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@mike2014, it is true!! i never forgot anything my ex said to me. i would always bring up little things here and there that he said years ago and we would joke about it! i have a question for you…i know you guys have been in contact since your break up. do you think that made it harder to move on? or do you think if you would’ve stayed nc it would’ve brought her back to you? also when you did speak and see each other, who usually initiated?
I’ve been feeling torn about nc. on one hand, i feel much more back to myself and happy because of it and i think it is the best option in my situation because its too hard to talk to him knowing he wants this time and i definitely don’t want to be his friend. but on the other hand, what if we go months without talking? wont we both move on and forget about each other? i kinda feel its in my court a little to initiate because he doesnt want to send me mixed signals but i don’t know. i had been feeling much stronger the past few days but tonight definitely having a down nightHey everyone!
I’m on my 22nd day today and I’m doing ok I could be doing a lot better but everyone heals differently. I have mentioned earlier that my ex was seeing someone and it ended quite fast. He called me today and I didn’t answer! Now that him and the rebound didn’t work he wants to run back to me lol I have to wait to my NC is over to reach back out. I think this is a good sign though I don’t have much longer!Yeah I’m sure I’ll be going through these emotions for a long time also. I don’t expect to be over him well… ever really. But I hope it can become a lot easier. I don’t want to live with this pain forever. This man is just my Achilles heel, and I’ve never experienced happiness with anyone else in my life as much as I did with him.
I don’t have many moments of thinking it’s his loss, just swapping between anger, sadness, love, and apathy. My birthday is in the autumn so it’s not for a while. I too find it impossible to imagine him not reaching out even within the next month. None of this computes for me! I think that’s why I’m struggling so much. I’m not able to accept this as a reality somehow, and if I can’t accept it I can’t move on.
And yes, our relationship was very passionate, lots of love/hate.
Oh and I agree with your therapist that you may be too nice! But I’m very happy to hear that the break up has given you a new sense of confidence! Yes I believe knowing you’re okay on your own is empowering.
I can’t imagine that if given the choice, your ex would pick anyone else but you. I think this is about him wanting to go out drinking and being single and free while he can – I don’t think at all he is looking for another serious relationship! Don’t live your life in fear of that, but listen to your gut and know that you have the magnetic abilities to attract him back when you’re both ready! Work on that confidence some more!:) it’s a wonderful thing to have!Also I agree with you, I like reading other people’s rant’s here because it makes me feel like I’m not alone feeling like this. Yeah i agree, wallowing and staying in reading self-help books etc. can be helpful!
I agree it’s good to go with the gut feeling and not stop it from living our lives, but in my case I’m finding that this hopefulness is becoming more and more painful rather than motivational. I want to accept the reality of the situation as it stands NOW but i just can’t! I don’t see how all of this could be!! Part of me is expecting him to change his mind and reach out tomorrow and I know that isn’t the truth hence why it hurts.
The guy I was in love with before my ex took me two years to get over, and I don’t want to go through that again.——————————————-
@mike2014I’m finding it hard to read your ex! I’m wondering now though if this break up has a lot more to do with her wanting space to better herself, than not wanting to be with you. Add in the fact that she still has the flowers and stuff you gave her. It really doesn’t make sense for her to tell you that when she broke up! I think she’s going through a depression.
My therapist came to the conclusion he’s seeing someone based on the information/evidence I told him, which is rather convincing evidence. It’s hard to find another explanation for this evidence other than that he’s seeing this girl. There’s really no other logical explanation. Unfortunately.Yeah I think the writing down can become draining, and that’s a good think I think, it means we’re getting fed up with expressing ourselves about it more.
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My ex was the same, so needy and always wanting reassurance in the first years, and loved me insanely. Sometimes he would call me 50 times if i wasn’t picking up. I’m so resentful for sacrificing so much for someone I thought held my heart safely when it turned out he could stomp on it so much.
Yes his email was a contradiction and it’s so transparent that he just wanted to enforce his power.
