanted to escape the awkwardness of the situation because of what had happened the night before and him not wanting to be with me.
Either way I hate him for being able to leave me like that, knowing it would be the last time after 10 years, and I do feel incredibly used. I resent him and want to talk about it, but he will never let me talk and just tell me things like that I should speak to a therapist about it instead, and say that me expressing myself over what he’s done to hurt me is too hurtful and stressful to him. To be honest with you sometimes I wonder if his “emotions” are just an act due to guilt and not wanting to anger me, when he really is entirely indifferent towards me. I can’t figure this guy out. Maybe the reason I can’t figure him out is because I’m always trying to look for the good in him when perhaps it just isn’t there.
Thank you!!! I completely agree. If he would have been worried about me cheating I would have shown him my phone and my computer, and done everything I could to put his mind at ease and assure him he’s the one I want. He NEVER did anything like this, he would just be angry with me for not trusting him and accusing him, or bring up something I did to hurt him years ago. And don’t be sorry, I agree with you! Deflecting blame is definitely what he’s been doing and it would not at all surprise me if he has cheated a lot more. My worry is that he hasn’t been as bad as I think, that for example the sock didn’t belong to another girl but really was left over from the previous owners.
I just had a memory of when he went to a festival years ago. He came home with a thong and convinced me one of his male friends had brought it and that they had been messing around with it, throwing it at each other for fun. Wow how naive I was…. I feel like such an idiot. Some signs have been downright obvious and I believed way too many lies. The worst part for me is thinking how little he must respect me for not standing up to him more and believing his BS.
I’m worried this relationship has ruined me and I’ll now be paranoid with every other man as well.He was definitely mind controlling me to make me stop asking further questions. To be honest it it feels like he treated the relationship like one of his strategy games. I have backed down so much in this relationship. When I accused him of things that upset me he even resorted to bringing up things he was upset about from years ago and started crying about it in order to deflect the conversation, so I had to comfort him instead. This was a regular thing.
Thanks so much for your response Mike!!
How are you doing this morning?
I can see how he thinks he’s back to square one then.
He really should do some self help work to be happy where he is in life! Perhaps him being bitter towards you and not wanting you to take him back really has to do with him feeling like he isn’t worth you. So maybe he’s now trying to get to a point where he can be worth you and feel like he’s the man who can buy you nice things etc. A lot of men find it emasculating to be with a woman who’s got more riches than then, unfortunately. Even though they love it they will always have that bitterness towards you because they’re feeling second best and are worried someone else more suited will scoop you up.
The story with my ex is a bit similar. I showed him “a whole new world” (he did with me too though but in a different way). I educated him on a lot of stuff that he’s now using for his benefit. I know he was blown away by me at the beginning, from my style and appearance (and that of my friends too), and comfortable living. He has been resentful for this, I know, because I haven’t had to work as hard as him for what I have. He’s made comments that make it clear he’s bitter about that.
However since he got his own house and the great job promotion, it has completely gone to his head, and I believe he’s after a new and better “trophy”, someone that won’t remind him of what a bad person he has been at times. I question if he ever loved me or if I was just a stepping stone, a ladder for him to get to someplace else. It makes me sick that I supported him financially for two years and what I got back was disrespect and to be taken out with the trash without a goodbye after use. I’ve learned that men with low-self esteem are dangerous once they get high self-esteem from external things. It hurts me how much I’ve tried to build him up only to be treated this way.Feeling angry, helpless, resentful and most of all used today. I’m gobsmacked by that he hasn’t contacted me yet. His lack of contact is only making me more angry with him every day that goes by, as it is as if 10 years meant nothing. Me and him must be in two entirely different places… I’m still stagnating in the mud wanting him to return and he’s already moved on and left it all behind him forever. I don’t know how to recover from this! I know I’ve got to put one foot ahead of the other but I really don’t know how to recover.
Aphrodite,
I was really hoping after my post and then re reading it that you weren’t going to give me the business. It was really rather blunt. I can’t really figure him out from what you have said. I just feel like he was somewhat manipulative towards you. I think looking back at how you were then and how you want to be in the future will definitely make you better in your next relationship, with who ever that is with. We all have learned so much about ourselves and things we want to change. I’m happy about that and thank you all for helping me with that.
I have been thinking about if I will ever ask for her back or talk about our relationship again. I don’t know why I’m so scared to do that. It’s weird, but I have always avoided confrontation with her. It’s even more weird that with other people I say exactly what’s on my mind and don’t care what they think. I used to be pretty mean to other girls when I was with my ex. She used to get mad at me for that. She would always say just cause we are together you don’t have to ignore females or be mean to them. I just hated really upsetting her or making her feel bad. I think maybe because she became so insecure and self conscious towards the end. I would be annoying and nit pick small things but never really gave it to her. I never thought she was strong enough to really get yelled at.
I shouldn’t even be feeling like this now, she broke up with ME lol. I always tried and still do to really put her feeling first.Maybe it’s because I know if I do confront her and get rejected again I know the door is completely closed. I don’t think I ever fully want the door to be closed.
Aphrodite,
I’m sorry you are feeling down today. I hope the rest of your day gets better.
I’m a guy internally with low self esteem, but on the outside no one would ever know it. I think at the end my ex is the only one who realized it. She was the only one I ever shared my insecurities with. It was really hard to do that for me. I would have rather been strong and helped her through her dilemmas and I tried to deflect my problems so she wouldn’t always no.
Belle,
In some ways I understand how your ex feels. For me as I got older life became alittle draining. What I saw myself as when I graduated to where I am now doesn’t make me happy. I’m almost 30 and not where I want to be. It does get hard. As a guy well at least for me it eats away at you from the inside overtime. It’s not easy to share with anyone when you feel like that. That’s why for a period I isolated myself. I became distant from doing things I always enjoyed.
Krisem,
You answered your own question.. You need time to yourself to get stronger.
I don’t think she didn’t love you at one point or that she doesn’t now. If you were it’s her for a long time I’m sure their was love their or why would you be together?
If she is with someone now, you have no choice but to give space.
Guys…do you really think he meant it when he said he’s glad I’ve found closure and closed the book on us?
Feel sooo down today 🙁
Noooo, @Belle !
He’s bitter and that’s obvious. Nobody would be glad that their ex is moving on and has closed the book if they’re feeling bitter towards them!!
I promise you this wasn’t a “I’m genuinely very pleased to hear that you’re moving on”, but a “GOOD FOR YOU!!!!…….. At least ONE of us moving on…”. That is entirely how I read it, in the context of everything else. He hasn’t said anything about him moving on or closing the book himself. He has also said this will be difficult for him.Hang in there soldier!
Oh Aphrodite,
Why have to go through so much pain!
Thank you for your reasoning! I guess I hear it as he says it but your right, he’s bitter as hell.
I had a bit of a cry in the car today… Argg, when I feel it coming on I say out loud to GET A GRIP FOR GODS SAKE!Don’t you find that all of us once we’ve had contact with our ex’s we are very emotional and down afterwards!
You’re right about how they’ve felt being supported financially or being with someone better off than they are. It was always an issue for him. As we get older and have 2nd 3rd long term relationships we acquire assets, houses etc and just generally in work longer to acquire more things. If a guy comes out of a marriage with kids, generally he won’t have much because he’s left it all behind, just like my ex, he had to start again and did well except he was rubbish with money.
For your ex to use you like that is unacceptable, but I hear you when you say you had some really good time and I don’t doubt that because you wouldn’t be here if there were no good times!How are you feeling now Aphro?
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