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Posts
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So far it’s been four days.
I did have to call him about the house on Saturday (someone broke in) and as we both own it, I did have to inform him. I kept it short like how they say when you need to communicate during no contact.
I went out on Saturday night and had a good time. I came home and wish I could text him or talk to him about my night.. It was weird him not to be there to tell him about it.
Sunday, I had to do a repair on the lawn tractor, and I did it with success! I am pretty proud of myself.. But now realize that I need to buy my own tools because he took most of his. I worked out and took the dogs for a good stroll. Was going to do chores. Decided that they could wait, I wanted to watch a movie.
Today, I was feeling like he is an asshat for what he did to me. Thinking how could he possibly have done what he did aND not be bothered by it? and maybe he is bothered by it, I just don’t know. Then I got kind of bummed because I feel like he doesn’t even miss me. We were together ten years, I would hope he does. I think of how I used to know him, and I think he would be bothered by treating me so horribly.
I am going to dinner at my neighbours tonight, which is an out of comfort zone thing, so I have some anxiety right now. I know that I need to be tough and do it and get out of my comfort zone for my own improvement.
Tomorrow, I’m getting my hair done and cashing in the bottles. I have long hair (covers my chest) and everyone says I would look really good with a long bob. So we shall see
Dinner yesterday, I am really proud of myself for going and stepping out of my bubble.
Today, I didn’t go get my hair done, but good thing I hadn’t because I found THE new hair I want. I was having a I’m staying in bed forever moment, and my friend said it’s okay for me to do that. I didn’t the whole day, just til lunch and then I went outside and did yard work. Played with the dogs.
Kind of a bit depressed now, wish I had some sign of hope that the ex missed me. Wish I could talk to him. And I’m exhausted from working in the yard and driving my mom at all hours of the night, so I really just want to do little to nothing. Trying to play a new video game, my heart isn’t in it though (we used to game together all the time).
I decided on a tattoo. I’m going to wait til my birthday to get it though, just to make sure it’s not something I will regret.
This is day five. When does it get easier, I wonder?
Day 6.. Rage has kicked in. Like I have never felt so angry in my life. I want him to hurt. He left a wake of destruction in his path and I have to clean it up.. It isn’t fair.
I’m not just angry with him. I’m angry at so many things. I am treading lightly so I don’t screw something up.
People still say he will be back, I am doubtful. Maybe we all get like that but the people who break up and get back together it’s usually a fear of commitment. I am not sure that was the case Since we own a house together and he wanted to have childreN.. And he has moved in with the new girlfriend who has kids. I think it was more a fear of what else is out there. Not experiencing things.
I don’t know if that means we could get bac. My anger says that I deserve much better (and I do). I think that after ten years wasted, I deserve to have what I want in a partneR.
Hey, all your feelings are completely normal. It’s all part of the process and you are doing great. If he still has stuff at the house I would wait until you are calm and collected and then politely ask him to remove it. Do not show any emotion but just explain that you don’t need that stuff around you anymore. I think a lot of your anger is due to the fact that you feel helpless and he is holding all the cards. Start getting in control and you will feel better and I am sure he will notice this too. Do you think at the moment he is confident that you are not moving on?
I am sure he feels like I am not moving on..
Going to have that notion kicked in the butt with some hanging out with other guys. And perhaps letting that info get noticed on fb.
The rage subsided, actually surprised how fast it came and went and I feel.. Like better! I feel like I’ve accepted the situation better, now, and because I have, I am actually having a good day and feel motivation to do things for myself.
Today I did text him to ask him if he had a chance to get a notary for our separation agreement. I don’t count it as breaking no contact Because it’s something we need to do for the debts and assets we have and I kept it unemotional. It’s only been three weeks since I asked. I think me asking sends a msg that I am ready for this to all be wrapped up. I actually don’t feel emotional at all about it.
I feel happy.
I made dinner last night and it was really good (and for someone who doesn’t cook, that’s a good accomplishment!) I went for a peaceful walk, and I’m starting this yard work project tonight. Really excited.
