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Posts
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Mike
It’s my ex that had the trust issues. Yes he would look at my phone randomly. He came into the relationship with the issues because he dumped his wife because he sneeked onto her phone and saw a flirtatious text. So history has repeated itself and he can’t recognise he’s got issues.
He punched above his weight with me and he doesn’t realise what he’s actually lost. Not sure what will make him wake up and smell coffee.
Maybe him coming back to me and I’ve moved on…??I’m in London by the way.
That could definitely be it belle. Sometimes when you least expect it they come back. Crossing fingers as I say this lol.
As a man I will say I was absolutely horrible with public displays of affection. I remember walking around with her and she would grab my hand and it would take me awhile to realize it then I would pull my hand away and smile at her. I was such an idiot lol. The last two years we had many talks about me being more affectionate because I would be cold and distant at times. I would be great for a few months and then revert back to being an idiot. Now I’m sitting here saying I would never do that stuff again. I realized I was idiot right when we broke up and wish I could take the dumb stuff I did back. She was really self conscious at the end and didn’t like her looks. Still brings it up when I see her, makes a point to put herself down? I try to say even now I think you look great and she shouldn’t think like that. It’s like my compliment goes right through her. She has it stuck in her head even now she doesn’t look good.I didn’t give her enough attention and tell her that she was beautiful enough. A lot of times thinking back I don’t blame her for leaving haha.
Do you think he will ever realize it? I know I did immediately.
Their shouldn’t be a question mark after down. That was a statement and not a question
My ex paid me attention, was touchy feely, wanted to hold my hand. I didn’t realise though but I think actually at times he would hold back and wait to see if I would hold his. Very needy guy!
He knew he did well in getting me but that brought a whole sense of insecurity in him.All I can say Mike is that you now know what you did wrong, given the time again you would not have behaved like that.
Why did you hold back with affection?
My old ex who I’m back in touch with now, he behaved like you, cold, not affectionate at all. It became the lowest point of my life. I still loved him but put my self through hell. I wish I had of had the strength to told him to fling his hook! It’s got to be the worst feeling in the world to love someone but they actively don’t hold your hand or embrace you when you’ve not seen them for a while.
I’m casually seeing him again at the moment, he wants to get back together with me and I’m very flattered as he’s a great looking guy but really I would rather someone who made me feel adored. Someone who wanted to touch me, hold my hand, kiss me randomly… All the things that make you feel loved and wanted.
I feel sorry for your ex to have gone what she did with you because as I’ve said, Ive experienced it.So, why the lack of affection from you? I’m intrigued.
I’ve asked my old ex so many times why he behaved like that with me and he can’t answer, he doesn’t know. Maybe being polite?
@mike2014, i am in the US – in NY! are you here as well? and its funny you should say that about your friend who has been with his girlfriend since he’s 16. my ex told me if he didn’t take this time away he would always resent me and wonder what if and so if we wanted to be together in the future he needed this time to get this out of his system and prove to himself he wants to be with me. twice in college we took two brief “breaks” which only lasted a month or two so i don’t think it was ever enough time for him to go through this. also I’m glad to hear you recognize where you went wrong in your past relationship. i do think at some point you should tell her all of this. i understand why you are hesitant to say something now but i do think in time you should say everything you’ve said in here to your ex. i do believe sometimes we need to lose something and spend time away from it to realize how valuable it really was. if thats the case – i think you should tell her. and i know what you mean about when you least expect it is probably when they’ll be back. i try not to expect it but still wonder how long my ex will need this time off to confirm he wants to be with me! i also wonder if he still even wants to reconcile down the road. its so hard to know but i can’t keep asking him, so leaving it be for now. i will not contact him for a while to give him a true taste of life without me.
