NC support

good morning everyone! so much to catch up on today!! i will try to address everything, but let me know if there is something i missed!

@aphrodite, that must have been painful for him to tell you to see a psychologist to discuss the breakup with rather than discussing it with him! again because of my personality i guess i somehow am unable to feel anger and always try to take the best out of the situation, so i don’t mean to defend your ex, but i do want to say that i think people say things throughout breakups that they don’t mean! emotions run high on both sides and i think a lot can be said in the heat of the moment. just imagine if we were telling our exes every thought we were having right now!! one moment we would be telling them we love them and can’t live without them and the next we would be telling them to get out of our lives for good! thats why nc is so important. as for reconciling when you’re angry, i think its impossible! but i do think your anger for him will subside and i think nc will help greatly with that. you should try to stick with nc until you are feeling more calm. i do not believe you will ever completely get over the way he treated you for the break up, but you will move beyond it and start seeing him in a more positive light. and if you don’t, maybe it will help you move on and you might decide you don’t want to reconcile! in response to your question of if you would’ve felt better telling him how angry you were then, i can answer that i did that! i sent my ex plenty of nasty texts, emails, etc. its funny even as i was sending them i was apologizing just telling him it was therapeutic to me to get my feelings of anger out towards him and his response was “i totally understand and by all means let it all out!” and so i did for weeks at a time, lashing into him and he always took. always responded telling me he felt badly and was sorry and that he now recognizes that he isn’t ready to put in the necessary effort to make me happy at this point in time and that i deserve to be treated like best girl in the world and he wouldn’t commit to me (or anyone else) until he was able to treat me in that way! i will say i think at a certain point i said everything to him that i could have possibly said and i did find comfort in that, but i also look back on it with a little embarrassment. i think i was a tad dramatic and dragged on the initial breakup for weeks. in retrospect, i wish i would’ve went nc immediately and taken the breakup with a higher level of class and maturity. i also think he is a bit scared of how deeply he hurt me and will be scared to re-enter my life once he thinks I’m happy and moving on because i think he genuinely loves and cares me so much and while he might not have been crushed by the actual breakup, i think he was crushed by how much he hurt me. so in a way, i think its maybe a good thing your ex doesnt know. it makes you seem more powerful in a way. if he knew how much it impacted you he would probably feel in an even higher position of power! i think thats how my ex feels. that when he wants me back he can just snap his fingers and ill be there because that was kind of how i left it with him initially, but not anymore!! he must earn me back if he wants you and your ex must do the same!! I’m glad your desperation has passed. and i was laughing out loud listening to how expensive breakups are because its so true! I’ve treated myself to lots of retail therapy, manicures, massages, trips out of town, etc. – anything to make myself feel better! it costs a lot of money for someone who is still working towards a masters degree!!!

@belle, im so proud of you for not having sent the email! i know how tempting it is once you have it written and truly want to express your emotions. i think waiting for another two weeks will make you feel truly so accomplished! making it through the first 30 days of nc, i think is a huge milestone in the whole process to move on from the breakup. and i really do believe now more than ever that we all must move on at least a little before reconciling. if we want the relationship to be different the second time around, it is a must!! thats why i think waiting 6 months is a really good time frame. after so many years, the love we have for our exes wont be tarnished in that time, but we will feel less anger and will feel more independent, which will lead to much more successful relationships. last night i had dinner with one of my best friends and i was telling her about my new philosophy of living life one day at a time and not pressuring myself to move on or date around and she told me she thought i was in such a better and different place than the last 3.5 months. i actually genuinely and wholeheartedly agree that my ex and i needed to separate to grow as individuals without each other. i have never felt so independent, accomplished, and motivated as i do now. the breakup gave me a little kick in the ass that i needed! i do still want him to come back more than anything, but i think with my newfound confidence and having this time to myself and for him, it can be so much stronger moving forward. I’m glad also that you recognize your ex contributed equally to the breakup. you’re so right that for any of us to reconcile with our exes, we all need to take responsibility for what caused the end of the relationship – our exes included! thats why i think waiting to reconcile is healthy. there would need to be many discussions about what went wrong, what can be changed, etc. and i think the more removed from the situation, the more clearly we will see things. i am also imagining your ex feeling very frustrated that you didnt answer his email – you have taken the power into your own hands! pretty soon he will be on here wondering why you haven’t reached out to him. the first half of nc is so much more difficult to get through than the second, so you will get through the second half with no problems. you might even decide not to break it!! stay strong and keep revising that letter until you feel its absolute perfection!

