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Let all be angry together! I’m sure we could move onto anger management forum site next…..max exodus for here to there! ….as for self help book…let me see…haha
@Aphrodite
I’m also a bit appalled at your therapist.. was he also the one that said your ex would definitely come back? Or was that someone else’s therapist. Anyway, I think those are both very unprofessional things to say! Was it at least worded as a thought exercise, such as – What if you found out your ex was seeing someone else? How would that make you feel? Would that change how you feel about him? Etc.
What school of psychology does this therapist represent? Psychoanalysis? Behavioural? Cognitive-behavioural?And yay at the anger stage! I think it’s much more productive than the depression stage, and much closer to acceptance for that matter. At least you’re not idolizing your ex. Take off the rose tinted glasses, people. You might discover you’re actually better off without them!
@belle, @aphrodite, and @unimare, i am actually jealous that you are all in the anger stage!!! my therapist says the break up would be easier for me to deal with if i could just be angry! i am an extremely understanding and forgiving person. my friends are in amazement that i don’t feel more resentment towards my ex! i should!! but I’m really not an angry person at all which makes this even more difficult on me!! I’ve taken my ex off the pedestal and recognize his flaws but also that we are all human and although i didn’t feel the same desire to explore as my ex did i guess i can’t really blame him for that? ugh anger would be easier than being hopeful!!
@atea1234
Well, to be fair, I feel like your situation is most hopeful, or at least most understandable. There’s no question about the sincerity of his feelings towards you, and his motivation is understandable. The only cliffhanger in your story is if either of you, during this break, will discover there’s something better out there for you. Or if the break just lasts so long that the feelings die down a little or if you both grow in different directions during this time. But even then, it’s a case of, well, I guess that’s how it was supposed to go, and it’s hard to blame anyone.Since my story is also a bit similar, I do understand his motivation so I can’t be angry about that. But I am angry about how he’s handled it, and how everything he’s done since breaking up with me has made me question his feelings for me and that has kind of tainted the whole of our almost 4 year relationship to me. It just couldn’t have been as real as I thought it was. And that makes me angry. But a part of that anger is irrational for sure. But it gives me strength! There’s very little reason for me to be hopeful, so anger is just the way to go for me.
@unimare, its a lot like that quote “if you love something set it free. if it comes back it was always yours and if it doesnt it never was”. sometimes we just need to let go of taking action and have faith that our exes will come back if they were meant to be with us and if they don’t we will find better! the reason i am hopeful is because i know how wonderful our relationship was and because even through our break up we’ve always exchanged “i love yous”. you’re so right that the cliffhanger is whether or not one of us will meet someone else first. personally I’m not worried about ever losing the connection between us. i think if we didn’t see each other or talk for months at a time, it would feel like no time has passed at all to see him again. i just worry he might meet someone in the meantime, but worrying does me no good so i try not to think about it. I’m confident in that we had a really great connection and i was a great girlfriend to him and i think people are more likely to return to relationships were the bond was strong and the other person treated them well. i always treated him well and we’ve both said numerous times since we’ve broken up how special our connection is. i also don’t think he’s looking for a girlfriend right now as he’s told me many times he just wants “alone time” and time be single, but i guess we will see what happens! the most frustrating part for me is wondering what will happen, when! i hate not knowing if and when he’ll reach out, but its all part of the progress. keeping nc has gotten significantly easier so if he wants to talk he will have to reach out 🙂 maybe the fear of losing me permanently will draw him back quicker
atea1234
You are an inspiration to us all! 🙂 I absolutely believe you are handling things in the best possible way, and even if things don’t work out the way you hope, you will be able to say that you did everything right and I guess it just wasn’t meant to be. And really that’s all we can strive for.thanks @unimare! i think something I’ve learned through this whole process is that sometimes doing nothing is actually more productive than doing something. i made absolutely no progress in getting him back through staying in contact and seeing him and talking to him. since we stopped talking i feel like i have myself back which is most important because i can’t control whether or not he will return to me, so i need to take care of me so that if he doesnt i can be ready for someone else! i feel like i laid it all out there for him, he knows how i feel, I’m trying to be patient and work on myself and I’ve done everything i possibly can to make it work. if he doesnt come back i have no regrets
@atea1234 I don’t know what stage I’m at, it keeps changing.