I’ll tell you what. My ex didn’t try to contact me for the first 1.5 months. Then one night I was out with a very pretty girl. She walked into to the same place as us and definitely saw us together. The following morning I get a text with her trying to “catch up”. Ever since then she has made countless signs that she’s stalking me, missing me, possibly even wants me back. Get out there with those other guys. It will help you move on quicker and kick his ass back into shape when he sees that you’re having a better time than he is after the split. Good hobby selections to take up in by the way. 🙂
I think you are doing very well. I felt everything under the sun when my break up happened. I was sad lonely angry a lot. I focused that attention on myself and bam! everyday I started to feel better. I also made a list daily of tasks I wanted to complete the next day (can you say confidence boost!). I also changed my look and go for walks daily. Makes me feel better for some reason. When I wanted to say something to him, I called a female friend and said it to her. She would respond to me as if she was him in his cold stage. Helped me to move on to have that portion in there.
I find it odd that he won’t just sign off on this agreement. We both verbally agreed but it needs to be witnessed to be binding. He said he would try to get a hold of them, and then nothing.
I don’t know if it’s because he doesn’t think it is important, and just doesn’t care? Or if he’s holding off because he doesn’t want to sign it? I really don’t get it. He is living with the new girl, so you would think he would want these loose ends tied up.
So I’m a bit annoyed today but other than that, had a great day at work. My yard work project looks amazing. I made an appt for a psychologist today. While I am feeling good now, I’m sure I’ll have mood swings and I think it would be good to help push me out of my bubble if it’s drs orders. I am definitely more social already. A lot of my coworkers say I seem like a weight has been lifted off my shounders. And that I look great when I smile.
I talk with a couple of girls when I want to text him, it helps a lot. Although it is getting easier, I don’t want to talk to him really. I don’t know if that means I don’t want him back, or if I’m just sheltering myself.. I guess we will see when/if I get the opportunity, what I would say if he came crawling back.
My god, I’m doing this squat challenge. It’s awful but I’ve already noticed a change! I mean, I’m pretty girl, and I’m in good shape but I have like, no bubble to my butt, so of course, I am excited. It’s one thing I always wanted to change about myself and never had the time (and he used to tease me about working out)
Today was day 8.
I just woke from a terrible dream. And I realize it could one day become a reality..
He and her got married, suddenly.
It eliminated all chance of us and it gave me no choice. And I see that as being very true in this. I had no choice in the break up, and they got together and moved in as soon as we broke up, they are close to a married thought (2 years common Law is considered married). He told me in the dream he had hooked up with her constantly while we were together 521 times.
I felt good when I went to bed. This dream makes me want to break contact because I feel like they are going to fast, but I know he can’t be there yet. We were together for ten years and I know he feels like a pos for what he did. I don’t know if it outwardly carries it, but I feel like he would probably tell me he was going to marry her. It wouldn’t be sudden. Dreams are funny like that, they take a look at your subconscious thoughts and sometimes spew out this stuff that is one of our biggest fears.
I wrote yesterday that I didn’t know if I wanted him back anymore and I would figure that out if and when the time comes.. Taking away that possibility at all, while it could happen, tells me it is what I want right now. But I do think it could be that his suddenness and the bluntness of the situation in the dream was extremely hurtful. And in my dream I was bargaining for him.
And I don’t want to beg. I want him tO. Like I said, I want us ending to be my choice. Not stemming from I m not sure who I want to be with, I don’t know what I want in my life and him ultimately giving me hope that we would try again.. He said maybe we are soul mates and will work it out, his mixed signals while he picked up his stuff.. It’s just a big mind fuck.
I m not going to break my no contact over a bad dream, but o tell you this.. If they suddenly did get married (like in a month) all of his things that are here at the house I will probably destroy (TV, table, tools most of its stuff he can’t fit in her small condo.. We had a huge house.)
Man, I wonder what my sleep app will look like from this dream.
Oh God I know what you feel.. please hang on there, don’t panic, at least God is showing you a bitter possibility in case it happen you are strong to handle, but I don’t think it will though, what comes fast goes fast you have things together, 10 yrs is not a joke is full of good and bad times so be strong everything will sure be ok, and in case it didn’t you are a strong woman and will manage.
Today is only day ten. It feels like longeR.
Yesterday, I had been thinking, I am surprised he hasn’t contacted me to see how I am (he seemEd genuinely concerned when he got his stuff from the house about me. My friend says she isn’t surprised. she thinks he’s afraid to be alone. And him texting me would screw up what he has with this new girl. She said he will reach out when things start to not go his way.
She also said she mentioned my situation to a friend of hers, and that person says that he will be back.. It’s a cold feet kind of thing. She had been with her high school sweetheart too, and they broke up for a year before they got back and got married. It’s like, seeing what else is there in life.
