NC support

thanks for the words of encouragement, @belle! its funny my friends and family keep saying they think I’m doing so much better and i actually fully owe that to all of you on this forum! i haven’t told anyone about it, so its like my own little secret! i completely agree that its so nice to not be going through this alone and to also not drain my friends and family through asking millions of questions on what my ex is thinking, when he’ll contact me, etc. i feel so much more at ease knowing i have this to vent on 24/7. its helped me in more ways than you can imagine! i agree – i will never forget any of you and i will write back all updates on here always regarding my ex, happiness, etc. i also find it really rewarding to help people who are further behind this process than me. when i initially found this site i was a complete mess and i think i have improved greatly and really enjoy sharing my experiences and encouraging others going through similar things. i think you are actually spot on about my ex and thats more or less what he’s told me. he told me more than meeting girls, he wants to freedom to stay up till 5am playing video games with his roommates and not having to answer my questions about what he’s been doing! i agree that he’s really trying to experience life completely away from me and completely single. i have to give him credit for this and that he’s not giving it a half-ass attempt. i guess this is the only way he will know what he wants moving forward and i imagine it must be somewhat difficult for him to talk to me as well. i agree he hasn’t reached out because he isn’t ready – he told me he will when he is. and he’s also told me in no uncertain terms “i just really want some alone time to take a step back from everything”, so I’m glad he’s taking the time to go through this thoroughly because if we do end up back together – i refuse to ever go through this again!! this is why i don’t think hell come back unless he’s 100% sure. while I’m happy about this, i do worry about being years away from that point, but oh well, we will see what happens. and i also think he doesnt want to hurt me anymore than he has – he knows how distraught i was and i think he is keeping his distance and as he told me giving me the space i need to learn to be happy without him. i hope you’re right about him not wanting to leave me behind and i hope he knows i don’t want that either! but thats what he’s told me – he wants no girlfriend, just fun with his friends. i guess when you love and respect someone you sometimes need to just back off and give them what they need! without you and @aphrodite, i would no doubt still be breaking nc to tell him all these thoughts! i think meeting the two of you has been whats helped me remain optimistic about this break up! i do tend to be a very optimistic person but hearing unbiased opinions and not just “move on!” is amazing! i hope you are both having good days today 🙂 we all deserve happiness!!!!

@aphrodite, we are all feeling the same emotions as you are!! i do not think of you as unstable, desperate, or angry! i actually felt exactly how you were feeling before completing my 30 days nc the first time – we just didn’t have this thread yet so i didn’t write down all my emotions! as for listening to love songs and wallowing, etc. i think its important to find a balance. whats helped me is to give myself a set amount of time – say an hour – and let myself listen to sad love songs, read quotes, etc. but then when my time is up i force myself to go do something else, even something small such as leaving my apartment to get a cup of coffee, smoothie, etc. sometimes ill force myself to read a book or to put on a tv show to distract myself. but there are certain times it out course just feels good to get out a good cry and i am all for that! living in the present moment is extremely difficult but is easier than having to run through thoughts of a future without my ex. as for thinking about your ex with someone else, i think ignorance is bliss! i think our exes will or wont come back depending on how strong our bond was and how they feel about us in the next couple of months. even if they are seeing other girls now, it is definitely a rebound and i don’t think it will really have much impact on whether or not they return to us. it is absolutely unbearable to think of that, so when those thoughts come to your mind, actively try to get them out of there!! this will get easier in time.
i have another question for you both. so my plan is as of now to remain in nc indefinitely, until he reaches out to me. but my question is, will there ever be a time if he hasn’t reached out that you think it would be acceptable to do so? if so, how much time do you think is appropriate from now for me to wait before reaching out if he doesnt?? i really value both of your opinions and couldn’t be getting through this without you!!

Atea,

I agree with what belle said above. Her advice is what I would of said. I don’t think he is looking for a girlfriend, but just to enjoy some space. Your path you are now is the right one. You are a strong person now which is good. Be positive!

Aphrodite,

The thoughts of what your ex might be doing will only hurt you more. It is very hard not to think of, and I used to think that way all the time. Is she with someone or what is she doing. Those were thoughts I had to get away from because they will keep you up at night. It’s hard but you have a to try not to do it.

