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Hey Sky…I don’t know why he did that….and to be honest, it likely has absolutely nothing to do with you, even though you are obviously hurt by it. Since you and he are broken up…he is allowed to do and say whatever he likes on his social media page. I know that stinks, but it is the truth. I think you need to unfriend him for a while….you are so focused on what he is doing and saying that you aren’t able to focus on you and what you need to do to move forward. It is also keeping you a bit stuck. If unfriending him is too scary….then you need to stop looking at his page.
You are worthy to be loved by someone who wants to be in a relationship with you….right this moment, that is not your ex.
Sky…I feel for you…I really do…..and I so recognize the concern regarding his silence and desire for contact. As hard as this is…you need to focus on you for a bit. Let him experience your silence. Let him wonder about you instead of you always being there for him. Use this time to really get clear about what you need in a relationship. Take those legitamite needs off of him and see where you can get them met. Perhaps through friends, through your faith, perhaps through giving back. No one person can meet all our needs…regardless of how we center our whole world around them. Claim your value independent of him. And here is the hard part…forgive him for being human and not being there for you the way you were for him. That way you do not build up resentment for what he could not give you.
He may not want the relationship back…..that isn’t a reflection on you (although I suspect in your head and heart it will feel like it is) or you value as a person. All it says is he and you were not a good fit for now.
Just a little nugget for you to consider…for women…love is it. It is what we crave and because we crave it….we think that is what men need and then we don’t understand why they aren’t more grateful when we tell them we love them. Men actually need respect more than love. It’s why they are such great protectors and providers. Look for ways that a man respects you and oftentimes…that is how he shows love. Look for ways to appreciate and admire a man in addition to loving him.
@mr the ex….I spoke to a good friend and she said the same thing….to wait on seeing him until I can look upon him as just a friend. And she also agreed that it would likely take a lot longer. So for now I am going to continue to work on healing myself.
Hey Patricia
I did not say that I would not take your suggestions..and even I am caught off guard by how long this process is taking….but what I don’t want to have happen is to “act” like I don’t have feelings and then find myself in a worse place after I see him. So I have reached out to a friend of mine to get her perspective on things. I agree that when I do see him…it should be with no expectations for anything beyond friendship….and you are right that I just don’t know what the future holds…I just want to make sure that I am ready for anything. I do value and appreciate the advice you give.
Hey Patricia…remember when I sent him that encouraging email a while ago….he responded that he quit his job and was focusing on completing his study for the A+ exam (he had that certification before but had let it expire) and would then look for an IT position. At the end of that email he said he hoped that in the not too distant future he could join me at our singles group or Bible Study. I responded to that email that I knew he would succeed (meaning with his work plans), but pirposely did not respond regarding his comment about joining me at our singles community or Bible Study specifically because I figured he wanted to join me only as a friend. When we were dating, he stopped attending the community and bible study due to his job (he had to work most weekends). But even when he did not work on a Sunday, he did not attend our community…so I did not think it was a big deal to ask when he split up with me to not attend either since I am in leadership in that community. I have truly mixed feelings about this (having him come back) if I am honest. I don’t want to keep him from seeing the friends he formed in the singles group or missing out on community…but I also know that I am not over him and am still healing. So I thought that as a compromise…I would offer that he could go to the bible study and I would go to the community group. That way he can still be part of the group and I can continue my healing work. It is hard to let go of hope of getting back together and admit that a friendship right now isn’t feasible.
This break up in many ways has been the hardest, even though the relationship for me was the shortest. Still, I have to be true to myself and what I need and I can tell that I need more time. I still love him and I truly want the best for him…I had just hoped that that would have been me. Thanks for all your help.
