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Day 9 of NC
This morning I am experiencing a new feeling, I am not sure if it’s normal at this stage.
Anger. I am angry with myself, I am angry with her.
I am mad with myself because I am in this limbo between hell and salvation and I don’t know how long I will be in there. I admitted my faults in the relationship, I started actions to change myself and yes I should be happy because I am doing it for me, but…that’s not enough.
I am mad with her because denying that the person you’ve been together for almost 4 years doesn’t exist, is beyond cruelty. It’s been 35 days since I’ve heard from her and not a single word, not a single one.
I hate these mood swings, I hate to feel fine in a moment and like crap in the next one.
If you ask me what you think of her coming back to me, well I’d tell you she’s never coming back to me, because she doesn’t care, she is enjoying her life and laughing at how ridiculous she was for even being with me. With a new fabulous, wonderful guy.

Day 8 of NC.
Last weekend was very emotional and I had a big breakdown in front of my best friend, she got worried. I am not a believer and yesterday I found myself praying, asking for help, asking for her to come back to me. But it doesn’t work like that.
So I slept on it and this morning I felt truly inspired in positive. I listed down things I wanna change/improve in my life, included my career and I mean to pursue them.
This week is going to be very challenging with all these new goals to start and with my ex anniversary appraoching. I will stay as strong as possible. Let’s see how it goes.

Hello everyone,
this is my first post on the site. It was great to find a place where to share experiences, feelings and especially not to feel alone in this situation.

I’m on my 5th day of NC and my girlfriend dumped me on 12th October. She stopped any contact just a few days after. As you can guess, I’m at Death’s Door stage because she has been pretty drastic: she has changed her number, she’s blocked me definitively on any social network site, IM etc..
She’s been living in another country (where she was born) since the beginning of September, to spend time with her mother and concentrate on preparing her final thesis. She’s coming back supposedly between next Febraury-March because of her graduation.
On 27th November, we would have celebrated our 4 year anniversary. Our relationship hasn’t been easy, it’s mainly my fault, because I’ve made several mistakes I regret every day of my life but we have always worked things out to improve, we have always relied on eachothers no matter what, because our love was true and deep.
We have been so happy together, I have been in other long term relationships before her but I had never been as much optimistic about future as I’ve been with her instead, I was really convinced we would have settled down forever.
The previous relationship I had before my ex came, had been really devastating on me, on my psychological balance and it had left multiple scars inside that have changed me. I’ve seeked professional help in fact, but results has been debatable. This has influenced in fact my relationship with my ex, I’ve tried to make her understand why I’ve had specific behaviours that I was working on overcoming, she did until she’s got tired of it I guess. Angry of it too, because in the end, she just became utterly bitter and mean toward me, toward the whole relationship we’ve had.
On the first week after we broke up, I was confused and still was trying to realize if it was really over or not. Of course I acted like many of us spontaneously do: trying to call her all the time, sending her pathetic and needy emails,I did what I could with my limited options because she’s far away and unreachable. I even offered to visit on December to talk face to face but she said she didn’t want to see me at all.
As desperate as I was, one night I got myself totally wasted and drove drunk back home. I did want to just speed up and crash into a wall, but fortunately a friend dissuaded me from doing such an idiotic thing. The next day, terrorist attacks happened in Paris and I was totally shocked and moved by it. I’ve read and heard so many stories that have made me ponder on my situation and how my problem and my pain are insignificant compared to the victim’s relatives and friends. I tried to imagine how it must feel to lose a wife, a girlfriend that way, how your life is suddenly broken and you couldn’t do anything to prevent it. That night I decided to write her a long email, it was different, it was a declaration of love and care, inspired by the sentiments for that tragedy. Her life is more precious than anything else in the world, whether we are together or not, I would always like her to be safe. And I wondered if she felt the same way thinking of these events, I am sure she has watched what happened. If she hasn’t replied or sent an email, it really means she does not feel the same, that my existence, my well being is not relevant anymore. This hit me hard.
On Sunday I wrote my final email, where I said I would not attempt at making contact anymore and left a door open if she wanted to return, but if that won’t be the case, I will move on. Then I started my NC period and damn it’s so so. I am very unstable right now, my mood is totally unpredictable. In some moments I feel fine and positive, I don’t think about her, but in others I find myself on the verge of crying, like in the shower, or at night where all thoughts gather and it’s diffucult to fall asleep.
I miss her like hell, it’s a void you can’t fill up. Believe me, I’m busy enough with my work, I go out with friends and I go to the gym, I haven’t stopped living but it’s not the same, I don’t seem to enjoy anything anymore, and if I don’t it’s just temporary.
I know there are girls who want to date me, I am not really interested in sleeping around right now, I do feel lonely but one night stands or short flings don’t relieve the sorrow trust me.
My ex is a person who needs attention constantly and this makes me seriously suspicious that she’s not seeing anyone else. I suspect she kept a guy in line before she broke up with me and there are some elements to consider. I am not a Facebook fan but she has a profile, I used to check it just a few times, never really cared much. After we split, I admitted I’ve been doing it more frequently and I’ve noticed this one guy (a good friend of her) he’s been posting motivational stuff about happiness and all, she has been writing quotes referring to him as well. Her relationship status is hidden but what a coincidence! The status on his Facebook page changed into “in a relationship” just on 13th October which is exactly the day after she dumped me. Is it a big coincidence uh?
Anyway, even if she has an affair with this guy, I keep being cool, because he’s not me. Of course I am jealous but nothing I can do now, if it’s a rebound relationship or not, we will see in time.
What I wish the most, is for me to be happy again, with or without her. After the 30 days of NC, I will decide where to head to. I won’t lie saying I want her back more than anything, but I gotta find closure, I gotta live my life.
I end my long entry with a Gibrain’s quote: “If you love somebody, let them go, for if they return, they were always yours. If they don’t, they never were”.

Good luck to everyone and let’s be strong.