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I’m 26, she is 24, and we had been dating for ~1.5 years (mostly weekends due to her work travel schedule). Broke up about a month ago and NC for ~24 days now, and as I approach 30+ days of NC I wanted to get some external feedback on my chances / approach to this.
This was my first relationship. I had no understanding of what healthy boundaries are as well as how a serious bf should treat their partner in showing affection (e.g., love language). My gf may also have been a bit conflict avoidant, since we fought 1 time in our entire relationship. Up until we were forced into long distance due to COVID, the relationship seemed to take the next level as we took an anniversary trip in February. However, as my work from home became super stressful and I felt the mental health effect of being isolated at home with just my parents, I became a bit more distant / took her for granted in June and July. When she came back to the city, I met her parents the first night, but did not meet up with her until the following weekend due to tunnel vision from stress. That was when she broke up with me – citing my lack of effort in the relationship, incompatibilities between us in how we show emotion, me potentially going to grad school in a year, and how she was very mad at me for not being more excited to see her after 4 months. I was too shocked to say much besides that I still loved her and wished she would reconsider, and she quickly walked away after.
I reached out a week after, since she offered another chance to chat once our emotions have calmed down a bit, and clarified a few things. First, she thought I was about to break up with her, which was the furthest thing from the truth. Second, I let her know that a lot of what she cited was my inexperience with relationships, and the fact that she never communicated certain expectations to me meant that i could never meet them. (for example, I learned about love languages from her a year into our relationship). I told her exactly how I feel about her, and proposed us taking some time apart to think through how we can make our relationship better using improved communication, trust, respect and more quality time spent together. She told me that she had made her mind and her decision was final, since she didn’t think she could be in a situation where she had to see if a guy really changed or not. Each time I mentioned things I could do better, she told me to apply that to the next girl I am with. She asked about a potential path to friendship down the road after we both have healed, but I told her that I didn’t know if that was possible and only time could tell. After the end of the convo, I told her that I respected her decision, and thanked her for the good times we had.
Since then, we’ve had no contact, but the lines of communication (text, social media) are still open. She has also kept pictures of us on instagram still up as well. I have also done a lot of self reflection and realized a lot of my mistakes were from ignorance / inexperience / immaturity as well as my family upbringing as an only child. It took me longer to open up to her than maybe she wanted, which probably made her less comfortable communicating certain problems to me. I realize now with more context the things I should have done better in hindsight, and feel like a healthy relationship is possible if I put in the legwork to give her the affection she needs. If she turns me down, it won’t be the end of the world since there is a good chance I will be off to grad school in a year-ish time, which will naturally aid the moving on process if I am off to bigger and better things.
Is this situation something that is salvageable? My plan was to wait another 1-3 weeks before reaching out with an elephant in the room email. While this time my apology will be more genuine and specific than what I expressed in the follow-up conversation since I have had more time to reflect with a calm head, will it still be helpful given we already had a “closure conversation” a week after the breakup?
@dundermifflin People in love “naturally” give, receive, and return physical affection. No experience needed! Trust and respect are automatic in a good relationship! Words of love are important to both women and men, but maybe to different degrees depending on the person. And yet after a year and 1/2, it seems you would’ve learned what she likes and appreciates..
You wrote:”I let her know that a lot of what she cited was my inexperience with relationships”. What exactly/specifically did she list as to her reasons for the breakup?
Apparently she broke up with you about 3 weeks ago, so waiting another week or so before you send the elephant in the room email is a good idea. It will give both of you time to calm down and think more rationally and maybe time for her to miss you. However, there’s no guarantee she will change her mind..
You sound like a kind and logical thinking person and I hope she understands that even if she doesn’t want to reunite as a couple.
Good luck:)
She was looking for affection in certain ways (acts of service love language) which I was not going above and beyond in providing due to her travel schedule of being out 4 days a week. I didn’t know what love languages were and mostly provided affection in the form of quality time together and nice gifts for occasions. In hindsight, I could have made more time for her on the weekends but her routine made it tough since I essentially lived a dual life whenever she was not around during the week. It makes me question exactly how strong she felt our connection was – maybe it was my fault in holding us back whenever we were not meeting face to face?
Her reasons:
She was putting in more effort – calling me more than I call her. I’m personally more of a texted so didn’t realize how big of a deal this was due to inexperience. I also personally don’t keep score in relationships with friends, but maybe I should have been more aware.