I feel like if he wanted to talk to me.. he would though, and I feel like he won’t be back because he jumped from one commitment to another. I don’t know how it could be a rebound if they essentially moved in together after we broke up. But he did say where else would he gO, he doesn’t have family to rely on. He even said he wanted to stay at the house and I said no it would be too weird. Him living In the basement going out with her while I’m upstairs ..it’s like he would be aware of everything I would be doing.
So may be he didn’t feel he had options, or maybe he did want to live with her. Eventually he will realize he has no personal space (with her two kids and her). School will be out soon, and since the kids are 9 and 11, they will be a handful.
He essentially has to rely on her for everything, he doesn’t have a car and can’t insure one. And for some reason, she won’t let him drive hers. Or atleast she wouldn’t let him drive hers to get his stuff.
My friend thinks the new gf doesn’t know about the separation agreement needing to be signed at a notary, because if she did know she would push the matter to be done so it’s finalized. She also thinks that if she knew what was in the agreement, she would Probably fight some of it. So I don’t know if that is why he hasn’t dealt with it.. I suppose it would be hard to ask for a ride to a notary if she didn’t know about it.. Becuz she is almost obsessive over him, when he grabbed his stuff she texted him like no joke, ten times in the first five minutes. Insecure? Maybe.
Today I feel curious about all that. I mean, it does make no contact easy if he’s not trying to connect with me, but will he know? I guess it’s really the time to feel good again and for him to miss me (and he would have to, he had a good life, his only complaint about our relationship was not enough sex.) we got on well, had lots of hobbies together, enjoyed spending time together, he and i had time to spend with our friends. I just was busy and tired from worKing.. But we had connected more sexually in my most stressed out of work times than we had in a long time (and it was amazing).
I guess My strong emotions are fading a bit, and it’s giving me some perspective on the relationship As it was.
Hit a ‘i miss him’ moment. It sucks. I feel lonely and just want to talk to him.
I wish he would reach out to me, so I atleast would know he was thinking about me a bit.
weird to have two people message you at the same time saying that they have these guys for you to meet. Of course, I’m glad for the opportunity to myself back on the water but I am definitely nervous about it.
I obviously don’t want anything serious and I’m sure they don’t either. I just never have hooked up and it be just a Physical thing. I had only been with one person (my ex) so even just dating would be weird. Like, my ex never complained about things we did sexualLy, he juSt wanted it more often. What if I’m not good? I Certainly feel like I’m under experienced. I think hanging out no pressure would be good for me right now.
But it’s nice to have interest in me too..
Day 12
Made an appt with a psychologist today. I really want to get into a better place mentally and I think it will help me get out of my bubble and be more confident.
Today he is supposed to make a payment for the house. He had better. I was thinking that it would be pretty shitty to pay for something and not get to use it or know the end result (until we sell, we won’t know what profits we have). I atleast pay and it’s like paying rent. I would feel if I was him like am flushing money down the drain.. Along with his other bad decisions he is still paying for, he is flushing over a grand A monTh! I mean, I’m sure eventually he will resent me and then resent himself. It will probably cause problems in his new relationship, money has always been a stressor on him becuz of his crushing debt.
I still don’t get why he hasn’t contacted me about the notary. I think he just doesn’t care. He should care. We share a line of credit that either could borrow off of, and if I did he would be responsible too. I wouldn’t, but I could. He I don’t think realizes we can borrow on it again.
I wrote a list last night about the things I hated about him and then one about the things I loved about him. The loves outweigh the hate, but I looked at it closely and it was stuff he did mostly that I loved not so much stuff about him. But, the hate list was only stuff he did, not stuff about him.
It made me want to date though. I was thinking I’d like to date someone more into hiking. It was always a grind to get him to go. GrantEd, he enjoyed the end of hikes when u get to the top and see the world. I think we all are like that though. My friend has a friend who is into hiking and he is interested in me, so idk.
I used to believe in luck and fate and in karma. I wish that I still had that.
The anxiety is killing me. It makes it hard to sleep. It’s small things that bring it on. It makes me want to talk to him. I’ve been strong on no contact so far.. I am trying really hard to fight it.
Apparently a friend of mine saw them walking and he was like way ahead and she was staring St the by ground. Looked like a fight. So the honeymoon phase must be cracking.. It might work out good timing wise for when I end no contact. Never know.
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