Should I try to beg?
I did that in the first two months twice when we were chatting all the time. I Could see it was hard for her to say no, but her response was she needs to be selfish and get herself better on her own. I had to respect that choice of hers. At this stage I just don’t see how I can beg again. It would make me seem very weak and I’m not weak anymore. If she comes back I want it to be her decision and not because I had to beg for it. If I do ask again it will be after asking her opinion of where she is in her thinking of US. I don’t want to go back to how our relationship was at the end with us both being alittle distant. I want it to be fresh and better than it was like it was when we are at our best.

Mike2014,
Why not say to her you still have feelings for her and that you would love to have an opportunity to take her out?
I think begging will make you look weak. Women don’t like weak. We like strong assertive guys who can show emotion. Guys who can take the lead but are caring and compassionate.
There is nothing worse than a whishy washy man who doesn’t really know what he wants!

Atea and Aphrodite,

I had a pleasant afternoon with D. Nothing exciting but he’s quiet nice to look at and I notice I fiddle with my hair when he’s taking to me….haha… Flirting I believe. It’s shallow on my behalf because he’s a good looking guy but I’m afraid to say…boring. He talks about his work a lot and I find it hard not to yawn!
The attraction is there like it always was but I don’t find him mentally stimulating like my ex.
My ex is averagely good looking but he stimulates me mentally and has an awesome sense of humour.
I don’t feel sad after meeting D like the last time. I feel well, if this guy wants to see me casually then why not. I’m single after all 🙁
We’ve not kissed and I don’t really want to kiss him because I feel I would be cheating on my ex which is daft as he doesn’t want me! I also just don’t want to kiss him. I might kiss him if he went to kiss me because otherwise it would be well rude! Lol
Anyway, as I’ve said before, it’s just nice for a Very good looking guy to want to be with me right now as I need all the confidence building I can get.

I know you guys all think you will not meet anyone but we all will, if we don’t reconciliate, we WILL find love again. We will not have what we have had before but we will find another dynamic in another person. We are too in depths of grief to imagine this but once we get to acceptance stage and have not reconciliated we will ever so slowly start to recover and be open to new people. We may not find a new love for a few years but we will all be in love again. If it does take a few years that is good as we are all still in love and it’s a slow process of letting go and finding love again. We need to be in good shape mentally, have let the ex go before any searching.
In the mean time we are still all hopeful and working towards reconciliation maybe for the next 6 months or so.
If my ex is still blanking me in 6 months I’m most certainly going to kiss D! Like it or not! Lol

Aphrodite,

My therapist recommended me a couple of books, not sure if I’m repeating myself but the first one arrived today. Facing codependence by Pia Mellody. It’s a great book that’s not too technical, easy to read and can relate too it. I know that neither of us are for sure codependent but it’s a good read and an eye opener of behaviour issues that could help now or in the future.
I think my ex may have emotionally abused me unwittingly and we are currently seeing more behavioural issues right now by what he’s doing.
It’s food for thought and if we use this time in learning and enriching so we can use all this new found knowledge in the near and distant future.
Let’s say we reconciliate or find new love, with all this information we have we have a far better chance of succeeding in our next relationships….with ex or new! may I add!

Mike2014,
Sure, I understand totally and however shallow it sounds women like strong men who can provide. It goes back to hunter gathering days and no matter how much women like to be equal to men the under tones will always stay the same. Women want men to look after them… It’s human nature. We like to be cared for and that’s why men with money have always been attractive! How many wealthy but ugly men have you seen with a tall model type lady on his arm!? Shallow eh!

Well, you’ve an incentive to improve yourself and re train or study to achieve what you want? Or move for work?

Aphrodite,
You come across no crazier than the rest of us! takes one to know one! X

@aphrodite, i love those quotes! and its true. although it sometimes doesnt seem like it, we do have the ability to somewhat control how we think! i think its pretty clear right now were all spending majority of the day thinking of our exes, but its just important that we’re able to manage thinking of them without worrying about taking action or worrying what they might be doing/thinking. this has been a struggle for me! when i think of my ex i just try to think more about how things could be improved between us in the future and how valuable this time off has been for me as a person. and i genuinely believe that! i have learned to be so much happier and more ok on my own. i am slowly reaching the point that i know i don’t NEED him back, but WANT him back. if we both come to this realization i think well have such a strong relationship going forward. the tides will turn for you soon and the desperation will pass. for some reason it seems to me that the two week point of nc is the hardest. and i know how you feel about your ex making you believe in love. trust your gut feeling. if you know somewhere in you’re heart he actually is the one for you, trust that this will all work itself out, and if he isn’t, as belle said, you WILL find love again! every relationship we enter we run the risk of getting hurt. its all part of living and learning. stay strong and this will get easier for you and you will be such a stronger person for going through this, with or without your ex!

