Nell

Hello all 🙂

I hope everyone is doing well. I’ve been M.I.A. as I’ve moved on. I’m in a much better place now and actually feel happy again. I had decided 2 weeks into my breakup that I was done and didn’t want to get back with my ex. I was coming here to help me keep to NC and help me heal. I did have moments of weakness and waffling back to wanting to be with him again, but realized I wasn’t missing him, just the comfort or security of how things used to be, or some idealized version of our relationship that I had in my head. I stuck to my resolve to move on, and it’s paid off. I never tried any magic letters or texts or anything like that. I realized I wasn’t happy and the relationship was toxic; I should have gotten out a long time ago. I lost myself and wasn’t the person I used to be. I was the one putting in all the effort and work but he wasn’t. I was giving all I had to him, but nothing to myself. I realize now that the relationship needed to end and that’s okay.

I don’t hold any ill will toward my ex, and I take responsibility for my part in things. While the breakup could have gone better on both our parts; I’m thankful it ended. As strange as it may sound, this has been a massive learning experience and I actually feel thankful toward my ex for breaking it off. After a lot of solitude and time to think; I know what’s important to me in a relationship and in life in general. I feel like I know myself better and I’m getting back to the person that I used to be in some ways and becoming a greater version of myself in other ways. It feels like I woke up from a coma. I just had to wade through a lot of shit to get here. It wasn’t easy, and learning my lessons and to let go was very difficult and took a lot of work. It’s funny to think how miserable I was in the beginning; I probably would have laughed in your face if you told me this is where I would be after a few short months.

Moving forward, I have no desire to be in contact with or be friends with my ex. I feel that our time is finished and we should no longer be part of each other’s lives; what’s done is done. I have goals and passions in life that I want to follow and the only way I can do that is to forge ahead. I no longer think about my ex or dwell on anything that happened. I’ve let go of all resentment. I’m not angry anymore. I’ve forgiven myself for my part in it and the way I behaved after. I decided I needed to let it all go in order to be happy, so I did. I haven’t felt this calm, relaxed, and at ease with myself since before I was in the relationship. No one should ever make you feel insecure, not good enough, anxious, or like you don’t know where you stand with them, especially in a LTR or a marriage.

Therapy and solitude were the two most healing aspects of my recovery process. These may not be for everyone, but they gave me much needed clarity. I learned that I needed to set healthy boundaries and stick to them and not let others walk all over me. That isn’t love and it isn’t loving yourself to allow that. I also learned to speak up about issues in a relationship. If you don’t, you are just poisoning yourself with resentment.

The only issue I’m facing right now is dealing with friend’s and family’s personal opinions on how I should be moving forward. Since I was in a LTR, many have their own ideas about what I should be doing or how long I should be alone before dating, etc. Ultimately, there are no rules or timelines for healing or moving on. It’s a case by case basis and we all need to do what is best for ourselves. It also goes back to setting healthy boundaries.

I realize this is kind of long. I guess I had a lot to say. 🙂 I hope everyone here can make it out the other side relatively unscathed. Whether you get back with your ex’s or move on, I hope you all get to a place of happiness and self contentment. Life is too short to be unhappy.

@confusedbutok Lmao! You got me, I’m horrible! I got it. My username is little_fish_3. I’ll message you here in a bit, promise. 🙂 As for the stubborn thing, it’s a tricky situation. I think it would take time and trust building between you two, like building up a friendship again and getting to the point where she will carry on deeper conversations with you and be willing to open up again. I’m stubborn as hell too, and speaking from my own situation, for me to ever consider reconciling with my ex, he would have to jump through firey hoops. I don’t know if she is like that?

@Martin When was the last time you saw her? If it’s been some time I can imagine that would be nerve wracking. I agree with confusedbutok, if you really don’t feel ready, then don’t meet. Take care of yourself, I hope you feel better!