His pompous ways don’t sound nice! You mentioned that it seemed like he did everything to benefit himself, even being nice to your son. This is what I think my ex is like too. My ex has never appeared to genuinely be concerned about my wellbeing when there was reason to. It makes me think he never actually loved me, he just wanted me insanely (in the beginning), and did what he had to to keep me there but no more (final years). I wonder if all I was to him was a trophy, and now he’s after a bigger one. There is definitely something off about him when it comes to being empathetic. Before the break up I told him during a very stressful time “I am
breaking down, please call me?”. He responded “Aphrodite… Now really isn’t the time”. Because –(and here’s he kicker) he was busy smoking weed with his friends! Things like this.. It completely wrecks self-worth!! It’s like oh, I’m sorry, when would it be okay for me to break down? Would tomorrow at 6pm be alright? And I didn’t reach out like that often, it took a lot to actually ask of him to call. He could have asked if there’s anyone else I can call, apologise for it not being a good time – anything but that cold answer!! 🙁Don’t worry I know your ex has great sides and so does mine, that’s why we held on and why we want them back! I wish I could dump him right back as he did me, but I can’t. I’ve asked myself why I’m pining after a guy that has hurt me so much also, but it’s their good sides that we’re pining for.
Oh Belle, I laughed soooo hard when I read “I’m trying not to think of reconciliation or accepting it’s over. I just think he’s a twat and live each day as it comes.” Hahaha!
I keep missing him and thinking he’s a twat depending on what about him I’m focusing on!Yes you’re definitely in a strong position now and every day is one more day of you rejecting him! And it’s great you don’t feel the need to contact him. Part of me wants to reach out to my ex and say “what the hell is this? You love me, you always said you did! Stop being silly”. Though that wouldn’t be very productive…
These emotions!!! Wish I was more level like atea, more at peace, and friendlier towards the world. Like I said earlier I really feel like barking at everything and everyone!
I’ve been forced into a place I don’t want to be, and told I can probably never return to where I was for the last 10 years. I know it’s futile standing there staring at the closed door. “Sometimes we look so long at the closed door that we do not realise which doors have opened for us”. Just can’t help it right now. I feel like egging that door.——————————————-
@unimareI don’t think you should contact your ex to get this information if you can get it anywhere else. It will make you feel a lot stronger and independent if you can go about things like this without needing his help!!!
Yes I think it would defeat the purpose of NC. The purpose is to learn to be independent and contacting him for this wouldn’t be it.
It will no doubt make a stronger impression if he finds out you managed without his help.——————————————-
WELL DONE!!!!! I’m so proud of you!!! He reached out and you didn’t pick up the phone! This is gonna make him really think! When you’ve finished NC you can reach out to him, not long now! I wouldn’t be surprised if you get another call before NC is over.
@krisem478, im so happy for you!! the power is shifting over ad the ball will be back in your court shortly 🙂 just be patient and take everything slowly! your ex seems like he’s already heading back to you…
@aphrodite, i really feel for you because just 6 weeks ago i was exactly where you are now. i even went to far as to text my ex and say “this is so silly…i really love you and you really love me so why the need for all this?” But the truth is even though we both love each other, there are sooo many other factors that come into play in a successful loving relationship. and i think thats what I’ve come to realize. my ex isn’t ready for that. even though he may love me, its not enough. i agree with you that he’s not looking for anyone else to date and just wants the time to be single and have fun and go out drinking. i do at times feel its his loss because he is throwing me away to experience that. while that may be important to him, i can’t imagine in the future it will be easy for him to find a girl who is as kind and patient and loving towards him as i have been. plus we had a great relationship so it seems to be like he is throwing it away for nothing. but this is his decision. you will get past the phase of thinking your ex will text you tomorrow saying he’s made a mistake, i promise! i felt that way for the whole first 2.5 months and it was miserable. its just time that helps that feeling go away. you will get used to not hearing from him and you will get used to not having him around. it takes time but it happened for me and it will happen for you as well.
tonight i went for drinks with a guy who i have been friends with since high school. i actually had a great time!! he treated me for many drinks and we sat and talked for hours about my ex and his ex and our hometown, etc. i had a really nice time. i found myself thinking about and missing my ex but not as much as i used to when out with other guys, i had a really nice time and it was nice to be out with an attractive, smart, funny guy who is interested in me! I’m not sure if i will be interested in pursuing this further but regardless its nice to know i can enjoy the company of other men 🙂 makes me kind of tempted to reach out to my ex and tell him I’m moving on and he doesnt have all the time in the world!! although i guess that wouldn’t be very productive. anyway its getting late here. congrats to all on completing another day of nc! hope you all sleep well tonight!!Unimare.
Is it that life or death you need to contact him?
If you don’t contact him does someone die?I would highly not recommend contacting him. If there was anyone else you can contact instead or find info on the net etc?,
You will be breaking NC and defeat the object.
