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Hey all…update on my update (which may itself have been an update on another update).
As you see above, we were supposed to go on an actual date tomorrow night. But, our situation was quite complicated to begin with, and looking back at it my relationship shouldn’t have lasted as long as it did. You can read my history for more info, but basically I was my ex-girlfriend’s rebound after a very short period of time, she still had feelings for her ex, and he tried to win her back. She told him no, but learning this made me more pessimistic, I noticed she acted colder to me, we quickly became more distant and broke up two or three weeks after he came back into her life.
Anyways, I work from home and she gave me a call a bit ago, knowing I’d be able to talk freely. She basically admitted to me that I’m the perfect guy for her, but she’s still not over her (other) ex and the reason things went so fast with us initially is that she was forcing herself to fall for me, but you can’t logic and argue into love. Instead, it just made her more confused, and the more she forced it, the less she actually cared for me. Seeing her ex just made the problem worse and probably sped things up. But because I was her rebound and she still had feelings for him, we weren’t built to last and had a shelf life anyways. She admitted she probably has feelings for me buried deep down, but also has feelings for him… basically, she needs some time as a single woman to get her psyche squared away, she’s not really ready to date anyone right now. Seeing me made her happy since we get along and I make her laugh, but she realized she was doing the same thing again – talking herself into loving me even though she’s not mentally able to be with anyone right now. So, my date tomorrow is canceled.
I wasn’t thrilled to hear this but knew the whole getting my ex back plan, especially since I was the rebound and those almost never work, was an uphill climb to begin with. So I’m not taking it too hard. I suppose there’s a slim chance she’ll change her mind in the future, but I’m not counting on it and it has to be her coming to me with no prodding from me. I’m not gonna repeat NC, and a letter, and reaching out, and going for a date, and her rejecting me rinse and repeat over and over until she takes me back or one of us dies…I’m 99.9% confident we have no future, and I accept this. I’m still glad I went through the plan, since now I’m not holding onto the glimmer of hope that we have a future together and can healthily move on.
I know this might dishearten some of you that viewed my story as a model of what you should try to, and can, accomplish sticking to the plan. And I know we all have our own individual circumstances, but: the fact that I was her rebound, and even today several months later she still has feelings for her ex before me, means we were doomed. Period. I still had some luck with the plan – got her to text me back, got her to meet me in person, got her to flirt, and hell I probably did rebuild some attraction. But I couldn’t overcome the circumstances, and even if we never broke up and were dating today our romance would be going downhill. If you were also the rebound, yourself, and trying to win your ex back I wish you the very best of luck but if your ex isn’t over whoever (s)he rebounded from, the odds are not in your favor.
The takeaway of my story is that if you truly want your ex back, go for it. This plan can work depending on circumstances, but it might not. Still, whether it fails or succeeds, you’ll have improved yourself and either gotten with your ex or gotten closure. I’d much rather have closure, knowing the door with my ex is shut, so I can devote all my time to finding and dating new women. Versus going on dates my heart’s not into and pining for my ex, hoping she texts me asking for me back…now that I know it’s almost definitely not going to happen, I’m in a much better mental state.
@Nmay11 I recently met my ex girlfriend for a cup of coffee, which is turning into a dinner date this weekend – I know exactly what you’re going through. Here’s how I’d handle it (a bit of a read).
First, it’s important that you remain calm. You aren’t really looking to rekindle your old relationship, you’re looking to create a new relationship with the new and improved you. If you seem spastic (or controlling like before) this will turn her off a bit. She has to be attracted to you. I know the stakes are high, and you’ve been wanting this for awhile, but you have to remain calm. What helped stop from stressing was actually a somewhat defeatist attitude – I’ve done what I can, she’s liked me before, I’ll just be myself and if that isn’t good enough for her, I can move on. Whatever you need to tell yourself to not freak out, do it – this is absolutely crucial.
Second, like @patricia12 said, do not mention anything about the past relationship, the breakup, how sad you’ve been, or getting back together. I know it’ll be in the back of your mind, and probably hers too, but don’t bring up anything negative, at all. Be completely positive the whole time. People are attracted to other positive people, tying back to the above – you need to reattract her. Plus, if you mention these topics, and she isn’t mentally there yet, she’ll further dig into her heels of not wanting you back. It takes time to make her want you again.
Third, keep it short and casual (strive for about an hour). Think of how a TV show that ends with a cliffhanger makes you anticipate the next episode…this is the feeling you want to convey. She’s impressed and attracted to the new you. Great! It’ll make her want to see you again for when you actually ask her out. But…
Fourth, don’t make this completely platonic – make it somewhat flirty to rebuild sexual tension and interest. I’m not saying take off your pants, and you probably shouldn’t even try to kiss her at the end, but graze her shoulder, be playful, if she says something sad touch her hand to let her know you’re sorry, etc. You should also do whatever you can to look your best. Possibly even smell your best too, cologne would be a good idea.