Hey there Richbeauty..your guy sounds a bit like my ex….after an initial rush of initiated texted, his slowed down dramatically as well. I remember wondering if he was losing interest and I used to obsess over the quantity of his texts. We also spent a majority of time cuddling and watching Netflix….occasionally we would go out, but he would get off work late and wanted to “chill”. The point is, I used to try to be understanding when internally I was dealing with a lot of fear. Some of it stemmed from what I thought a relationship should look like, or comparing my relationship to my friends or the myriad of dating advice that is out there that says if he is into you, he will contact you a lot. You have to decide if the level of time you spend together and how much time you are in contact while apart is enough. Since you have been seeing each other 4 months, I don’t think there is anything wrong with saying…”I am really enjoying our time together, but I wanted to check in with you and validate that we are on the same page regarding what this is.” Then you can speak to what you think the relationship is and see if that jives with his perception. That is way more important than number of text messages and provides you with better “data” on whether you are tracking with each other or not (which is likely at the root of why you are concerned about the text messages…you want to ensure he is as into you as you are into him, which is a legitimate concern).
I am no expert…..but you sound like you have an anxious attachment style and he has an avoidant one…so you want more closeness and intimacy and he wants less….that is why he keeps coming up with reasons why he can’t commit to you. He wants you in his life…just on his terms. If that isn’t ok with you…then I would look at dating other guys who want to commit to you versus giving you mixed signals.
Hey Patricia…he is back from his trip with his family. We haven’t set a date to exchange keys and sleeping bag. I reread his email and he was basically asking for prayer and thanking me in advance for praying for him. I don’t really see anything other than friendship on the horizon. I wanted to believe in the possibility of another chance, but it is firmly in God’s hands. As it stands, I am trying to focus on myself and the healing that needs to happen within me. I will be mindful of your advice to not come across too motherly or as a spiritual counsellor. I really want to be a friend.
Hey Patricia…so I received an email today….basically he was telling me some things about his life and he thanked me for my prayers and told me that I was a blessing. I responded with some encouragement and reminded him that Jesus is with him in all his circumstances. I am happy and at peace with this outcome as it means that I can still provide encouragement as he needs it and we can resume our friendship. I am still working on internal matters and letting the romantic relationship go. I thank you and others for your sound advice. 🙂
So…as it turns out….He took a different sleeping bag with him and is currently on vacation with his family. His latest text said that sometime after he gets back when everything is cool he would get the sleeping bag and drop off my keys. I had hoped after he had said that he missed me a lot that we would reconnect and see…but I can see now that he wants to end it with no ties. It is probably better this way….I have my answer….but I am more than a bit sad.
Based on your previous posts and Patricia’s previous responses…I would say it is time to move on. That is likely not what you want to hear, but it seems that rebuilding attraction is going to be difficult at best.
Patricia…this is what I originally sent him. The reason I have been dwelling on it is that I am not sure how it came across to him. I am still hopeful that I will hear from him at some point.
Email message:
I want you to know that I still love you..and I miss you also….but I need more time to process this through. I appreciate your prayers and thoughts and have been praying for you as well.
I would ask that you not respond or send me any texts for at least 30 days.
You matter to me.
Cyber hugs
Hey Patricia..it is a sleeping bag that he used last year for camping with his family. We never made arrangements for him to get it and I thought it was odd that he left it behind (but I also took it as a good sign). The annual trip is coming up. If I don’t hear from him by the end of the week..I will text him and ask.
As far as the window of opportunity….I am just having more regret about the email I sent. I wish I had maintained no contact when he told me he missed me or had responded in a general way. I am losing hope and that stinks.
Hey Patricia….so I am a bit confused with whether I should initiate contact since I am the one who asked for at least 30 days or whether I should just wait on him to contact me. Also, it has been challenging not to think of him as already moved on and that I “missed” my window of opportunity (just owning it for what it is). It is now almost 2.5 months since he broke up with me. I still think about him daily.
So just an update….I decided in the end not to give the item to a mutual friend and instead continue making movement towards friendship. Today I went out with friends and posted pictures from the event (just sky shots) and my ex liked one of the photos. I guess my request for no contact did not extend is his eyes to FB. How I wanted that like to mean so much more…sigh.