@mike2014, i think your ex is always scared to close the door completely. my ex was kind of similar. he told me last time we met up that he wanted to occasionally hang out but never reached out to do so. i think its hard for your ex to see you as well. she clearly loves you but for whatever reason, she’s not ready to get back together yet so i think seeing you and talking to you has to be very difficult for her as well. i think she said she wanted to hang out again so she could have a reason to contact you and see you if she wanted but she is probably trying to be strong and grow on her own and i can imagine when you see each other a lot of emotions come running back from both sides. i have no doubt if you reached out she would agree to see you, but i think its good you’re waiting. i would really try to get through 3 months nc and then see how you feel. i think you should respond to her if she reaches out, but give her space as you’re doing so you can both re evaluate. it sounds to me like you’re both working at perfecting yourselves before you re enter the relationship but by no means is the love between you two lost,so take your time! i just have one question for you and i know its probably impossible to answer. but can you give me any insight from a guys perspective about how long realistically you think my ex will want to be in this single phase for? he kept telling me had no idea but his gut said a few months but I’m always left constantly wondering if it will be 4 months, two years, or somewhere in between! if you have friends who have gone through something similar or just from a guys opinion, is it possible to give a timeframe for when you think he will be ready or contact me? i think I’m dealing with the breakup ok and much better now, i just constantly wonder if and when ill hear from him and how long he really will want anyway! i feel like theres kind of a delicate window here. he needs to have enough time away to fully get this out of his system but i think its unrealistic for him to have too long away and think he could just come back! any insight would be greatly appreciated.

@belle, you make me laugh!! i love reading what you and @aphrodite have to say! i think i am starting to feel more frustrated that my ex didn’t appreciate me as much as he should have. i hope you’re right and he will regret it! its been 3.5 months and he doesnt seem to be coming around at all. i hope soon he realizes he took me for granted!! but yes, manicures and pedicures and retail therapy for sure in the meantime. we should treat ourselves for going through all these emotions. lately i feel a bit tempted to reach out to my ex and tell him how much better I’m doing and that i think this is his loss but that will not do anything but push him further away! for now, just need to wait this out! I’m envious that both of your nc periods will be over in 15 days and mine must go on indefinitely. so frustrating to feel like i have no control over this situation!

@belle, i can so see why you would feel that way for your ex. it seems as if he’s letting his ego get in the way of his feelings! almost like he wont reconcile because he’s like “giving in” or not “winning”. it seems so silly to make this all a game! like he wanted you to want to get back with him but as soon as you said the words suddenly he wasn’t interested! i will never truly understand how guys think! i think my ex must notice that i have been feeling better simply because i stopped reaching out. no more begging, pleading, asking to meet up, etc. as you said, I’m getting on in my life without him for now! i do feel like as more time goes on though i am getting less and less hopeful that he will return. i guess only time will tell! almost 4 months post break up for me…

Thank you atea and mike2014.

Your views are valuable to me.

Atea,

That is weird because usually as a guy it would be in college where I would have wanted the space. Now that he is out he’s in the real world where settling down would seem more realistic. I don’t know tho. I think you time frame is good. At his age he should be starting to know what he wants post college. I have another friend who started dating his girl at 16 and they are still together kind of. I say kind of because now he is cheating on her and his excuse is that he never experienced time spent with another girl because she was his only. I just told him you are playing with fire at our age. It’s not great to be our age and single. He’s going to lose his main girl over some side piece floozy. Maybe your ex wanting space now is good rather than what my friend is doing.

I forgot who asked about maybe my ex had trust issue. That was not the case. We both were not jelous people or controlling people. Actually we were completely the opposite. This is why I think I might be doomed. If I was with someone Who was possessive or controlling that would be the end of it for me. If a girl ever asked to see my phone I’d end it. I don’t want someone in my life who doesn’t trust me. I never got the idea that she was being shady so I wouldn’t think so ask what she was doing. We both were too independent. We never would check the other persons phone or if someone texted or called never asked who it was. She encouraged me to go out with friends on weekends if I wanted and I would never say she couldn’t either. At the end I stopped doing that and she said its not good that I stopped being social. She was never really the going out type to drink but would do shows and stuff with friends. She liked to do a dinner with a married friend or just go their house and be with them and their kids. She even says now she doesn’t go to bars and such. She’s a very shy person and never really liked being approached.

Did she think I would leave her?
I never gave her the impression I would and I did ask for her back a week after we ended. Maybe she had thoughts of that but asking for her back should have changed that idea. I beleived her when she told me she wasn’t happy, but the loss of happiness wasn’t all my fault and that she needed to be alone to get herself back. Almost like the it’s not you its me saying. My sister in law told me at christmas last year my ex told her that she wishes we were progressing better and that we both had better financial stability. She was hoping we would make a break through in those areas. I think the fact we were both stuck and unhappy at the same time ended things for us. She was definitly unhappy and some of that can be traced back to me.

Aphrodite,
If you don’t mind me asking, how old are you? I don’t remember your back story.

Is anyone from the US? Or are you all from Europe?