-
Posts
-
Don’t worry @Belle it’s good to be you you you! We take it in turns.
I take it you’re happy you went!:) It’s great to be able to understand your and your ex’s behaviour, I think it brings about a form of closure from the bad when we can piece together more of the puzzle. However I imagine this will buzz in your head for a while! I think I have abandonment issues as well, or issues with being neglected/ignored that were reinforced by him, which in turn made me more difficult, which made him more neglectful and so on it spiralled.
Yeah it’s very hard to deal with big egos, who are just looking to deflect the blame back on you if you bring up something – as I know we’ve both had to deal with.Belle I think you should at least wait two days and see how you feel then. Make sure it would be empowering for you to send it so you aren’t giving away your power by sending it. Give all this some time to sink in. It’s likely you’re feeling quite emotional now so wait until that’s settled down a bit!
I personally think you would feel more accomplished if you wait until day 30. You set yourself a goal and you might regret not following through with it. That being said, if in a couple days you feel like sending it is the right thing to do – then do that. You may feel better once you feel as though you’ve said what was on your mind, as a form of closure for now.I think if I asked you the same question though you would say “Nooooo Aphrodite you’ve been doing so well!! Don’t give up now!! Come on, NC isn’t for that long!!” 😉
Wait a couple days and see how you feel then!
——————————————
Let’s just agree that we don’t have to respond to every post, and that we will hassle each other a bit if we didn’t get a response we were waiting for! If not this could get tricky, at least for me, when I get busier!@aphrodite, i agree! i have been responding to all of them rather quickly as i am still on vacation! once i get back to school and studying i will definitely be busier! i try to respond to what i can but if anyone wants me to respond more, just ask!
@belle, i think its really great to write that email, but i would definitely hold off before sending it. give yourself two weeks and then re read it. see if you want to change or edit it. if you are still busting to send it then, do it. if not, wait another two weeks ad then read it again and then decide. i think the longer into nc you are when you send it, the more impact it will have on your ex. it will show you really took the time to think everything you wanted to say and have had time to digest and process everything and still want to send it. you’ve been so strong at nc so i definitely think you should stick with it a little longer! remember once you have the letter you can decide to send it at any time, but once its sent, you can’t take it backI think after finding out that my feeling about him going to contact me last weekend was wrong, I’ve began to doubt my gut instincts on us getting back together. However just writing that I feel this resistance to it inside of me saying “No, he will come around!”. I don’t know what’s what anymore. Feeling quite deflated, but perhaps that isn’t a bad thing. Maybe I’m moving towards getting more ready to let go
@aphrodite, I really don’t think you should be discouraged over him not contacting you yet. I think in a way this is better so that you will both have the chance to really take time to think about why your past relationship failed. I know how difficult it is to be patient but I truly believe we should all wait a significant amount of time before discussing reconciliation with our exes. We all have work on ourselves we want to do and our exes undoubtedly need time to think and process the breakup as well. I think any contact between now and talking about reconciling is really hard. It’s like the pattern you described the other day. A quick fix that momentarily helps but isn’t worth it. I’ve found that when I stopped expecting him to contact me it was much easier. I don’t often look at my phone and feel sad he hadn’t because I don’t expect it. When he randomly did the other night, I was utterly shocked. As for doubting your gut feeling, I actually feel jealous. I have such a strong feeling almost that im positive he’ll be back so I think I’ve been able to relax and enjoy some single time more because I feel it’s so temporary. This scares me because who is to say he’ll be back? What if he isn’t and this whole time I’ve spent just completely in denial and it’s hurtig my moving on process. I feel torn because I think I have reason to believe he will be back because he’s told me multiple times he thinks he will be and I feel like I just “know”. I’ve resd reconciliation stories when people said even when they were apart they just “knew” their partner would be back and they were meant to be together and I genuinely feel this way. I’ve still yet to figure out if this is denial or stupidity but I guess I will see in time.