@belle, i think what you said about my ex is spot on. i would hate him to 10 years from now be wondering what if so i guess its good this has happened now while I’m still young so he does have time to date others and be single and if we want to reconcile in time we have a lot of time left before either one of us would want to settle down. i just get nervous because say we separate for 6 months – would 6 months off really be enough time to explore all that is out there? i fear he really would need years away from me in which case the relationship is a lost cause. I’m not sure and all of the different possibilities make my head spin with confusion! as for your ex, maybe he was a bit needy and searching for security from you initially because of how his ex wife acted. you describe him as needy and it makes me wonder if he is maybe trying to see how much you would fight for him to get him back? I’m not suggesting you do this now! but maybe thats what he’s searching for? i say stick with nc for a while and then reach out to see where his head is at. i think at the end of the day what you somehow need to get across to him is that you do love him very much but he has acted like an immature cold and distant guy through this breakup! it sounds like he might need affirmation that your feelings are still strong if and when you decide you want to reach out about reconciling. for now, i think you should just have fun with D! do you discuss your ex at all with him? i find i love talking to different guys about my situation as they are coming from a totally different perspective girls are! I’m sure its nice and flattering to have him around but makes you miss the connection you had with your ex a bit as well. anyway, congrats on another day NC – you’ve passed the halfway mark!I showed her I loved her with how I treated her. That was with respect. I just didn’t understand why holding hands was so important and honestly still don’t. I was more than affectionate at home and never said a cruel word to her in 8 plus years. I never cheated or stepped out on her. And I was far from cold in the bedroom. I was never one to hold a hand from the beginning really. I don’t know why I’m not touchy feely in public…not sure why
I’m from eastern PA AteaI also wouldn’t feel too bad for her lol…I used to take her to Broadway shows, go to dance shows and recitals, and nice expensive dinners to show her I cared, all things she loved. I actually became fond of Broadway shows and dance stuff because of her.now only if she wouldn’t fall asleep when I was watching basketball on TV lol.
Speaking of dance…I really miss the days early in our relationship when she would come over after her dance classes with her liatard under her sweats. I can never get those days back…damn. That was when she was at her sexiest for me. Even more than when she would get all dressed up. I’m a simple man I guess lol.
it sounds like you were a good boyfriend to her, no one is perfect! i think she broke up with you more due to internal issues and the relationship just losing its spark a bit. i do think you can reconcile after those things and i think its very clear you’re willing to put in the effort needed to mend the relationship. i really feel for you. it must be frustrating that she’s so emotional over the situation but doesnt want to reconcile, especially now that you’ve been broken up for a while and you both have had time to process. i still don’t think you should give up on it though. it sounds like you had a very loving and mature relationship. since my ex and i broke up I’ve done a lot of reflecting and i feel like a connection like my ex and i had is really hard to come by. me ex and i always said that things felt very natural between that and i always loved that about the relationship. it sounds like yours was the same. i think you should tell her how you feel and lay it all out there eventually and give her the option before you really leave it in the past. i plan to do this to my ex but after he’s had more time to explore and be on his own. maybe a real period of nc will be a great opportunity for both of you to miss each other and real work on yourselves
Hey guys I was thinking today about NC. Do you all believe this method actually works? I sometimes feel like going weeks and weeks without contacting your ex will make them forget about you. But most importantly NC is about working on yourself? I feel like I answered my own question lol but all I’m saying is I feel like with NC with your ex wouldn’t that hurt the connection?
Atea,
I guess your time plan of April is a good one. It’s a good time to be able to re address your situation and by then he would have had time to know if he wants to carry on being the single guy or start seeing you again. We love in an unhealthy state like this and I really believe that as soon as we’ve let it all go and moved on that will be the time they come back! In mean time NC makes us look rational and sane to them!
About my ex and his neediness! I guess I cried and begged so much at the beginning and with his coldness and affirmations that he def didn’t want to get back with me then that’s when I started on this site and NC. He showed so much anger that I need to do NC for him and me. I at least need to get back to being able to talk to him as you know.
