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I guess my reasoning for NC indefinitely was because LC so far has been pretty ineffective. I guess my thoughts were that cutting her off from my attention completely would help bring about a realization in her faster. Idk. Maybe it’s not a good idea. I’ll probably go NC for a little while and play things by ear.
Thanks for the input!
There wasn’t really anything that caused the feelings. I think it was (like you said) just one of those times a relationship has a down time. They were on their way out but she just thought it meant it was over and she quit.
Also what do you mean “LC to spark some curiosity”? What’s LC?
I’m probably going to do NC indefinitely and wait for her to reach out. Only then will I be sure to give her all the time needed to miss me and realize she messed up by ending things.
I think the main reason for the breakup was that we were going through this rough patch at the end of the summer. We were both feeling really distant and maybe like the connection wasn’t there anymore.
I realized that it was just one of those tests cause by distance. I was like “of course I love this girl!” So i decided to put those feelings aside and try to meet her halfway. She gave in to those feelings and quit. :/
I definitely already have made positive changes during this time and the initial NC period after the breakup. I’ll continue to do so.
Yes we are still long distance. We’re in college and go to schools in different states. I applied to her school as a transfer to try and close the gap but she broke things off before I even found out.
What kind of things do you think I need to do? Unfortunately we just had a big passionate argument that culminated in a decision to not talk to eachother again for an indefinite amount of time. If she does still have feelings for me, would just committing to NC and letting her miss me make her realize that this nee guy is just a place holder and she’s trying to fill a hole in her heart
Good. Basically realized I need to stop hoping something will happen. That’s putting my happiness in her hands. I need to take back the control I ceded to her. Essentially, I realized I needed to move on. If (in the future) she comes around like I think she could, then great. We’ll play from there. But for now I’m getting myself back to making myself happy and doing things for me.
What I mean by acute separation anxiety is a bout of separation anxiety that is brought on by a specific event. In this case, her coming here and spending a weekend with me and then going home. This is in contrast to general separation anxiety that is a result of us being apart.
We also had a heart-to-heart before deciding to give each other more space. The relationship ended and I went straight into NC. So I didn’t really get a good explanation. She said that it wasn’t because she no longer loved me, but because the distance was too hard and she was too upset. During this talk, she said she just said that to soften the blow.
As I mentioned earlier, she flew up to Virginia from Florida to go to a concert with me (one of our favorite bands). She said she had a great time and I know she did. I could tell. When I dropped her off at the airport, she was upset like usual and crying. I know this girl still loves me… But she said “Once I got home, I just got this overwhelming feeling that the spark just wasn’t there anymore.”
To me, this doesn’t make any sense. I have experienced some pain associated with a LDR that could be described as feeling like “the spark was gone” but it’s just a part of missing the person. I knew I loved this girl and I got over it. I feel like this is the case with her. I feel like she was getting hit with a wave of separation anxiety (she has always been hit a LOT harder than me with the pains of the distance….she’s just a needy person that way). I think this because she was having a great time when she came up just the weekend before she broke it off, she was telling me how she loved me, we were romantic in bed (no sex because of unfortunate timing w/ her period), and because she was so upset to leave and go home. On top of that, she described this feeling as only hitting her once she got home and that it was overwhelming…EXCACTLY the way acute separation anxiety comes on.
What do you all think? For now, I am back in NC. Firstly, for myself and so I can get to a clear state of mind. But also for her. I want to give her time to clear her head. If I’m right, this extra level of separation should cause her to come around or to at least realize that she made a mistake and that she does, in fact, love me.
Qball,
You’re 100% right. I realized yesterday that I wasn’t ready to end NC. I thought I was, but I definitely not. I’m giving myself (and my ex) more time time & space for now.
Okay well I have an update. I just spoke with her on the phone. We’ve been talking via text for about a week but she’s been weird. She would take hours to reply and sometimes she just wouldn’t reply at all. Well today very carefully asked her if there is anything wrong. I wanted to know if she needed more time or what. Apparently she thought that I was trying to guilt her into feeling bad. In my first text asking about what was going on I also told her that even though I still love her (and she knows that I do because the relationship came to a very civil and non-toxic close).