But you’re right, I will talk to him again (if I want to) so I will have the chance to say everything I want in due time. It just frustrates me that my gut feeling is putting me in waiting mode when my brain knows this all looks far too grim to be worth holding onto.
I’m gonna do NC indefinitely and I’m sure I’ll have more moments of “why the hell hasn’t he reached out, why doesn’t he seem to care” moments before I can finally put it to rest. That’s what I want now, I just want to put this to rest.
@Belle I wouldn’t want anything more than drinks round yours tonight!!! That’s exactly what I’m in the mood for. Rant’s, b*tching and drinks!
Though I’m going to see some friends that I haven’t seen for a long time this evening. That makes me uncomfortable because I just want to be my miserable current self and I’m gonna have to put on a fake happy attitude.Yep, lonesome weekend coming up..
But seeing your ex tomorrow is a good idea I think:) Give it another shot!Thanks for the self help books recommendation! Definitely up my alley!! And anger management sounds about right now lol.
Yep, same therapist. He still believes my ex isn’t done with me, but that it’s very likely he’s seeing someone now. It was definitely not worded as a thought exercise, and no questions like that were brought up. To be fair he’s more of a mentor than a therapist – something I actually appreciate. I’m not sure what school of psychology he’s using! Perhaps I should see someone who’s more of a psychologist than him. I have done before, but I like this man. It was just upsetting to hear, but also maybe a relief, because I’ve been questioning it so much and wondering if I have the justification to assume he’s with someone new.
@atea1234 I don’t know if you should be jealous of us being in the anger stage. Trust me feeling resentful and bitter is not very nice either.
And I’ve definitely picked up on that you’re a very understanding and forgiving person!! That’s why I feel a bit protective or you- I don’t want anyone to walk all over you and take advantage of your kindness! Because many people do if they can.
However your level of maturity on this may really be helping you as you’re seeing things from a higher perspective. In this sense you’re a real catch! And I don’t doubt for a second your ex will come crawling back once he realises he can’t find another you out there, and you’re not stopping your life for him.@aphrodite, its all a cycle! i think for a couple months you will go through stages of feeling anger, sadness, relief, happiness, desperation, acceptance, etc. these feelings still come and go almost hourly for me. its crazy how one moment i can really feel like its his loss and the next i can break down at the thought of not having a future with him. we just have to ride out the difficult emotions and wait for the hard times to pass. i think for now staying in nc indefinitely is a good plan. you will know when you reach a point if you want to reach out to him and tell him how you felt during all of this. no rush. i will be shocked if he doesnt reach out to you in at least a few months. after 10 years i think it is nearly impossible to do that! when is your birthday? i feel like that is the one day a year it is very appropriate to text your ex! i know feeling angry and bitter is not a nice feeling, especially towards someone you once felt so much love for. I’m assuming your relationship was filled with passion – many high highs and low lows. thats how my relationship was and i think this type is often the hardest to get over because the emotions are so extreme – you can feel hatred and love for someone all at the same time. I’ve found my friends who had more laid-back and calm relationships to just have smoother breakups. i smiled at you saying you feel a bit protective of me! i think many of my friends and family feel that way. its not that they don’t like my ex – he’s a great guy, but they do think he takes advantage maybe unintentionally over how kind and forgiving i am. I’ve always been very loyal to him and always defended him through any argument – even when he was in the wrong. my therapist says sometimes i am too nice! i have found though that shockingly this breakup has made me even more confident in myself. initially obviously the rejection shook my confidence but since we’ve been apart I’ve been on a bunch of dates and even though i don’t feel ready to pursue, its nice to be pursued by others and hear nice things about myself. I’ve also learned that I’m okay on my own and okay without him and that is, in itself, empowering. if he did come back and wasn’t treating me the right way, i think i have less fear and more self respect and wouldn’t stay in a relationship with him or anyone else who wasn’t treating me the way i deserve. and i think the reason I’ve been able to be so mature in this situation is just from looking at the big picture. if he didnt take this time now, he would years from now. either it would be in years when my friends were starting to settle down or it would be after we got married and it would end in divorce. so as he kept saying this is “necessary”, i guess it is if we are ever going to have a successful future together. i think recognizing that has helped me a lot. its also helped a lot to keep reminding myself that this pain and confusion is temporary. either he will be back or i will move on and meet someone else. keep telling yourself this – it helps 🙂 i think my ex recognizes I’m a catch and i think he thinks i would make a great wife one day, he its just not ready for that. i hope you’re right that he will realize a relationship like ours is hard to come by!! and i hope by staying in nc and living my life independently of him, he will come running back sooner rather than later! my biggest enemy now is my constant wondering how long it will take for him to come back…or even if he will at all. as much as i think i “know” he will, there is a chance he could meet someone else or too much time will pass for us to reconcile. its a hard position to be in to navigate this situation!!
