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It’s more than just wanting to know where I am it’s being up my ass about everything all the time. Smothering me in kisses and hugs when I don’t want them and making things that don’t need to be a big deal into big deals.
The last time I saw him was Dec 13th. The last time I contacted him was to say Happy New year so I’m gonna wait till the end of January to talk to him again. I keep hoping I’ll look at my phone and I’ll see an “I miss you” text.
Someone made a good point to me yesterday. He’s not only grieving for our relationship right now but also mourning his roommate who for all intensive purposes abandoned him. This is the first time in his entire life he’s actually been alone. And as much as he liked to say it’s what he wanted I think that was just his way of vocalizing that he needed me to stop smothering him. But like I said before, he’s not sleeping or eating right and is still saying he’s sick all the time. He’s obviously lonely or else he wouldn’t be posting so much. And he knows that would previously have been enough to take me running back to him too.My grandparents suffocate me and I really honest to god never realized I was doing the same thing to him that I hated them doing to me. I suppose it was all I had to reference at the time for relationships… suffocation.
I am living with my grandparents and have a full time bank job. I was living here when I pushed myself to move in with him because I wasn’t happy here and he knew it. I still have the keys and since I’m not desperate for anything I left there I figured it just as well wait till the end of no contact. He keeps saying he wants to move house but I don’t think he wants to do it on his own so he’s procrastinating. I’m pretty sure he has no idea what he wants as his mind is always in battle against his heart. He probably thought that if I moved out and we weren’t together anymore somehow that was going to fix the fact that we were broke, he needs a new job, and he needs a new place to live. He thought that if he finally had peace those things would come together and they aren’t and he’s probably starting to appreciate what I did for him a little more but doesn’t want to say anything like Kevin had mentioned that’d make him look crazy. (Or at least if hope)
I’m not stalking him, he’s the one who is liking sharing and commenting on MY posts. I do tend to keep a closer eye on his stuff now but Kevin’s emails said that would be normal and that he is probably doing the same. He is depressed and you are right, that is something he needs to take under control himself so that he can be happy. But even though he was depressed we still managed to be happy for a long time. The longest running stretch being while I was working at Target and was coming home much later than him, I wasn’t waiting at the door like a needy puppy every day and we were happy for a long time. I was focusing my effort elsewhere, I wasn’t smothering him during that time and we were good, him depressed or not. I also lost a bit of empathy for his disease and his depression and I can’t (in retrospect) believe some of the things I told him. But no matter what through it all, he still showed me he cared. A whole year went by and it wasn’t till near the end he pulled away. But even with him making an active effort to do so HE STILL CARED. He would still hold me when I was sad and kiss my forehead and we never stopped connecting on an emotional level. But our physical and mental levels went a bit crazy. Me suffering from the fact that by suffocating him I was making myself miserable (but didn’t realize it) and him obviously from all the added life stress that we didn’t need and his internal introverted want to be left alone and never getting it set him over the edge. He never actually broke us up or said I had to leave, I made the move because I knew staying there wasn’t helping anymore and we needed space.