As for keeping Nc indefinitely, I know it’s what I should do. He broke up with me and asked for space and time and he knows exactly where I stand. If he wants to check in or see each other then the ball is in his court to initiate. I just worry that he’ll never initiate again and that will be that and he is moving on right now and im stuck believing well reconcile. It’s so hard to sort out all of these emotions!!Thanks for you’re feed back atea1234 and Aphrodite, after I had the session today I just felt I had a weight lifted and wanted to tell ex. As I’ve said I’ve written quite a bit to him but won’t send it. I’m glad I resisted and even just hours later I’m even more pleased with myself. I feel empowered that I’ve not responded to his nasty text in the first place and I think that a strong sign as you guys have told me. Both are correct that I should hold off further. I’ve written all I’ve wanted to write and shall wait and re read as and when I feel the need and hopefully send it in a few weeks when I finish 30 days NC.
Part of me feels that if I sent it now he would just rubbish it and delete it if in fact he would read it.
So I need much time to go by so he will be intrigued with what I have to say.Because of his negative speech to me and always pointing the finger at me I feel that a weight has been lifted and that I’m normal afterall. Yes I’ve got some issues but hasn’t everyone! Lol.
I can be fixed, he’s the one in denial and as long as you’re in denial then you can forget any hope of succeeding in any relationship.Aphrodite,
Don’t get dispondant over your gut feeling. Our emotions are all over the place and we think too much which clouds gut feeling. Don’t fret over the gut feeling, don’t depend on it, as in stress that you might be wrong.
It’s still early days for us all, lots happened within the relationship for it to end for both of us. It needed to end for it to get fixed or find someone better maybe.
You’ve recognise many mistakes you’ve made in the contribution of the break up and that’s half the battle fought.
Your ex needs to do the same and that needs to take much time of absence of yourself.Atea1234 you astound me with the learning curve you have achieved in a short space of time. You’ve got it sussed and you’re doing so well despite your situation. He’s not thought that if he leaves you too long at this rate you might decide you don’t want him back! He’s risking a lot and he’s no idea what he could lose. As with all our ex’s! More fool them!
Then they will be coming onto this forum instead doing NC, while we won’t be giving them a second thought! HahahaThanks for the words ladies,
The last time I asked for her back and explained myself was July. At the time she cried but said she wasn’t right yet. She said she needed to continue to work on herself. She was battling depression at the end of,our relationship and lost her true self I would say. She left by saying she doesn’t know what will happen for us but didn’t want to lead me on or give false hope? I havnt asked for her back since
I did write her a letter in oct that had some thoughts in it and with some of my favorit memories and ultimately my understanding of why she did what she did (acceptance). I did not ask for her back in this letter at all. When I saw her over a month ago she said she can’t read the letter because it’s too emotional for her still.
It’s good he reached out Atea…means he’s still feeling connected to you. I know you might not be confident, but I think ultimately he will come back. It might take longer than hope for but I think he will come back when you least expect it.
Belle and Aphrodite,
I hope your situation improves and you gals find happiness again. You both seem like caring people even to people at times you want to scratch their eyes out. As a man myself we are in general harsh people and say stupid things at n alarming rate. One thing I always did was try to not be confrontational with my girlfriend and show her respect, but in the end that wasn’t the best because we never talked about what we needed to work on. Belle I hope you ex realizes what he said was rude and apologizes to you. You guys if I remember correctly had a long relationship, so hopefully he calms down and realizes how special you were to him for along time and acts nicer to you moving forward. You deserve itMike2014
Thank you so much for your kind words.
I think the one thing we must learn out of all of this that communication is the key. Sometimes it’s hard when the person you’re with doesn’t want to listen or will only listen when it’s too late. A lot of people do that, too comfortable in their surroundings oblivious to what’s being told to them, then when it’s too late they feel the stuffing knocked out of them. In my case a lack of comms plus an arrogant person who thinks they are always right. Then what do you do? His time will come because he can’t admit to any wrong doing. Even now he can’t be nice to me because he thinks punishing me the way to go. As they say ignorance is bliss. So becaus of his attitude and my learning curve right now, he will stay in his hole and I’m half way outta it and heading for the green fields of acknowlegment.