Congratulations on day 11 NC! I’m on day 12 and Belle is on 13 I believe. All pretty close!
I totally get that it makes you angry and confused him not contacting you if you don’t initiate. Your ex sounds like mine. He couldn’t handle my successes either, however when he became more successful all of a sudden it was as if I wasn’t good enough anymore. Ironic. I really don’t know where he wanted me, and part of me thinks he really just wanted an ongoing competition. He would attempt to sabotage my success quite a few times. I too question whether I can be friends with someone who has hurt me this much. A clean break up would have made it easier.
Not sure what to make of your ex and his friends making inappropriate comments on and gawking at girls… That just makes me cringe.
If you’re afraid of loosing him as a friend though, you could always try being friends for a bit just to test it out? When you’re done with NC I mean.
Hah when you said “he was probably always waiting to become that person” that really resonated with me. That’s sort of what I feel about my ex as well.
I think it’s easy to get mixed up about love, addiction, habit and fear of the unknown. Sometimes all are present, which they were for me.
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All of this just downright sucks doesn’t it?! I can’t see many positives today, and I just want to bark at the world (lol). Despite everything, I miss him terribly and find it so surreal that everything we had is gone. It will never be the same again. I really miss him so much. I find it so insulting that after everything – he could give us and me up so easily. I lost my appetite again today and feeling very demotivated 🙁 I don’t want to be in this lingering hopeful/angry/sad roller coaster situation anymore. I want to be done with this completely, or I want to be getting him back. I cancelled my dinner plans as I don’t have the energy – though I’m so lonely. I’m struggling so much to accept this break up. I don’t know if I should continue listening to my gut or do my best to accept reality as it stands? I can’t envision my life without him at all. I feel so pathetic!!
@Belle I’m coming over with some wine and whine!By the way, I’m sorry if I’m venting a load!! I’m trying out the theory that it will help me get over things faster. I welcome venting from everyone but I’m sorry if anyone finds it tiring! Please let me know if that’s the case x
Atea,
I feel like our ex’s are very similar. When my ex told her family her brother told me she said to them that they we aren’t together and when they acted shocked and asked why he said she just said she didn’t want to talk about it started to cry and ran upstairs lol. I think our exes feel a level a guilt about the whole thing. I still remember her saying the first time we met up after that she hopes my family doesn’t hate her. It’s hard for us and them to deal with it especially after being together so long. It’s hard for them to reach out too. It brings up emotion for them as well. I always heard the I can’t beleive its been this long. It doesn’t seem like it’s been so long since we were together. They made a decision to do their own thing. You ex wants space to see what is out their alone and my ex wanted space to work on herself get her self together and move on. She told me I have to be selfish for myself and I respect that now. I ultimately no matter how hard it is just want her to be happy.
Aphrodite,
My ex overtime became very upset with herself and did suffer from low self esteem. She used to be a dancer and once she got done with school and didn’t pursue dancing she lost a lot of confidence and put on some weight. She didn’t like how she looked. I never complained because she was still beautiful, but I didn’t handle the situation the best. I didn’t say anything about it because she still looked good to me but I thought giving her looks and such would give her motivation to change because that was what she wanted. That didn’t work out so well for me in the end lol. Even the last time i saw her I said to her that I thought she looked good, and she just shook her head and said she doesn’t think so. She still isn’t happy with herself even now after all this time. She wouldn’t even accept my compliment but instead took the time to put herself down. I just hope she gets better and accepts herself. She’s a really good person with great morals and such. She was the one who made me a better person. I hope I can find someone moving forward who does the same.
How can your therapist come to the conclusion your ex is seeing someone? That seems someone forward thinking on their point and maybe even alittle rude? Maybe not thoI also did the writing down of feelings thing. It really did work in the beginning, but overtime it became draining as the time passed. Every once in awhile I will write down some thoughts but as I started to come to acceptance of the situation I stopped.