My ex has messaged me about the Sky tv he pays for and wants to cancel, I’ve not responded because the worst case scenario he disconnects and I don’t have Sky. Watching TV really is not worth breaking NC! Lol
Good luck in your decision!
Aphrodite,
She definitely was going through depression. I know that for a fact. I think she is starting to get better. It’s hard for me to say this but, I don’t think with space she will come back. She mentioned to someone that I heard from back in the summer that she felt we reached a stalemate. It’s her wanting space to get back to who she was, but not space to come back to me. Even though she said she doesn’t know what will happen and all that talk, I still feel like she made up her mind to move on. It’s freakin hard because I love this girl, but I made my mistakes which led to the stalemate she feels happened. Sometimes love just isn’t enough. I know she loves me, but I understand why she feels it’s time to move on. I had my chance to marry her and take it to the next step and didn’t. I would love to call her tomorrow and express my feelings and explain myself, but I don’t feel like that do anything.Atea,
To tell you the truth I didn’t find this site till the summer and we had been broken up 2 plus months. The no contact strategy I’m not sure of to be honest. In my situation the whole first month after we broke up we chatted every night. She would reach out every night mostly. I remember a few weeks after the break up she didn’t text me till pretty late and apologized in her first text saying sorry I didn’t reach out till you till now. It weird to me because honestly she didn’t need to text me ever. We went on chatting the whole first month and maybe anfew days after. She always initiates contact on holidays..everyone. When it comes to meeting up we both have equally asked to meet up. When I saw her a month or so ago…right before i walked her to her car she said to me it was a great time and that we can do this again if you want. I just responded that well you let me know. She hasn’t reached back out about hanging out but it’s ok. It’s weird because when we do hang out, it’s like nothing has changed and we have good conversations. We still have a great connection. She will always text me later that night to say how she had a great time seeing me. The last time we hung out she even asked me what shirts I think her dad would like for Christmas at the store.
Is it harder to move on?
Yes and no. On one end it is because I really care about her and wanted to be back so it gave me false hope with how she acted. Last time we hung out when we met up.. I just said hello and walked into the place and she was like well give me a hug with a big smile on her face. That stuff makes it hard or before we leave she always wants to talk more if I want to sit in her car and then asks for another hug before we leave. I say no to because I understand we aren’t together and their isn’t anything I can do. It’s really good just to see her and maybe be a small part of her life. During this break I have been with other girls, but just for a night and feel comfortable with other girls even though it’s not the same as her. Overall tho i would say it’s harder than easier because she gives mixed signals to me with the times she cried and other things I pointed out.Do I think Nc would of helped,
That’s really tricky. I really don’t know but my gut says it wouldn’t have brought her back. We didn’t have any hatred or end on an argument so their wasn’t anything for her to get over. I really don’t know. She always told me this situation is hard for her too.
Will they forget you?
I will answer that with a definite noooo. Absolutely they won’t. We spent way to much time with these people. They would have to be reprogrammed robots to forget. My freakin ex told me after 6 months it doesn’t seem like it’s been that long since we were together. She still cried in October. She still won’t read the letter. They will not forget and I know that definitly. No lol that doesn’t mean I will be back with her tho.I will end with this…. My beleif is their is no definite strategy to get an ex back, Zippo. I beleive you have to do what YOU think is best for you. You know your ex better than anyone who can give you advice here. In your situation he asked for space so giving him some space is something he asked of you. It makes sense to handle it the way you are. Now do I believe if you talk every once in awhile it will scare him off…I personally do not. He has been cordial and friendly so there is that. I wouldn’t smother him with talk but talking every once in awhile if he isn’t with someone else I doubt it will upset him.
My ex has always been receptive and friendly and says we can talk when I want. If she told me to leave her alone I would respect that. She hasn’t so I never feel bad if we chat. At this point tho I’m making the choice to not reach out but if she does I wouldn’t ignore her.
Feeling really desperate today. Reaching critical levels. I can’t believe he hasn’t contacted me yet, but stressed he wants to be friends! What BS!
I felt temporarily relief when @LAboud said to focus on getting ourselves back and not our exes, but that passed again.
I’m so worried about him sleeping with someone else, because if he did I don’t think I could ever sleep with him again even if he did want me back. The thought completely sickens me.
I don’t know what to do with myself. I thought I laid out a pretty good “bait” telling him about the attention I got on New Years and seeming cool on the phone but I guess not! Maybe I do want to know if he’s with someone so I can put this to rest, but he’ll just lie to me if he is, and think less of me for asking.