Very profound! LolYour ex has feelings for you and needs much time, if she doesn’t acknowledge the issues or your letter how is she ever going to let you go and move on? More fool her. Carry on NC and as I said to atea1234, if it’s left too long you just might bump into someone really special without even knowing it and then it will all be too late for your ex.
Keep NC and keep your head high 😀
Thanks Belle,
I completely agree with the too comfortable in your surrounding point. I can’t emphasize agreement more. I remember like two weeks before it all happened I said to myself…she will never walk away and leave me after 8 plus years. I tried at that point to start to say nicer things and reshow her how important she was to me, but it was too late. I got in a bad funk the last year of our relationship where I became a real loner. I was never like that and it really scared her as she was struggling with her own problems.
I hate to hear when people treat others like your ex is. Arrogance is tough to deal with. I’m sure one day when he comes off his high horse, he will realize what he lost and feel real bad about how he acted towards you. Karma is a B like they say and his is coming lol. In all seriousness he will realize this and hopefully he can express to you that he is sorry for how he acted to you. Stay strong and keep doing what makes you happy. Life is so short.
This is going to be my first real NC after such a long time of us both being cordial and small talking. I say that because I will not reach out. It has been too long since the break up to keep this friendly small chatting going on.
I will never understand why she can’t express her feelings about the break up but will cry or why she can’t read the letter now 3 months later. If you feel so emotional in my mind that would mean you would want to come together and try to work through our problems. She’s a stubborn woman I guess lol. The good news for me is that I’m such a more confident and positive person now then I was back then. That makes me feel better. I dug myself out of the hole I was in, but will she ever?
Thanks everyone, I really appreciate your replies and support 🙂
This site does help me, but at the same time, I feel like it’s holding me back, as it makes me think about my ex and gives me hope. I re-read http://smalllifeslowlife.com/2013/06/02/small-life-slow-life-how-i-got-my-ex-back-seriously/ and the comments that she left other people, and I really believe in what she says. I think the best thing to do is to give up all hope, and to move on with my life. Sure, I can better myself while on NC, but I need to let go of him completely in order for me to significantly change and grow. I have to tell myself he’ll never want me and that it’s over for forever. I love him, and I want to grow old with this man, I have always thought he was the one for me… but at this point, he doesn’t want me. I deserve more than this, so I’m going to move on, as painful as it is. I’m not going to plan to contact him in 30 days or even 90 days. There will be no false friendship. I’m just going to rebuild my life without him. After reading the comments on that article, I obviously can’t help but hope that my ex will sense that i’m letting go and in turn will reach out for me and want me again… but I want to erase these thoughts from my mind. I want to remember the break up, and what he said, and how he doesn’t want me. Maybe I won’t want him if/when he returns to me. I’m tired of feeling this way, i’m tired of wondering what he’s thinking, if he’s missing me. It’s exhausting wondering what’s going to happen, and if he’ll want me again. Will he fall in love with someone else? Will he always feel this way about me? I am SO tired of this roller coaster. I have lost him, and it’s time to be strong and stand on my own two feet. F him. No more texting (he texted me again today), no more replying to him. I’m donezo. Haha.
I love reading everything you ladies write on here, but it’s holding me back, so i’m going to try to resist this website and just live my life. There’s a big chance I could just be feeling good about things in this very moment and may be back on here tomorrow, hahaaa, but i’m gong to do my best to stick with this. I hope all of you can stick to NC, and I hope I can too.
Good luck everyone, and thanks again for all of your kind words @atea1234, @aphrodite, @belle, and @labound!! You guys seem like great people to know.