@belle, im so glad to hear you had a nice time with D! i agree its so flattering to be with an attractive man who is interested in you. i think its normal to not feel as attracted to him as your ex obviously. I’m glad youre taking things slow and taking your time. and i agree, we all will find love again! I’m totally with you on the six month mark. i feel like if around 6 months from now my ex isn’t ready to work towards reconciling, i will start feeling more ready to put myself out there and date. for now i am actually kind of content being on my own and letting myself really feel all the emotions of my breakup. I’m learning things about myself I’ve never known and actually am proud of how mature and strong I’ve been able to handle the situation over the past couple of weeks. the law of attraction is definitely inspiring me! if my ex doesnt come back, i now genuinely feel like its his loss! he’s a great guy but i have always been such a loyal, caring, loving girlfriend and try to be a good and optimistic person! if he can’t appreciate that and is willing to walk away for more than 8-9 months time, his loss!

@mike2014, you sound so unbelievably mature about all this. i completely agree with belle’s advice and think it is spot on. but i agree with you – at your age you want to be settled in your career and at a place you are in life before you can marry and really settle down. i believe if you and your ex reconcile you will get married so you need to be at a point in your life that you feel ready. i think its wonderful that you’re taking the time to get your career straightened out. I’m confident you will and once you do you should absolutely take bells advice and ask for the chance to take your ex out! she will be so impressed with the new you! its funny, that love at first sight thing happened with my ex and i always wonder if it could ever possibly happen again! i first saw my ex when i was 14, had no idea who he was because at the time i was still in middle school and he was in high school and i remember saying to my friend “i don’t know that guy, but I’m going to marry him!” they all thought i was crazy but i always believed it to be true. i remember after our first date and first kiss just KNOWING. maybe it was me being naive and 15, but that feeling never left me. I’m not sure if this is a case of just knowing he is the one and being patient for him to get this out of his system or if this is just me being hung up on him because he was my first love. anyway i think you are handling this breakup with so much class. go out and get that dream job and get your ex back! you deserve it and so does she and you both should be happy together! sounds like the connection you had really was special and rare, don’t give up!

Thank you all again for the nice words. I feel bad because I feel like I’m not contributing enough to the group but continue to get advice from you 3.

Atea,

Yea it’s crazy how sometimes you just know. It just hits you in the face. Like I said I never saw her before as she wasn’t a party girl but reserved. If it wasn’t for that class I probably never would have met her. I guess this is why I’m sorta kicking myself because of how I took her for granted. Can’t change that tho now. I think regardless of your age being young doesn’t mean when you met him it wasn’t true love or love at first sight. I am handling it with class because she was a great girl. I never worried about her being faithful or treating me badly. Like I said she made me a better person. It’s hard at this point not to give up, but I know a part of me will never give up. Like I said your ex asked for space which is way better than breaking up totally with you. Your situation is unique because I think he wants to live alittle without having to worry about hurting you. I really do think he will come back with time. Good girls are hard to find and you seem to be one.

Belle,
It’s good you had a nice day. I don’t think their is anything wrong with having a good time with what you described as a nice guy.

Aphrodite,
Thanks for everything you have said. Honestly I just don’t know other than we aren’t together. I don’t know how now I can just ask for her back. I feel like it’s been forever. Maybe I’m just scared of rejection again.

I never had depression, so I guess I don’t understand it that well. I know she is unhappy with many things in life. What you have said makes total sense based on the things she has told me tho. Like I said when I ask her if she’s happy she kind of shakes it off and said she has bad days and such still. She did say she needed to get better and be selfish so I try to respect that and have since late summer. It makes sense also what you have said because I don’t understand if you break up with someone how you can cry so long after in front of that person.

I feel like I’m getting more than I’m giving here lately. If anyone has any questions please feel free to ask.