@aphdrodite, vent away!! it is very therapeutic. i actually like reading the rants and venting that goes on in here because it reminds me that my feelings are normal and i am not alone! and i do believe it feels better to get it all out, especially on this forum to others who can relate and who don’t know our exes! i still have those days where i feel like i hate the world. while some people advise not to wallow, i actually find it helpful sometimes! don’t beat yourself up over canceling plans. there are times I’m grateful to have friends to distract me and other times i just want to be alone – totally depends on my mood that day. sometimes the best medicine is staying alone, surfing these forums, watching netflix and indulging on some wine and chocolate! thats what has helped me anyway. i do wish we could all have a wine and whining party over this!! its so nice to talk to people who can actually relate! take care of yourself when you’re having a bad day. get pampered, go shopping, eat junk food – you deserve a reward for enduring! i know how you feel about either wanting to move on or have him back already. its exactly how i feel but unfortunately i don’t think either option is a possibility for any of us right now. but we will get through this! i think its good to go with your gut feeling but not stop it from living your life. thats what I’ve come to realize. if i listened to my gut feeling and just sat around by myself all day crying and waiting for months or years for him to return it wouldn’t be productive. i have my gut feeling and it makes me feel hopeful on my dark days, but i still live life. i push myself to do small things -go out for a walk, go to a cafe and get a cup of coffee with a friend, get my nails done. and its crazy i actually have been living my life without him for almost 4 months now! it doesnt seem like it but i still go to school, see my friends, etc. keep your gut feeling but don’t let it hold you back from moving forward. accept the reality of the situation for NOW. thats what I’ve done. i know he isn’t coming back today, or tomorrow, or next week. so I’ve accepted this is how things are for now but its temporary. this mindset has helped me tremendously. my gut feeling is so apparent so i don’t force myself to believe its really over yet because who knows, maybe it won’t be! and maybe your story with your ex doesnt end here either! keep moving forward, taking baby steps, and its ok to have those bad days – we all do!
I’m waiting for wine and whine Aphrodite, the more the merrier!
I’m like yourself where I’m so damn angry over his actions, the years I spent with him while he worked abroad, his attitude towards me as if I’m nothing but a pain in the neck. He used to chase me all the time, when we first got together he was so damn needy and wanting reassuring all the time, he loved me insanely! Maybe he suffered from love addiction.
I bet me being silent is either making him more angry or indifferent.That email he sent, was like… I’ve got nothing to discuss with you but by the way what do you want to do about Sky? If that’s not a contradiction then what is?
I’m also looking back at all his pompous ways and how he used to talk over me when we got a but heated and aver talking over me so I could t finish what I was saying he would then say my opinion is wrong.
Of he ever did that I used to say to him that we lived in a country of free speech and if he didn’t want to free speech then maybe he should relocate in one of the many countries that don’t preach free speech.
I think he was so needy, because of love addiction he actually did everything to benefit himself, for instance be nice to my son because it benefited him if I saw him in a good light. I’m just questioning his integrity and by the way he’s treated in in the relationship and now is proving he has no integrity.
Ok, there is a side to him that is fantastic, loving, giving, thoughtful, generous so please don’t think it’s all bad or I would t have stuck with it so long! But this side to him that now he’s showing me in all his glory is just making me think what the hell am I doing pining after a guy like him!
I’m even thinking that maybe I won’t send him that email afterall and just out him out with the trash and get on with my life.
Saying that, i want him to know my thoughts and reasons.I can understand where your coming from Aphrodite, going out and pretending to smile and have fun, make conversation is really hard work. I’m kinda happy staying in with my virtual friends and moaning all night long! Least it’s getting it out of the system!
I still think we need many weeks to go of acceptance. I just think as the weeks go by we will think less of the situation and more of other things. I’m trying to not think of reconciliation or acceptance it’s over. I just think he’s a twat and live each day as it comes.Yes I’m on day 13! Unlucky for some but not for me! Can’t beleive it’s over 2 weeks since I last spoke to him. I’m feeling ok and don’t feel the need to contact him which is great! I guess his email to me despite the nastiness of it, I realised he reached out in a weird way that only he could do and now I’m in uber strong position each day as I’ve not responded. Give him a taste of own medicine eh! Hehe.
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