Mike2014 and maebe,
Us lot are a perminant feature here so come join the lonely hearts anytime! Lol
Can understand the feeling not to come here as need to move on or focus on other things, however any time you want to come and say hi or have a rant please do…. We rant well here!Mike2014,
It’s her lose, as I said if she can’t face your emotions then she will bury you alive in her heart rather than burying you dead. I promise you, you will be happy again, we all will be and better people inside.@belle, i actually am impressed with the progress I’ve made as well and I’m actually kind of shocked. when i tell you the first two months i literally felt guilty even TRYING to do something fun, i mean it! i couldn’t eat or sleep and couldn’t concentrate on anything. all i wanted was him. I’m not sure what happened though but after the last couple of weeks i just feel strangely more at ease. I’m not sure if this means I’m moving on, if I’m getting used to not having him, or if I’m just so far in denial that we won’t reconcile in the near future. anyway i know we are probably all envious of each others situations because its easier to see positives in others, but my situation is genuinely just a waiting game at this point. I’ve left him on good terms and he knows exactly how i feel. theres nothing left for me to say. i think at this point the only reason i feel a bit calmer is because its out of my hands. i must remain in nc indefinitely until he contacts me. I’m confident because i know i was a wonderful girlfriend to him and i know we had a very special connection. I’ve just given up taking action and am leaving it to the universe to sort out. if its meant to be, i guess he will contact me when he feels ready and if its not, maybe ill meet someone wonderful in the meantime! my situation is actually quite simple: he loves me but doesnt want to commit right now so there is absolutely nothing i can say or do to change his mind. he must sort out his feelings on his own. your situation is a bit tricker as you have options! this is both good and bad i think. I’m happy you’re waiting on the letter as its always good to give these things some time to marinate and re write. your ex is being cold and distant now and its hurtful. maybe after more nc you’ll feel better ready to forgive and start fresh. either way, you will get the chance to tell him everything you’ve been saying to us and all these new discoveries you’ve made through therapy! i know how tempting it is to not tell him everything right now and I’m really proud of you for being so strong and sticking to nc!
@mike2014, you sound like a really great guy for being so understanding and so patient. i actually think it sounds promising that she left it open ended in july, saying you can possibly reconcile in the future. she seems like she really loves you and i respect her for not wanting to leave you with false hope. my ex has said the same that he hopes we can reconcile in the future but he doesnt want me to wait around for him. shows they are good people which makes this even tougher. its been 6 months since you last asked for her back and maybe she is feeling more ready. i completely agree with you going for an extended period of nc. i believe it will give you and your ex both some time to get some clarity over the situation. you’ve made changes and improved and you don’t need her anymore, but WANT her and i think thats exactly how it should be going into a reconciliation. if i were you i would really try 2-3 months of nc and evaluate how you feel. if you still want her back, i say give it one last attempt to see if she’s sorted herself out and feels ready. I’m confused as well honestly. she seems so emotional and like she loves you so much, so I’m not sure what is holding her back from reconciling. this must be so confusing for you! i think give her time and space and then reach out for one last discussion about everything. see if she can open up and really explain. it sounds like you had a great relationship and just got stuck in a rut towards the end as is what happens a lot of time in long term relationships. i really do think she will come around because they love between you two is definitely still there! and thanks for the input on my situation. i do feel he will come back but I’m not sure if I’m in a state of denial or what. i also don’t want to live the next couple of years feeling this way if it takes too long. i will keep nc indefinitely and wait for him to reach out to me, but who knows if and when it will happen. sometimes its best to just be happy with ourselves and rely on the universe to sort everything out!I fell asleep at 8pm and woke up just past midnight. I dreamt that he reached out and wanted us to give it another try but take it slow. Hope I can get back to sleep.
Yep, we’re just passing the days! I think that’s why discipline to improve ourselves is so important at this time. It’s kind doing time as we’ve said, so we may as well get something out of it!