@knitterz I think that makes a lot of sense. I think some guys are like that, my ex included (eyeroll). Being angry at you gives him the validation he needs to push you away, like you said. Since his birthday is still a little ways off, you have time to think about what you would like to do. You may end up changing your mind closer to time, and who knows how he will act or what might change in your situation by then. I’d say just be open to it either way for now.

You are right. I think it would be good for me to try dating again, even just casually here and there. I could definitely use the practice. I feel the same way about wasting my whole 20’s with my ex, but I’m trying not to think of it as wasted. I sure as hell learned a lot throughout this whole process.

@confusedbutok That’s funny about the one pancake. Don’t feel bad about what you sent today. I think it will be alright. Even if it was too soon, I don’t think it will have done much if anything to set you back. I’m sure she will message you back soon. Try not to dwell or be too hard on yourself. 🙂

@Martin I wish I could help you out, but where you are right now is kind of where I get lost too. I think it might be good to finally do a meet up. Staying cool and not being attached to any certain outcome will help too. And try not to worry too much about doing things right or wrong, go with the flow of the conversation and you will be fine. 🙂 Treat it like it’s no big deal and you are meeting up with any old friend.

@confusedbutok I definitely think your ex is holding back or purposefully trying to keep a distance with you, hence the not going past small talk or pleasantries. She could be scared or unsure of going back down a relationship path with you. Slow and steady I think is key. I’d do as Martin suggested and not contact too often at least until she starts to open up more.

@knitterz I’m sorry he is acting like a jerk. I’m not condoning his behavior in any way but I think that he is going through something emotional. It could be feelings for you, or it could be the other girl making him act that way too, or any combination of those things and others. I think he’s taking frustration out on you. Still, it sucks that he is being that way and you have to deal with it. :/ I spent some time with that friend recently, and nothing was brought up about my ex. She didn’t mention the picture again. I do still wonder if she relays info, but I try to be on my best behavior.

So, this weekend was awful. I was beyond tempted to contact my ex. I was super emotional and missing him, and spent most of the weekend in crying spells. Then, I decided to re-read all of his past messages from the breakup. He said some really awful stuff, but I read it over and over again. My mindset changed. I realized that I’m not missing him, but being in a relationship. I’m missing the companionship, the physicality, and even doing things for another person, because I’m a giver and I guess I get off on that. It was sort of a wake up call. I’m now in a sort of half anger half acceptance stage, but I’m feeling better and closer to letting it all go.

@knitterz I think sending a “happy b-day” text would be a good idea. It would show you remembered and were thinking of him. I think it would be a two birds, one stone situation too with the new girl, because you know it will make her angry. Not that I’m for playing games or anything, but she is just making it too easy. I think in most other’s situations stepping back and being completely silent helps, but I’m thinking in yours and the way your ex is, you might need to try to stay in his life a little. Maybe doing limited contact after you’ve completed your chunk of NC.

I understand where you are coming from with the sleeping alone thing. Do you have pets? Something I did early on was shove a couple pillows up against me in bed so that it felt like someone was in bed with me, haha. I’ve been thinking lately of getting a puppy so that I could have a little friend to take care of and cuddle with.

I haven’t read Outlander but I caught a few episodes of the series on tv and thought it was an interesting storyline. Let me know what you think when you are done, I might pick it up :). I’ve been readying all kinds of things lately. I just finished the three 50 shades books, and I’m almost through The Heart is a Lonely Hunter. I think after that I’m going to get The Martian, it sounds good and I guess it’s going to be made into a movie soon. I’ve been recommended The Alchemist, so that’s on the list. I’m also thinking of getting Bukowski’s Love is a Dog from Hell, because it seems fitting right now, haha.

@archola I have to ask what you are feeling at this point? You seem a little confused about what you want to do. You mentioned wanting to go into NC indefinitely, but then mentioned contacting her after that about her birthday. I think it’s up to you what you feel is best to send her in your letter. If you truly want to go into NC indefinitely then say whatever you feel you need to say.