I seemed to only be there for her when it was convenient for me. The problem is that we only had friday thru Sunday nights together pre covid and I have stuff going on during the weekends that sometimes I can’t move. I would hang out with her friends sometimes but she never said she felt like I wasn’t trying hard enough.
I’m not as emotionally open as she is – this is due to experience. This was my first time opening up to someone ever like this and took me a bit longer to get comfortable, since we were not seeing each other in person as much even after 6-12 months of dating. She said a few times that I’m hard to read, but I’m just a calm and collected person. She said this meant we were incompatible.
I neglected her the last few weeks – work from home stress gave me tunnel vision and made me absent minded. She felt like I should have been more excited to see her after 4 months but to be honest with my mental health suffering I felt happy but didn’t initiate more contact due to just being tired. This was my fault.
The more I think about it, the I think this was due to not enough time spent together in person. Had Covid not happened, our relationship was in a place during February where we were going to take the next step. But then we got forced into a 4 month long distance relationship which combined with stress for me made it super tough. It’s just unfortunate how it all played out.
My inexperience also meant I just didn’t realize where the relationship should have been going after a year. For me, it was always a question of is it improving from the previous month, but clearly we were not where we should have been. She also never fought with me / maybe I should have been a better active listener so I never received any pushback on how to be a better boyfriend.
@dundermifflin This is a very sad story and I know you’re heart-broken. But don’t give up hope, okay? Going by all you’ve written here, I know you had good intentions by trying to be a good boyfriend and yet didn’t know exactly how to please her and make her happy. Now that you know more of what she wants/desires, I’m sure you will put in the effort to try and create a better relationship in the future. But, don’t try to talk her into reconciliation immediately. Go slowly and let things happen naturally over time like in the beginning when you two first started dating. If she agrees to sometimes see you in person, she will be able to see the good changes for herself and it will most likely re-ignite her feelings for you. This could be done by phone calls, but better in person.
I’m curious as to why you didn’t meet her parents until recently?
You wrote:”our relationship was in a place during February where we were going to take the next step”. What does that mean? Engagement or what?
FYI; loving couples share every thought and dream.. They think of each other as best friend and confidante. When there are differences of opinion about something, they calmly discuss it and reach a compromise if necessary. If you’re concerned or confused about something, talk with her about it.
In a certain way, you could think of this breakup as a good thing. If you make the changes and it makes you both happier, and if you both agree (at some point) to giving the relationship another chance, it will solidify your love for each other.. Whereas previous to this, something like a relationship would’ve been a mistake since neither of you were truly happy.
The COVID-19 lock-downs have been rough on everyone. Do whatever you have to do so as not to become depressed. Hobbies, chatting with family and friends etc.. Take it one day at a time knowing this won’t last forever.
Wishing you the best, no matter what happens:)
Thanks for your feedback and support! 🙂
My impression at this point as I have had more time to reflect is to take longer to reach out (2-3 months post breakup) just to make sure I have had time to grow and improve as a person (better at managing time and stress, less selfish / more considerate) and that I can actually handle rejection and anger. I admit that I was a pretty crappy boyfriend when it came to results, not intentions, and that’s something I need to be more conscious of going forward, not just with my partner, but with everyone in my life (friends + family).
Her parents are in North Carolina and hate New York city haha. They never visited and there was never an opportunity for me to fly down to North Carolina. This opportunity came about because they drove her up to avoid flying during COVID. She had met my parents last fall, and I actually was thinking of inviting her over for Thanksgiving this year.
When I say next step, I just meant getting to that point where we feel like a domesticated couple. I think we previously didn’t spend enough quality time together consecutively to fully get there yet due to her traveling schedule of Monday thru thursday night. There is also a chance that I go to grad school next year. The “next step” was in a way something in my mind where I felt like I could finally commit to a 2 year long distance relationship with her if grad school was in the books. I was planning to talk to her about it at some point this fall during the grad school application process, but obviously never got the chance.
I do think of the breakup as a good thing in that it allowed us to understand what was going wrong. I obviously wished that she had the courage to get this cathartic release via a fight while we were still in the relationship, but it is what it is. If we get back together, I’m confident that I know what I need to do, but obviously it will be up to her given her own views and past emotional baggage related to second chances.
@dundermifflin Maybe 2 months from breakup would be better than 3. Apparently you weren’t very emotionally close and didn’t give her the time and attention she wanted/deserved as a girlfriend. So if you stay no contact for a long period of time, it will probably cement her thoughts about you not loving or caring enough about her.
You wrote:”I just meant getting to that point where we feel like a domesticated couple”. By domesticated, do you mean live together?