In a few weeks at the end of NC I will send the email and see if I get a response.Mike
This time you have for self improvement, maybe look into why certain people don’t like showing PDA? I think it’s a sign that you deeply care about your partner and you don’t care whom sees Infact you want people to see! I’d dig deeper about this to understand your reasoning.Where is Aphrodite this morning!?
Krisem478
NC is not only about improving yourself but to give each other that time to reevaluate the situation, let negative feelings fade and to start missing watch other.
As the famous saying goes “absence makes he heart grow fonder”
That is a very old saying, it still stands today so there is. U h meaning in it.
My ex is angry with me, if I kept getting in touch I would just push him away rather than give space then come back more rational and interesting persons we’ve been together 8 years. He’s hardly going to forget me in 30 days but might start thinking I’ve move on in which he might reach out. More positives than negatives to NC!I’m here, just a lot to catch up on! Went to bed a bit later last night. I’m so thrilled that my sleep has finally improved! I have been doing this thought exercise where before falling asleep, I imagine placing all the negativity in my life into rockets that I send up into space, far away from me. Seems to be working!
Went to dinner with a friend last night, and she didn’t seem very compassionate about what I’m going through which hurt. Though she’s someone who has cheated on her boyfriend and is annoyed at him for not trusting her (when he doesn’t know she cheated), so it shouldn’t upset me coming from her. I think I’ll stop talking to friends about it and just talk to you guys – as you are going through the same and understand better than anyone! I don’t like that feeling when you’ve exposed yourself and your emotions and it just hits a stonewall.
How are you this morning?
@mike2014 I’m late twenties and my back story is we were best friends for two years, then together for 10 years. We spoke every single day of all those years. I moved to his country, and he abandoned me there to live elsewhere during a time that was critical to my future. He was sending extremely mixed messages – asking me to move in with him to where he was, then taking it back the next day etc. Then he broke up with me, told me he isn’t in love and will probably never want to get back together. I didn’t do anything apart from tell him I was upset about his behaviour. On the same night of the day he broke up, he initiated cuddling and cuddled and kissed me so much – seeming really happy!! What was this about? He was a complete mind f*ck! I think it boiled down to that he wasn’t able to handle my life baggage (I’ve got some heavy things going on in my life) and wasn’t willing to commit to support me through it, maybe being interested in someone else, and being fed up that I didn’t trust him (he cheated in the past and lied a lot), and getting a big ego from his new job and new house. I kept telling him all I wanted to trust him again was to feel appreciated and loved, for him to take me out to dinner or something. He promised he would take me out when he got a job, but it didn’t happen, and he promised he would when he got a promotion, but it didn’t happen and then he broke up. It seems to me now as if he planned breaking up a long time, but had moments of cold feet which is what made me ignore the signs that he was drifting. I feel as though he used me as a stepping stone for until he had his own life in order, because I kept him afloat financially for two years before he got his job. I feel very used. The last time I saw him, we were intimate and he didn’t say goodbye the next morning though he knew it would be the last time he ever saw me. This made me feel so cheap and as if our 10 years meant nothing.
I recall he had found a female sock in his brand new house and he thought it was mine. I gave him the silent treatment, and he asked me why I was so silent. I said “because why the hell do you have a female sock in your brand new house that isn’t mine?”. He went on to say “see, this is why I can’t see us together, you don’t trust me”
What do you think of this? Was I in the right to be suspicious when he has lied in the past, cheated, and now had a female sock in his brand new house? Him talking to me like that made me feel very oppressed. Like there was always something wrong with me for being suspicious. Once I found (didn’t snoop) texts from another girl I had never heard of calling him baby all the time, I said I wanted to call her to tell her to stop flirting with him. He said “if you do that I’ll break up with you”. So I didn’t. One time when we were on a break and I was on holiday with friends I told him I had kissed two guys, and he said “if you don’t come to my country this weekend I will never want to be with you again”. Of course I went and payed for the trip myself. He was so controlling and manipulative, and I was such a doormat, afraid of loosing him. It sickens me to think what little respect he must have for me, for putting up with his behaviour and never showing my spine. I imagine him seeing me as nothing, just someone he could use for his own benefit as I would obey everything and fall for his threats. He wasn’t reached out since mid-November. With all that being said though, when things were good, they were mind-blowing good! 🙁Sorry for the rant it just opened a can of worms. @Belle @atea1234 would love your input on what I wrote there also. Feeling hurt this morning x
Aphrodite,
Talking to friends is dangerous business unless you can guarantee they can be sensitive and compassionate to your situation.