Maybe it is that he doesn’t want to send mixed signals, as you say. I just find it weird because he’s stressed the fact that he wants to be friends on several occasions. Why wouldn’t he reach out then and be more afraid of loosing me? I remember a friend of mine said this before when he hurt me “how isn’t he more afraid of loosing you?”. I’m thinking maybe he just isn’t! He used to be someone who chases very hard, sent several texts a day and would hassle me if I didn’t respond – and now there’s complete radio silence. Perhaps he is seeing someone, in that case it would make sense that he wouldn’t want to talk. I need to get out of his head!! And yes, I need to give him his space. I mean I take it this is what he wants as he hasn’t reached out.I just feel like such a waste product.
I know it’s good for us to have this space, I just don’t get why he won’t even contact me about the practical matter. It makes me think he really doesn’t want to have anything to do with me, as he wont even reach out for that. But maybe you’re right, if he did contact me perhaps it would be like getting a ‘hit’ that I would feel the withdrawal symptoms from after.
See, I’d like to be at a point where I don’t expect contact like you! I guess that will happen in time, fingers crossed!I understand that the strong gut feeling you have scares you in case it’s wrong. That’s how I felt before, but now I’m starting to doubt it. However I don’t at all think having that feeling hurts the moving on process, I think that without it you would be going through a lot worse – and perhaps in vain if he does get back with you! I do believe in gut instincts, and the only reason I’m now doubting my own is because I was wrong about my feeling for last weekend. I definitely think you have reason to believe he will be back!! No doubt!! I don’t think it’s denial or stupidity, I think sometimes people just know. And your stories verify that! So don’t be afraid, I think you should trust it!
I also highly doubt he won’t reach out to you again!! He loves you! All he wants is some time to “be single and have fun” before he fully commits to you. Like Belle said, he’s playing a dangerous game though because you really are doing amazingly and at this rate you may get over him more than he’s over you, and end up loving someone else! Stay confident atea! You have every reason to be! Accept the feeling you have, trust it and just have fun with this time! x
So happy to hear it’s like a weight lifted from you!!
I’m glad you waited and that you’re feeling empowered as a result of that!Yesss! Finish the 30 days! You will feel very proud of yourself knowing you had the ability and discipline to not contact him! Then reassess what you want to do. Yes it could be that he wouldn’t appreciate the email as much now as he may later.
I’m happy to hear the session today made you feel normal, and indeed you haven’t seemed anything but to me! He’s the one that’s cut you and your son off from his life after all these years, and that in punishment of you breaking up and then regretting it. It’s ridiculous. I think his emotional intelligence has some levelling up to do, which hopefully it will after he sees that he won’t get a reaction from being nasty!And good tip! I shouldn’t think or worry too much about the gut feeling but just let it be there. You’re right he will only realise his mistakes if I’m giving him by absence. I just worry my absence isn’t doing anything, that he’s happy I’m not in touch and busy being with someone else. But in either case NC would be best, so I’m better off not worrying anyway! Worrying is so pointless at times yet can be so hard to stop!
————————————–My father told me about a study that investigated two groups of heartbroken individuals. One group talked, wrote and expressed themselves about it as much as possible, and the other weren’t allowed to think about it at all but just distract themselves. At the point of follow up – guess which group had moved on most, and was doing much better??
The first group:)
I have always believed this so I’m so happy to hear it’s been tested!! it’s so important that we express ourselves, talk with those around us, and get out every emotion that comes up!! So I welcome a rant’s galore!!! I’m gonna actively blast out my feelings in every way I can express them and test this myself. I want to move the hell on!!Dangit, I just read what you wrote @Belle and now i’m doubting my tactic to just ignore my feelings and distract myself, hahah. Maybe I will continue to vent on here… I do always feel better afterward! However, I feel like I’m partially procrastinating things I should be doing…
@aphrodite @atea1234 i know you guys told me to hold off a little longer if my ex is in a relationship after my NC. But I’m guilty of lurking on my ex twitter and he posted “guys come and go” and few other things that indicate the fairytale is over. I have one week left of NC. This maybe a good time to contact him. But I kinda feel like since that relationship didn’t work out I thought he would try to contact me lol I guess that’s not the case. In the mean time I gotta continue NC!
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.