You also wrote:”I obviously wished that she had the courage to get this cathartic release via a fight while we were still in the relationship”. Well, ‘fighting’ isn’t good, but a relationship wherein you both felt comfortable enough to have honest/open/calm conversations would have been nice. For future reference; never shout, name call, ridicule, swear, and etc. Both of you staying calm + respectful is the key to good communication so as to avoid anger, hurt feelings, and resentments. You two should discuss and agree to this strategy before you fully reconcile.
If her parents are in North Carolina, why is she in New York?
Where are you going to grad school? How far apart will you be? I must tell you that long distant relationship are difficult to maintain and 2 years is a long time to be apart (even if there are occasional visits home)! There must be a very strong emotional loving bond in order for it to work..
Yes, it’s up to her whether or not you get back together, but hopefully she will listen to reason and give you a 2nd chance and not judge you based on prior experiences.
Take care and stay safe:)
Domesticated in that we can spend everyday together doing random stuff. It wasn’t because we couldn’t – it was mostly because it was hard to find the time because of her work schedule. We would either spend a chill night on the weekends in, I’d take her out, we’d join friends for roadtrips, or occasionally do something during the day. It was starting to feel more and more normal before culminating in our anniversary trip in February, where it really felt like something I could do for the rest of my life.
We had a very calm relationship. Both of us are relatively laid back and not super confrontational. Clearly she had resentments or issues that she never explicitly communicated (maybe she subtly hinted at it, but I lacked the experience to read between the lines). But we never called each other names or curse words. Our only fight in 16 months was her being insecure and questioning if I really loved her in month ~6, but that was something I was able to talk her through. No other conflict or tension from her during the relationship at all.
She is working in NYC after graduating college, as am I. I am 26 and she is 24. I am not sure if I will be going to grad school yet – I am planning on applying, and depending on where / if I get in, I may or may not go. But I had told her most of the schools I was looking at were all relatively close by – either in NYC, Boston, Philly or Chicago. I see the breakup as a wake up call for me to get my sh*t together, and if we come out of it intact, it will provide the resiliency for us to survive long distance in grad school.
How would you even approach her after two months? Obviously starting with texts to ask her to catch up. Beyond that, advice I have received and read mostly involve being very laid back and avoiding any talk about the relationship when we meet. Some other people have said to fully owe up to my mistakes after getting comfortable with each other and be completely transparent about where I went wrong, and how I have changed. Obviously the advice on this website suggests a casual first date before considering initiating these heavier / touchy topics, unless she brings it up first. Should I lay it all out on the table and be entirely genuine + remorseful during the first in-person meeting – in case I don’t get a second chance or she thinks I am trying to deceive her without really changing?
thanks again for your kind words!
@dundermifflin How could you spend everyday together when she was traveling?
She already knows how you feel and that you’re trying to make changes. And the elephant in the room email you plan on sending soon will explain things in more detail.
Your first contact after that should be a casual message asking how she’s doing. You could also ask for a meetup and if she agrees, do something fun together and follow her lead as to what to talk about. But don’t ask about reconciliation or the steps needed to accomplish it on the first few times you see each other. That would be pressuring her to make a decision. She probably needs more time to consider everything you’ve already told her and the content of the elephant in the room email..
We weren’t – we were only seeing each other on the weekends for the longest times (1-3 times per week). However we spent a 4 day weekend together on an anniversary trip in February, which combined with the rest of the month where she was no longer traveling helped improve the intimacy of our relationship. Unfortunately this momentum was killed by me suffering burnout from work in June at the end of our 3.5 month COVID long distance.
@dundermifflin Will she still be traveling 4 days a week? Is it a permanent thing with her work?
Not for the forseeable future due to COVID.
@dundermifflin Is she working remotely from home? When are you going to send the elephant in the room letter/email? Are you feeling better regarding depression/burnout?
She is working remotely from home, as am I.
I am not sure about the timing yet. I might wait until 30+ days have elapsed before pulling the trigger (sometime in the next 1-2 weeks).
I definitely feel better – I felt like I was numbly going through the motions before the breakup, but this process was a wakeup call that felt like my face got splashed with ice cold water. Obviously the first 2 weeks after were very tough with all of the emotions rushing in for the first time in a while, but talking to friends and reading a bunch of online advice has helped calm me down. I have also taken up meditation to learn how to be more compassionate towards myself and others in the meantime to manage my emotions.
@dundermifflin I’m glad your emotional feelings have stabilized:)
Okay, let us know of any updates and/or the response to your elephant letter.
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