Fifth, do not ask her out on an actual date at the lunch meeting, unless you’re absolutely sure she’s interested. The reason for this is that she’s probably not going in hoping to date you again, but she may know that’s your goal. So, when you impress her with the new and improved you, she goes from a “no” to a “maybe”. But, you asking her out and putting her on the spot is a turn-off, making it less likely she says yes. Conversely, you not asking her out then and there surprises her, possibly makes her think you aren’t interested (people want what they can’t have), increasing the likelihood she says yes. So, I’d recommend asking her to an actual date either via text or phone call in a day or two.
Good luck! Stay calm, and know that if this doesn’t go according to plan, at least you finally have closure and can move on to different women.
@Braveheart1 Sorry pal – I wasn’t implying that following the steps here guarantee success, but possibly to cheer up the spirits of some people with fairly normal situations who don’t have any hope whatsoever and insist on breaking NC almost immediately. This stuff can work, doesn’t mean it always will.
My situation before this was okay…on one hand, it’s not like cheating, violence, or constant fighting led to the breakup. Her friends and family like me too. But on the other hand, we only dated a few months (only just started saying I love you, which was a desperation play on my part since I could tell this was going downhill…think she said it too just to be polite) so we didn’t have the strongest history together. And there was a period of time I was pretty convinced she’d dump me for her ex; even if she won’t ever admit it to me, I’m sure she at least contemplated it on some level.
But hey man, even if this doesn’t work out, you live and you learn. Plus it’ll give you closure – nothing worse than obsessing over somebody you might have a chance with but don’t know, stopping you from dating other people.
@AGuyWhoMissesHer Ironically, since your therapist has been right about everything so far, if you can get in touch with him/her fast enough, I’d ask your therapist for what to do. If you can’t get in touch with your therapist in time, here’s my advice (but your therapist’s should trump mine)…
It’s been a few days since your ex texted you this question, answering now would just be weird. So for now, I’d ignore the question, text her again, try to rekindle a conversation, ask her out again. If she asks you what you’ll be talking about a second time, don’t ignore it. Instead, it depends on why you broke up initially. At the risk of sounding like an asshole, you have over a hundred posts and I’m not gonna read your entire post history, so it’s up to you to figure out which one is more appropriate.
If the reason you broke up was due to something a therapist would logically help with, like extreme depression or anger on your end, I think it would be a good idea to admit it to her, it’s obvious that you’ve been seeking help and bettering yourself. But, if you broke up just because she lost attraction to you, or got bored, etc. – although a therapist can help with this, admitting it to her could come across as a bit weak (unfortunately, as useful as it can be, seeing a therapist often carries a negative stigma). So in this case, maybe make it vague but about how you’re better than before, like you started a new hobby, learned a new skill, got a new job, etc.
Don’t say that we’ll talk about that you’re more confident and less insecure than before – I’m sure you are, but this is one of those things she should realize by herself. Flat out telling somebody you’re self-confident with hopes of her being impressed by your new self-esteem will likely have the opposite effect.
@Lou84 This is going to sound harsh and mean, but you need some tough love right now. You keep on asking me the exact same thing, I tell you the same answer, and you refuse to accept what I (and this site, and similar sites) say, asking me again and hoping the facts will magically change.
Here are the facts. Your ex ended things with you – not your choice, hers, and she hasn’t changed her mind. You’re still occasionally seeing her in a friendly and non-romantic setting, hoping that it will make her reconsider and take you back as her boyfriend. It obviously isn’t. In fact, you apparently met up with her and told her you still have feelings, which is hugely in contrast with what Kevin’s site suggests. What you are doing is not working. Remaining friends with your ex and assuming she’ll fall back in love with you seems to be counterproductive, as she clearly told you she does not have the same feelings, and arguing with her to take you back is needy and unattractive.
Albert Einstein said that the definition of insanity is trying the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Right now, your approach is insane! Nobody can guarantee if your ex will take you back, but your consistently seeing her and telling her you care about her is putting you in a worse and worse spot. Seriously, read Kevin’s site – he calls them deadly mistakes, and you’re doing them. Consistently.
My advice to you: effective immediately, go No Contact for at least 30 days. If she contacts you, short of her saying she wants you back so let’s become a couple again or at least go on a date, you ignore. Period. She might start to see you as less needy than she does now, and this will grow her attraction to you. Once the 30 days ends, slowly reach back out to her – instead of doing what you’ve been doing, follow Kevin’s plan. Submit your e-mail to get his daily advice too if you haven’t already, it’s helpful stuff.
I’m not trying to sound like an asshole, but the fact you’re asking me the exact same thing over and over, I’m giving you the same answer, and you’re rephrasing your question to me is getting pretty frustrating. This is the last time I’ll respond on this thread, it will be good for both of our sanity. If you do in fact go No Contact for thirty days and then have new questions, feel free to ask them. But in the meantime, you seriously need to go No Contact and improve yourself. Good luck.