I think it’s different for everyone. For some it’s immediate, with others it comes with time. I was so hurt and angry after my breakup that I didn’t miss my ex for some time. It’s been a few months since and I’ve just now gone into a stage of missing him. I’ve already gone through all the other stages, and a few rounds of the anger stage, to end up at a missing stage only recently.

When will it end? It’s hard to say, that is different for everyone as well. I think what’s more important is how deep the missing is. I think it’s normal to think about your ex and to miss them from time to time. If you are in a deep hurt and have a bad longing for them months and months down the line, then it might be a good idea to speak to a counselor or therapist. It could be a sign of depression or being stuck in that stage if you find you’re not moving out of it several months later.

@heartbreak21 I’m sorry to hear that you were robbed, that sounds very upsetting and frightening. I hope you were not hurt? Getting through the split from an ex is difficult enough but having other life problems on top can make it feel so much worse. It’s normal to want to go to your ex for support, especially if they were the one who was always there for you in the past. Do you have some good trustworthy friends or family you can turn to right now? If you haven’t, I would suggest looking into some sort of therapy or counseling, not just for breakup but maybe for the robbery as well, sometimes you can even find support groups. What issues are you having with your roommates? Take it a day at a time. Focus on yourself and doing what you need to in order to feel better. Find someone to talk to that you trust. Realize that things may be really rough right now, but they will get better, and this won’t last forever. When you find that you are having to go it alone, know that you are strong and you can get through this and in the end it will make you stronger.

@archola I think it would be best for you not to check on her. It can be difficult to focus on other things as well as ourselves when we are constantly focused on our ex. I heard something today that I think is true for most of us: rejection breeds obsession. I think a lot of us, myself included, have gone through this after the breakup and in order to focus on ourselves we have to work through and conquer that obsession (the ex). With acceptance and moving on we can find in ourselves a strength that we didn’t know we had. When I decided that I wanted to move on and I came to terms and accepted the breakup it felt devastating at first, but it felt better with each new day. I think you can find some peace of mind and open yourself up to many new and wonderful things in the process. Who knows, maybe once you have moved on and you are living a happy life, she may come back to you, and you will have to decide if you even want her at that point.

@ThePhoenix It never ceases to amaze me how much alike our ex’s are. My ex is extremely guilty of deflection (pointing fingers), which my therapist brought up. It’s a shame that they can’t take some responsibility for themselves and look inside. It’s sad really. I think you have a good head on your shoulders and you sound strong and in a great frame of mind. I really admire you for that!

@knitterz She totally read your message, lol, whatever. She sounds like a real piece of work. I don’t think what you said was too harsh. Kudos on not showing any upset and wishing them both well. I’m sure that made her mad too. Her behavior is going to make you look better and better without you even having to try. She must be exhausting to put up with.

My ex won’t talk about anything except divorce and how we are going to do it. He won’t talk about us, the relationship, nothing. He messaged me a few days after the breakup trying to push me into talking about divorce and me moving back home to my family. Great guy right? Way to give a person time to let all that sink in. He’s out of the country for another 3 months or so. I’m going to do NC until then, and when he gets back he’ll have to get his stuff, so we will see each other at that point. When my friend mentioned the photo she made a joke about it, said I could throw darts at it. I laughed it off and said while it was tempting, I’ll pass. But really, it still seems odd to me. I had the same thought you did about it but I didn’t want to over think it or get my hopes up over anything.

I’ve been having dreams about my ex lately and it’s really throwing me off. I had decided that I wanted to move on and didn’t want him back, but the dreams are giving me mixed emotions. In one dream he came to get his stuff, but had to stay over for some reason. He took and shower and walked around the apartment naked, and then tried to get me to sleep with him. In another, we had reconciled and were renewing our vows! Ugh. These dreams are making it so hard right now, and it sucks that I can’t control them.