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She is working remotely from home, as am I.
I am not sure about the timing yet. I might wait until 30+ days have elapsed before pulling the trigger (sometime in the next 1-2 weeks).
I definitely feel better – I felt like I was numbly going through the motions before the breakup, but this process was a wakeup call that felt like my face got splashed with ice cold water. Obviously the first 2 weeks after were very tough with all of the emotions rushing in for the first time in a while, but talking to friends and reading a bunch of online advice has helped calm me down. I have also taken up meditation to learn how to be more compassionate towards myself and others in the meantime to manage my emotions.
Not for the forseeable future due to COVID.
We weren’t – we were only seeing each other on the weekends for the longest times (1-3 times per week). However we spent a 4 day weekend together on an anniversary trip in February, which combined with the rest of the month where she was no longer traveling helped improve the intimacy of our relationship. Unfortunately this momentum was killed by me suffering burnout from work in June at the end of our 3.5 month COVID long distance.
Domesticated in that we can spend everyday together doing random stuff. It wasn’t because we couldn’t – it was mostly because it was hard to find the time because of her work schedule. We would either spend a chill night on the weekends in, I’d take her out, we’d join friends for roadtrips, or occasionally do something during the day. It was starting to feel more and more normal before culminating in our anniversary trip in February, where it really felt like something I could do for the rest of my life.
We had a very calm relationship. Both of us are relatively laid back and not super confrontational. Clearly she had resentments or issues that she never explicitly communicated (maybe she subtly hinted at it, but I lacked the experience to read between the lines). But we never called each other names or curse words. Our only fight in 16 months was her being insecure and questioning if I really loved her in month ~6, but that was something I was able to talk her through. No other conflict or tension from her during the relationship at all.
She is working in NYC after graduating college, as am I. I am 26 and she is 24. I am not sure if I will be going to grad school yet – I am planning on applying, and depending on where / if I get in, I may or may not go. But I had told her most of the schools I was looking at were all relatively close by – either in NYC, Boston, Philly or Chicago. I see the breakup as a wake up call for me to get my sh*t together, and if we come out of it intact, it will provide the resiliency for us to survive long distance in grad school.
How would you even approach her after two months? Obviously starting with texts to ask her to catch up. Beyond that, advice I have received and read mostly involve being very laid back and avoiding any talk about the relationship when we meet. Some other people have said to fully owe up to my mistakes after getting comfortable with each other and be completely transparent about where I went wrong, and how I have changed. Obviously the advice on this website suggests a casual first date before considering initiating these heavier / touchy topics, unless she brings it up first. Should I lay it all out on the table and be entirely genuine + remorseful during the first in-person meeting – in case I don’t get a second chance or she thinks I am trying to deceive her without really changing?
thanks again for your kind words!
Thanks for your feedback and support! 🙂
My impression at this point as I have had more time to reflect is to take longer to reach out (2-3 months post breakup) just to make sure I have had time to grow and improve as a person (better at managing time and stress, less selfish / more considerate) and that I can actually handle rejection and anger. I admit that I was a pretty crappy boyfriend when it came to results, not intentions, and that’s something I need to be more conscious of going forward, not just with my partner, but with everyone in my life (friends + family).
Her parents are in North Carolina and hate New York city haha. They never visited and there was never an opportunity for me to fly down to North Carolina. This opportunity came about because they drove her up to avoid flying during COVID. She had met my parents last fall, and I actually was thinking of inviting her over for Thanksgiving this year.
When I say next step, I just meant getting to that point where we feel like a domesticated couple. I think we previously didn’t spend enough quality time together consecutively to fully get there yet due to her traveling schedule of Monday thru thursday night. There is also a chance that I go to grad school next year. The “next step” was in a way something in my mind where I felt like I could finally commit to a 2 year long distance relationship with her if grad school was in the books. I was planning to talk to her about it at some point this fall during the grad school application process, but obviously never got the chance.
I do think of the breakup as a good thing in that it allowed us to understand what was going wrong. I obviously wished that she had the courage to get this cathartic release via a fight while we were still in the relationship, but it is what it is. If we get back together, I’m confident that I know what I need to do, but obviously it will be up to her given her own views and past emotional baggage related to second chances.
My inexperience also meant I just didn’t realize where the relationship should have been going after a year. For me, it was always a question of is it improving from the previous month, but clearly we were not where we should have been. She also never fought with me / maybe I should have been a better active listener so I never received any pushback on how to be a better boyfriend.
She was looking for affection in certain ways (acts of service love language) which I was not going above and beyond in providing due to her travel schedule of being out 4 days a week. I didn’t know what love languages were and mostly provided affection in the form of quality time together and nice gifts for occasions. In hindsight, I could have made more time for her on the weekends but her routine made it tough since I essentially lived a dual life whenever she was not around during the week. It makes me question exactly how strong she felt our connection was – maybe it was my fault in holding us back whenever we were not meeting face to face?
Her reasons:
She was putting in more effort – calling me more than I call her. I’m personally more of a texted so didn’t realize how big of a deal this was due to inexperience. I also personally don’t keep score in relationships with friends, but maybe I should have been more aware.
I seemed to only be there for her when it was convenient for me. The problem is that we only had friday thru Sunday nights together pre covid and I have stuff going on during the weekends that sometimes I can’t move. I would hang out with her friends sometimes but she never said she felt like I wasn’t trying hard enough.
I’m not as emotionally open as she is – this is due to experience. This was my first time opening up to someone ever like this and took me a bit longer to get comfortable, since we were not seeing each other in person as much even after 6-12 months of dating. She said a few times that I’m hard to read, but I’m just a calm and collected person. She said this meant we were incompatible.
I neglected her the last few weeks – work from home stress gave me tunnel vision and made me absent minded. She felt like I should have been more excited to see her after 4 months but to be honest with my mental health suffering I felt happy but didn’t initiate more contact due to just being tired. This was my fault.
The more I think about it, the I think this was due to not enough time spent together in person. Had Covid not happened, our relationship was in a place during February where we were going to take the next step. But then we got forced into a 4 month long distance relationship which combined with stress for me made it super tough. It’s just unfortunate how it all played out.