My guess is that she legitimately does want to be your friend, knows you want to be more than friends, and feels bad that her romantic rejections hurt your feelings. Which likely means that you seeing her as friends will reinforce to her that you’re friends, and only friends.
We’re talking in circles here – it’s up to you but I still highly recommend going No Contact. That’s the only way she’ll miss you.
There’s no magic pill – some days the sadness is worse than others, it ebbs and flows but gradually decreases over time. Go No Contact – not only will it increase the likelihood of you getting him back, but also helps you get over him.
I think the most important thing to do is have a realistic mentality. Go through the steps here, try your best, but don’t hold out hope and pine for him forever. If this doesn’t work for you – and you have to acknowledge that it might not – move on and start dating other people.
@Louise84 @Sansa Look, every situation, and person, is different. Is it possible that by remaining friends with your exes, they’ll change their minds, see you in a different light, and beg you to come back while seeing you regularly and not having their subconscious make them miss you? Sure. But it’s unlikely. Even if you are making positive changes in your life, they’re probably gradual enough that if you see your ex very regularly, she won’t even notice…
You’e on a message board of a site that strongly advocates No Contact for several weeks – it’s a logical conclusion that most people here will adhere to it. You’ll also find, that if you Google around for sites like this, they almost all, uniformly, recommend No Contact from the people running them doing research and finding what works/doesn’t work. I’m inclined to follow the experts’ advice. You can either take it or leave it, but know that what you’re currently doing is not working, so why not try something new?
@sansa @Lou84 Don’t remain friends while you want them back romantically for several reasons…
First, it can cause you a lot of emotional turmoil seeing them regularly but knowing you’re not together – especially if, as friends, your ex starts talking to you about other romances. Second, it will not force them to miss you at all if you’re around. Third, it completely changes the dynamic of your relationship – they’ll start seeing you as a friend, even if you see them as a potential lover. Fourth, if you’ve already made it clear that you want them back and remain friends, it can make you seem weak and insecure to them (even if it’s subconscious) that you’re willing to be around in a way you don’t want, just to see them.
Granted, every situation is different, but there’s a reason almost every article and site about getting an ex back (not just this) recommends going No Contact for a little while – it works far better than staying in regular contact.
Hmmm, I agree, you are definitely in an unconventional situation. I wouldn’t treat this as a normal breakup, at all. In fact, I wouldn’t do No Contact, or even send the letter (since you talked about what you’d write anyways, in person). Based on what already happened, if you go No Contact, she might think you have no interest in rekindling with her.
So, I’d advise striking a balancing act somewhere between No Contact and what you’d do in a very casual long distance relationship. In other words, every couple of weeks or so send her some type of message like “I just drove past that place we went on that great date, remember it? I do, still have fond memories!” to make sure you’re in her thoughts. But don’t go overboard. If she reaches out to you, assuming she’s not absolutely bombarding you with calls/messages/Snapchats/whatever, I think it’s okay to respond. Wait a bit and don’t do it immediately to build up the suspense and keep it light, but don’t ignore her.
However, while she’s away, continue to work on yourself and become a better you so once she sees you, she’s impressed and more likely to take you back. Go on a date or two, even if they lead nowhere, to practice flirting and interacting with women. And, while she’s away, you may notice you feel less and less interested in her. If this happens, this might mean you’re legitimately over her and might change your mind, not want to reconcile. It’s okay if this happens, and if so, don’t force yourself back with her if you don’t want to!
Good luck!
1. Not giving it back will make you seem petty and could aggravate her, decreasing the odds she’ll take you back. Communicate with her as necessary to get her stuff back, but talk about nothing else – you can exchange shallow pleasantries but nothing more substantive (feelings, desire to get back together, etc.) If she wants it, you don’t have to make the effort to drive her way. Make her come to you, or have a mutual friend pick it up, etc.
2. This isn’t a question? Looks like she’s trying to move on; but, if she truly cared about you, though she may be “single” she likely won’t start dating, at least not seriously, for a little while.
3. This is probably a good sign that she’s checking up on you to an extent. And good on you for not reciprocating, it’ll help keep your sanity and make it seem to her you aren’t obsessing over her. If you are, you shouldn’t be – take some time for yourself to improve.
4. For most contact from her (other than logistics of getting her stuff back) you should ignore. But in this case, you should respond, albeit cool and aloof. If she texts you this, don’t respond immediately saying “OMG YES I LOVE YOU LET’S GET BACK TOGETHER” but rather reply a few hours later arranging to get a cup of coffee and talk it out. When you see her, also discuss what went wrong and why it won’t go wrong again. My concern about jumping right back in sight unseen that it makes you seem needy and unattractive – her emotions are all over the place right now so she could change her mind a day later, you need to continue building up the suspense. And, you actually do need to have this chat, otherwise whatever problems caused you to break up in the first place will come back. If these problems cannot be fixed, as painful as it may be, you two are better off without each other.