Does anyone have any advice? I don’t know how much more I can tolerate. Gosh @atea1234 you’re so strong, how do you do it?
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@mike 2014
Just a feeling I’m getting… Have you considered whether what she wants is for you to plead and beg, and show her you really love her? Or have you already done that?
I’m such a fool!!!! I honestly thought I would marry and have his kids, but instead I ended up wasting all these years on someone who hurt me and took me out with the trash!!!
I had smoothie in my mouth and it almost went everywhere when I abruptly started crying as the classical wedding song came on the tv
Thanks for the input! No, it’s not a matter of life and death, but it’s not something I can just look up on the internet either.. it’s a bit like market stuff (he could predict movement a bit, I can just look at what the current status is).
But I think you’re right. I don’t think asking him would be a big deal, but it would make this progress and power I’ve felt due to NC obsolete. And it might give him the signal that it’s okay to contact me now (so far it’s like we’ve had an unspoken agreement about it). And actually since it’s something we’ve talked about before and he knows I’m invested and better than anyone he knows now is a very critical moment in the market, it would be decent to give me a heads up. It’s only lucky I’ve followed it myself so closely. So he’s being his usual selfish self that never thinks about anyone but himself. I really can’t reward that.
@atea1234
I think you should stick to NC! You know each other well, you both think highly of each other.. if anything, he will only build you up in his head even more during this period of NC. So I don’t think it’s essential to maintain contact so as not to forget each other. If you start a relationship again in the future, it will be a brand new one. You’re both the same people, but you can date and get to know one another again, and that can be a beautiful thing! But for that to succeed, you need to maintain your positive attitude and confidence which you’ve achieved through NC.Edit:
@Aphrodite
Stay strong! It’s a rollercoaster of emotions and today is just one of those days. Distract yourself with something fun and vent to us when it gets tough!TBC, I will reply more later, gotta run just now! Thanks for your advice everyone!
Hey Aphrodite, you know that this is an emotional roller coaster ride. You’re having a moment and it will pass.
I kind of thought my ex would have responded after my no response from the other days text. But I believe that my silence is making him think. It’s the first time ever!!!! That I’ve not responded to him.
As mike2014 said, they don’t forget. Keep NC, and look how to live life. Don’t think about the break up or moving on or how to get him back. Have those thoughts on the back burner and make some good plans for yourself.You will get married and you will have kids so stop thinking you won’t. That’s just your immediate emotions telling you that, like they tell us to contact them and everything else in between.
You can do this Aphrodite!
Oh, and my son and I have been put out for the trash too, we should all congregate out on the street where the bins are! Lol
Lol @Belle you have an amazing ability to make me laugh no matter how down I’m feeling (reg. congregating by the bins)! Your ex’s loss!! Wish I had your sense of humour and wit!
I know it’s a roller coaster, but these past couple of days I feel like it’s been steadily getting worse. I sure hope today is the peak of it though! I’ve listened to love songs and cried all morning, and now I’m stuck with a bad headache.
I thought your ex did reach out again? Didn’t he tell you he would disconnect sky?
And yes I definitely believe your silence is making him think!!I know you said not to think about the break up, moving on or how to get him back. Just this feeling of urgency and desperation that I don’t want him sleeping with anyone else. Something I have to get past. I believe expression and getting it out is crucial to getting past it all though so I don’t want to ignore the feelings when they come up. I apologise for the rants that creates!
I know it’s possible I’ll get married and have kids, but I wanted it to be with him. I can’t imagine it being with anyone else and me not wishing it was him instead. I know I’m getting ahead of myself, but I feel I’ve lost the love of my life. Even if he was cruel at times.
With flowers you have to water them to make them blossom, and if you don’t they will fade. I don’t think I was rewarding his good behaviour enough. Maybe things would have been different if I had.
How is your day going so far?
Aphrodite,
Your feeling desperate because your therapist verbally told you she thinks he’s with someone else which was the totally wrong thing to say to you at this raw stage!!
As I said before, you’ve no proof he’s met anyone else. The therapist was wrong to reinforce your thought process. You believe he’s with someone else. It’s not fact. The fear you have over him sleeping with someone else is another necessity you need to feel and deal with. Deal with it for the moment by just pushing that thought away and do something instead.The though of my ex sleeping with someone else horrifies me. He’s abroad and I doubt he will meet anyone so soon because that’s him. I can easily slip like yesterday when i thought maybe he has met someone else and so on the thought process becomes paranoia and over exaggerated. I have to actively not think about him with someone else. I have to push it aside. I have to get over this and him so I don’t beat myself up over it.
