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Hi Ladies and Gents
I am 31 years old and my ex/girlfriend is 24.
My girlfriend broke up with me last week Sunday. We dated for 11 months and things started out pretty serious. We share alot of passions and have alot in common. She is a very stubborn person, as am I which makes me worried about no contact (that she will play the “if he wont contact me, i wont contact him” game). Please excuse me as I am going to go quite in depth here. She has opened up alot to me very quickly at the beginning of the relationship and is very comfortable acting ways she wouldnt in front of even her family. I used to have major anxiety attacks and have experienced a few in front of her during our relationship (I mention this as it could be what made her lose some attraction towards me). About 3 months ago my mother was diagnosed with cancer which was very unexpected. She died 3 weeks later which was a large shock to my entire family. I currently live with my father and stepmother (who is very oppressive and has stifled my personality quite alot). Having had problems with anxiety after losing my previous girlfriend and a rather large business investment has put through quite a few depressive states over the years. My girlfriend started acting funny a few weeks back and started initiating periods where she needed space. She said I was too dependant on her and not moving forward in my life. Obviously my reaction was to try and win her back. The harder I pushed the more it pushed her away. She said she needed more space and this would make me more insecure and strive for more attention. She started getting really angry with me and texting me hurtful things. This made me try harder and act a “victim” so to speak, which then pushed her to break up with me on Sunday. I have done a medium amount of begging and pleading mixed in with some no contact (max 2 days). After going 2 days with no contact in an attempt to give her space I contacted her about her job interview (which she suggested we talk about). She responded very enthusiastically that the interview had gone well. After that I started trying to get signs of hope of getting the relationship back on track and asking that we remain faithful to eachother. This was on Thursday at which time I said to her that I wouldnt hook up with anyone else (I was going out that night) and that I hoped it would make her feel better. She never responded. On Friday morning I messaged her saying that I felt really insignificant to her and she responded saying that I was backing her into a corner and that she would only be willing to see me as friends (I asked her to let me take her on a date). Then on Saturday I had a major anxiety attack and was forced to call her as I had nobody else to help me. I messaged before hand and she said it was okay to call. I called and got no answer and then my father arrived who helped calm me down. After that I decided that was it I would no longer contact her as it was the best to go full no contact. I awoke on Sunday morning to a long message from her about wanting to support me through my difficult time (I am currently having a cancerous mole tested as well). She said that we obviously do love eachother and wherever that love is right now or will go she wants me to know I have someone who cares for me. She also suggested we go for a walk with the dogs and chat about life. Being fathers day (and to avoid being over eager) I told her it would be best to save our chat for another time and that I would like to spend the day with my father. This morning I sent her a text to reward her for sending me what I assumed were indicators of reconciling. She then offered to come with me to my mole checkup on Thursday as I was there for her during her operations in the past. I didnt respond to her text until this evening in which I thanked her but told her it would be best to wait until we had a clearer understanding of where we were with eachother. Her response was (if you want a friend to come with you then im happy to come). I responded that I thought she had different intentions with her previous messages. She went on about how friendship is important and love can be there in a friendship and said that I agreed to seeing her on her terms which were as a friend. My response was that I did say that however I made it clear that we would not restrict ourselves to friends. (I’m refuse to be friendzoned) I believe she has been sending me some mixed messages as she isnt sure about what she wants. Feels like she has an urge to still keep me in her life but keeps trying to find the weak needy side of me to reject to reassure her decision in the breakup. (Please let me know if I am reading this correctly).
Another big problem is that she keeps saying that she cant make me happy and thats why its best to end the relationship. This puts me in a position where saying I’m not happy with being friends with her makes her say “I cant even make you happy now so obviously it cant work”. This puts me in a position where I have to be happy with being friendzoned to show her she can make me happy (which cuts off reconciliation chance) or be unhappy and have her use it as an excuse to not be in the relationship.
Anyway what was last said a few hours ago was that I agreed to see her provided we didnt close off the possibility of reconciliation. I then told her I had to go to bed because I have alot to do tomorrow. She wished me goodnight and to sleep tight and I responded “Same to you. Give the dogs some love from me.” (we are both massive animal lovers).
I want to do the right thing here to get her back. Firstly how badly have I damaged things for myself? (Im hoping not too much as its only been 8 days). I really do love this girl alot and am hoping to reconcile things. She told me to let her know if I want to talk to her if I am feeling anxious about Thursday. She is expecting to hear from me on Thursday regarding my mole. Do I even contact her about it? Do I go full no contact with her and ignore her texts and calls? I have a strong feeling she will urgently try and contact me on Thursday regarding whether the mole cancer has spread or not. I would really appreciate any female opinions in this case. Or men who have been through similar situations.
Thank you kindly for listening to me story and I hope some light can be shed on this situation.
Speaking for anyone looking for advice in there situations I have much experience dealing with breakups with women in the past and what they have done that has or hasn’t gained my attention. I have broken up with women before who have tried to get back together with me and am eager to help those in need as well from a male perspective.