You made me laugh about your friend who’s cheated on her bf but then questions why he doesn’t trust her, and being totally unaware of what she’s done. I think there is a time bomb waiting to go off in that relationship! Then the tables will turn and you can then be insensitive back to her! Hahaha. Sorry, shouldn’t be cruel but some people deserve it…. No.. I should say that either.. Ooh..let’s change subject..Aphrodite, your story pains me so much. He treated you awfully and you took it. Def low self esteem and low self worth on your behalf and you allowed him to treat you like shit. What made you stay was the good times, I can see that!
You deserve soooooo much better. He clearly has no respect for you and by you cutting him out your life for now is the best thing you can do!
I’m pretty positive he will be back. He had his cake and ate it with you and he will try it again when he gets lonely. I just hope by the. You toughen up to him and set ground rules.
A good friend of mine lets her self get used by men. She’s hopeless. She’s insecure and needy, she won’t set standards and may meet a guy who clearly is playing away from home and she accepts it, she then gets upset the way she’s treated!
Saying that,she now gets totally paranoid with most men thinking they are all using her for a bit on the side. She recently met a guy off a dating site, got to 2 nd date, he bought her flowers etc and made her feel special. The next day she text him to suggest her going over to his place to meet his dog (she’s recently lost her dog after a long illness). This guy didn’t respond. My friend was beside herself, then claiming clearly he’s living with someone… I said whoah! Just because he’s not replied doesn’t mean he’s living with someone! I always have to ground her? 2 days past and he had fallen ill and was taken to hospital.
Anyway, the moral of the story is that she’s allowed herself to be used time over, standards are low, I’ve told her to make a guy chase her to see if he’s really keen.
She’s kind of been damaged time over and still not recognised her issues, so the cycle continues.
Many of these love rats come back time and time again and she allows them back! She’s a soft touch and now she’s f’cked up totally!So Aphrodite, time to man up and realise that your behaviour had a knock on effect to your ex. You allowed him to behave in this manner. You’ve realised now that you allowed to be used like a door mat. So from this day forward for the rest of your life there will be no more being treated like a doormat, not even if he comes back with flowers and diamonds.
I really feel your ex will come back but if he comes back and your vulnerable you will be open to be hurt again.
So you need to be strong, really strong for this guy!Hope I’ve not been too harsh! Will be interesting getting Mikes view on your position!
Atea at some point you asked if I speak to D about my ex. Yes I do but I’m reserved because I could totally dominate and become so boring! Haha. Talking is good but least on here we can go,on and on and on and on…. Hahaa
Feeling very down today. I have feelings of hopelessness. I keep thinking that she will never speak to me again. I did so many appalling things. Her parents are against me, she has this guy her parents made her see (who she is still with) and I acted so mean and obsessive towards her. My last contact was another sorry message via text last Tuesday. I had sent previous texts before that, which failed to deliver, because she is in her home country on holiday. My fear is that these will be delivered once she returns, making me seem even more obsessive still.
Can anyone offer me some encouragement? Thanks
@Belle Yes it clearly is dangerous business! I won’t be talking much to friends about this any more. And yes I think the same about my friend’s relationship as you. Haha! I don’t think I would have it in me to be insensitive, but it would teach her a lesson!
You’re absolutely right – low self esteem and low self worth, but also being naive in believing that kindness with conquer all (this is why I feel quite protective of you atea1234).
