KikiAsakura

Just thought I’d do a little update here. I ended up feeling self destructive towards myself about a week ago and decided to change on of my frequent social media tabs to a deleted user (without actually deleting my social media account). I felt like this was much needed because I was having difficulties with some of my friends telling me I needed to move on right away and cut my ex out of my life altogether. I had not contacted my ex since the breakup, and it had been less than two weeks when some of my friends were being mean to me. I felt like I needed to shut off social media and not be tempted to go keep checking back in. So by doing so, I spent three days in that “deleted user” state and ended up barely touching my phone. It was a bit hard, but I felt like my head had become clearer with less people coming at me, telling me what I should do.

Now during this period, my ex reached out and messaged me. He said that he was really concerned for me and cares a lot about me. He was worried that I’d do something harmful to myself during this period as I cut off everyone and didn’t tell anyone where I was going or what I was doing. He mentioned that he missed me and he wished his feelings didn’t change. He missed talking to me, missed being with me and feeling how he did. He wished he could have me in his life as a friend at the very least or just know that I was okay. I thought about what the EBP book and some e-mails I received and just briefly reached out to him. I thanked him for his message and said that I needed to do some thinking on my own so I changed my user name. I then just followed the advice of saying that I am still hurting from the breakup and need to give both of us space and when I felt like I could, I would reach out as a friend to him again. I asked him to be understanding of this and he didn’t reply back, to which I feel was his way of understanding.

Over the weekend, we were both playing the same game (but not in contact with each other just in the same game at the same time). I got a bit obsessive and asked a mutual friend to check what he was doing. When he told me that he saw my ex flirting with some other girl, I broke down immediately. I started to panic and hate myself and felt like it was all my fault this happened. I’ve been very confused and trying to work through the AHW and reading the book while working on myself through this. But I just am confused as to what these nine months meant to him and if it was meaningful at all. One of my other mutual friends said that it would be a good idea to unfriend him from all social media until I felt okay. I went ahead and did that but it was very difficult. I cried a lot and I felt angry at my friend. He’s able to talk to my ex and hang out with him and be okay with him moving on and I honestly feel hurt and jealous towards him. I know it’s unfair of me to feel that way. I want my ex to be happy. I just feel like I was never good enough for him. And I just keep wondering about all the unleft things that happened between us. My anxiety has been pretty bad since the weekend and I have been feeling really confused and overwhelmed with my emotions. It’s like going through a breakup all over again by cutting off ties with him.

Am I doing a goos thing by unfriending my ex during this time period? Should I unfriend our mutual friend who I’m jealous of? He’s a nice guy and helps me through a lot, but I know that when I go through my anxiety/panic attacks and I try to talk to him, he kind of ignores me too. He’s younger so I understand it might be a lot for him to deal with, but I feel hurt when I feel ignored. I don’t know what to do.

On a side note, I started to work out. Tomorrow I will be heading back home from vacation so I can start working and saving to get my own place. I will continue to make therapy appointments for myself too.

If anyone else has more input, please feel free to leave messages. It’s almost been a week now since the breakup and I still feel the same way. I have been doing some self care right now by getting my hair done and going to the beach. I’ve been spending time with family as well. I have moments where things start to feel a little less, the hurt goes away for a moment. I still miss him and have continued no contact. I think I truly understand the phrase “distance makes the heart grow fonder” as he comes into my mind a lot. I do try to be in the moment as much as I can though and think about healing myself.