Yours Hopefully
Me
Hi Guys. I have maintained NC for today. Didnt hear a word from her since my message last night. I am in South Africa so it is currently 23:20pm Tuesday. I am really worried that she will attempt to contact me tomorrow regarding Thursdays meeting and I will cave. Some advice would be appreciated.
Sounds very similar in a way to my relationship or ex relationship. She feels that she isn’t strong enough to carry your emotional baggage I would say. Problem I am sure you have is you opened up to her and as she accepted some of your faults. You then invested more emotional time than you secretly wanted to. She then supported you through hard times and has now turned round and said its not you its me I can’t give you what you want etc.
When in fact what she is really saying, this stuff is either pulling on her as she has issues and its reminding her of them. Or she feels like she can’t give you what you need for example constant showing of love etc.
You shouldn’t be meeting her but since you are.
I suggest this, apologise that a lot has been going on and it’s all gotten a bit much for you. Tell her that you don’t need her to be full on and make you happy with needy attention. Say that her being like she always was is what helps you.
Then you have to be prepared for this, tell her that you need some space to sort your head out. Maybe see a counsellor, you have been through shit mate, nothing to be ashamed of. Tell her that your dedicated to getting the real you back because she adds value to your life and not a need.
I wish I had your position in my own life again.
You can get through this she just needs to understand that your anxiety hurts and worries aren’t going to be her baggage as well.
Thanks mate. That is really helpful. And it makes sense. It is great to hear an outsiders opinion as emotions tend to get the better of you in these situations.
After her I agreed to see her, provided we didnt rule out reconciliation, she never mentioned seeing me again. While I agree that I need to inform her of what you said I dont know when the right time for that would be. I’m attempting no contact at the moment.
Thanks Jburg32. You have given me some optimism.
It’s tough as regardless how stubborn they are or independent. A man always needs to be a man sadly. Just focus on you mate and I promise you will get there, even if it’s not with your ex, you may get through it and realise she may have heightened things by not being emotionally available 100%.
However I agree no contact and work on dealing with your issues and being positive. She just needs to see the change buddy.
I have sort of mentioned that I am working on my issues and neediness. Considering that shall I not send her any “I dont need you” story and just continue no contact? I kinda feel like I’m using this mole incident as a crutch to getting her to feel sorry for me. Any suggestions on how to communicate the results with her on Thursday? Shall I wait for her to ask? How should I mention what the results are to her if they are negative or positive? Perhaps I could throw the I need time line in there? Thanks again.
Wait till she asks you, then when she does. Just remain positive up beat. Even if it’s bad news just say, waiting for a few more tests and you are sure they would keep you waiting if it was serious.
Again I had this, I used illness to reach out and it created bliss which soon faded away. She cares about you of course they will want to make sure you are ok.
Keep mo contact going after she has asked. Which she will if she is any sort of human being.
You need to be prepared for all this to take a long long time, I know you just want her back and think that through all the hardship she has been the one that’s kept you going.
It needs to be you now, we are all messy and our partners should accept that. However unless they are willing to accept you for your full messy self. It will never last. So make your self better for you no one else.
The no contact like I said will help you. The first few weeks are the hardest, it’s like being on a diet, then constantly wanting that sugar fix.
The cravings go away.
Alright will do. No contact as in absolutely nothing? I am fairly certain ill receive some sort of mixed message signals. I’m guessing I completely ignore everything unless she is literally and without question suggesting we give it another shot? Haha look at me, even being needy on the forums. Apologies. Thanks for the support. Good night
Hey finalshine, we are in almost identical situations however I am 23 (almost the same age as your ex) and my ex he just turned 31 this year lol. However he broke up with me obviously and for the second time too :/. You are still in the early days of your breakup though. Remember even if you get back together you don’t want to get back together too soon as you definitely need that space apart where you both improve upon yourselves otherwise if you get back together too soon things will go back to how they are. Now unlike me who has been broken up for three months now I believe I have no chance of turning this around sadly :(. He has been giving me mixed signals like crazy and even said he would like to try again got me to sleep with him and then backed off again. I myself have really backed off recently and he is always contacting me asking how I am, how I’m going at university etc. All of this behaviour is so childish for a 31 year old man I feel. I would love your opinion though since you said you have some experience and you’re around the same age.