I can see clear patterns in that I was used to being nice to those who treated me poorly, my siblings. I would take and take and take insults and I did not ever say a single word back, instead I went and cried in my bedroom unbeknown to them, as I thought one day they will grow up and realise they had no grounds to behave how they did.
This break up has taught me an invaluable lesson, and that is to not be afraid of loosing someone by setting boundaries (because the act of doing so will only attract them to you), realising that boundaries are in fact what will make them respect and value you. If you take crap they will think you see yourself fit for it, and deem you less valuable. Also that if words are not accepted, action needs to be taken. It’s a hard lesson because I want to believe that kindness conquers all. I have to realise that it’s entirely possible to be kind and have boundaries at the same time. My mother is someone completely without boundaries, who lets herself be used for what she’s worth without getting anything back, and she has very low feelings of self worth because she isn’t getting much back, and believes she’s not good enough when she does more for everyone than anyone I know. I think I have unintentionally adopted this from her, and it’s time both of us learn to know our worth. Respect = setting boundaries and that’s something completely new to me.He definitely didn’t have any respect for me and I can understand why. I’m hoping that in time he will see how lucky he was to have someone who put up with it all until the very end.
Your friend seems like she’s going through the same! Would you pass on a message to her? It’s to read “Mr.Unavailable and the Fallback Girl”. This book was such an eye opener to me! You might want to have a look at it too. Also she should learn to enjoy her own company, and not continuously try to escape from it by the attention of a man. Regarding her paranoia about the guy she was seeing, is so easy to project what you have been through with others onto someone else. I think the truth is that everyone you meet is a blank canvas, and you decide how they will treat you, by reinforcing good behaviour, by complimenting them on attributes you want them to have (for example if you’re worried about someone being loyal tell them how much you love how loyal they are to you and they will want to be it), and by showing boundaries when they cross the line of what you are and aren’t comfortable with.The issue I have after my ex is that my standards are now incredibly high when it comes to compatibility, sex, intelligence, humour, romance and feeling a bond, despite me having low standards in other areas. With my newfound knowledge though that shouldn’t be too much of a problem!
My relationship with this ex may be over for good and his view of me and respect for me tainted forever, but at least I have learned valuable lessons.
So don’t worry you weren’t harsh at all! I have definitely realised that I was co-creator of his bad behaviour and I was responsible for my own pain and suffering because of it. I got some of this wisdom from Actualized – I’m so happy you gave me that tip! He has a video saying you are responsible for absolutely everything that happens in your life, in the sense of how you decide to proceed and react to external actions. This really hit home with me because I haven’t accepted enough responsibility in life for my situations and often blamed it on a difficult present or past.
I promise you — no more doormat even if there are diamonds involved! Not being a doormat would only bring me more! Lol
Thank you so much for this response, and you’re right: this guy is my Achilles heel and I really do need to become incredibly strong in myself in order to face him again. This is all life lessons and challenges! Life hit us with a harder level for us to level up!
Feeling much better and much more at peace after I watched this YouTube clip: “Your thoughts are creating your reality – Dr Wayne (Law of Attraction” I really recommend it to everyone here. It’s long and a bit slow at first but has so many good points!!
I love the sharing we have of resources here!
Belle how’s your day going?
Don’t worry, I’m sure you will have the chance to talk to her again. Have you tried writing her a letter? It might be a good idea to go NC for a while and then reach out with a very long and good apology letter. I got the impression that she loves you but is too upset by what you have done. Love does not simply disappear, so give her some time. She said she isn’t interested in the guy her parents found for her so I wouldn’t be worried about that.
The best thing you can do is to place the focus back on yourself. I really recommend trying EFT (emotional freedom technique) with Brad Yates on YouTube. He has many videos for various sorts of emotional problems, and it’s something I endorse as it has helped me tremendously in releasing emotion. Don’t worry so much on what she’s doing and your future with her, but instead work on identifying what emotions you’re going through right now and how to make them better (without contacting her).
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