We all reflect and we all know we’ve contributed to the break up by not nurturing. I agree partners need to be watered and rewarded but when we are in the depths of unhappiness for one reason or another in a relationship we forget about what we need to do and concentrate on our own needs.
My ex is guilty of not watering me as I him.
We can’t turn the clock back but we’ve learnt and recognised our mistakes and that’s the most important thing. My ex and yours however have probably not learnt a thing. My ex will def carry on making the same mistakes. More fool him.I would recommend not putting yourself in a situation to digress from keeping focused. Don’t listen to music, don’t watch romantic films, don’t go to,same restaurants you went with your ex, keep away from everything that could set you off. It’s a killer if you do these things and it will make you vulnerable. We need to keep strong!
My day is going ok, I’m seeing D this afternoon and not sure if it’s the best thing to do as I come away thinking of my ex. Still, I’ve got nothing else on and it gets me out! Any excuse eh!
Yes my ex’s last communication when he mailed about the Sky. I just thought with my silence he may have got in touch by now but then I’m impatient and he’s not exactly going to suddenly be nice to me just because I’ve not responded to his communication.My ex will in time realise what’s he’s lost. We used to banter a lot together and our sense of humour together was brilliant. It’s his loss!
@aphrodite, i laughed reading that you think I’m so strong!! i don’t feel that i am at all! my ex is on my mind 24/7, constantly. i guess I’ve just accepted the situation for what it is right now. I’m still in denial about moving forward but as belle said, i don’t really think much about moving on or about taking action to get him back. i try to focus on living life one day at a time, knowing i can’t do anything to change or help the situation right now. as for your ex sleeping with someone else, as hard as it is, push those thoughts outside your head!!! my ex basically broke up with me so he could sleep with other girls! he is a good looking, confident 23 year old guy who never had this freedom. he goes out to bars and clubs drinking with his friends multiple nights per week and i am absolutely certain he has and will sleep with numerous girls during this time apart. it sickens me to think about so i just don’t think about it, ever. i try to tell myself when the thought does cross my mind that he is probably having meaningless one night stands. honestly, if i do want to marry him one day, i would rather him get this out of his system now! plus i tell myself that none of this means anything, that he loves me still, and honestly it will probably help my case in getting him to come back because it gets old after a while and the grass is not greener being single! maybe fun for a little, but thats all. as my therapist says, the grass is greener where you water it! whether your ex is in another relationship or not, this is a lesson he will learn. there will always be conflict and trouble, its just deciding who is worth the battle! all of our exes love us greatly to have been with us for so many years. i also completely agree with you about wanting to marry and have kids with your ex. even at 22 i feel so far away from that, but i can’t really picture my future without him! i try really hard to just live in the present moment and plan things to do each day to keep busy. remind yourself its just a bad day and the pain will pass! i had my hardest days when i got to the two month mark after the breakup. the initial shock wore off and it sunk it that he really was not coming back – at least for a long time! i was miserable for a week or two, but that also passed. let yourself feel these emotions, they will start getting better, i promise! sometimes you have to hit rock bottom first and then theres nowhere to go but up!
@belle, your ex is without a doubt thinking of you – you really showed him how strong you are by not replying to that email! i definitely think he’s going to realize what he lost. it seems like you have a great sense of humor and I’m sure thats something he loved about you and is hard to find! keep moving onwards and upwards. i think the date with D will be a nice distraction. no need to take it too seriously but it will probably force you to think of other things for at least a few hours and that is healthy!
@mike2014,i agree with you that there is no way to actually get your ex back. i think when you’ve dated someone for this long, they either decide they want to come back on their own after a certain amount of time or they don’t. i will stay in nc because my ex asked me for time and space. we also haven’t gone more than a month without speaking yet. i guess if a couple of months have gone by and i haven’t heard from him, i will reach back out. i see what you say about false hope and making things harder and i think thats what i was getting from being in contact/seeing my ex so for my own healing nc is probably best, but if he reaches out to me, i will be friendly. he really hasn’t much at all though – only once!also a question for all of you: do you think my ex is not reaching out to me really because he is genuinely trying to move on or do you think he doesnt want to send me mixed messages during this time?
@mike2014, i agree
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