my no contact period..

Day 15.

Went to the psychologist and she said that I am coping well. We talked a bit about what what getting back together would have to look like If we did..

I think he would have to geT help for the drugs. And he would need to live on his own for awhile. He and I could talk at that point but I don’t want to push it and I don’t want him or myself to ever fall back into a place where we ended again.

I just have a hard time believing he will be back. I have to accept that he won’t and thats the scary part. He left things very open ended with me aND I don’t know if it was to soften the blow or if he meant it, or perhaps both.. But it can’t be open.

And while I struggle to deal with not seeing him and the anxiety and just wanting to text him.. I have to get out of that mindset. I know that eventually he will have to talk to me.. Even if it’s when we decide to sell the house. BUT I think he will contact me eventually.

I think it makes no contact worse actually when they don’t attempt to talk to you… It’s Like, is it worth it?

His friend will eventually say something about what I have been up to if he asks or not, he will get curious about me. He will hear that I am enjoying my life.

I’m off for a mini vacation tomorrow and it’ll be good for me. I can get a few things off my breakup bucket list.

My psychologist said that his relationship with this new girl is likely all to do with the drugs and lust. she thinks he will have to hit rock bottom before he realizes what he has done.

I kind of feel like having to keep the house for right now is like him and I keeping a part of us tethered. And it will always be there. So when we sell the house that would definitely be it, we would part ways ways, likely forever. And since he has time til the, he isn’t worried.

While I realize rock bottom might be the case for my ex, I still hope for the opportunity to decide at that point if he does come back or not of what I want.

I think the biggest thing that bothered my about this situation is I didn’t have a choice in the matter. What I wanted didn’t matter.

And there are moments when I think that I don’t want him back, but ultimately there are more moments of me wondering how and what he is doing. it just seems illogical of what happened. Trust me, I am not holding my breaTh..

I am on my mini vacation and I met this guy (a friend of my sisters) and I am excited about meeting people. Getting out of this bubble I was in and experiencing the world. I grew up and still live in a small town, so that is huge for me. I don’t want the what ifs hold me back in life.

I know that my ex couldn’t be out experiencing the world because of the drugs and the new gf being cling and her two kids. He has no car (I took the shared one when we separated) so he is stranded. And that’s sad reality for him because he cut himself off from the World from what he has done. And maybe he likes this crowded isolation but from what I knew about him he likes his space.

I am enjoying my trip so far. It’s fun to let loose again.

So, yesterday I had to call him and let him know the change to our house insurance. He transferred me to his office so he could have privacy to talk.

I kept to the point and short.. He was trying to keep me on the phone, and mentioned he talked to my dad (my dad asked him for money) so I apologized for my dad’s behaviour and said I would talk to him. I said three times I had to go and he kept trying to keep me on the line. He said that we would talk soon as if it was posed as a question. I just said, Kay bye.

I did keep it very professional. Because I didn’t want to break contact and I know I have to when it comes to house stuff.. So, I don’t know, it was nice to hear his voice, I guess.

I decided to call instead of text because it put him on the spot.

I feel like I am in a better place emotional because I handled it well.