So in the phone call I clarified and said I wasn’t trying to make her feel guilty and I apologize for that. She also said that it wasn’t healthy for me or her for me to be saying that I still loved her. We talked about how things are different and how I’m gonna need to adjust my expectations on talking to her (can’t talk as long, as deep, or as frequent as when we were dating).
She said how bad she felt for having to hurt someone and her decision. But also how she can’t say she sorry for it because she knows of that’s what she needed.
You could tell in my tone of voice that I was upset. I’m sure I sounded like I was on the verge of tears a little bit ( because I was). She also sounded like this at times.
We decided that even though I was trying to talk to her again (after no contact) that I wasn’t ready. She made it clear that she would be there for me when I was ready and that she really wants for us to be in each others lives still.
I’m not really sure what to make of all this. So far she doesn’t seem to be questioning her decision. But I almost know for sure that I can’t send that letter.
So right now I’m trying to just get us back to a point where we’re talking comfortably. Ideally she would begin to start conversations whereas right now it’s me starting the conversations. Keep in mind that we’re only on the fourth or fifth exchange since we began talking again.
I’m hoping to begin bringing up memories from when we dated. Initially I’m going to start bringing up kind of just general memories to sort of get her thinking about oir relationship again and to show that I’m thinking about it. If things go well I’m going to move into bringing up more emotional memories.
Now I’m not going into this hoping to talk her into coming back. That is to say I’m not trying to bring up things from our past and really start talking about a relationship through the texts. I just want to talk with her again and get us comfortable again.
If she doesn’t initiate any talks of getting back together or she seems like she might be considering itl, I’m planning on maybe sending the following letter around Thanksgiving:
Dear ________,
It’s almost Thanksgiving and you can definitely feel it up here in the mountains. It’s averaging about 39 during the day and in the mid-20s at night. I guess I’ve been thinking a lot recently about you and about us. Thanksgiving is a time of appreciation for everything and everyone you have in life. I’d feel like I had forgotten something huge if I didn’t do that for all my loved ones…
Always know that I love you. I can’t even put into words why I do…but I love you. I love you because it would be impossible for me not to love you. Although we remain good friends and talk rather frequently, I feel more separated from you now than ever. I know that this has been hard on you too, but I know it was what you wanted. If nothing else, I hope you know that you’re important to me. I hope you know that I only ever strive to make you happy and to see to it that things are well for you. That is truly what I want more than anything in the world.
After nearly two years of my life with you, I had come to consider you as more than my girlfriend. At some point between our visits to Chick-Fil-A and our sitting on our hidden spot on the beach, you became so much more. I consider you my best friend and my family. So long as I was with you, I was home.
I look back on our time together and I don’t regret a moment. Despite our fights and our doubts, the time I spent with you was the best of my life and I loved every bit of it. We had a very successful relationship, in my opinion, that was a lot stronger and a lot happier than most. We had our rough patches and those certainly affected me. I know they affected you as well. The distance didn’t help either. It’s scary being so far from the one you love. We both loved what we had so much and we were so afraid of losing it that we ignored a lot of the effects of the distance and we put off addressing them.
But after these past few months of thinking and reflecting, I realized something. We had constructed this idea of a picture-perfect fairy tale romance. We were so afraid of tearing down this façade that we failed to address the things that were weighing on our minds. I was wrong to not talk deeper about the issues we were facing. I got worried about pushing you away because I knew we were already feeling apart because of the distance. But this distance and lack of depth on my part only further separated us and I know it hurt you. I’m more sorry for that than you can ever imagine. But I realized that you can’t be afraid when it comes to these things. Love isn’t a happily-ever-after fairy tale. Love is hard and it will test you like no other thing in this world. But that makes it all that much better. It’s like a long book that has countless ups and downs that send your emotions every which way but that you never ever want to end.
There’s only one thing in this world that outweighs all the rest. One thing that will make you throw out everything you thought you knew. Every instinct. Every rational decision. That’s love. Love doesn’t make sense. I realized that no matter what, you have to forget about everything else. You have to forget about logic. You have to forget about fear and doubt. You just have to do everything you can to get to that one special person who is going to make it all worth it. At some point, you just have to take the jump.