However in regards to your situation I know you have troubles with anxiety and depression, I am also somewhat the same however I think like jburg said you need to perhaps go see a counsellor or something and not depend on your ex. You reaching out to her and depending her is not exactly showing her how things will change, however I understand its only just been a week for you guys. But just keep that in mind for the future 🙂
Hi Coolcat. If he is still texting and contacting you then the feelings obviously are still there. Sadly these things tend to exist regardless of your age. Have you gone a period of full no contact with him? When he makes attempts at seeing or speaking to you I still think not responding or not answering his texts would be the best thing to do. I mentioned this in someone on another thread. All animals, people included, like to chase. If you dangle a piece of string in front of a cat it desperately wants to catch the string. But if you drop the string in front of the cat it loses interest. Peoples natural reaction is to try and get what they cant have. If you are not available when your ex contacts you then he will start to see you as a person of desire again. You can completely turn things around here. I was with a girl for 6 years who broke up with me and I wasnt too fussed by it. She was in fact a mess and was trying to get me back. I was having fun with my friends and enjoying life. For 2 or 3 months she went NC and sent me a message about the new pirates of the carribbean movie, which I really enjoyed and this got us talking again. At this point I felt ready to be with her again. I think there is still hope. You just need to show him that you arent available to talk to when it comes to these questions he keeps asking.
Well I know men are more immature than women 😛 but he would carry on about how immature I was cause we argued a lot and I was very jealous however given his behaviours after the breakup I think my jealousy was warranted haha. I have gone through no contact for a week or two here and there however reached out a while ago as he owed me money from the house we rented together. He then used that as a stepping stone to meet up and was then saying how different i seem and couldn’t get enough of me. Then he just switched again even though I didn’t bring anything up or pressure him. However I have been going out having a good time and if I post photos he messages me and asks how my weekend was but nothing directly about the outing. We had a serious chat the other week and he said he misses me every day and wishes he could be in my arms again but he just can’t. I’m over being led on. I feel like I can’t not respond to him as he generally messages me on fb so he can see when I’ve seen it. He planned to go to a movie with me last night and when we sort out the details hours later he messages me saying he’s feeling unwell and can’t go. I wasn’t going to reply but thought it might show I was mad so I just said “no problems”. Bloody men, he’s gotta be way too old for these games (no offence :P) but I’m only 23 and know who i want and what I want in life.
How are you feeling today ?
If someone could help me what to expect from my ex during no contact? I mean I feel as though when I have gone for just these 2 day periods I have recieved some mixed signals about that there is a special love between us etc. And my reciprocation brought her back to being comfortable and trying to pull the friends card. What sort of contact is appropriate to respond to? And is there a point when I know that she is feeling enough remorse to respond to her contacts or answer her calls? Coolcat perhaps from any experience you may have had you might know what situations I should respond to and how to respond. I obviously am in a position where she knows she can have me. I’m a safety net. And I want to take that away from her and try and get her wanting to work things out with me so we can speak from a position of being equal and turning this relationship around. Also Jburg32, you seem to be pretty experienced in this whole getting your ex back thing.
Well I haven’t done full no contact I have done a bit of mixed. I have seen reviews for no contact and keeping some form of contact. So I went with a mixed method myself depending on his initiation and content of the subject. But its up to you :). You need to remember its only been just over a week for you. You can’t expect it all to happen straight away otherwise things won’t be different in the end. You won’t have learnt the value of space and depending upon yourself solely. And for her its to value you and what you’re worth so that will take some time. Space will help but meeting up in time will also show her the changes you have hopefully made. I know its hard, we’ve all been there but just think those things that are worth it take time. You can’t expect her to come back or for changes to happen over night.
Like you three months later however for me I am still just a safety net to my ex. After he messed me around and I felt used I really pulled back and he’s been the only one to contact me. He has initiated it all in the last few weeks and I’m surprised he hasn’t gotten bored to be honest like most guys do. I’m so over this whole thing with him. People who care about each other are not supposed to make the other feel like I do meanwhile he feels good about himself.
They are not. Do not worry about what he thinks. I can tell you right now that if someone did that to me I would think she is angry at first but after a few hours even, my mind would start going all over the place. What is she doing what is she thinking? Is she getting over me? Dont contact or respond to him at all. Dont see him. Dont be his safety net. If he messages you or tries to call dont respond until you have feedback from these forums. People here are very knowledgeable about these things. The only situation that confuses me now is if he (or my ex to be honest) starts phoning uncontrollably. Perhaps they may be trying to reconcile or perhaps looking to see if the safety net is available. If that is the case maybe just say u cant talk now as you need to clear your head.
I am really struggling today. Watching movies and watching my phone for messages. Lol sad I know. I have a feeling that at some point she will start anxiously trying to get hold of me. I have helped her through anxiety attacks before as well and although she is seeing a psychologist at the moment (which kind of makes me worried that the psychologist will be telling her not to contact me during these times of panic). Basically I want her to know that I would be willing to help her through them if we were together but that I cannot do it otherwise. (What do you think?) I do want the opportunity for that to happen to arise, but I am not sure how to handle it if it does. I think Jburg could probably shed some light on that.
Will keep an eye on my email incase you need any advice. Best of luck.
Sometimes it takes a little someones mind to start wondering. Specially if they feel they have control over the relationship and can call the shots. Once that control starts to fade, so the worrying and questioning begins. That is why in your situation stepping back will strengthen you over time. These feelings never go away for a man. Right now I still feel like contacting my ex that broke up with me 8 years ago for support. The feelings will be shown.
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