gcp327

omg @Ms-Marple your post made me cry. we broke up 12/3 and were nc until yesterday morning when i replied to an email he sent me on the 8th day of nc. (today would have been nc day 11) i replied because his email made it seem he wanted to get back together, but wasnt sure the problems we have could be resolved, and so he wasnt saying it directly. i felt good after replying back, kept my response short and positive, but since then i have been a hot mess. i havent heard back since i replied, except for the automated email saying he was out of the country without access to email, and he has also deactivated his facebook. i did the same today, it reminds me too much of him.
anyway, about your post, i have the same wave of panic with the sadness and fear when i think of my ex, and your post really struck a chord with me. i have been trying to avoid how i feel for so long, that now when im alone and forced to experience them, i often dont know how or i question if im proceeding in the right way. i was doing ok focusing on myself until his email came to me, i think because i was still in shock, expecting to talk to him again at some point, foolishly. since then im a complete mess i think of him all day long and miss him constantly, it takes everything out of me not to reach out to him, but i try to find the power within to stop me, telling myself nothing good will come from it, i wont feel better after having reached out, and it wont change anything, we are broken up, as much and as painful as that is to accept.
I also took a happiness course where for a few hours we had to sit in silence, nothing compared to your course, but similar, it forced me to feel what i was feeling and it was so long ago that since i took it, ive gotten lost in the business of daily life to remember that life is always worse if you don’t ever stop to feel your emotions and release them. i’m realizing how important it is to listen to myself instead of always trying to bend for him, and there were a lot of shitty things he did to me, but i loved him still. i know, no one knows the future, but i go back and forth between wanting him back and thinking i may be better off alone, and today was especially hard for me, because i finally faced the thought that we may never have another interaction, i may never see his face or hear his voice or admire him again in this lifetime and the permanence of that just hit me like a ton of bricks. i couldnt keep it together at that point, the tears just wouldnt stop. it is so hard to be at this emotional place, neither here nor there, neither satisfied in a relationship, nor completely moved on and ready for the next chapter of the future.

and so, todays emotion is definately sadness, and i hope i have been able to follow the rules above, lol.

good luck to everyone.