I know that there are countless other opportunities in this world to find love and that even if we never ever communicated again, that we would both be okay in the end. I have realized that and I have accepted it. Even so, I still know that I want you. I don’t think I really ever knew what love felt like until that cold December day when I heard you shout “yes” as you skipped out the doors at Bayside to meet up with your friends. You became my inspiration, my light. I never thought that I could feel this way about anyone, but every day you proved me wrong. From the very first day, I knew there was something special about you but I just couldn’t lay my finger on it. Over the next year and a half of falling more in love with you every single day, I would come to discover what makes you so special. You’re my other half, my best friend, the love of my life. You will never know how much I truly love you and how much happiness you bring to my heart. I cannot imagine living my life with anyone else. I love you with all my heart and I always will.You are my soul mate.
Signed,
Quin,
Thanks for responding! Where could i find this book?
I hope I’m doing stuff right haha. We just had a pretty long back and forth today that I just ended first. I’m hoping to move into phone calls later and maybe even FaceTime past that. I think I get how to get back to conversing comfortably, I just don’t know how to actually get her back. Ideally, she would be the one to choose to get back together. Do I just keep presenting myself as a confident, “new” person and hope for the best? Or do I do something to slightly push her in that direction?
Do I just keep this up and eventually go for it and propose trying it again?
I just don’t know what to do now that we’re talking regularly again
Well I’ve texted her every other day or so for about a week now. So far I’m getting positive responses. But the time it take her to reply is odd. Like she usually replies right away and carries the conversation equally with me. But with this she takes a while yo reply or will just stop replying for hours. Not to be rude (at least not intentionally). I know she had midterms so she’s been studying and when I follow up after 4-5 hours of no reply and just say, “Well have a good day/night. :)” she says sorry and that she was studying for a big exam. It’s understandable but her not saying something like “Hey I’ll ttyl. Need to go study.” is odd. It isn’t like her and it sort of makes me like she doesn’t really want to talk to me. And that sounds odd because when she broke it off she was crying because she was so scared that I would hate her for it and that she’d lose her best friend.
Well I texted her the other day with a quick “Hey. I hope you’re doing well.”
She responded positively and in kind and I quickly ended the conversation saying that I had to get to class. I told her I’d text her later to keep that open and (hopefully) leading her to be checking her phone constantly for my next text.
I waited 48 hours and texted her again. This time about a show we used to watch (her favorite show). “Hey ____. I was flipping through Hulu and noticed new episodes of New Girl are up! It made me think of you and I figured you’d want to know. 🙂
She responded positively, “Haha yeah I saw. Thanks for letting me know :). My hopes are to delve progressively deeper with each conversation and to slowly ramp up the length and frequency (as well as response time) of these convos. So I responded that the most recent episode about a character and his wife buying an old house and fixing it up reminded me of those “crazy people on HGTV who would buy fixer-uppers.” She really likes HGTV and we used to watch it together.
That’s where I’m at right now and she hasn’t replied yet. Been about 30 mins (last few responses we each took about 30 mins to get back to the other person. (I did this intentionally)
Update: Just mailed my “end of NC letter.” I figured it’ll get there around Tuesday. But she has a university mailbox in some building she typically doesn’t go to. I believe she makes an effort to go once a week to check her mail. So ideally she’d get it sometime next week. I’m planning on texting her a “Hey _____! How have you been?” text on Friday, keeping in mind to keep things very shallow and to end the convo quickly so as to leave ber wanting more. Then just moving from there slowly ramping up conversation in both length and depth. Eventually, I’ll work to phone calls and facetime/Skype. If things are looking very much in my favor, well I’ll have to see what I need to do. Idk if I should try to meet up with her in person to discuss us getting back together (would require travel) or if we could work it out via facetime/skype
Hey Patricia. She is pretty far inland and probably won’t get much more than some rain and mild winds. I consider texting her to prepare and be safe but opted against it as it wouldn’t do much. She already knows I care about her and am thinking about her. Plus it would break no contact on what is almost the last week now (assuming I do 30 days). I did speak w/ her roommate, who is also my friend, and she said they’re prepared.
